This is EMBARRASSING!

All these reports of high schoolers not having sex is pissing me off. And teachers, this isn't directed at you; obviously you're doing all you can to get these kids humping something other than each other during Greco-Roman wrestling week in gym cass. But I feel like my generation has let the next one down. Seriously, where are the people my age who are supposed to be lurking in local parking lots, luring these kids to their first keggers to get shitfaced enough to finally have their first fuck? Where are the Bunky Davis'(hometown almost-living legend) of this generation: someone who dedicates his life not to his own career or family but to going to prom every single year from 1976 thru the present, making sure these girls are overwhelmed by his age/liquor/El Camino enough to drop their drawers and gets to fucking - when will we stand up so that Bunky and his brothers-in-isolated, out of earshot farms can finally stand down? We are in arrears with our responsibilities, people. The alarm bell is ringing; now get some fucking everclear in that punch bowl and make sure you get far enuff out in the woods for this to fucking happen. Jesus. As a great man once said, it's called L-E-A-D-E-R-S-H-I-P.