I live-blogged the girls "American Idol" show last night. All the songs had to be from the 1960s, I go girl by girl.
1. Kristy Lee Cook – 24 years old, Oregon
I see she just sold her favorite horse; now she’s saying if she wins, the first thing she’ll do is buy the horse back. Great negotiating darling. As long as the current owner is one of the 6 people on Earth who don’t watch "American Idol", you won’t get screwed on that deal.
Singing “Rescue Me.” Terrible song choice for her. Again, “gee, this isn't hard enough, let me compete with Aretha!” As dull as the dudes last night. Is the band actually in pajamas?
Oooooh, Mom is hot! Might wanna fuck her instead of the girl. Maybe. Hey, maybe a lil three-way? Me, Mom and the horse? (insert standard well, you know Xmastime loves horse faces riff here.)
Does the crowd HAVE to boo Simon? You start to feel like if Simon, OJ and Ike Turner (alive or dead) were on Love Connection, he’d still get 0% of votes from the audience. Camon. It’s been 7 seasons already, when does he get his “okay, we’ve shit on you long enuff, now we’ll embrace you” moment? If Hitler were still around we’d root for him on “The Surreal Life”, for fuck’s sake.
2) Joanne Borgella – 25, Oregon
A plus-size model. I’ll say. For cars? You know, if you're that big and you tell us you're a model, you don't hafta tell us "plus-size." We have eyes. And believe me, you we can see. We'd look at you and think "plus-size" or "lying."
They just showed the clip of Randy telling her she was going to Hollywood. Randy looks at her and says “Joanne…you’re through.” And she immediately jumps up shouting and celebrating. Now…couldn’t “you’re through” also mean “you’re done, go home”? Wouldn’t you take a second to make sure he meant you’re through to the next level of competition? Would be a super-awkward reality TV moment of all time, no? It’s not quite Puck getting caught spreading peanut butter on his bits and calling Pedro into the room, but still good.
Speaking of “The Real World”, over at Tinsel & Rot they’ve listed The Real World Awards, and one of the categories is “Best Fight.” Steven and Irene’s fight? Not even nominated!! What the fuck? How FURIOUS do you think Steven is right now? “Hey MTV - I SLAPPED a girl!! What the FUCK else do I have to do to get nominated?!?!?!! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!” Nope. shut out. Maybe racism really is still alive and well. Sad.
Singing “I Say a Little Prayer for You.” Great voice, best I’ve heard in 2 days.
Ohoh. Paula’s “rocking out.” Not a good sign. Like getting an endorsement from Dubya these days. Warning.
Hold up. Can you really root for a song that has the words “coffee break” in it? How laid back can a mofo be while writing a song? Christ. How the fuck old IS Jack Johnson?
Hmm. Is Randy grouchy tonite? So far, 2 “so-so”s and zero “Dawgs.” Prolly safe to blame this lunar eclipse.
Who’s in charge of making sure the Coke logos on the cups are always facing the camera? How can I get that job? "Great audition, Xmas...we haven't seen that much cup adjusting since they let Hannah Storm in the locker rooms. Hey hey, we're kidding...we'll keep your cup on file."
Why does Ryan Seacrest have a watch on? What does he care what the fuck time it is; “camon camon, hurry up and sing, Hardees closes in an hour…” Doesn’t he have a million producers in his ear anyways? We get it, you can tell time, congratulations. So does a sundial, and at least it’s straight for fuck’s sake.
Commercial. “See why Billy Joel’s daughter would NEVER go on American Idol!” Hey, no shit. Musical talent isn't the only thing she inherited from daddy. This girl needs some lotto tickets - she's already lost the lottery once, she's due.
3. Alaina Whitaker – 16, Oklahoma
Tomorrow is Alaina’s 17th birthday. Happy Birthday, Alaina! On my 17th birthday I got serenaded in a record store by a black kid in a McDonald’s uniform; hope yours goes a little better. (did him)
Apparently at an audition she said “shoot” and now she just said “all my friends are quoting me now.” Really? That’s yours, “shoot!” is yours now? Okay then, everytime my friends say “hey!” they’re directly quoting me. Or “how could I have seen the Adam’s Apple before this morning, I was fucking wasted last night!! Fuck!!! Get a shovel!”
