Here's Me with the Script from Every Episode of TWO AND A HALF MEN From What I've Picked Up Despite Never Actually Watching an Episode

INTERIOR: Living room. Mid-afternoon. Standing there are Alan, Jake and Berta.

[A middle-aged man in a $5,000 suit suddenly walks through the front door into the room with a stunningly beautiful young woman] 

MAN: Everybody, this is my wife Claire

[CLAIRE waves, everybody else waves. In walks CHARLIE SHEEN and hoo boy you’re not gonna believe it but it turns out CHARLIE SHEEN has slept with CLAIRE and so HERE COME THE LAUGHS, everybody!]
 

THE END

Oh Wow Someone Took One of My Photos and Made a Painting of It! I'm So Humbled! 🤗

Current Status

I was all excited to blather away to you people about my THE JOHN SULLIVAN XMASTIME FILM FESTIVAL BY XMASTIME but since Only Fools and Horses is the only of the four series currently streaming and the episode I selected (To Hull and Back) happened to be one of the two episodes (The Miracle of Peckham) that for some reason are NOT streaming so I would have to watch it on DVD so spoiler alert the THE JOHN SULLIVAN XMASTIME FILM FESTIVAL BY XMASTIME has been postponed until further notice.

Moi Say Moi

People who celebrate the absolute obliteration of our long history of career bureaucrats at every level of government who've always done the actual grinding work that’s absolutely necessary for any functioning government to exist much less function need to watch this scene from Mad Men to remember oh yeah if someone hadn’t thought to call up Joan their entire venture would’ve lasted about 10 fucking minutes, if that.

XMASTIME, Advertising Auteur Genius! Ad +2

 TODAY'S CLIENT: M-----r (client asked their name not be searchable, on this blog, ever)

This is M----_r's SECOND ad for XMASTIME, Advertising Auteur Genius! 🤗🕺🤣

Meanwhile, On Today's Episode of "Do You Know What ICE Is, Kids?"

The Longest, Most Destructive Game of Telephone ever

Republicans think everything they hear that they don’t like is “fake news!!” meant to be dismissed immediately but then wanna base everything we believe in as a nation on something somebody said that somebody may have heard somebody say decades earlier about something or somebody around 2,000 years ago. 🧐🤔🤷‍♂️

Things I Think

I think it’s kind of funny that in 1861 poor white Southerners by the millions went to war so that plantation labor could continue to be monopolized by slaves and the same people in 2026 think that if we just got rid of all the brown people then poor white people would pick strawberries 12 hours a day. 🤔🤷‍♂️

Current Events

Republicans are apparently using last weekend's attempted shooting at The White House Correspondent's Dinner to give Trump $1B for better security for his ballroom, so...it’s thoughts & prayers for school shootings, $1B golden dollhouses for Trump. Got it.

The Best Billionaire?

I'm assuming I'm not the only person for whom Craigslist is one of my earliest memories of a more truly connected internet; "Craig" was always a mystery but all these years later we finally hear from the great man via an op-ed he wrote in The New York Times - or, as I call it, "The Times" and I'm not gonna bother pulling an excerpt since I agree 100% with every word he says, and I hope it's how I would act/think should I find myself accidentally falling into billions of dollars as Craig from Craigslist claims he did. 

AN XMASTIME PRAYER CARD, by Xmastime 😔🙏

Good News, the Obits are Finally Catching Up to Xmastime After Only 20 Years

Apparently there's a rising trend in people having fun with obituaries via brutal honesty:

Susan Soper believes the shift from traditional obituaries began after The New York Times began publishing “pithy, poignant, very quirky, funny or heartbreaking obits for the victims of the towers and planes” after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. 

“Since then, many papers have realized the value of telling stories full of other news besides family, education, service, careers, memberships, etc.,” Ms. Soper said. “Now they include personality, disposition, habits, travels, food — eating and cooking — even politics.” 

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "didn't you pull this same sweet little thing out of the Universe all the way back 2006?"

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did:

8) Why can’t people have fun with obituaries? Instead of the standard beloved and cherished bullshit, have some fun. “Reggie Durham died Wednesday…survived by wife and 2 kids…who have really turned out to be losers…devout member of First Baptist Church…owes me $114...strong figure in community…never learned to read or write…loyal husband of 33 years…Best. Flapjacks. Ever.” see? Wouldn’t that be great? Hey, they’re dead, they won’t care.

TFW You've Finally Found Your Squad 🤗🕺🎸

“WHAT IT’S LIKE WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME”

PREVIOUS HILARIOUS WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME POSTS HERE

It's Saturday Night Love!

Besides my obviously being totally in love with her since the first moment I saw her on The White Lotus, Aimee Lou Wood was flat-out fantastic hosting the UK Saturday Night Live this weekend. 🤗🇬🇧❤️

Weather Report

I am a man of hyperbole so I make no apologies for making the claim that today both in look and feel is the latest day into Spring that I can think of that reminds me so much of the Fall.

XMASTIME 20 Years Ago Today

From Things are Good, Part XV: 

8) For some reason I always catch myself being surprised at how dogs just aren’t interested in the same things we are. For instance I was dog-sitting last night and I happened to drop $40 on the floor (that’s right ladies, Xmastime is flush right now!!!) and for a split second I thought oh shit! I’d better grab it before he does!! But of course he just blankly looked at it and walked away. I thought wow, that’s funny, he could care less about money. But then again, I’m not into eating other dogs’ shit, so I guess we’re even.

Vivá Limón!

As president of the Ada Limón fan club, I'm happy to mention that I opened up my The New York Times - or, as I call it, "The Times" - Book Review section this Sunday and BLAMMO!! 🤗🕺

 

Xmastime on Tariffs

For months & months now Trump has repeatedly stomped his feet & demanded we believe him when he tells us that tariffs are the greatest thing since sliced bread (BREAKING: Trump just slapped a 90000% tariff on sliced bread) and the thing I don’t understand is here's a guy who can snap his fingers and have any group of the world's greatest economists scramble to make his case for him, and yet none of this has happened so far.

Advice for Young People. I Have It.

I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: if you want somebody to agree with you about anything, the quicker you can find an opportunity to work an "I mean hey, you know this better than me" into the conversation, the quicker they'll find themselves wanting to agree with you.

PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE