XMASTIME

Must Say

2012-02-02T16:48:00.000-05:00

A week later, We Take Care of Our Own is an even better song than I originally thought. Also, it will surely be the most misunderstood son since Born in the USA, so there's that.

Today being the 6th Anniversary of the Iraq War along with my post below about Born in the USA made me think of when Dave took me & Op to meet Bruce - Dave bopping in the room and easily settling onto the arm of a couch and me & Op standing, looking petrified like we knew we were about to be forced with a gun to kiss each other. Anyway, that show was on March 7, 2003, so 12 days before the official kick-off to the war.

Now, for a few years up to this point Bruce has been playing Born in the USA in what some consider it's original form, the solo 12-string slide guitar version that was meant for Nebraska. So when between songs Bruce started talking about the war and I picked up that he was gonna play the song, I kinda thought "piss break." But he was talking about the mistake we were making, and then a fucking vein almost popped out of his forehead and he said "This is a song called Born in the USA" and Max' snare snapped and what followed was one of the angriest 5-6 minutes I've ever seen in a show before or since. Full-on band. Dude spit every word. And it wasn't cute, and nobody sang along, and it wasn't "anthemic." It's the song I most remember from that show, and it was bone-shattering. Like it was meant to be. Like it always was. - XMASTIME

Questions. I Have Them.

2012-02-02T16:15:00.000-05:00

Why is it called a "sportcoat"? The last thing I think of when I put one on is "gee, I should play some sports!" The main objective while wearing one seems to be to not get it dirty, which hardly seems the equal of fun or athletic activity to me, therein belieing it's very name. Hmm.

To Meat or Not to Meat, That is the Question

2012-02-02T15:37:00.002-05:00

Earlier today I was surprised to see that vegetarianism has gone out of style:

People look at me with a mix of pity and confusion, like I’m some holdover from the ’90s wearing a baby-doll dress with chunky shoes and babbling on about No Doubt. I can see what they’re thinking: "You’re still a vegetarian?" At some point over the past few years, vegetarianism went wholly out of style. Now sustainable meat is all the rage.

Now, it turns out that being a vegetarian means you're probably a fucking asshole:

Replacing red meat with grain products leads to many more sentient animal deaths, far greater animal suffering and significantly more environmental degradation. Protein obtained from grazing livestock costs far fewer lives per kilogram: it is a more humane, ethical and environmentally-friendly dietary option.

I can honestly say that when it comes to this subject, I will sleep peacefully tonight.

Franzen Bullshit

2012-02-02T15:09:00.000-05:00

People seem to be bent out of shape at Jonathan Franzen turning his nose up at e-books.

I really don't see what the fuss is about. Look, Franzen is 52 years old - in other words, he's about as close to retirement age as he is to 40. Of COURSE he's threatened by/doesn't "get" the latest technology. Yeah, some old guy doesn't like the idea that the very machine which has lined his pockets for a decade is changing; why is this even remotely a surprise/story? I'm sure a year from now he'll be even more cranky about some new device by which people will read his books, "stealing his soul!" Do you think 52 year-old newspaper reporters were lining up to buy televisions back in the day?

PLUMP

2012-02-02T14:53:00.001-05:00

As much as I'd jump in front of a bus for Hoosiers, and you know this, the liberties taken when in fact the true story was even better in the first place drives me bananas. There is no better 4 minutes and 13 seconds in sports history. Period. - XMASTIME

You people know I love me some real-life Hoosiers Milan High; the Super Bowl being in Indianapolis of course means they gotta dig up some shit to write about so they're traveling to Milan, where some old lady reiterates what I've always said: Milan was a great fucking team:

“We weren’t as much underdogs in our mind as they made us seem in the movies,” says Plump, sitting in his son’s Indianapolis tavern, Plump’s Last Shot. “We were in the state semifinals the year before. We had the experience. That’s why you can’t say the Giants are underdogs. Depends who you talk to. They have the experience. They understand what it takes.”

Of course, maybe a more interesting story might be to celebrate the first black team to win the state title, Oscar Robertson's Crisps Attucks team, who weren't allowed to celebrate in Indianapolis since, of course, niggers are just gonna fuck a lot of shit up if let off the leash:

Years before Hoosiers, I knew about the 1954 Milan team: I knew who Bobby Plump was, I knew about the 4:20 stall. And I knew that they had beaten Crispus Attucks, which of course featured a sophomore named Oscar Robertson. Attucks would go on to win the next two state championships, in 1955 becoming the first black team to win the title in Indiana.

The team went 62-1 over two years and won two state championships. According to Indiana tradition, the state champion was given a fire truck parade through the street of Indiannapolis, feted as heroes. Any young man's dream, for sure. Of course when Attucks won, the powers that be decided you know what, they should have the parade "in your own community." No fire trucks, no Indiannapolis. The players were driven outside of town to hold their party because, and I quote, "They said the blacks are gonna tear up downtown."

White People. They're Boring.

2012-02-02T14:24:00.000-05:00

Bod for God

2012-02-02T14:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday on The View I heard about this (no, I don't have a penis, why do you ask?):

The media labeled Steve Reynolds “The Anti-Fat Pastor” after he lost more than 100 pounds and launched a stunningly successful weight-loss program in his church and community. In Bod 4 God, Pastor Steve reveals the four keys that have unlocked the door to health and fitness for him and for countless others who have dedicated their bodies to God! Steve had been overweight all of his life—he weighed over 100 pounds in the first grade! After playing football during high school and college, he vowed never to exercise or run laps again. That was one promise he kept, ballooning to 340 pounds and staying there for years. Now, in Bod 4 God, he shares the simple lifestyle changes—both inside and out—that led to his incredible weight loss, and he invites readers to change their lives forever by committing their bodies to God’s glory! In addition, Steve shows local churches how to impact the health of their entire community, by hosting “Losing to Live” events, such as weight-loss competitions and team-driven fitness campaigns.

Keep it up and you can be ripped like Jesus Christ* himself!!

*What Would Jesus Do If He Was The Complete Opposite of Jesus and In Fact a Big Fucking Asshole?

Ode to The Gnat

2012-02-02T13:07:00.000-05:00

Left in the Dark is probably the greatest, most influential song of its generation, although AS I WROTE HERE I wonder if Diamonds in th Rough is actually a better song. Meanwhile, Rrthur (YES, ladies, THAT Rrthur!) passes along this link:

Then, in the summer of 1980, they went to Faithful Studios in Urbana to record more songs. Faithful was an old house near a railroad track where a huge soundboard was shoved in to what used to be the pantry. Recording had to be stopped any time a train came by as it would rattle the house. Mark Rubel engineered the session which resulted in "Left In The Dark," "Teen Seen," and "Robbery." Their new friend, WPGU jockey Jon Ginoli, played the songs on his radio show a few days later, even though they never officially released the songs. Jon would later send the recording of "Left In The Dark" to Greg Shaw at Bomp, who included the song on the first Battle Of The Garages compilation LP that was released on Bomp's sister company, Voxx, in 1981.

Goddam, I still love that Battle of the Garages record, which I've had for over 20 years now. Long live The Vertebrats.

The Problem with Living in New York City Is...

2012-02-02T12:44:00.000-05:00

...the only stars you ever see are on the ground.

In America.