She’s singing that “I Love You More Today Than Yesterday” song.
Well, I’ll say one thing. For a 16 year old, judging from her handling the mic it looks like she knows what to do with a dick. So there’s prolly not a lot of pressure on her to actually win the whole thing.
Performance was okay. Oooooh, Mom’s hot!
Randy: “know why I’m laughing? Cause this is funny, man.” Really? Thanks Randy.
Today’s SAT Question: “funny is to laughing as Randy is to ________”
b) outer space
d) My head in my hands
2nd shot of Mom. Maybe only kinda hot.
3rd shot of Mom. Shouldn’t have switched to high def. Sorry.
Just noticed I’m missing the fried chicken episode of "Good Eats" for this! If I hadn’t already seen it 17 times I might be miffed. I guess with "Friday Night Lights" maybe getting canceled, and Asians, I have enough to be miffed about these days anyway.
4. Amanda Overmayer – 23, Indiana
In a word: yikes.
Ouch, she said she got hit by a truck while driving to Hollywood. Was this the ugly truck?
Don’t think I wanna see the Mom shot here.
Singing “Baby Please Don’t Go.” It’s okay.
“bee dee bee dee bee dee”??! What the fuck is that?
Oh, Randy just called it “scat.” I thought it was shit too, Dawg.
Randy just called her pants “trousers.” What the fuck? First he’s in Journey, now he’s saying “trousers”? How fucking white IS this guy??????
Why does Simon always claim to never have heard the songs? Does he thinks this makes him look cool, not knowing the very foundation of his profession? Like that call girl who showed up and then told me she had no idea how to fuck or give a blowjob. Fucking hell. After I paid her and she left, I couldn’t stop laughing, “what an idiot! Calls herself a hooker? Hahahaah!!!!”
Why does the toll line area code start with 866? I know they can’t use 800 cause that’s obviously free…but did they have to jump all the way up to 866? From 800 too 866. “What is Vince Vaughn the day after Thanksgiving 2018, Alex?”
5. Amy Davis – 25, Indiana
What’s up with Indiana? 2 of the chick finalists outta 12? Can the John Cougar Mellencamp Singing and Heart Attack Camp really be THAT good? Man. Kudos.
Alright, Amy’s hot!
She’s a trade show model? What the fuck is that?
Boyfriend = gay.
Singing “Where the Boys Are.”
Hold up. Fucking hair on her shoulders? Am I dreaming? I’ve never noticed furry shoulders before, yeesh. Do you wana be nibbling on your girl’s shoulders and get a mouthful of little hairs? No thanks.
Wait a second…has it been that long for me…have women’s genitals mutated to their shoulders now????! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!! Note to self: update porn. Tout suite.
Another “blech” from Randy, but we have our first “keeping it real!” at 8:49pm
Nothing much to say bout her.
Nice titties. Overshadowed by the fact that apparently she’s got Robin William’s upper body. Unfortunate.
6. Brooke White - 24, AZ
Yikes. A warning next time you show her face, please.
Okay, she could actually be a lil hotter with dark hair. She’s got big teeth, so she’s got that going for her. Tho those choppers would make a threesome with her and Kristy’s horse a bit awkward. Jealousy, table for two?
Singing “Happy Together.” Snore.
She is growing on me…I guess she put on some makeup?
Much sexier now. Lesson learned: fellas. Next time you’re about to start bitching and moaning bout your girl taking so long to put on her makeup, remember Brooke White. Girl has gone from a 3 to a 7+ with some Crayolas and spraypaint. “Take your time, baby!” Does she rush you when you’re taking your male enhancement pills? Camon.
Randy: “okay, check it out!” Important speech coming up Randy? Stamp collection?
You know what, I’ve got news for you. Paula might be a man. I’m not even kidding.
Is it a law on the show that Seacrest has to be shorter than all the girls? Is this some sort of fetish thing they’ve got going on? Like jock sniffing, or being in a relationship with a member of te opposite sex wherein you’re committed to companionship and intimacy? What the fuck kinda world has this become? Fucking internet.
