XMASTIME: Greatness Called, and Got Disconnected

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Thursday, December 01, 2005

Greatness Called, and Got Disconnected

Each of us has MAYBE one chance at greatness in our lives. Robin Lovitt had a chance of becoming a milestone, a Trivial Pursuit Genus 6 edition answer, a footnote in history - until Governor Warner granted him clemency, thereby preventing him from becoming the 1,000th person in the United States to be executed since the death penalty was brought back (like "The Family Guy"!!) in 1976. How sad. Now instead of having his name roll off the lips of Alec Trebek, Robin goes back to a life of weightlifting, trading cartons of smokes, anal rape and, worse, finding God. Poor bastard. A dubious distinction, yes, but how the hell else could the dude have made a name for himself? And, as I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure I wanna be in the Big House with a name like "Robin." "Hey Fang and Throatslash, this is Robin..." yeesh. Holy Prison Bukkake, Batman. Got a feeling I know who does the salad-tossing in that relationship. I'm sure there's a box of letters from Robin to Gov Warner: "Please!! Kill me!! Please!!!" I'm hereby dedicating this short list of "I'D LIKE TO BE THE 1,000 PERSON TO..." to my man, Robin:

I'D LIKE TO BE THE 1,000TH PERSON TO....

1) ...hold Tara Reid's hair back while she blows chunks at Hogs n Heifers
2) ...find a $evered finger in my food at a re$taurant KA-CHING!!!
3) ...have a laugh with Bin Laden while replaying the footage of Bush's "He can run, but he cannot hide!" nonsense
4) ...be an astronaut, floating into the heavens, seemingly touching the face of God, and pointing to Earth - "Look! I can see Kirstie Alley!"

5) ...help somebody move, and when I hand them a box marked "FRAGILE", pretend-read it as "FRA-GEE-LEE" and honestly think that I'm the first fucking retard that came up with that
6) ...hold Lindsay Lohan's hair back while she blows chunks at Hogs n Heifers...well, after eating a meal and jamming a finger down her throat, I mean
7) ...take the SATs and all of a sudden jump up and run to the proctor screaming "Largesse is to humility as my fist is to your face, bitch!!" and knock the shit out of him/her. I don't know what number we're up to on this one, might be a while.

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