Xmastime Films

LOOK AT ALL THAT GRAVY

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Xmastime Films

IT'S GONZAGA!

Watch Previous Xmastime Films Here

Promises. I Make Them.

As president I'll be nice to all the billionaires IF they can pay & convince Jordan & Barkley to do a nightly poker game live on TV; I don't even care who the other players are, let's just get the shit-talking started with these two old friends coming back to each other after decades of a beyond-stupid feud and see how President Xmastime has united the country without it even noticing.

You're pre-welcome, everybody! 

OTHER XMASTIME PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN PROMISES (so far) 

• All adults will be able to order off the kids menu at restaurants
• Anybody who brags about how they ONLY will make popcorn the old-fashioned way on their stove top goes directly to jail.
• Life in prison for anyone who gives Joe Walsh a free pass for associating himself with the shittiest/most boring band of all time The Eagles
• I promise to make it illegal for Amazon to sell books that have passed into public domain & can be printed out by any shithead with a printer without making it clear on their site
• I will force McDonalds to get rid of its McRib nonsense
• No more blowing your nose in front of other people
• It will only be legal to run a goddam leaf blower on Saturdays between 8:00am-8:59am. No exceptions.
• Michael Jordan & Charles Barkley have to be best friends again
• Every tv show has to do a dinner murder mystery bottle episode
• Serving sizes will make sense to human beings who don't get paid to be food serving size scientists; for instance, one serving of potato wedges would be "one potato wedge" & not some wildly unhelpful "3 oz" bullshit.
• I will make the Dancing in the Dark video disappear form the internet forever. We've all suffered enough, none more than Bruce himself.

"There's People We Have to Reach Back For"

Hats off to Kevin fucking Costner, everybody. 👏🙌🥲❤️ 

Brilliant du Jour

Dreams. I Have Them.

Everybody's wringing their hands re: "what if Trump is president while in jail?" but nobody seems to find it remarkable that apparently if you're a convicted felon you can run for president and BE the president, but you cannot VOTE for a president. - XMASTIME, 2023

Obviously there's nothing Trump could possibly do to make his people not worship him but Democrats should at least start kicking the stall re: if the above it true then why don’t we either make it illegal for a felon to be president or make it legal for felons to vote for president just to see Republicans soil themselves at the prospect of even one more black person being allowed to vote, the only scenario they could possibly be confronted with that could scare them as much as getting a mean girl tweet from you know who.

Efuckingnough

I've bitched about the Boomers, the shittiest generation in human history, for just about the entire time I've had this blog & this absolute piece of shit shithead responding to a kid like this is just another example of the myriad reasons we need to fucking get these fucking ancient motherfuckers THE FUCK OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY.

Absolutely nothing of any of substance is going to improve as a collective for any generation in this country until the dust from these fucking assholes has long blown over the graveyard and, since everybody else has had to stand around on the sidelines twiddling their thumbs without getting any real experience, probably longer than that.

Sometimes All You Need is All You Need

HOLY CRAP! The Beatles du Jour

Like a gazillion other Beatles fans from around the world I got to take a picture of 3 Savile Row from the street & never once dreamed of ever getting an inside peak, but now they're turning the building into an entire experience based around their iconic & final performance on the rooftop:

3 Savile Row is one of the most iconic buildings in British pop and rock: the former home of the Beatles’ record label Apple Corps, and the location of the band’s final public performance when they took to its rooftop in 1969.  

Apple Corps has now re-acquired the building in Mayfair, central London, and plans to open it to the public as a new tourist attraction in 2027.  

Across seven floors, The Beatles at 3 Savile Row will showcase items from the Apple Corps archives and host temporary exhibitions and a shop. The biggest attractions, however, will be a recreation of the studio where the band recorded their last album, Let It Be, and access to the rooftop where that poignant final concert was performed.

While I’m shrieking with joy how much I wanna go there the second it’s open I'm also wondering wait what took so long?

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "didn't you rather hilariously live-blog the entire Get Back documentary when it premiered?"

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did - and you can start with PART ONE HERE YOU'RE WELCOME!!! 

Here's my incredible pics from 2015. 

BREAKING: Xi Providing Military Equipment to Iran

We Love You Pete Buck! 😜

I've banged on about this a million times over the years on Xmastime (NOTE: you are reading Xmastime):

How the fuck awful of a singer can Peter Buck possibly be? I mean, I can understand R.E.M. not letting him sing, but a fun supergroup of his buddies in which he plays bass and they sing songs about baseball, and even THEN they don't even put a mic on his side of the stage?

Meanwhile, here he is not only playing a cover of Drivin n Cryin's classic Straight to Hell with Mike Mills & Kevin Kinney, but it's a song every fucking sorority sister has drunkenly shouted along to at every frat party since 1989 and THEY STILL WON'T LET THIS MOTHERFUCKER NEAR A MICROPHONE!!! 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣

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Questions. I Have Them.

Why isn’t the Civil War called “The War Between the Poor White Guys Who Wanted to Save a Labor Market in Which They Competed Against Guys Getting Paid a $0 Per Year Salary and the North”?

Problematic Word Choices, with Xmastime!

Knowing that the guy who posted this is one of the guys in the YouTube video doesn't make it any less "YIKES". 😬😬😬😬

 

Moi Say Moi

When someone says “(insert artist's name) needs to be a united not a divider” what they mean is “(insert artist's name) needs to think & say exactly what I think & say.”

You Know What...

...I have no idea if this is true or not but it's almost worth hearing it be announced on the news just to hear Republicans immediately start bitching "...you know the government’s gonna take half straight way right?..." 🤣🤣🤣🤣 

Oh FFS du Jour

Wow if this is the statement that finally made you realize Trump doesn't give a shit about you then by all means please let me refer you to every single thing he's ever thought, said or done since the minute he was born.

Happy Mother's Day

My mother loved Kenny on The Cosby Show. Every time that kid opened his mouth, she'd totally crack up. XMASTIME

In America.

The best part of Trump's $10B grift will be watching to see if it's even possible to elect a president too stupid to orchestrate their own private stuff being "leaked!" so they can stick out their fucking paws & we happily give them billions of dollars. Awesome.

Oh No What Will Republicans Do for Their Family Christmas Cards This Year??? 😲

State du Moi

Spent the day at the office repeatedly informing everybody I saw that I hadn't realized the top button of my shirt was missing until I'd gotten to the office & that's why I looked like a just-retired porn star all goddam day.