2012-02-02T12:32:00.000-05:00

Sully on the hypocrisy of Washington and marijuana:

The cowardice comes from not wanting to disturb the sacred status of American hypocrisy. The truth is: most Americans have no real problem with pot-smoking; they just don't want public approval of it. The way to achieve this, of course, is to legalize it and try to stigmatize it. But that wouldn't be hypocritical enough. To get to true American levels of hypocrisy - you know: how Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich are fighters for family values, but Barack Obama isn't - you have to keep it illegal, and use the laws to arrest, harrass and penalize black and brown youngsters - while mainly allowing the American middle and upper classes to cannabinate in peace.

The upshot: if you're white and have some money, you're free to smoke as much pot as you want; if you're not white, we will expend whatever resources and costs it takes to put you in jail.

After all, it's not my fault you weren't smart enough to be born white.

Happy Groundhog Day!

2012-02-02T12:02:00.000-05:00

Every Groundhog Day I'm reminded of my grandfather, as this was his birthday. I have no idea what year he was born, but my grandma was born in 1902 (or, as my father would say, "The year after Queen Victoria died"...the words would barely be out of his mouth before Brothatime!! would blurt out "She was born in 1902? Wow!" And those words were barely out of HIS mouth before I'd say "We have a queen??!?!!!"), so I would guess around then. He owned a hardware store up in Lowell Massachusetts, which was cool cause every coupla years we'd go up to visit and he'd give us hockey sticks from his store. Which were great...until we'd get back to VA, where it would be 100 degrees and we'd be reminded that we have no idea what the fuck hockey was.

My favorite memory with him is one time when I was in 3rd grade, he was down visiting, and he drove me into town. We ended up at Peoples, I don't know what he was buying, but we were standing in line and my young buck eyes landed on...PLAYBOY!!!!! Instinctively, my little horny mitts grabbed it and started peeping into it, lost in my own world. After what seemed like an hour but what I'm sure was actually 12 seconds I realized what I was doing, looked up and...Grandpa was staring at me. Oh shit, I thought. He's gonna take me into the parking lot and bury me under the asphalt. I slipped the mag back and awaited for the end of my all-too-brief life when I looked up at him and...he winked, laughed and said "dont worry, I wont tell your father." YES!!!

But the day got even better, when in a spur-of-the-moment let's bond together moment he reached out and grabbed a radio and bought it for me. Awesome. I loved that radio, even christianing it with a GI Joe sticker on top. I made it through a few years of the stupid Q94 morning zoo and all those early 80's hits, holding up my tape recorder to the speaker and patiently waiting for one of my new cuts to come on so I could record it, along with mornings tuned into WRAR and either answering the morning quiz and calling in, or breathlessly praying that school was canceled for the day thanks to snow (3 flakes would paralyze our county.) But the real prize came when I found Extra 104 up in DC, and the world of 50/60s music was opened to me in one fell swoop. I was astounded as right there on one station came Wipeout! and Stand by Me and Have I The Right?, one after another. I bonded with friends over our love of "real" rock and roll, and stayed up as late as possible soaking it in. All that stuff sounded better when it was dark anyways. I'm not saying I woulda never found this music had my Grandpa not bought me that radio in my Playboy haze, but I'll always feel that connection with him every time it's late at night and Telstar comes on.

Questions. I Have Them.

2012-02-02T11:44:00.000-05:00

THIS is truly one of the creepier things I've run into in a long time (and this is from a guy who has spent the last 18 hours contemplating "why is there no lingerie for pets?") Gabe Kaplan pitching lifestyle while stoned? For a real corporation? Wtf? - XMASTIME

Surely I can't be the only person wondering why we can't combine the Lingerie Bowl and the Puppy Bowl into maybe the Single Greatest American Hour ever?

Thoughts, Barely, By Xmastime

2012-02-02T10:54:00.001-05:00

One thing I never got about The Sopranos is how Tony would walk down to the end of the driveway every day to get his newspaper. I mean, we're supposed to believe that at any given moment someone wants to knock him off, right? And how long would it take someone with a brain to see that every morning, at such and such time he comes waddling down to the end of his own driveway, gets the newspaper, STANDS THERE FOR A FEW MINUTES LOOKING AT IT, all while in his dopey bathrobe? And yet nothing ever happens. I guess it never occurred to any of these geniuses. Wtf?

On Writing.

2012-02-02T10:51:00.001-05:00

Some of you may know that I am finishing up my first book, a romance novel set in present-day Brooklyn. Thought I'd focus-group an excerpt with you guys:

Their lips slowly pulled apart as they regained their breath, her eyes finally opening as she came to.
"I...I've never felt like this before - I want to love you forever," she said.
He slowly nodded, looking into her eyes and slowly moving a hand through her long hair before finally answering.
"I can't wait to hit it, I bet your snapper is tight as fucking shit."

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Holidaze

2012-02-02T10:35:00.000-05:00

Three of my favorite holidays now are totally new, made-up ones. There's the annual horse races in Leesburg, featuring horse races, Paddy Mac, and piles of Popeyes chicken. Then there's the Super Bowl at Watty's, which also features piles of Popeye's chicken. Finally there's Rrthur's (YES, ladies, THAT Rrthur) birthday - not only the best food of the year, but the first truly crisp/cool day of Autumn, which lets me show off how much I fucking rock in a sport coat.

And, of course, nothing stands above Grizza Day!

Here's Super Bowl XLV MVP Kdawggy trying to get me shitfaced so that she can take advantage of me. That made me sad :(

Xmastime Trivia

2012-02-02T09:52:00.000-05:00

At a single Bruce Springsteen show in 2003 I ate 8 hot dogs. Op & Lisk will confirm. Granted, it's less impressive since as usual the show was over three hours, so. I blame it on Bruce for opening with Downbound Train. I mean, camon already.

You're Goddam Right

2012-02-01T22:18:00.001-05:00

I looked :)

One Time

2012-02-01T21:03:00.002-05:00

My mother asked my dad what "c'est la vie" meant, and he said "it means, that's life, like...you know, so what, so what, that's just how it goes."

Incredible du Jour

2012-02-01T19:07:00.000-05:00

This year marks the 50th year since Marilyn Monroe has been dead...

Pain

2012-02-01T18:28:00.001-05:00

There is a madness to the idea that preventing people from becoming addicts is somehow more important than relieving people of obscene pain. For one, we're only alive for a very short time, so I really don't see why pretending to be martyrs because we're as miserable as possible, and feeling that anyone will give a shit about our martyrdom in an afterlife, is somehow preferable to living a normal life that is somewhat pain-free. For another, I don't think people understand that there is a threshold of pain that becomes all-consuming; ie you're not just dealing with "oh, my knee hurts," you're also dealing with not being able to sleep, not being able to think about anything else, and not being able to live a normal life. Such pain is overwhelming, and swallows a fucking life. - XMASTIME

There STILL seems to be a debate that keeping patients from become addicted to drugs takes precedence over their being able to live through their massive pain. This is absurd to me. As you know, I've dealt with pain so excruciating it's led to thoughts of suicide; meanwhile, I'm fairly sure there's plenty of people out there who would laugh at the pain I've suffered through.

Yes, maybe someone will get addicted to the medicine. But is this any worse than anyone being made to live a life of absolute misery, wherein one can no longer be productive at all? Why is the stigma of "addict" more demonizing than "suicidal and unproductive"?

Again, we're not talking about pain that is annoying; we're talking about pain that is all-consuming and incapacitating. I've dealt with pain that took up my mind 24/7 and precluded me from being able to sit on a toilet - we're talking about people relieved to be able to function, not people laughing at you as they go to Disneyland every week. For fuck's sake. Life is short.

