Thursday, November 29, 2007

Last Night's Republican Debate

- First of all, using YouTube to ask questions lends itself to a certain level of silliness. And right off the bat, we got some chutterfuck "cracking us up" with some Mark Russell wanna-be song on guitar. christ. Hard to take the shit seriously after this; why not just show the "Chocolate Rain" video? Too close to the bone for the Red States' fear of Obama winning, a la "Chocolate Reign"? Racist right outta the gate! Here we go!!

- 8:10 Rudy spars with Mitt Romney, saying he'd crack down on illegals. He's insisting that while mayor, NYC was no sanctuary city - in fact, according to Rudy, it was these very thousands of illegals that helped him fight crime by reporting it to the police. He's bragging about this, so...why would he wanna keep them out, then? Doesn't that contradict itself? "Illegals helped me cut crime by 75% in NYC, so you're goddam right I'm gonna keep these mofos out!" Wtf? This would be like me explaining how I was so good at pleasing the ladies and then banning foot-long penises. Camon.

- 8:17 I'm sorry, when did illegal immigration become the only, single solitary thing that’s important on Earth? I guess it lends itself well to the GOP: hating foreigners and "kicking ass!"

- 8:18 Fred Thompson’s head = pale Play-Doh mushed onto the head of a big mouth bass

- 8:19 Ooooh, Fred gets the first zinger of the night on Rudy by implying that Rudy shouldn't judge candidate's hiring choices - Thompson also gets points for not actually saying Kerik's name, kinda like "The Contest" episode of Seinfeld when they didn't actually use the word "masturbation." I can't say if Thompson's the "Master of His Domain", but I think I can speak for us all that he's a fucking jerkoff.

- 8:22 I think Tracedo just set up a life sized cutout of himself and went for a sandwich. I’m not even kidding. I also have no idea if his name is in fact "Tracedo."

- 8:23 Camon, we can't get one riff on illegal immigration by using that dog from Taco Bell? Maybe a clip of an American who's pissed that his job was in fact taken by the Taco Bell chiuhuaha? Do these people have no sense of humor at all?

- 8:24 Now Trancedo is FURIOUS re: illegals taking our jobs. Wont happen on his watch!! You'd hafta peel the American hooker from his cold, dead hands before he sends out for Mexican!!! You know, why wont someone ask him why he's so steamed about Mexicans coming to take our jobs, but doesn't mind farming all our jobs out to China? When was the last time you saw anything that said "Made in USA" that didn't star Ron Jeremy? We cant make toys pumped full of lead here? I'd be upset right now if my fortune cookie hadn't just read "You be nice, Rucky Joe! Lucky Numbers 11 21 28 33 44 58"

- 8:25 It'll cost $800M for a border fence to fight off illegals? Really? Cant we just hire the NBA All-Star team and save about $700M?

- 8:26 Be cool if in a fit of stress Huckabee all of a sudden put those 100 lbs back on in front of everybody, a la The Nutty Professor, wouldn't it? Course, it'd be cool if I could grow titties on my legs and piss beer, but that ain't gonna happen either. Sigh. Life: a fickle mistress.

- 8:28 Huckabee just said that as president he'd propose a Veteran's Bill of Rights. Really? There's not already something of the sort? What's next, McCain proposing a reality show with seven strangers picked to live in a house - work together, and have their lives taped to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real?

- 8:30 Funny hearing Romney addressed as "Mitt." Tuff to take someone called "Mitt" seriously. Kinda one step up from "Cubby", isn't it? Let's face it, the only thing George Bush has going for him is his first name is presidential: George. Of course he had as much to do with that as he did his last name being synonymous with "pussy", so maybe names don't really matter at all. Though at this point I do think that it would behoove John Edwards to not correct people when they think he's the from beyond the grave psychic guy of the same name.

- 8:32 Can we get back to the "Will Rudy Explode Onstage Death Watch '07" please? It's been 8 minutes!!!

- 8:34 Ron Paul just got the biggest applause of the night so far. Maybe there's some hope after all.

- 8:36 McCain follows up with the first laugh of the night: a joke about bears involving DNA testing (criminal or paternity?). Whose idea was this from McCain's campaign - with Huckabee rising in the South and Romney placating the base, can McCain really risk losing the bear vote? Gutsy – let’s see how this plays out.

