Friday, August 17, 2007

We're Allllllllllllllllllllllll Worried About Kelly

As I mentioned yesterday, I sensed Kelly was about to slide into every thin, beautiful girl’s dream come true: developing a hard-core eating disorder. So I decided to closely watch the next episode and see how she holds up.


4:05 – After bitching cause David ate the last banana at breakfast: “that’s okay. I shouldn’t eat anyway.” OH-OH!!!! Alarm bells!! Such clever, subtle writing – why don’t they just have her stick the banana down her throat and puke in the sink? Jesus Christ. Wait a second…did I…just finally stumble upon the third act to my latest movie, “Fuck My Face and Make Me Puke in the Sink, Jesus Christ”? Serendipity, my fickle mistress: welcome back!!!!

4:09 – Now she snaps at Steve after overhearing him talking about “perfect-looking” women. “There’s no such thing as perfect!!” and stomps away. “There’s no such thing as perfect”? Doesn’t sound like someone who’s striving to lose weight to gain the persfect body, does it? Kelly, are you even TRYING to get under 100 lbs, or is this just a lot of hot air? Which, I shouldn't have to remind you, is what you're supposed to be eating. Lard-ass.

4:10 – Dylan just offered her a potato chip. Declines. Who the fuck says no to a potato chip - can NObody see these fucking signals, people?

Oh wait, here we go….Dylan catches that she’s taking diet pills. He is, after all, a mixture of one part shamen, one part doctor, and one part James Dean. Without the talent to drive himself off a cliff of course. Dylan is the one person in the world who slowly nods his head in agreement during Eddie and the Cruisers II when Eddie blathers that “the music is in the silences!” What a genius. Now he shakes his head. “You should eat.” Kelly looks disgusted. I guess she doesn’t want a greasy chip. Or Steve just got his perm re-activated and it’s wafting.

Side note…she agrees to go to dinner with Dylan, who says ”I’ll pick you up at 8:30.” 8:30? Wtf? Now, I know these are rich kids, a different world from me in high school. Well, or now. I had a curfew – there’s no way I’m waiting to meet up with my girl at 8:30. Every minute was precious – 30 seconds after the final bell, I got my snout up my girl’s rim like a gotdam hounddog at a pork chop piñata. Not once did I say to her “Yeah, we’ll meet up, but first I’m gonna go home and hang out with my folks for five hours, cool?” Shit’s whack. And doesn’t this just give Kelly more time to think about how fat she is?

4:15 – “Maybe I just don’t feel like being Kelly Taylor anymore!” I see. Another signal - she’s tired of being young, popular and rich. Well, and fat I guess. Storms home during lunch..

4:16 – ohoh!! Hitting the fridge! Scarfing ice cream, why is she even using a spoon?!?! Now freaks out, shoves ice cream down the sink. Isn’t the ol’ “hoovers ice cream frantically” a little clichéd at this point for depicting women with eating disorders? Just once I’d like to see one of these girls tear apart a Cornish game hen with their teeth, growling while their eyes roll back in their heads. Outside of my home fuck-tapes, I mean. When are ice cream companies gonna jump in on this, start targeting these women? “Our Vomiting Vanilla will have you retching like you just saw a short hair in it, Tubby!” Maybe scoopers shaped like fingers? Ice cream containers with a toilet seat lid? Gag!

4:17 – Turns our her mom is selling the house, and there’s an Open House right now. Kelly’s irritable!!! Yelling at potential buyers!!! Ohoh, now she’s screaming at this 12-year old girl that’s with her mother, checking out the house….of course it doesn’t occur to anyone to ask why neither of these girls are in school during the middle of the day….or why an Open House has been scheduled for the middle of a weekday…or why God stopped at two when giving chicks titties....ooooohh, Kelly’s angry – she did NOT seem sincere when she said “you’re welcome!” to her mom’s “thanks so much for running these people off!!” I’d say Kelly should put something in her stomach, but then I wouldn’t be supportive of her “diet”, would I?

4:25 - Kelly and her Mom are fighting. Meeeooooooow! Mom: “you’re 18, you have to learn to cope with things!!” um, hello….isn’t she? By scarfing n barfing? Least she’s trying!!!! Just her way, mama!

Oh my. Mom has just seriously quoted the Bible: “this too shall pass.” Wow. Though I have a feeling Jackie has used that one before, peut-etre after swallowing too much during another “bukkake for blow” session. And I think the writers blew an opportunity here for a real, open dialogue: Kelly should’ve retorted to the Bible quote with “Ooooh, that’s heavy!” to wit Mama could’ve snorted back “Not as heavy as you fat-ass!!” Then they both turn to the camera for a 60-second PSA on “eating disorders and why they work.”

