How funny is that XMASTIME post?
8.5 / 10 funny
(Which is high for a single-joke premise stretched to blog length.)
Why it works
1. It nails the form perfectly The joke isn’t “Kitchen Nightmares is bad,” it’s
Kitchen Nightmares is a rigid ritual pretending to be chaos.
That’s smart. The humor comes from pattern recognition, not punchlines. Once you realize every American episode follows the same emotional beats, the post feels like someone finally said the quiet part out loud.
2. The voice is deadpan, not try-hard It never winks at the reader. It just calmly states the inevitability of events, which makes it funnier than exaggeration would.
This line of humor:
* “This will happen.”
* “Then this will happen.”
* “The owner will say this exact thing.”
That’s classic observational comedy structure — closer to early Seinfeld / Onion / McSweeney’s than internet snark.
3. It’s ruthless without being cruel The targets are:
* Reality-TV formula
* Editing tricks
* Manufactured outrage
Not individual restaurant owners. That keeps it sharp instead of mean.
4. It ages extremely well A key sign of quality satire: You could post it today and nothing would need updating.
If anything, it’s more accurate now that the format has been copied to death.
Why it’s not a 10/10
Single joke, no escalation. It never surprises you after the midpoint — it just continues to be correct.
That’s not a flaw, exactly, but it caps the ceiling. It’s a perfect execution of one idea, not a layered piece.
The real compliment
The best satire makes you unable to watch the thing the same way again.
After reading that post:
* You can’t not see the beats.
* Every American episode becomes a checklist.
* Gordon Ramsay becomes a scripted character rather than a human.
That’s the highest form of comedy criticism.
Final verdict
It’s smart, clean, evergreen satire — not laugh-out-loud every line, but deeply satisfying in the way great observational humor is.
If you want, I can:
* Rewrite it for another show (Bar Rescue, Pawn Stars, Love Is Blind, etc.)
* Tighten it into a perfect 10/10 version
* Or explain why the UK Kitchen Nightmares escapes this joke entirely
Just say the word.
Saturday, January 03, 2026
ChatGPT on Xmastime
I've been on an old school run of the original UK Kitchen Nightmares & on a whim I asked my bff ChatGPT if my classic 2008 post about how much the American version of the show sucks is funny af, and here's its very correct conclusion:
Friday, January 02, 2026
Movie Questions. I Have Them.
Last night was my first time watching When Harry Met Sally in forever & while I must say it's actually a little better than I remembered, how is it that nobody's talking about what a fucking nightmare Bridezilla she would be starting on January 2nd; THAT'S a fucking sequel I'd pay to watch. 🤔🤷♂️
Since Nobody Asked du Jour
Here's the number of posts I've had for each of the 20 years doing Xmastime.
2009: 4,262
2010: 4,251
2024: 4,090
2011: 3,790
2023: 3,350
2025: 2,856
2012: 2,549
2022: 2,522
2021: 1,873
2013: 1,574
2020: 1,164
2014: 1,113
2015: 990
2007: 752
2016: 708
2017: 614
2019: 437
2018: 309
2006: 111
2005: 39
Thursday, January 01, 2026
XMASTIME: The Year in Film
Every video I made this past year for Xmastime, all in one place. YOU'RE WELCOME, EARTH!
Wednesday, December 31, 2025
The Shake Shack Big Mac
To say goodbye to 2025 I tried the new Shake Shack version of the Big Mac. 😲😲😲
A Year at Wegmans! (Kind of)
I don’t really know why I started in the first place but for some reason earlier this year I began compiling any photos/videos my phone accidentally took while I was walking around the Wegmans beneath me.
NOTE: I sped it up to make it easier for you people YOU’RE WELCOME but I was pretty chuffed to see that in the end all the clips added up to exactly SEVEN minutes even.
Xmastime Say
"If you're hanging out with 4 women then don't worry about missing any of the conversation since every single word will be repeated at least once." - XMASTIME
Tuesday, December 30, 2025
Life and How to Live It
If you ever find yourself wondering how you can possibly attain #1 FUNCLE status like me then the first thing I'd suggest would be jumping on any car singalong opportunity to loudly switch a song lyric from anything that rhymes with “fart” to “fart”.
Actor Questions. I Have Them.