- 8:37 anytime he talks about anything outside of Transylvania when he was mayor, Rudy looks completely lost. Whoops, did I say Transylvania? Sorry, I meant a box in a crypt in a graveyard in a desolated hill on a mountainside in Transylvania. At night. With a dog howling in the distance. Goot evah-ning!

- 8:40 someone needs to do the fake snoring thing while Fred's talking. My greatest '05 riff, and would make someone a legend! Seriously, if all of a sudden from off-camera you hear another candidate pretend to start snoring he'd get my vote. Period. That moment would outlive anything you'd do as president, believe me.

- 8:41 Huckabee just said the first program he'd get rid of is the IRS. Rudy jumped in with "he's got my vote!!"

- 8:42 I love how these guys desperately want to get rid of government, but if it's gotta be there anyway they wanna be the leader of it. They don't want there to be a circle jerk, but if there is one they'd better be the ones to eat the bread. A curious people, indeed. It’s kinda like trying to get rid of the gays, but then getting yourself caught in a scandal involving male interns or airport bathrooms. But that’s science fiction, obviously.

- 8:42 wow, it took 42 minutes - a new record! – for McCain to tearfully invoke the troops, speaking of eating Thanksgiving Dinner with them as they BEGGED him to allow them to keep fighting the war. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight...and I'm firing off emails to Britney to remind her to put some drawers on. Camon. Lets see how long it is til Rudy checks in with 9/11.

- 8:43 who's the guy on the far right? Ain't said a word yet, leaning on a podium. The maitre d?

- 8:43 I cannot take a question seriously from a guy named "Grover."

- 8:44 Fred Thompson: "I only make pledges to the American people!" of course, wild applause from the audience. What the fuck does that even mean? Is somebody accusing him of whispering pledges to other countries? He's 109 years old and has a hot wife a third his age. Believe me, he's not cheating on anybody.

- 8:46 is Romney even real? Is he George Reeves?

- 8:49 Tancredo's homemade video. No applause. Wow. I haven't seen awkward silence like this since OJ and I did "Run for Your Life" at an open mic last year.

- 8:51 Maitre d guy just said that for Christmas we need to "buy American!" Really? Like what? And it’s my fault my Connie Chung blowup fuck doll is made in Korea? THE HEART KNOWS NO ATLAS, FRIEND!!!

- 8:52 Fred's video, amazingly even worse than Tancredo's. I'd say Thompson is a clueless nutbag, but that's an insult to my nutbag, which also is severely wrinkled and seems to be hanging around for no fucking reason.

- 8:55 i just realized Fred could play Frasier Crane in "Frasier: The Year 2200" with no makeup. Yeesh.


- 9:02 of course the first boos of the night come from the crowd because Rudy doesn’t believe every citizen should be awarded a personal gun arsenal at birth. They just asked everybody how many guns they each have – oh my god, Rudy just answered “Anderson, I have…ONE gun! TWO guns! THREE guns……”

















- 9:03 is Fred Thompson alive? Jesus. A corpse. I’d ask Rudy to get a mirror to check if he’s breathing, but obviously his own kind of the undead don’t carry mirrors.

- 9:05 Finally a question from some black guys. Trancedo is furious they let a question from Obama in. Hmm.

- 9:08 Girl asking question's name is Journey? wtf?

- 9:08 "If abortion is outlawed, what should be the crime?" That’s a stupid “what if,” no? Why not ask “if rainbows are outlawed, what should we do to the leprechauns?”

- 9:10 Fred just declared that "abortion should be our #1 concern right now.” Really? Over war/healthcare/education etc? Interesting.

- 9:11 Right at this minute, Rudy should answer a fake cell call from...THE TERRORISTS!!! OH NO!!! If he pulled that off then he'd get my vote

- 9:13 Oh goody, our first “What Would Jesus Do?” question. Here we go. Ironically, about the death penalty...which, I must say, Jesus would be the only person in the room with first-hand experience, wouldn’t he? “I gotta be honest…it really, REALLY sucked. On the other hand, did I deserve it? I believe you’ve read all the notes on the case, let’s go around the room…”

- 9:16 Good one - dude just asked if they believe every word of the Bible

- 9:17 Rudy: yes but not every part. So...he can pick and choose. I guess he knows which parts God want him to know is true. Yet he didn’t know enough to not marry his own cousin. Interesting.