4:30 – Kelly’s having a fit, not going to dinner cause she cant find a shoe! Dylan: “youre not going just because of a lousy shoe?” Ohoh. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan….3 things you don’t say to a woman: 1) something about their weight, 2) “why don’t you pay for dinner, you KNOW I got fired for not knowing how to read you heartless fucking cunt!! And I’m into shit-play!!” and 3) something that doesn’t take their shoes seriously. You’d think D-Man would know this. Disappointing.

4:32 – ohoh…looking in a mirror, this cant be good…frowning…spinning, more frowning, silent disgust with herself….oh yeah! Break out the pills!! Suck em down, fatty!!! Yes!!! Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re off!!!

4:40 - Now she’s in a convertible complaining about overheating. Dr. Dylan: “its prolly the diet pills, Kel.” Now she says her heart is beating a mile a minute….Dylan shakes his head, drives on to the surprise birthday party for Kelly. He knows she’s been popping pills and not eating, now she’s complaining about being too hot even though he says it’s freezing, and her heart is dangerously racing….I gotta agree with the doctor here, what she needs is the calming, soothing act of everybody she knows jumping out from behind the furniture and screaming “SURPRISE!!” at her. This guy is, in a word, good.

4:42 – Well, she survived her own entrance. Ooooohh, frosty hug from Brenda…guess if Kellys gonna start eating now, its not gonna be Brenda’s mud flaps. Beeeeeeep. And who is this black dude Andrea’s with? I’ve never seen a black person on this show, now all of a sudden he’s hanging all over Andrea while everyone calls him Jordan. The Walsh’s must be furious, thinking they moved to the one place in the country whiter than Minnesota and now this guy shows up!

4:45 – Kelly going to the bathroom! This is gonna be good!! PLE-E-E-E-NTY of mirrors and toilets to get her juices flowing!!! Her own version of me walking into a Fuddruckers with….well, Fuddruckers would be enough, actually. She’s at a sink, throwing cold water on herself. Wtf. How does NOT eating make you overheat? Think it would be the opposite, no? My body temperature rises 20 degrees if I fucking walk by a Burger King. Okay, Im lying, it rises 20 degrees if I WALK. Oh wait, is this the body recognizing that Kelly wants to lose weight? “hmmm…she’s upchucking on purpose…let’s turn up the heat, help her sweat some off... good for her!!” wow…the female body, eh - is there nothing it can’t do? I mean other than orgasm during intercourse, obviously. Poor things.

4:46 – Sucking down water…room spinning…oooh Kelly, you are an ugly bitch!!!! This is gonna be good…..

4:47 – Brenda walks in KELLY’S ON THE FLOOR! UNCONSCIOUS!! DAMN YOU, COMMERCIALS!!!! Now we gotta wait to see what happens….if I didn’t already know Kelly was later gonna sleep her way thru the cast and get hooked on crack while joining a cult, I’d worry she might be dead.

4:52 - Kelly’s at the hospital. Dylan’s taking it hard, beating himself up for not throwing her pills out earlier. But not for 8 Seconds,I see. Interesting – is it even possible to figure this guy out? He’s an enigma wrapped in a riddle encased in another enigma with a Sphinx colostomy bag. Now the gang is going over what they’ve seen over the past few weeks. Gee, turns out they’ve all seen Kelly not eat and pop a ton of pills. What a group of friends. They could watch OJ buying a case of leather gloves and he wouldn’t get an intervention from this bunch. “Come to think of it, he DID email us every day for two weeks he was gonna kill her…hmmm….” And seriously, who is this black guy with his arms around Andrea??

4:53 – Kelly’s mom is now bitching at the doctor that she don’t understand how the pills went wrong. “They’re supposed to be safe!” Nothing like a coke addict yelling this at a doctor. This is like my dick screaming at the cops “hey, she said she was 16!!!”

4:54 – Why does she have 2 black eyes? Doesn’t it seem like every time someone’s in a hospital bed on tv, their eyes are black? What’s going on in these fucking ambulances?

4:56 – Brenda and Kelly making up. Awww. Hearts melting all over the US. Leaving, Brenda says “call me tomorrow, ill take you out for ice cream.” Brilliant move, Brenda! Fatten the bitch up so Dylan will dump her! Yes!!!!

Show ends Dylan in room as she falls asleep. Obviously the lesson is that if you get skinny enough you’ll end up in the hospital, reuniting with your best friend and sleeping with your ridiculously rich boyfriend. One to grow on! Whoops...too soon?

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