EMERGENCY XMASTIME TV ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2012-02-01T17:49:00.000-05:00

SOME LIKE IT HOT on TCM right now!

Thoughts, Barely, By Xmastime

2012-02-01T17:30:00.000-05:00

Sometime I wonder if there's some connection between the last 30 years' trickle-down economics, which has proven time and time again to be a complete failure, and the 26-year drug war (begun the day Len Bias died.) Both have served to cripple the country in general, yet spiral the wealthy into the uber-wealthy (with the added bonus of locking up as many black men as humanly possible) since of course private prisons pay. I'm not smart enough to do it myself, but I feel like there are some dots to be connected there. I feel like these will be a stretch in history worth studying a few years from now.

RIP DC

2012-02-01T16:52:00.001-05:00

I'm not gonna sit here and pretend I studied it every week, but growing up when I did meant Soul Train was on ABC every Saturday morning, so I'm sad to find out Don Cornelius killed himself earlier today.

That sucks. Also, HERE'S my favorite Soul Train moment.

Here he is with MLK.

FINALLY - A Reason We Invaded Iraq?

2012-02-01T16:01:00.000-05:00

Ancient tablet might contain the world's oldest yo' mama joke:

OK, they aren't exactly knee-slappers, but 3,500 years ago, the six riddles found on an ancient tablet in Iraq could well have been quite the howlers — and may even contain the oldest "Yo Mama" joke known to man.

The cuneiform chucklers, believed to be written by a Babylonian student circa 1,500 B.C., were carved on a damaged tablet, discovered in 1976 by an archaeologist, J.J. van Dijk. The tablet has since vanished, but van Dijk preserved what was written on it.

The riddle that has most captured the imagination is cryptic, but unquestionably involves something sassy being said about somebody's mother:

“...of your mother is by the one who has intercourse with her. What/who is it? [No answer]”

It ain't "yo' mama's so fat when she broke her arm gravy poured out," (or "the radio skipped") but hey.

The Daily News Knows What Real, Important News Is:Tom Brady Is a Faggot

2012-02-01T15:54:00.000-05:00

I Wish I Was Gay

2012-02-01T15:03:00.000-05:00

Just so I could answer this queston going around Facebook with Jaws.

Sigh. me - I'm really happening, aren't I?

American Governance

2012-02-01T14:53:00.002-05:00

Via Yglesias HERE we see a quote from some guy whose name loosely looks like "fuck yo' mama":

Conversely, I would argue that the quality of governance in the U.S. tends to be low precisely because of a continuing tradition of Jacksonian populism. Americans with their democratic roots generally do not trust elite bureaucrats to the extent that the French, Germans, British, or Japanese have in years past. This distrust leads to micromanagement by Congress through proliferating rules and complex, self-contradictory legislative mandates which make poor quality governance a self-fulfilling prophecy. The U.S. is thus caught in a low-level equilibrium trap, in which a hobbled bureaucracy validates everyone’s view that the government can’t do anything competently.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “You've been saying that for YEARS, including here:"

One of the more popular memes I've repeated ad nauseum on this bloggity-blog is the GOP's insistence on the idea that government is by nature doomed to fail and then insisting on sending people that are fucking stupid to Washington to complete the self-fulfilling prophecy...If you set something up to fail, it will fail. It's not complicated. If while bringing a hot young minx home from the bar tonight I have a gallon of warm milk and look at Playgirl, I'm probably not gonna get my dick hard when it's game time. So.

The playbook HERE. Belichick is gonna send Tom Brady onto the field this Sunday because he wants to win the game; if he wants to prove that the quarterback position is one of incompetence and can have no hand in winning the game, he'll put anyone else in. Probably Mickey Mouse!

Self-Awareness

2012-02-01T13:57:00.002-05:00

I'm very aware that at some point in this lifetime my entire political, philosophical or religious stances may change as much as 180 degrees. But I'm 100% certain that at no point between this moment and when they take me to the boneyard will I decide to get a nipple ring.

No Brady Bunch House?

2012-02-01T13:47:00.000-05:00

Dramatic prints of famous tv locations.

"More than rich, more than famous, more than happy – I wanted to be great."

2012-02-01T13:31:00.000-05:00

This past weekend my sister-in-law claimed that The Promised Land was a better and more exciting song than Born to Run. OBviously this means she's she's insane and doesn't know what she's talking about, but it reminded me of this clip of a spray-tanned Bruce at the World Premier screening of The Promise: The Darkness on the Edge of Town Story at the Toronto International Film Festival, interviewed by Ed Norton.

2112

2012-02-01T12:48:00.002-05:00

Today's date is a palindrome. Mind blown, Unfaithful Reader?

BOOM!

Ground Chuck

2012-02-01T12:44:00.000-05:00

NJ governor Rex Ryan has apologized for whatever stupid shit he said about the Civil Rights Movement. In his defense, I must say I like his defending the use of the word "numbnuts":

He did, however, defend calling those who compared him to segregationists as “numbnuts,” explaining that his mother used to use the term for him. “Maybe I should have said ‘stupid, out-of-line,’” he suggested, after asking, “What’s wrong with “numbnuts’?

I'm sorry, there's just something funny about saying "what's wrong with numbnuts?"

"Insert pie here."

Ub Iwerks

2012-02-01T12:21:00.001-05:00

When I was a kid I loved the daily comic strips and my one big dream was draw my own comic strip, a dream quickly abandoned once I realized I could draw about as well as a squirrel with no hands. Luckily, I can still thrill at watching the documentary The Hand Behind the Mouse: The Ub Iwerks Story, which is showing on Ovation this afternoon. Super slice! :)

He was responsible for the distinctive style of the earliest Disney animated cartoons, and was also responsible for creating Mickey Mouse. In 1922, when Walt began his Laugh-O-Gram cartoon series, Iwerks joined him as chief animator. The studio went bankrupt, however, and in 1923 Iwerks followed Disney's move to Los Angeles to work on a new series of cartoons known as “the Alice Comedies” which had live action mixed with animation. After the end of this series, Disney asked Iwerks to come up with a new character. The first Oswald the Lucky Rabbit was animated entirely by Ub Iwerks. Following the first cartoon, Oswald was redesigned on the insistence of Universal, who agreed to distribute the new series of cartoons in 1927.

Mittens Sanders

2012-02-01T12:10:00.000-05:00

Mitt Romney saying he's not too worried about the very poor because there is a safety net in place for them would be easier to accept if he wasn't a major figure of the party which is rather actively trying to get rid of that very safety net. A bit like The Colonel saying he's not worried about the chickens, I suppose.

Dying.

2012-02-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

A Fish Called Wanda is an Xmastime superslice (partly because it features Jamie Lee Xmastime at absolute high tide) and I've seen it a million times, but it's only just now that I caught this great line:

"Are you really Italian?"
"Absolutamente. Sì. My name is Otto. It means eight."

Ha!