Commercial reminds me of when I first started dating my high school girlfriend and she was talking about dude she had previously dated, and she went over to his house to eat and they had fried chicken, which they ate with a knife and fork. Wtf? I remember holding her crying, shaking body and whispering in her ear “don’t worry baby, I’m here, you’re safe now...”
Just saw a commercial for the Angus burger, which I boycotted earlier here. But as I’m running the entire episode through in my head, I do remember being sure to tell the guy “no ketchup.” Which the Angus doesn’t normally come with; apparently this dipshit decided “well, he said no ketchup, so obviously he means no mayo.” Grrrr. The Angus, it turns out, comes with mayo. I woulda been better off just shutting my mouth, like when I told my girlfriend I wanted to introduce sock puppets and racism into our lovemaking. So of course it was dry. The lovemaking too, but that’s another post. Maybe I’ve been too hard on Mickey D’s, maybe I should give them another shot?
SHOULD XMASTIME GIVE THE ANGUS BURGER ANOTHER CHANCE?
b) Was this the gf with titties that looked like two sweatsocks filled with sand?
7. Alexandrea Lushington – 17, GA
Ooooh, her great grandma’s there. Hmm. Black lady who’s 100 year’s old and lives in Georgia - think she might be able to fry some chicken up? Man. Would give up my “Xmastime and Bananarama Share a Prison Cell” diorama for a week to get a taste of that shit. Man.
Seacreast has his hand on Granny’s thigh. Camon. You’re trying too hard, bro. Okay, okay, you “like girls.” Right. Can we move on?
Singing “Spinning Wheel.” Disappointed in her voice. Cause she’s hot.
Can I take a moment to applaud chicks that wear suspenders? And can’t we drop the act already and just call them “Titty Frames”? Mmmmm yes baby, I’m looking! Locked in!
I guess everyone else liked it, all the guys are standing up to applaud. Oooh, except for the dude I referred to as Kermit yesterday. Can we assume this is because he hates black people? This might get interesting.
Wow. Paula: “and you’re wearing a dope outfit, which represents who you are”
Alexandrea: “Thanks!!” umm…didn’t Paula just call you a dope? Shouldn’t you be a lil pissed? Or does Paula get a pass here because “oh, that’s just the shoe polish and lighter fluid talking!”? Interesting politics on this show.
Ooooh, Mom’s hot! Teef comin outta the screen! Come nibble on my neck for a bit, then we’ll pop over to Grandma’s for lunch, baby.
Denny’s commercial. Hmm. I’m glad Paulie Walnuts isn’t letting himself be typecast. Cough.
8. Kady Malloy – missed her age/hometown
Kady, pronounced “Katie and yes, I’m rich so I can spell my name weird, thanks, please step back three steps.”
Godam! Hot! My #1 right now. Damn. Lookin forward to the Mom shot.
Does a snarky imitation of Britney. Strike 1.
But man, hot. I hope she’s over 13, cause I really wanna get up in there. Man.
It just occurred to me that the opposite of “Mom shot” would be “Pop shot.” Hmm.
No Mom shot. Crap. “Friends.”
She’s 18! Ooooooh yeah (going to the bathroom…and I’m on Atkin’s, so you know what I WONT be doing in there…)
Simon: “You’ve gone down each performance.” My dick just gulped.
Simon: “you started out great, but have gotten worse every performance.”
Seacrest: “she’s doing a 180”
A very concerned Randy: “I’d say it’s more like a 360, guys.” Fucking hell, WHEN WILL THE WRITERS COME BACK TO WORK??!?!?!?!?
9. Asia’h Epperson – 19, Missouri
What’s the ‘h for? Asia of Epperson? I pray that one day we can truly say the days of slavery are really over. Well. My kids, maybe. What’s the rush?
Her dad died 2 days before her audition? Jeez.
“He would want me to push on.” Really? I dunno. “What’s that, you have a chance to be one of about 70,000 people who have 20 seconds to impress 3 people? I like those odds, OF COURSE you should skip my funeral, I insist!! Chances like that only come around once every 6 months baby, get outta here already!!!”