- 9:18 Mitt: “yes.”

- 9:19 - Huckabee "I don’t fully understand it, and maybe I’m not supposed to, it comes from Gods infinite wisdom" ummmmm...didn’t humans actually write the Bible? According to Huckabee you might as well stare at a piece of wood and try to see it as God’s word since you’re not supposed to understand it anyways. I’m dizzy.

- 9:24 A Muslim from ALABAMA with a question. Too late, troops – THEY’RE ALREADY HERE!!!

- 9:24 Rudy's first 9/11 mention. Good for him; his one hit. He should walk off now; wouldn’t his trying to answer another question be like Modern English not closing with “I Melt with You”?

- 9:27 McCain with the Thanksgiving dinner again. Must’ve been some meal.

- 9:29 how short is McCain? Jesus Christ, were these toy planes he was flying in Vietnam? No wonder they kept him for 7 fucking years, he made ‘em feel like Wilt Chamberlain.

- 9:30 McCain has spent the last 4 minutes outraged at torture and the Dems putting a time limit on Iraq. tryptophan wearing off? cranky!

- 9:33 "Buzz Brockway" You Tubing a question. Who the fuck is naming people these days? Was this motherfucker in Toy Story?

- 9:35 Ron Paul with the best bit if sense all night: “look at how we left Vietnam, and weve done more with them in the last 20 years than we ever did in war.”

- 9:35 ohoh, rational thinking has buzzed McCain back from sleep: "we never lost a battle in Vietnam, we lost because of the American public!!!” Which is greeted with…wild applause...the crowd is...applauding against itself? “BOY, do we fucking suck!!!!” Great. As a country, we’ve officially become Steve Sanders in the episode where he’s supposed to roast Brandon but spends the time announcing what a loser he is and that Brandon shouldn’t hang out with a shithead like himself. Nice.

- 9:42 Four minutes of babbling re: power they’d give their vp. Snooze.

- 9:43 Finally got the maitre d's name: Duncan Hunter. Congratulations; you’re the only dude onstage who’s not a corpse or scary looking and it took you 103 minutes to get a grey-haired gay dude’s attention. You must be AMAAAAAAAAAZING.

- 9:50 A retired gay Brigadier General in the audience is croaking that every day 2 people get discharged from military cause they’re gay. Unfortunate the number is 2 every day, isn’t it? Don’t it make you think they’re getting discharged together? “Alright guys, the helicopter will take you to your gingerbread house with pink icing where you can live out your days together.” Seems like they should make it 3, just for that. Maybe it’s me.

- 9:52 What the fuck are “log cabin Republicans”?

- 9:52 oooooh they’re gay Republicans...wtf, where'd they get "log cabin" from? I don’t picture gay dudes living out in the woods in log cabins roughing it, do you? Naw. Like me I’m sure you picture them having anal sex and then playing with whatever feces comes out….heeeeeeeeey, wait a second!!!!!!!!!

- 9:53 Huckabee says he's against they gays, but would accept their votes. Great. For some reason I equate this with a vegetarian refusing to eat meat, but accepting sex with an animal. Make sense? Maybe not. Getting late, maybe I’m just horny.

- 9:57 tell you what, Hillary must be laughing her ass off with all this free publicity. It’s like Satan flipping through the Bible and scanning for his name. “Thanks, idiots!”

- 9:58 dude just Youtubed the question “why don’t blacks vote Republican?”

- 9:59 Rudy "hey, i had a black friend...(lowering head)...killed on 9/11..."

10:01 Huckabee:"Hey, I wanna be part of a party that touches everyone from top to bottom" … is this appropriate for a Republican to say these days? Hmm.

10:02 I’m missing The Real World!! See ya!!!

6 comments:

Rambler said...

Made in the USA starring Ron Jeramy...fucking brilliant. your skills are being wasted here. Come write my blog at a penny a word!!!

Xmastime said...

not for less than a farthing!!!

godihateyourband said...

epic!

ope said...

grover. kilt me.

Kiko Jones said...

Sir, you are one funny mofo. Like P.J. O'Rourke back in the day. (What? He never was? Oh. Sorry.)
Be sure to thank Ope for spreading the word.

Gina said...

u madman