(Originally posted 11/6/09)
You people might remember a few weeks ago when I wrote my thoughts on the many different style of burgers HERE.
Now some guy has decided to give us his "16 Pearls of Cheeseburger Wisdom,"
the first pearl of course being a nice little vignette about wanting to
puke in a bucket. How sexy. So of course I thought I might see how much
I agree or disagree with dude.
1) Ketchup and mustard are overrated as condiments. Agreed. You guys know how I feel about ketchup,
and mustard just doesn't belong on a burger. I like the unique, creamy
taste of mayo, and just as with my lovemaking if I can't have it I
prefer to go dry.
2) Tallgrass beef, for the most part, lacks the unctuousness, moisture content and brawny flavor I seek.
I have no idea what this means, although I do know "unctuousness" means
"addicted to mouse ass." I don't know what that has to do with
cheeseburgers, but if you're having sex with mice maybe you have bigger
problems than some dude doesn't like the taste of your "tallgrass beef."
Not sexy, brah.
3) Texture and mouth feel are important considerations. In a step-daughter, yes. Cheeseburger? Yes also. I'm more of a texture guy than flavor guy with a lot of foods anyway.
4) Favorite casual sit-down chain restaurant burger? He says Red
Robin's A.1. peppercorn burger. I'd say Wendy's, which is unfortunate
since if I could've truthfully said Dairy Queen it would give me a
chance to remind you guys for the 18000th time I fucked a girl in the DQ
shitter once. But alas. Maybe just to spice things up a bit, next time
I'll switch the words around and say "I fucked a girl in the shitter at
the DQ once." That help move things along, make it a lil more exciting?
Yes? No? How bout if I throw in a midget and his wheelchair-bound Indian
5) Favorite turkey burger? N/A. Almost disqualifying, matter of
fact. Fireworks on the 4th of July, she wears matching bra and underwear
on your birthday, and you eat goddam turkety on Thanksgiving, not in a
fucking burger. Yes, this is why they hate us. Grrr.
6) A burger labeled "kobe" is misleading. I believe you guys already know my "Will Not Eat Burgers Named after Rapists" policy.
Again, does this make me a hero? Probably. I also can turn into a
werewolf while playing basketball, but you people can't be bothered to
hear about that because whenever I try to tell the story I start moving
and shaking like a maniac, so fuck yall.
7) The best patties I've had are cooked on a griddle top. I can agree with that. "Something about stewing in their own fat." I'm down with that too.
8) Fries? Glad you asked. "Although french fries fried in duck fat
are in vogue, serious gourmands know potatoes fried in beef tallow are
far superior." Remember when all the vegetarians were upset cause
they hadn't realized they were sucking down beef tallow every time they
went to McDonalds? Just like when Costanza slipped some shellfish into
that bitch Jew woman's eggs, or whenever I punch holes in the condom
with a pin before fucking a prostitute, right? HAHAHA!! Anyone else laff
their heads off at this? Fuck you, assholes!!!! If you're a
vegetarian, stay the fuck outta McDonald's! I don't walk into your
barn-raisings, and you stay outta my McDonalds. This reminds me of
"Something about stewing in their own fat" from #7, since the girl who
gave me the best blow job I've ever gotten happens to be a vegetarian
who mysteriously weighed about 900lbs, and the morning after she gave me
mouthal relations I woke up to find her stewing in my drunk-piss. Man. I
wonder what happened to her. Drafted by the Rams?
9) Consider balance. Don't just pile your favorite ingredients and accouterments between two buns.
I rarely put anything other than cheese/lettuce/mayo on my burgers, so
this doesn't really affect me. SOMEtimes some onion, but rarely. I also
once hit a dog and kept on driving, so.
10) Steer clear of feta, bleu and brie as cheese options. I
didn't know these were fancy-schmancy cheeses were options for burgers.
Where's this guy eat, The White House? I was gonna throw in a "of course
not, they have fried chicken at the White House now" joke, but I had
already hit "PUBLISH POST," so it was too late.
11) Lettuce and tomatoes end up getting in the way. YES!! TOTALLY
AGREE!!. Especially tomato, one big honking slice of tomato, and that's
all you can fucking taste or feel. Never understood why this was a
default condiment. But then I'm on the verge of almost thinking about
getting my own checking account, so I've had bigger things to be
12) There is no greater flavor combination than bacon plus cheese plus caramelized onions. Maybe,
but not on burger. Number one, I don't like onions cooked. But I also
don't like bacon on my burger; unless it's on a pizza, I have a
one-meat-per-bite rule. There's something oddly incestuously
cannibalistic about mixing meats like this. Hell, you'd think me of all
people would appreciate it more considering the number of times I've
been banging out some broad from behind and looked down to see another
chick has slid under us and it tonguing my dick and the other chick's
pussy. And yet I still seem unmoved about the whole bacon on a burger
thing. I am an enigmatic cat.
13) Look out, bacon. Egg with runny yolk is the new sexy topping. Eeeeeeeeeeeewww. The only eggs I wanna see running are in the toilet bowl after a "scare."
14) Best bang for your buck. Schoop's (19 locations, mostly in
northwest Indiana and Calumet region of Illinois), and Illinois Bar and
Grill. Wow, this is really handy information to have if I ever find
myself in northwest Indiana or the Calumet region of Illinois. Which
means he might as well have said "300 years into the future," cause I
ain't going there either.
15) Favorite fast-food burger? A tie between Steak 'n Shake, above, and Schoop's.
I don't know Schoop's but I have never had a better burger than the
Shake Shack. Although like calling my ex-girlfriend a "human being that
showcases the thoughts and emotions of someone who is aware of other
people's feelings and is somewhat wary to hurt them by turning into a
complete cum-guzzling, cock-craving whore," I'd say that calling the
Shake Shack "fast" food is a bit of a misnomer. But it is an amazing
16) The biggest rule of all: There is no rule. If it tastes good to you, it tastes good. Well. That sounded gay.