Oooh, that means Mom is single! Let’s have a look!
Doing “Piece of My Heart.” Lively. Maybe best so far.
Randy’s impressed with her singing. I’m impressed he has the guts to wear that sweater. Cap doffed. That thing wouldn’t make Cosby’s junior varsity.
Best of the night so far. Simon agrees! Though mind you, he is working on a contact drunk.
Still no Mom shot. Camon!!!!
Seacrest: “even with your dad dying, you always look like you’re having so much fun; where does that come from?”
Asia’h: “Cause I hated that drunk broke-dick motherfucker’s guts and piss on his grave, Ryan”
Well. Woulda been a great answer, no? Camon.
Commercial. Oh oh – a presidential candidate is being outted for having an affair! Please be Hilary!!!!
10. Ramiele Malubay – 20, FL
Kinda hot. Getting my yellow(ish) fever cranked up.
Have no idea what fucking song she’s singing.
Oh, it’s “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me.” Hmm. If you’re almost done with that song and I’m just now recognizing it, you might be a redneck. I mean suck.
Are those…sweatpants? Sweatpants???!! If you’re not even gonna try, baby…
Ohoh. Mom not hot. This isn’t going well at all. I coulda been on a piss break during this. Fuck.
Is Paula the lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls? Yeesh.
Ohoh, Seacrest’s “shorter than the contestant” streak is over. Somebody’s about to get fired. Too real, Dawg!
Seacrest’s obsessed with her shoes, goddammit Ryan! You just undid all the great work you had gotten in with Grandma earlier! Ah well. Back to the drawing board I guess. Maybe you can feel up Martha Raye, get back on track big fella.
11. Syesha Mercado – 20, FL
Hair’s a bit much, but a great rack.
Singing “Tobacco Road.” Great, Joe Camel’s long, filthy reach has gotten to "AI." It’s official: nothing’s sacred. And housecats don't like lasagna, or Mondays.
Anything sexier than long, leather boots? Have I already used “jock sniffing” in this post?
End of her song was the best of the night, the 40 seconds leading up to it was kinda lousy. Like sex, for instance.
Why do they cut to the parents just as they’re done and everyone’s clapping? Are we supposed to be pleasantly surprised the parents are clapping? “Oh, how nice.” Just once I’d like to see them cut to the parents and the dad is snorting nacho cheese while the mother finishes a Sudoko. Or making out like crazed teenagers after a 4-pack of wine coolers they snuck in the theater. Camon.
12. Carly Smithson – 24, CA
Not hot. But Irish. So she gets the Shane MacGowan Award today.
Makes up for not being hot by being a scary tattoo artist. Oh, great.
I have no idea what the fuck this song is.
I do like her two front buck teeth, put those two chompers on my girl Kady you will definitely be seeing me in the news in a few days. “Hot white girl has disappeared, have you seen any of these dioramas Xmastime claims to have? Do you think he's lying?”
Randy says she’s the best of the last 2 days. Hmm.
Maybe Paula can shave those fucking eyebrows and use that to cover up that mole on her face? Just a thought.
What the…strange noises coming from Mason, the cat here that’s about 900 years old. Strange, coughing/bleating thing. Oh god, please don’t die on my watch…I can’t spend the last 2 days of my vacation burying your ass, please hang in there til your owners get back. Please.
Course, if he died right now I’d just pretend it happened a minute before they walked through the door. “Oh shit, Mason just died in the freezer, I'm so sorry for your loss. Gotta run.”
Now they’re doing the quick recap of each contestant, singer by singer. Be funny if all of a sudden they slip Aretha in there, no? Or Al Roker. Oh wait, I know someone who’s looking for work.
Or even better, all of a sudden a 9/11 “Never forget” shot! Awesome. Too real, Dawg!
They’re talking about all the pressure these singers are going through, and Seacrest just said “Paula, you’ve sung in front of thousands of people at a time, how’d you handle the nerves?” and I said the fastest prayer in the history of prayers that she’d answer without blinking an eye “8 ludes a bucket of vodka and 8 ludes.” Man.
So that's the ladies. Better than the dudes the night before, but still not great. Hopefully tonight will have some fireworks!!