Debate Nonsense

2012-02-01T11:52:00.000-05:00

Jonathan Chait pooh-poohs the mysterious right-wing meme that both Romney and Gingrich would somehow wipe the floor with Obama in a debate:

The attire may be dull but the underlying sentiments expressed here are white-hot. The idea that Romney can “think on his feet,” and that Obama is all “flash,” expresses a common right-wing trope that Obama is actually an idiot: a charismatic speaker but helpless when not reading from prepared text. That is the basis for the GOP’s otherwise inscrutable obsession with TelePrompTer jokes – the TelePrompTer is an extremely common political tool, but many conservatives have come to believe that Obama would be helpless without it. That belief accounts for a major portion of Gingrich’s appeal — he has painted an appealing picture of himself exposing the stammering dope in a lengthy series of debates. Among other problems, this fantasy ignores the actual history of Obama’s debate performances.

While I won't even bother to address the whole "Obama can't speak without a teleprompter and can only hope to hypnotize us with his African voodoo cock" tired nonsense or bother entertaining the real point might be how furious some Republicans would be to see one of their own look foolish at the hands of someone who's not ~~white~~ a real American, I believe FINALLY during the last debate Romney exposed Gingrich for what he is: a blustery, loud-mouthed bully who when stood up to quickly crumbles like a cheap accordion. Newt is not some genius "debater", he's just good at stomping his feet and screaming at people too scared or too dumb to talk back; when challenged, he has no answers. I find the thesis that Obama would be "schooled" by Gingrich to be somewhat less than credible.

On the other hand, Romney might lull Obama to sleep, as he would anyone, so.

Road Dawg

2012-02-01T11:16:00.000-05:00

You people know the only thing I likes more than eating food is TALKING about eating food, and my buddy Martin has passed along his friend's blog, The Grifter's Guide to Musician-Approved Road Food. Love how the guy puts the interstate exits in the titles :) Bon appétit!

Float Away

2012-01-31T21:47:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me that 2012 is the 10-year anniversary of Marah's Float Away with the Friday Night Gods, which at the time was their "will they or won't they", break-out or breakup record that rather predictably served as the dividing line between the fans that were there from the beginning and those who would only hear them after they "sold out"; ie Let It Be vs. Tim. I mean hell, there's still people furious that The Beatles outgrew The Cavern Club and resent that the rest of the world became privy to their little secret.

Float Away is still my favorite Marah album - while Kids in Philly is one of the defining albums of my lifetime, when listened to objectively Float Away hits harder and closer to me personally. Leaving in particular is a desert island funeral slice - the catching of breath going into the final verse is one of my favorite rock 'n roll moments of all time (yes, that's Greggumz with a Z.)

Don't take my word for it? Visit five years ago when Paddy Mac and Theodore, the Conservative Bear, fought it out. Gotdam.

To the Moon Pie, Alice!

2012-01-31T21:28:00.001-05:00

I'm not a dessert guy, but in the latest Bon Appétit (JESUS, get over it people, YES I am one classy mothertfucker!! Christ, move the fuck on already!!!) I noticed a recipe for that Southern classic, the moon pie.

I don't really give a shit about moon pies per sé, but it seems like a good time to pimp out my old friend David Magee's book, Moonpie: Biography of An Out-of-This-World Snack:

The story of the iconic MoonPie provides the framework for this unusual historical biography of the South and its most revered snack. Developed in 1917 in response to coal miners' request for a filling—yet portable—snack, the MoonPie quickly became a favorite treat countrywide, with particular appeal in the South. This clever narrative chronicles the long and arduous path the lunar confection has traveled during the past 75 years—including bouts with economic depression, war, recessions, conglomerate competition, and changing generational tastes—and its enduring popularity almost a century later.

Some Chick in Asheville Has No Idea What the Fuck She's Talking About

2012-01-31T21:09:00.000-05:00

On the train today I was flipping though the latest issue of Bon Appétit (YES, I'm that fucking classy, get over it) and this caught my eye:

"I seriously have dreams about the Steinbeck burger, which is topped with pimiento cheese, bacon, and jalapenos. Paired with a draft beer, of course."

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “Didn't you define Steinbeck burgers YEARS ago?"

Why yes Faithful Reader, I fucking did:

Tonight's Book: The Grapes of Wrath

Menu: hamburger patty, fried potatoes
Take some grease (the older/more used the better), heat in skillet.
Slice up potatoes, put in skillet.
When pretty done, move to side of pan. Place burger in pan.
Grill burger.

Serve with no salt, no butter cause these are hard fucking times. Be pissed about there being no jobs cause the bosses are assholes. No seconds. Let stranger nurse from breast (if applicable.)

Pimento cheese? Bacon? Jalepenos? Does this idiot think she's feeding the goddam Kennedys? Wtf?

Nearing Forty. Sigh.

2012-01-31T20:46:00.000-05:00

I played football* this weekend for about 20 minutes** with Paddy Mac & Brothatime!!, and my quads*** feel like they've been beaten with aluminum bats and set on fire. Fucking hell.

*ie, stood around while Paddy Mac tried to run past me and Brothatime!!, repeatedly getting crushed into the ground, you can imagine how well that went for someone who's 3 feet tall and forty pounds.

** 5 minutes

*** front leg fat

It's Official

2012-01-31T20:04:00.000-05:00

I've decided to give up any hopes of finding a girlfriend who is even remotely attractive - I hope to soon be briefing my friends before meeting my girlfriend with "okay, I wouldn't call ______ a handsome woman, but..."

Me: I'm really happening, aren't I?

Sigh. Right On Fucking Cue.

2012-01-31T19:42:00.002-05:00

Minutes after I posted THIS, Sarah Palin is now debunking Global Warming because it's cold in, get this...Alaska. Hmm. This is like claiming homosexuality isn't real while in Wilt Chamberlain's bedroom.

They're Back!

2012-01-31T19:36:00.000-05:00

The Real Housewives of South Boston are back for the Super Bowl! Enjoy their first classic HERE.

Also, nice to see my RHOSB gf mention the Fung Wah :)

Degrees

2012-01-31T19:20:00.000-05:00

It's January 31, the sun has been down for 2 hours, and it's almost 60 degrees. I have the door to my roof open and am sitting in nuthugger shorts & a t-shirt that is about to rip open thanks to my ripped bod. Maybe I'll remember this the next time The Drudge Report snarkily asks "What Global Warming?" the next time a snowflake falls on planet Earth. Hmm.

This Shit

2012-01-31T19:15:00.000-05:00

Is cracking me the fuck up.

Goals. I Have Them.

2012-01-31T16:50:00.002-05:00

I wanna be a doctor just so I can ask a patient fora stool sample, and when they come back with one I yell "I meant stool, like the furniture!! What the fuck - you're disgusting!!!! Get that shit away from me!!!"

Sigh. Me - I'm really happening, aren't I?

Fucking Hell. Guess Who Dumped His Life Savings into Pink Slime Futures Just Yesterday? Fuck Me.

2012-01-31T16:47:00.000-05:00

Louie, Louie

2012-01-31T16:24:00.000-05:00

Louis C.K. on how a pilot is made.

Part interesting, part eye-rolling as he tries to make it sound absolutely miserable, which h succeeds at until you remember "oh yeah, I'm sure crafting your own vision of a tv show is MUCH worse than my crappy job." It's as if he wants to discourage would-be writers, "oh, don't even try, this is AWFUL!" Kinda like trying to explain to dudes how awful pussy is and they should just stay away, I reckon.

Also, I wonder how much of this is bullshit - it certainly doesn't jibe with how Dylan McKay gets movies made, after all.

Also, I still like Lucky Louie better than Louie and wish it was back!

