As for me, of course I'm still recovering from my own playground treats as The Short Bus' Manny...
I wiped orange cheese powder on my crumpled dress pants and Chuck, seeing I needed my Goldfish refreshed, grabbed another handful with his tiny fist and shoved them in my face.“Rats! Mo gofish Rats!”Hanging out with a little kid meant I had to eat a lot of crap. All the kids we hung out with were learning about sharing for the first time, so if one of them offered me anything I’d have to accept it with some over-the-top "thank you so much for sharing, you’re a goddam hero!” bullshit. And I couldn’t get away with not eating the shit right then and there since they’d anxiously stare at me until I finally popped it into my mouth, which would make the kid who’d given it to me so excited he’d grab another handful for me; without realizing it I’d eat half the fucking bag and would be standing on the baking heat of the asphalt playground buzzed on faux powdered cheese, feeling like a grizzly bear who’d just been shot with a tranquilizer dart.Of course none of the kids were going to understand "no thanks, I don't want another one, let's get back to working on you making hot chicks bend over to pick you up so I can see down their shirts, thank you very much," so they kept coming with the treats. And unlike my own style of eating, which consisted of hovering over my plate swatting away hands like a fucking ninja, kids aren’t selfish at all with food - like rich people, they have no idea there might ever be an end to their supply. Since one kid sharing always egged on the other kids, the amount of crap offered would go up exponentially. One time I even tried shouting “hey, what’s that over there?!?!” and then tossing it behind my head, but of course some asshole kid saw it, freaked out, and I found myself picking up a goddam gummi bear off the filthy fucking playground, having to make a big show of eating it for the kids. I may as well have been scraping my dignity up off the asphalt and eating it.
I drove past a man who was standing on the roadside holding a cardboard sign upon which was penned ANYTHING WILL HELP. Feeling immediately burdened by his plight, I turned my car into the 7-11 and grabbed a large bottled water, an 'OH YEAH' protein bar and a large snack bag of those CHEESE DOODLES, figuring he would appreciate a few minutes of salty cheesy crunchy goodness. I drove back to his stop and handed him the bag. Smiling he blessed me and at that very moment I saw them. Cheese teeth. Not the orange ones but the broken bits of chalk often refer to as 'cheese teeth'. The light went green and I quickly pulled away...
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