Saturday, November 08, 2008

November's Interview: COUNT JACKULA

Here's Count Jackula working his minions up into a lather before a nighttime cruising, looking for blood.

The Count loads up on carbs before all that blood-sucking. "Causing famine and destruction is a quick energy thing," he explains.

XMAS: Count, thanks so much for sitting down with me today.
COUNT JACKULA: Gooot EEEEEEVAHn- (starts choking on cookie, regains composure) ah jeez-
XMAS: ohmygod, are you okay?
COUNT JACKULA: WHO THE F*&%%$#! put raisins in my cookie??!?!
XMAS: you know, you seem a tad young to be a Count
COUNT JACKULA: yeah? well you that a sandwich?
XMAS: wha?
COUNT JACKULA: in your pocket...did I see a sandwich in your pocket?
XMAS: why would I have a sandwich in my pocket?
COUNT JACKULA: you've never heard of hot pockets? hiyoooooooo!!! hey, I keed, I keed!....but seriously, I'm an undead beast that should be feared.
XMAS: obviously
COUNT JACKULA: hey, did you know Brazillian vampires are thought to have furry feet?
XMAS: no, I didn't know that
COUNT JACKULA: not my kind of Brazillian, know what I mean Xmas? hahahaha! hey relax, I keed, I keed, relax...lighten up!
XMAS: I'm trying to, I just-
COUNT JACKULA: I mean what am I doing here, desperately clawing at the top of my coffin with my thickened, elongated fingernails? Hey, is this thing on? Hahahahaa!...but seriously, I can possess the malevolent spirit of any corpse I want, so if I was you I'd be pretty frightened.
XMAS: Hmm.
COUNT JACKULA: And I can squat 450lbs.
XMAS: what's a myth about...your kind...that bothers you?
COUNT JACKULA: The "we're scared of garlic" nonsense. I, for one, love garlic - a nice chicken adobo, with some soy sauce and maybe sliced almonds, who doesn't love that? You know what DOES scare me?
XMAS: What?
COUNT JACKULA: People who put garlic in mashed potatoes. Ugh
XMAS: Yes!
COUNT JACKULA: And also vrykolakas, which just by the sound of it should be scaring the hell out of you right now.
XMAS: It is. I guess it's time for me to go now.
COUNT JACKULA: Oh too bad, I was going to show you how I turn into a bat.
XMAS: Really??
COUNT JACKULA: No. What am I, on Jack Benny here? But before you leave if you could reach up into the freezer for me, I've got a case of taquitos that've been burning a hole in my mind for the last hour.
XMAS: Count, it's been a pleasure. Thank you.
COUNT JACKULA: That's VON taquito! TWO taquito! THR- (choking on red velvet cupcake) ah, godd^&^!%$!%$!it!!!

The Count with his undead, evil blood-sucking crew. Hmm. Frightening. Nyuk nyuk nyuk, indeed.

The Count: "I need a new call these dudes porphyriac? Maybe if we were making cupcakes for kittens instead of sucking the life out of the living..."

When the conversation turns from increasing the size of their undead army by inhabiting corpses and sucking blood of hapless victims to how much Lil Bat likes his new boots, The Count knows it's time to call it a night and wonders if Palace Fried Chicken is still open.

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