Good, Juicy Question

2012-01-31T16:00:00.000-05:00

The TV Club over at Slat asks if Mary is a black widow:

Now I’m wondering if she wasn’t also realizing that she’s a bit of a black widow when it comes to men. Let’s look at her relationship history: Patrick, who she wasn’t in love with but was going to marry anyway, went down with the Titanic. Mr. Pamuk, who she wasn’t going to marry but did take to her bed, died on top of her. (As the dowager countess might say, trust a foreigner to take the little death too far.) Now Matthew, the only boy in the world for her, seems to have lost his manhood. Sir Richard Carlisle might want to check his life insurance policy.

Meanwhile, it was Mrs. Xmastime Sybil a few episodes ago who sniffled that "all the boys I've danced with are dead." Wtf is it with these girls? Can we assume that the one hick who Edith could get her mitts on has been run over by his wife on his own tractor? Yeesh.

At least Sybil's dudes were killed in war; Mary's just have weird shit happen to them. Killed in the most infamous ship sinking in history, and dying whilest fucking (DWF, trademark Xmastime 2012.) Meanwhile, Matthew can only WISH he'd died in battle instead of never being able to enjoy the pleasures of sweet, sweet stank again. Cruel.

And yes, if I'm Sir Richard, I'm looking up at the sky for falling anvils or grand pianos.

"Thaaaaaaaat's right, come a little bit closer...liiiiiittle bit closer....MWA-hahahahaha!"

Witches Brewing

2012-01-31T13:32:00.001-05:00

For some reason, teenage girls in upstate New York have started freaking out with seizures and fainting spells:

Environmental activist Erin Brockovich is launching her own investigation into the outbreak;...However, a doctor treating many of the students is confident that they are suffering not from poisoning, but from mass hysteria, also called mass psychogenic illness and other variants. Typically, symptoms—which can include Brownell’s Tourette’s-like movements, along with nausea, dizziness, cramping, and more—start with one or two victims and spread when others see or hear about them. Victims are often accused of faking it, but more often they are suffering real physical symptoms that are psychological in origin. The phenomenon has been observed for centuries, with the blame shifting to whatever specific anxieties are culturally pervasive at the time. But one theme has remained consistent: The victims are overwhelmingly female.

In other words, biches gonn' be bitches!! But seriously, perhaps someone should maybe ask Goody Brockovich if a Haitian housekeeper has been brought into the community to show the girls voodoo?

On a side note, just yesterday I saw this, which should serve to provide some sense in our own day & age of creating entire wars because we like little school girls when a mouse walks into the room:

The take-home from the trials shouldn’t be that poisonous plants can make you hallucinate, but that a perfectly capable, religious, and law-abiding community that laid the roots for American justice legally and conscientiously executed 20 of its own innocent citizens; that over 150 people in Salem that year who were charged as having consorted with the Devil. In [the jimsonweed] theory, the girls went crazy. In [historian Mary Beth Norton]’s, the town went crazy.

BONUS: Brockovich's connection could lead to a sequel of Hollywood's best cleavage film?

Finally. My Successor.

2012-01-31T13:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I look at the NBA and am disheartened to see players playing the game "the right way": hustling on defense, passing the ball to teammates, and busting their asses to hit the boards hard. So it's refreshing to finally see Blake Griffin playing the same way I did back in the day: above the rim, making sure the opponent smells your balls as you embarrass him in front of the world, then run into the bleachers and urinate on his family, rubbing his wife's tits with your dick, taking a cab to his house and burning it down to the ground, riding back to the game in the cab and running over his foot after the cab cuts a few doughnuts at midcourt, making him sniff your balls again, then maybe finish things up with a few minutes of doing the worm. It's called basketball, not cotillion class.

When Joe Scarborough Is the Smartest Guy in the Room Throwing His Hands in the Air and Waving Them Like He Just Don't Care, We're In Trouble

2012-01-31T11:57:00.002-05:00

Life Lessons

2012-01-31T11:09:00.001-05:00

If a girl says ________ is "the biggest asshole/douchebag in the world", the odds that she will sleep with him range from 100% to 100%.

An Open Letter to Joe Namath's Daughter, Jessica:

2012-01-30T18:44:00.000-05:00

You are the latest Mrs. Xmastime, and you have leap-frogged everyone else straight to the #1 slot. Congratulations (and, of course, you have been warned.)

Joe Willie

2012-01-30T18:24:00.000-05:00

I've been bitching for a Joe Namath movie, and finally we get an HBO doc on him. OF COURSE it's awesome - Joe Namath reading the phone booth is entertaining; Joe Namath + the voice of Liev Schriber = match made in heaven.

There are also some parallels between him and the Mickey Mantle HBO doc: strapping young bucks with insane athletic ability and Southern drawls who hit the New York City nightlife like hurricanes, both on injured knees which to this day makes those who saw them run at 100% feel sorry for those who never could, and both with a physical toughness and willingness to play through obscene pain that their teammates absolutely loved them for, despite they're being placed on pedestals by fans and media (and both funny as hell.)

Joe Show HERE.

Run, Newt, Run!!!!!!

2012-01-30T16:59:00.000-05:00

THIS has been going around everywhere for a day now:

“Vote for Newt. Annoy a liberal." - Sarah Palin

Of course, as a left-wing commie-pinko liberal I can tell you THERE IS NOTHING MORE I WANT than people voting for Newt and keeping him in the GOP race - hell, watching Newt careen around the country like a hot-air balloon/bulldog Transformer topping himself in the Ass-Baffling Olympics (not to be confused of course with the Batshit Olympics) makes it almost worth voting for him to be president just so we can REALLY sit back and watch him perform as George Bush with insane ambition and a dangerous belief in his "smarts." In other words, frighteningly entertaining.

Meanwhile, even after all these years it's hard to decide whether Sniffy is actually that unaware and stupid or that brilliantly ironic. Myself, I'll chalk it up to an asteroid coming close to Earth. Hey, whom amongst us has not been distracted by the tug of our Motherland?

"A gobba wobba cvhhfhjked ufgpogpb ajnanaahhjkhjkh 2%%666 kkjdksjdjkkjjjokddhchy!"

Oh, Camon

2012-01-30T15:48:00.001-05:00

Ezra Klein's joint HERE has a piece about why people are flocking to Chinatown Buses: the danger.

Their study in Urban Geography, “Everything but the Chicken: Cultural Authenticity Onboard the Chinatown Bus” finds that it’s not just the cheap fares that draw customers. “Participants routinely framed the Chinatown bus as an authentic urban experience,” they found, “a thrilling and danger-enhanced departure from daily life, and as an engagement with the multicultural city.”

This is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard in my life. This is total fucking "sorority girl braving the bridge to go to a 'dive bar on Bedford Avenue, hipster trust fund kid moving to a block with only one Starbucks" bullshit. Nobody chooses a fucking bus based on the odds of it being dangerous - can I start a bus company wherein I immediately set the thing on fire and you can only hold on to your seat and hope you get to your destination before being blown to fucking bits?

Hey, a quick "Chinatown Bus" search on this blog will show you I've had many, MANY experiences on the Fung Wah, but all of them laughable - not once did I think "oooh yeah, the driver is nodding off! This is awesome!" I take the Chinatown Bus for the exact same reason everybody else does: it's half the price of Greyhound and, by the time Greyhound makes it's precious fucking stop at Baltimore Plaza (adding another 25 minutes thanks to these motherfuckers), quicker. I got on a Chinatown bus in DC at 10am this morning and set foot in Midtown Manhattan at 1:50, with no less service and no more danger than Greyhound provides on a regular basis. Fucking hell.