Based on how back in 1999 you would have expected Vince Vaughn's career to go, is it reasonable to suggest that his career has played out exactly like Coach Parseghian's devastating take-down in Rudy? 🤔🤷♂️
"Joe Strummer" Song Face-Off
Yeah sorry but Hayday crushes this one (not a surprise when the opposition put out as shitty a version of Sweet Jane as they could possibly cook up yawn zzzzzzz).
WANT LIVE? YOU GOT IIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!!!
Album Surprises
Surrender from U2’s classic War is on my "That One Song On an Album I've Known & Loved All My Life That I've Never Really Noticed Somehow, For Some Reason, None Of Which Really Make Any Sense" list; this catchy hook here has been spinning around in my skull for 2 weeks now.
Current Events
I'm not an economist so I don't know if this is good or bad but right now the hot dog/soda combo at Costco is $1.50 as fuck, so 🤷♂️.
So Close to Halloween Hallmark Genius
I was slightly surprised/amused recently to ask how is it possible that they haven't come out with a Halloween version of Hallmark Christmas Movies - just set up a factory and start churning out that sweet, sweet formula they've spent decades perfecting now & start cashing fat stacks of cash.
Then I worked the formula's scenario through my mind - NYC executive with no time for Halloween in her life gets sent by her huge, evil corporation to some tiny town to take over some small local business that's been run by the same family for 200 years in a building that according to local legend is haunted and after the town's heroic efforts to scare her away from destroying the beloved business she falls in love with Halloween and stays in the town forever while vowing to never let the beloved business fall into evil, corporate hands - and I realize oh yeah I guess they already did that. 😡
The State of Standup Comedy Specials Today
At some point I will drop my "was Dave Chappelle ever ACTUALLY a great standup comedian" thought bomb on you people & then patiently wait for you to catch up sometime soon but until then I will comment that the number of comedy specials being pumped out at such an absurd rate has led to a proliferation of watered-down, unneeded or asked for & curiously unfunny "specials" that have taken the art from "here's the 12 funniest things I mastered in the last 3 years" to "this is what's happening to me at this exact moment right now"; this is the crest of a wave taking standup comedy fans on a beyond-dull ride from the soaring majesty of A Day in the Life to the "who asked for this?" dullness of a day in the life.
A Day in the Life
A young friend of mine was lamenting a very white associate who was insisting she could claim herself to be black because her mother came from South Africa so my advice was "have her throw the n-word out in public & let's see how it goes" and that seemed to be an agreeable end to the discussion.
Monday, December 29, 2025
Finally!
When I first discovered the Minneapolis bands I still love so much 40 years later, almost every article I could get my grubby paws on (which back in the Dark Ages of the 1980s was probably a total of three articles) mentioned the mysterious & legendary Twin-Tone compilation album Big Hits of Mid-America Volume III, of which they seemed to have pressed 10 copies, none of which made it outside of Minnesota, and which had been seen as a sort of North Star for an entire generation of Amerindie rockers:
In 1979, Twin/Tone…documented Minneapolis’ underground music scene of the late 1970s. None were hits. Still, a number of the acts on volume three went on to record their own albums, something few of their ‘60s “Big Hits” counterparts managed. And a few are still active. Curtiss A is recording his third Twin/Tone LP. The Suburbs released their fifth album, and first on A&M Records in May. NNB’s Dick Champ now plays lead guitar in the Scene Is Now. Fingerprints’ guitarist Jeff Waryan leads Figures while bassist Steve Fjelstad engineers many Twin Cities releases. Suicide Commando Chris Osgood is Twin/Tone’s in -house producer and distribution czar.
Chris Osgood is the Godfather of the Scene who gave such luminaries as Bob Mould and Dave Pirner guitar lessons and now, after a few abortive attempts over the decades to track one down, it finally popped up on Amazon and so clickity-clack here it is!! 🤗🕺
Wannabe THE ONION Headline du Jour
Darren Agrees to Move Out of Bushwick after Getting Busted Using Shazam During an LCD Soundsystem Song
Sunday, December 28, 2025
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
I'd be able to take the "Die Hard is a Christmas movie!" argument a little more serously if it didn't take place in the most non-Christmassy city in America.
Questions. I Have Them.
Is If I Should Fall from Grace with God the single greatest example of one song perfectly encapsulating everything about a band?
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