Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

"The puddle that made no footprints was ice the whole time. 😔" - Xmastiime

Today with Punch!

Now that we know he's okay and happy we can all breathe a sigh of relief and have a laugh, and this ridiculous video made by some genius out there is EXACTLY what the internet was made for. 🤗🕺

View on Threads

Somewhat Different du Jour

HOW THE UNITED KINGDOM IS DEALING WITH ONE OF THEIR OWN BEING IN THE EPSTEIN FILES: "We are throwing him out of the Royal family he was born into."
HOW THE UNITED STATES IS DEALING WITH ONE OF THEIR OWN BEING IN THE EPSTEIN FILES: "Can we choose him to be our president for a third time?

🤷‍♂️

Xmas Your Enthusiasm Season 5 Announcement

Hope(less) du Jour

I agree 100% with this; the problem unfortunately is that returning to empathy/kindness etc is pretty much impossible since stoking phantom fears has become monetized beyond anyone’s wildest dreams, and we know what direction that always goes.

I hope I’m wrong - I usually am - and if it’s this goddam monkey who somehow makes it happen then that’s just the adorable fucking cherry on top. 🤗🕺

WE ❤️ PUNCH!!

I Love This Show!!!! buuuuuuuuuut....

...the ironic tragedy of the could-be-amazing-but-stuffs-itself-with-too-much-unnecessary-bullshit The Food That Built America series is that they WAAAAAY over index on how much they think we care about drama for drama's sake and WAAAAAY under index on how much they think we actually care about the more mundane, inside baseball business mechanics of how these food empires were built, which is odd since they know we're sitting there watching a tv show about the business of food and they also know that if I wanna watch fainting couches & flipping tables there's a gazillion other shows for me to spin the dial & land on; IN OTHER WORDS: much more original UK Kitchen Nightmares, much less US version of Kitchen Nightmares (if at all!). 

New Xmastime Series!

I'm Tired of Writing This Shit Out for You People So I'm Gonna Take One Shot at It with SIRI & Just Copy/Paste Whatever the Hell I Blurt Out As Is

When people talk about Trump running the world like a mob boss either they don't understand what the mob is or I don't but him doing this thing where oh sorry countries you're on your own is the opposite of what say Tony soprano would do Tony soprano in any good my boss knows to keep the smaller weaker countries needing him always needing to give you know a kick up a little bit and he's gonna keep them protected and say keep stable now what happens when he tells the little guys you know what fuck you you're on your own they call us together cause that's how they get power and then they go after Tony soprano and in this case the US is Tony Sopranos so people think they're complementing him like they do his mug shot or whatever but it's actually just showing both when an idiot Trump is and an idiot these supporters are

Well Hello Ladies...

Sidewalk Anxiety Math

Me having a penchant for walking quickly + the person walking waaaaaaay in front of me having a penchant for walking slooooooowly / the distance between us measured in feet = the distance between us shrinking at the precise rate such that I’m trapped between knowing there’s no hope of passing them without looking like a total psycho and not being able to shake the feeling that I’m stalk-creeping them like the Dread Pirate Roberts.

Xmastime Does the Unthinkable: Considers Himself Capable of Ranking Movies About FINANCE

Margin Call > The Big Short

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime

Having lived in an apartment building with a front desk staff for a coupla years now, I'm thrilled to announce that the front desk lobby acquaintance is the absolute best kind of friendship, all surface level "how you doing?"s & faux-meaningful nods as you hurry by. And since you see them over & over every day you really do feel like you're somewhat invested in each other's lives - I often fantasize about just happening to be walking by when someone is insulting them so I can jump to their defense - but without any real connection or intimacy and while putting in absolutely zero amount of work.

Xmastime Venn Diagram

Back When I Was Funny.

Thoughts on THE OFFICE. I Have Them.

It's very out of character that Angela, who's obviously attracted to authoritarianism type of strength in men both sexually and morally, could ever see Dwight as a real man to subjugate herself to after he got his ass kicked by Michael in the episode The Fight.

One More Note on Punch the Monkey:

"The closest thing he had to loved ones were the zookeepers who look after him, and a stuffed animal from IKEA."

If IKEA doesn't immediately ca$$$$$$h in on this by selling about a gazillion more of these stuffed monkeys with a little help from Punch then I really don't know what to tell them. 🤷‍♂️💰

 

❤️ Punch

😡😡😡😡 A coupla days ago I shook with rage & tears in my eyes when I saw what they were doing to Punch the monkey; I honestly didn't think I'd be able to go to sleep that night before finding out to my & everybody else's great relief that he's gonna be just fine after all: 🤗

Punch, a 7-month-old macaque monkey, had no friends.

His mother abandoned him. He wasn’t quite fitting in with the other monkeys at Ichikawa City Zoo, outside Tokyo. The closest thing he had to loved ones were the zookeepers who look after him, and a stuffed animal from IKEA.

But a series of widely shared posts showing his predicament — including a hashtag started by the zoo, #HangInTherePunch — have put Punch in the global spotlight and made him somewhat of an internet celebrity.

Legions of fans from around the world have been cheering Punch on, welcoming him as a bright spot during intense current events. There’s little question as to why: Punch is adorable. And there are signs he has started to gain confidence with the other monkeys.

I'm also only barely joking when I say I can't remember the last time the entire country seemed to rally together over something. 🤗🕺

And let me tell you something, ladies: if your man doesn’t get choked up about Punch the monkey then you need to leave him. 

WE LOVE YOU PUNCH!! 

Meanwhile...

...the UK is holding a member of the Royal family accountable for his Epstein ties & yet here in America we’re gearing up for a debate on whether or not the guy who’s mentioned 38K times in the Epstein files who’s on record bragging about grabbing women by the pussy can break from the Constitution and try to be president for a third time.

In America

It’s interesting that we’ve basically ended American democracy and welcomed the American Hitler because a group of people had their feelings hurt that “the elites” weren’t paying enough attention to them when that same group has spent decades loudly & indignantly espousing a doctrine of fuck your feelings & pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.

Thoughts on THE OFFICE. I Have Them.

It's interesting that they never really played on the fact that Rainn Wilson is almost 14 years older than John Krasinksi; while I think we’re KIND OF supposed to assume Dwight's a little older than Jim, and they may even reference it once or twice, at no point are we led to believe they’re almost entirely different generations and throughout Jim's 9,000 pranks on Dwight, none of them have any taste of “Millennial(ish) vs. Boomer(ish)” as we all think of the two of them as being around the same age. I’m not saying this makes the show any better or worse, but it is interesting they avoided the whole age thing for 9 years.

Xmastime Sniffs Out the Bullshit So You Don't Have To

I've recently noticed I can't go more than a few hours without seeing a Threads post about a school cafeteria worker picking up on a poor kid's hunger & of course saving the day to much solemn manic self-congratulation and while I know it's supposed to tickle the heartstrings, there's just way too many of them & they're all the exact same not only in detail but in tone; either way, what I'm really wondering is if "I work the lunch line in a middle school cafeteria..." has somehow become the new "Being from a tiny Midwestern town I never thought I'd write Penthouse but..."
😉 😜🤣