Life Lessons.

2012-01-30T13:25:00.000-05:00

There's nothing quite like trying to piss in a Chinatown bus bathroom to make one think "you know, maybe I really shoulda hit the books a little harder after all."

Must Say

2012-01-30T13:18:00.000-05:00

I think I like the new Ferris Bueller commercial more than I ever did the movie.

Speaking of The Shining ...

2012-01-30T11:54:00.000-05:00

...BOO!

Shelly Duvall in 1980. Sigh.

2012-01-30T11:51:00.000-05:00

You know The Shining is an Xmastime slice of slices, but these people are prolly fucking nuts.

It's Official: I Am No Longer Man

2012-01-30T10:58:00.004-05:00

I've spent the last 13 hours scheming re: how can I get out of watching the Super Bowl next Sunday so I don't miss Downton Abbey. Will I be the first person to ever cal in suck to a Super Bowl party?

Sigh. Me - I 'm really happening, aren't I?

PBS Memories

2012-01-28T09:39:00.000-05:00

You know I loves me some Todd Snider, and it looks like Tinsel & Rot was introduced to him the same moment I was in 1996, when PBS aired his Austin City Limits show. I also remember seeing him play Oh Boy! with Joe Ely on some show that was hosted by Tom Luke Duke Wopat...wtf that was, I have no idea. I went on to wear the fuck outta that album, although I've curiously listened to nothing of his since. But I still love that record.

Mostly, thinking about it remembers of an odd stretch in Oxford when PBS seemed to play on a continuous loop:

A Hard Day's Night
The Making of A Hard Day's Night
Help!
The Red Green Show
The Steven Banks Show - featuring one of my favorite all-time television movements, his song I Miss Paul. An incredible mix of comedy ("No one could make a pot of tea like Paul could") and poignancy ("I wish we were back in Liverpool.") Super super slice.

Skip ahead to the 5:00 mark for the song.

Ha!

2012-01-28T09:03:00.000-05:00

A few days ago I mentioned that John Tyler has two grandsons still alive; here's an interview with one who doesn't much keep up with politics but still knows Newt Gingrich is a total douchebag. Ha! Newt is only 2 degrees from being repulsive to our 10th president. Kudos, asshole.

Something My Nephew Just Said

2012-01-27T18:12:00.001-05:00

"Don't hate. Participate!"

Questions. I Have Them.

2012-01-27T10:36:00.002-05:00

Why is there no The Real Housewives of Newt Gingrich reality show?

Thoughts, Barely, By Xmastime

2012-01-26T17:42:00.001-05:00

I've just about fucking had it with actors or musicians going on tv and blathering on and on about how unimpressed with their jobs their kids are, how "uncool" they see them. Yes, I'm sure your kids wish you were the assistant manager at Kmart. For fuck's sake, shut the fuck up - just once I'd like to see someone say "I'm a fucking movie star, you're goddam right my kids think I'm the coolest thing in the world."

Mo' Nuggets, Mo' Problems

2012-01-26T17:17:00.000-05:00

Just yesterday I reminded you that CHICKEN MCNUGGETS ARE FUCKING AWESOME!!!

THIS GIRL agrees with me, eating them every day since she was two years old and being at death's door at the ripe old age of 17:

"She's been told in no uncertain terms that she'll die if she carries on like this. But she says she can't eat anything else."

The only variation in Stacey's diet apart from fries is the occasional slice of toast for breakfast — and CRISPS.

She said: "I first tasted chicken nuggets when my mum took me to McDonald's when I was two. I loved them so much they were all I would eat.

"I just couldn't face even trying other foods. Mum gave up giving me anything else years ago."

Sigh. And you people wonder why I wanna move to England - the streets are paved with Chicken McNuggets!!!!

Sick Songs

2012-01-26T16:25:00.001-05:00

THIS article asks "why are there no more songs about disease?"

I dunno. I guess disease isn't as sexy as it once was. That jump-rope song, whatsitsname, "ashes to ashes we all fall down", came about because people were LITERALLY falling down dead from the plague. We're not as at ease with death as, say, the Victorian Age, when a kid would drop dead in the morning and be buried in the afternoon - mom and dad would be back working before dinner, and then Elizabeth Gaskell would write a short story about them, rinse lather and repeat. I guess (thankfully) we're just not able to be as matter of fact about, say, AIDS these days.

Meanwhile, if you gotta have a disease and sing about it, this is the one you want. (Sniff sniff...oh, Johnny Rivers...snifff...someone cutin' onions up in here???!!)

Questions. I Have Them.

2012-01-26T15:42:00.002-05:00

How many presidential elections away are we from a candidate during a debate earnestly answering a question about his critics by saying "hey, h8r's gon' h8!"? 2016? 2020? Hopefully?

Cool Hand Xmastime

2012-01-26T14:38:00.000-05:00

Last week HERE I mentioned my newfound interest in the WWI era, thanks to my ~~being a woman~~ love of Downton Abbey. As I said, pretty much all I'd ever thought about WWI before was that it's partly responsible for us never really hearing about the 1918 Influenza (which is odd since 3x more Americans died of it than WWI) the US wasn't involved in it for too long, and it was greatly overshadowed in the US by it's sequel (a á Godfather II being better than The Godfather.)

Of course in Europe it was a much bigger deal, and this article in the NY Times (as usual, the world has followed my lead and said "hey, yeeeeaaah...I wanna know about WWI too!"...get a life, people!) mentions several reasons why: besides it being the first war to be largely filmed, it was the first one of weapons of mass destruction, which greatly changed what man was willing to put up with in a war:

But there is another deeper, perhaps more profound reason the war continues to preoccupy us. It was a conflict between 19th-century armies equipped with 20th-century weapons — hence the unprecedented carnage. The tactics were 19th century — advance on the enemy. But the enemy had weapons of mass destruction — the battlefield was dominated by tanks, machine guns, howitzers, aircraft and poisonous gas. Some 117,000 American servicemen died in the 19 months of United States participation in World War I — more than twice as many as in Vietnam, nearly 20 times as many as in Iraq and Afghanistan.

No society today would accept such a horrendous casualty count. At the beginning of the Battle of the Somme, on July 1, 1916, the British Army suffered 60,000 dead and wounded — in one day. It was arguably the worst butcher’s bill in military history, of army versus army. There is a very real sense in which the modern world — our world — was born between 1914 and 1918. Something changed in human sensibility. Soldiers wouldn’t be willing to engage in such slaughter.

Even MORE interesting to me, the war remains a bigger deal to Britain than other countries partly due to poetry:

One of the reasons for this is, paradoxically, the resonance of the poetry. The poets of the First World War — Wilfred Owen, Siegfried Sassoon, Edmund Blunden, Isaac Rosenberg — are taught in almost all British schools. I can remember Wilfred Owen’s terrifying poem “Dulce et Decorum Est,” about a mustard-gas attack, being read aloud to us in the classroom when I was 10 or 11. One boy actually ran outside, he was so overcome and upset. The war poems shaped your earliest perceptions of the First World War and were swiftly buttressed by the familiar images of the trenches and the histories of the futile, costly battles.

I remember reading Dulce et Decorum Est, but I don't really remember giving a damn about it being set in WWI. Which, as an American, shouldn't really be a surprise.

I'll tell you one thing though: if those krauts so much as mess up a hair on Captain Crawley's beautiful head, they best be ready to knuckle up and guard their grill.

Thoughts, Barely, By Xmastime

2012-01-26T14:16:00.000-05:00

Eventually, Gwen Stefani is gonna hafta actually do something to warrant her being splashed throughout dozens of magazines every week, right?

Well. Maybe Mitt Was Right.

2012-01-26T13:28:00.000-05:00

Maybe corporations ARE people. Small, petulant, whiny babies, sure; but people nonetheless.

The GOP Presidential Race

2012-01-26T12:55:00.000-05:00

Fidel Castro is not a fan:

The Republican presidential race is “the greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been,” former Cuban president Fidel Castro wrote in an opinion piece on Wednesday.

Castro made his comments in his latest column of “reflections” on a Cuban government website, attacking the Republican candidates two days after their debate in Florida.

You know what? Castro can go eat a bag of commie dicks; he wouldn't know a great tv show if it bit him in the ass. This is by far the best season of any show since Season 4 of Seinfeld, the last great show that was "about nothing," and this jerkoff is whining. In his defense, maybe he's just no "getting it", and perhaps when this season streams on Netflix he'll be able to watch it at his own speed and appreciate it more.

My March To Womanhood Is Now Complete

2012-01-26T12:37:00.003-05:00

It's official: I have now sent an email about fashionable hats from 100 years ago. Wow.

Depressed

2012-01-26T12:32:00.000-05:00

How the fuck is it possible that January is already almost over? Wtf? I feel like we're just starting to gear up for 2012, and it's already almost February? Are you kidding me?

At Da Wal-Marts

2012-01-26T12:27:00.000-05:00

Wal-Mart is apparently laying off their night-shift supercenter greeters. Wal-Mart is the biggest employer in the nation and the world's biggest retailer, gets a shit-ton of tax breaks and presumably has a small army of lawyers who work 24/7 to shave down their tax rate as much as possible, has most of their goods made in China for about a nickel a year, made $103B last year, and yet isn't interested in keeping on about 3,000 employees making a coupla bucks an hour for whom that money makes enough of a difference in their lives they're willing to work nights at Wal-Mart. I'm not saying Wal-Mart needs to be running a charity, but if this isn't a sign that the whole "gee, if we only kept their taxes low, they'd nobly create jobs for people!" line we're supposed to be falling for is absolute bullshit then I really don't know what is.

Well. This Is Interesting.

2012-01-26T12:01:00.000-05:00

The Washington Post HERE mentions something everyone as been noticing for a while now, that Newt Gingrich sure likes to describe himself as being "grandiose."

Meanwhile, in reading the Columbine article I wrote about in the post below, you know who else are described as being "grandiose"? PSYCHOPATHS!

Harris' pattern of grandiosity, glibness, contempt, lack of empathy, and superiority read like the bullet points on Hare's Psychopathy Checklist and convinced Fuselier and the other leading psychiatrists close to the case that Harris was a psychopath.

I ain't saying Newt's gonna get a gun and start killing people, but it's finally starting to make sense. Hell, he's TELLING us he's fucking nuts!!!

Why Hasn't Anyone Made a Parody of the Song "Closing Time" with "Columbine"?

2012-01-26T11:54:00.000-05:00

Interesting article from a few years ago on Slate about the minds of the Columbine killers. Most of us assume it was an extreme case of the ol' "bullied misfits vs. the jocks", but it turns out Harris was propelled by an air of superiority:

It rages on for page after page and is repeated in his journal and in the videos he and Klebold made. But Fuselier recognized a far more revealing emotion bursting through, both fueling and overshadowing the hate. What the boy was really expressing was contempt.

He is disgusted with the morons around him. These are not the rantings of an angry young man, picked on by jocks until he's not going to take it anymore. These are the rantings of someone with a messianic-grade superiority complex, out to punish the entire human race for its appalling inferiority. It may look like hate, but "It's more about demeaning other people," says Hare.

And was in fact an actual psychopath:

Harris' pattern of grandiosity, glibness, contempt, lack of empathy, and superiority read like the bullet points on Hare's Psychopathy Checklist and convinced Fuselier and the other leading psychiatrists close to the case that Harris was a psychopath.

It begins to explain Harris' unbelievably callous behavior: his ability to shoot his classmates, then stop to taunt them while they writhed in pain, then finish them off. Because psychopaths are guided by such a different thought process than non-psychopathic humans, we tend to find their behavior inexplicable. But they're actually much easier to predict than the rest of us once you understand them. Psychopaths follow much stricter behavior patterns than the rest of us because they are unfettered by conscience, living solely for their own aggrandizement. (The difference is so striking that Fuselier trains hostage negotiators to identify psychopaths during a standoff, and immediately reverse tactics if they think they're facing one. It's like flipping a switch between two alternate brain-mechanisms.)

Interestingly enough, it looks like Harris/Kliebold were the Lennon/McCartney of the school-killing set, partners who fit as perfect complements to each other:

The diagnosis transformed their understanding of the partnership. Despite earlier reports about Harris and Klebold being equal partners, the psychiatrists now believe firmly that Harris was the mastermind and driving force. The partnership did enable Harris to stray from typical psychopathic behavior in one way. He restrained himself. Usually psychopathic killers crave the stimulation of violence. That is why they are often serial killers—murdering regularly to feed their addiction. But Harris managed to stay (mostly) out of trouble for the year that he and Klebold planned the attack. Ochberg theorizes that the two killers complemented each other. Cool, calculating Harris calmed down Klebold when he got hot-tempered. At the same time, Klebold's fits of rage served as the stimulation Harris needed.

Here We Go Again

2012-01-26T03:02:00.001-05:00

This is interesting:

The Federal Reserve has moved closer to embarking on a new round of its controversial money-pumping after the central bank and its chairman Ben Bernanke highlighted a grim outlook for the U.S. economy.

Of course this shouldn't be controversial at all since math is math and economics is economics, but of course this will be seen as Obama's Socialist spending $$$$ on Welfare Queens, so. Oh, here we go:

It remains to be seen if the potential political backlash proves too daunting.

Of course, QE3 won't happen because we need to make sure the people that a continuing recession would most destroy are fooled enough by the people for whom it's continuation would most benefit are made happy; I eagerly await Joe the Plumber's outrage over some Wall Street Hedge Funder being made to pay a $50 application fee to buy Joe's foreclosed home. Fun to watch.

In Other Earth-Shattering News, Chocolate and Peanut Butter Are a Tasty Combination

2012-01-26T00:37:00.002-05:00

And I Haven't Even Mentioned Phoebe Cates Yet

2012-01-26T00:25:00.000-05:00

No matter how old you get or how many actual women you see in your lifetime, there's still a cognitive pizza theory-esque thrill when you flip around late night and land on Private School. Sigh.

The Washington Bullets

2012-01-25T22:17:00.000-05:00

Via HERE we see Newt Gingrich being his normal humble self:

Gingrich rebutted the charge that he is “grandiose” by comparing himself to Abraham Lincoln, the Wright Brothers and John F. Kennedy.

Is it wrong for me to say that I'd want Newt to resemble those very two presidents as well?

Of course, America sucks at that these days, so it's just wishful thinking anyways.

He's Right - Bill Only Cheated On One Wife

2012-01-25T22:01:00.003-05:00

L'Onion

2012-01-25T21:48:00.000-05:00

THIS was already laugh-out-loud hysterical, but the last line:

As of press time, Peters was urging Carter to turn his short story into a feature-length screenplay.

takes it from A+ to A++++. Dying!

This Is Fucking Exhausting.

2012-01-25T21:06:00.000-05:00

For some reason McDonalds still can't accept the fact that Chicken McNuggets ARE FUCKING AWESOME; for some reason, every coupla years they gotta come out with a new chicken product, almost apologizing for the old standby McNuggets, when the fact is they knocked the shit outta the park the first time and should just stop it already. This time it's the McBite, which THIS GUY SAYS are just balls of over-seasoned fried batter. For fuck's sake. It's like trying to come up with a way to get a girl pregnant that's more pleasurable than fucking. You won't, you can't and just stop fucking trying already.

What They Never Teach You in School

2012-01-25T19:12:00.002-05:00

One day you will find yourself thinking "if this little shit says 'what?' one more time I'm breaking his fucking face."

Things I Think About, Again

2012-01-25T16:39:00.000-05:00

I'm watching the pilot episode for BH 90210, natch, and I notice that in Kelly mentioning to Brenda that she'd broken up with Steve she says he's "having a hard time understanding that it's o-v-e-r." Well of course he does, I couldn't help but think - knowing Steve as I do, if you're spelling it out to him, of course he's not going to understand you. Duh!

"Spell? I'm only 37 years old!"

Things I Think About

2012-01-25T16:02:00.002-05:00

I just noticed that Brandon wasn't in the Beverly Hills 90210 finale. Um...what? I don't wanna be an asshole, but what on Earth could Jason Priestly have even POSSIBLY had going on that he couldn't make it for the taping? I mean, really?

oooooh, pilot's on now! (squealing)

Le Nuit, Tous Les Chats Sont Gris

2012-01-25T15:38:00.000-05:00

Craig Ferguson is the King of Late Night TV and to me there isn't even remotely a closed 2nd. This week he's been replaying his week in France from last year, starting with this musical kickoff. I have yet to watch it without cracking up every time the alligator and bunny pop up.

Memories

2012-01-25T14:16:00.000-05:00

It's not fair to compare his solo show to the classic Mike and the Mad Dog, but listening to Francesa's annual Super Bowl quiz without the Marqui de Sade is toally depressing. Sigh.

An Open Letter to the Guy Whistling at Foodtown

2012-01-25T13:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Sir:

In what I'm sure is a big surprise to everybody, your incredibly loud whistling was in fact NOT more pleasing to the ear than Adele singing through the store's speakers - while her voice is ridiculously amazing, your shrill whistle served merely to slice through my skull and stab my brain. This is not to say I don't admire your presumed belief that we're all living in your world and you above all else should be paid attention to, in fact I admire that, but maybe next time you hear one of the world's greatest singers who has sold millions of records and thrilled millions in audiences around the globe while you're in a public place, take pause before assuming people would rather hear you instead. Thank you for your cooperation.

I remain,
XMASTIME

Liz Cho is Catapaulted Onto the Mrs. Xmastime List

2012-01-24T23:57:00.000-05:00

I never watch the local news. Or news at all, really. Well, except for FOX News, but that's only because it's the best sitcom I've seen since Seinfeld (actually, it might be even better - who woulda thought a show could be that funny if ALL the characters were Kramer????!?!) But I have been aware of the Channel 7 Eyewitness News beauty queen Liz Cho, who is regularly voted "Hottest News Anchor in the Country" year after year, which is a no-brainer since she looks like this:

Nice, right?

But suddenly, today in the office a tv was on while she was doing the news and my dick did a double take, as she had glasses on: "Wha-wha-wha-WHA?!?!?!??!?!!!!!" - ohmygod, she looked like Sarah Palin at minute 7 of a bukkake session. I mighta glanced at her about 100 times in 14 years, and then SUDDENLY she had glasses on, and it was a game-changer Unreal.

My dick calling the shots, I did a ~~has never happened in my life~~ standard check-in on the Channel 7 11 o'clock news, as I wanted to know what was going on in Teaneck NJ, and this was my reward. I've been wrong this whole time: there is a God, and he fucking looooooooooooooooves me!

My Online Dating Luck May Be Changing

2012-01-24T23:06:00.002-05:00

Despite Marley's best efforts, I have not exactly been setting the dating world on fire via Match.com; however, a new dating site has made an appearance in my life that may make a real difference:

This is a win/win for me - as well as anticipating my upcoming tenderness with Heather, I greatly look forward to real fellowship with Jeanie, Ferne, Jammie, and Dxemcaolxlw. First day of the rest of my life, guys!

What I Liked Most About the State of the Union

2012-01-24T22:46:00.000-05:00

If I glance at the acronym SOTU quickly enough, it looks like STFU.

WELL, Well Well.

2012-01-24T21:59:00.000-05:00

Check out how Apple did this last quarter:

Apple's stellar quarter generated sales of $46.3 billion, a tech industry record. That's up 73% from a year ago, and it easily topped Wall Street analysts' $38.9 billion median forecast, according to a Thomson Reuters poll.

It was one of the most profitable quarters ever for any U.S. company, trailing only ExxonMobil's record-setting $14.8 billion quarter from the fall of 2008, when oil prices were at an all-time high.

How many times did you fucking hear me say on this very blog that the minute they get Steve Jobs outta the way they can start making some REAL fucking money?

SOTU 9:34PM

2012-01-24T21:46:00.000-05:00

I kept seeing excerpts of Obama's SOTU from several hours before the speech; I can't stand it when they release the text of speeches before they're even given. I know the president has a team of writers, but can't we all PRETEND it's kinda extemporaneous, that anything can happen? Knowing he's reading what anyone else could've hours beforehand makes a speech less (potentially) inspirational; even LESS organic than we already think it is. The speech feels somehow weaker if I feel like I could go up and read the damn thing and it would make no difference. It should feel like a "speech", not "reading." At least fool us!

If nothing else, release a fake one. "OHMYGOD - he's gonna talk about invading Chuck E. Cheese???!?!!?"

"Bring it, bitch!"

The World Is Finally Catching On

2012-01-24T21:04:00.000-05:00

Gee. THIS is a real mystery: a few months ago I started saying that The Big Bang Theory is a new superslice, and now, WHADDYA KNOW, it becomes the first show ever to beat American Idol in the all-important 18-49 age group:

For the first time ever, “Big Bang” — or any CBS show, for that matter — drew more viewers in the 18-to-49 category than “American Idol.”

I'm not saying this means that I necessarily singlehandedly run the pop culture universe and have become THE arbiter of taste, I'm just...wait a second...oh yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. Boom!

Good Judgement. It Counts.

2012-01-24T16:27:00.000-05:00

- People need to stop calling Sarah Palin an "exciting!" choice as if "exciting" means anything in this context. Hey, it would also be "exciting" if McCain had picked, say...Tony Dorsett. Wouldn't that be exciting? Yes. Does that mean you should vote for him? Hmm. - XMASTIME

I was reminded of this by Ezra Klein's article about Newt's "Ideas':

When Gingrich was speaker of the House, Bob Dole was the Senate majority leader. And so Dole spent a lot of time listening to the speaker’s proposals. “Gingrich’s staff has these five file cabinets, four big ones and this little tiny one,” he told The New York Times. “Number one is ‘Newt’s ideas.’ Number two, ‘Newt’s ideas.’ Number three, number four, ‘Newt’s ideas.’ The little one is ‘Newt’s Good Ideas.’”