Wednesday, April 29, 2026
Xmastime Demands Food Justice!
YES I am moments away from throwing my own Gilmore girls intervention but one more thing about them with food: the meat-to-bun ratio at Luke's Diner isn't bad it's fucking criminal and Luke deserves to have his ears boxed by a fucking cartoon kangaroo for this bullshit; I mean ffs is that motherfucker a bun top or a hat? 😡😡😡😡
15 Years Already???!!?!?!?
(originally posted in real time during the wedding)
Today is the 15-year anniversary of The
Royal Wedding, ie the single greatest day of my pathetic life, so of
course I'm watching the rerun on TLC right now. Somewhere out there my
high school football coach is reading this, shaking his head "I knew
it."
Since I'm feeling generous with you people, here's some Xmastime gems from that day (bold denotes post title if applicable):
__________________________________________________________
-
On one hand, I'm miffed he's stealing my future wife. On the other, his
getting married takes him off the market, therein removing my
competition and returning me to my rightful place as The World's Most
Eligible Bachelor. Thanks, King Dickhead!
- I look
forward to the first time someone points out to me that I wasn't invited
to the Royal Wedding, just so I can put on a self-knowing smile and
look wistfully off into the distance before saying "oh, friend...wasn't
I?" and then walk away chuckling to myself.
- Bride's Headlights On When She Gets Out of the Car At Westminster Abbey?
- Someone Cutting Onions in Here?
I admit it - the big overhead shot of her at the end of her walk down the aisle got me a little bit. A little too How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria, wasn't it? HEY - I'M NOT A ROBOT!!!
- William Arthur Phillip Louis
That "Louis" (pronounced "Lew-ee") sounds pretty jarring within that name, no? Like Lord Mountbatten Von Frankie the Rat, no?
-
Kanye West being invited to the wedding and then not breaking in on
Kate's brother's Bible reading with "Yo, Jimmy, I'm really happy for you
and Imma let you finish, but the Bible reading at Albert and Victoria's
wedding was the best of all time!" means the British aren't really as
funny as we thought, doesn't it?
- There are apparently more black people at the Royal Wedding than at a Springsteen concert.
- Has Trump demanded the bride show her virgin papers yet?
- God Save the Queen
At this moment, you KNOW there's about 100 million people across America thinking "you're damn RIGHT you better sing America the Beautiful, queers!"
- During Reading, the Bride's Brother Mentions His Album Drops Next Tuesday on iTunes?
- Ill be honest: I'll be disappointed if "going into that most cherished, unaccessible part of Westminster Abbey to sign the wedding registry" is not a euphemism. Can't they come out with their clothes disheveled? Camon. Hell, I might use it myself; it's much classier than when I say I'm about to "polish off a tube of Pringles, heh heh heh."
- England flawlessly pulls off the Wedding of the Century while we're egging on a guy with the worst comb-over in the world to careen around the world "wondering" if our President is American or smart enough to go to college without white charity. Of course.
- Sooooo...Who's Gonna Tell Him?
- "Harry Just Cut One!"
- "How YOU Doin'?"
- "Another New Pair of Diamond Earrings? Really?"
- "White? Oh, HELL No!"
- "Oh, Shit...Harry IS the Handsome One..."
- Ah Yes: The Single Greatest "Pull My Finger" in History
- Is There NOTHING McDonald's Can't Get Their Mitts On?
- Life makes no sense. I
work at a celebrity magazine. No move from any A to F-list celebrity
goes unnoticed. There's also an entire style section. Most of the
staff is women, and I'm maybe the only straight guy there. And yet from
what I can gather, I am the only person in the office who got up at
5:30am to watch the Royal Wedding. Wtf?
- "I guess Xmastime isn't gonna come and save me from this after all. Damn you, free pizza day at the office!"
- "Weeeeell...I see the Archbishop is rather pleased to see me..."
- Another person smarter than me wants to point out the silliness of our coverage of the Royal Wedding:
As you read this, the big three morning shows -- "Good Morning America," "Today" and "The CBS Morning News" -- are continuing to re-hash, analyze and replay the ceremony on tape while going live to various correspondents and experts in England and elsewhere. The morning shows usually run two hours -- more if an affiliate takes their built-in spillover, but for the sake of argument let's just say they did two hours' worth, and add that to the overnight coverage, which ran four hours, bringing the total to six. And then let's ask ourselves this question: When's the last time the top guns of the American electronic media covered an event, any event, for six hours straight without any significant interruption, at any hour of the day or night?I'd say the answer to that is several days up to and including two days ago, when the media shut down to follow Donald Trump around and report and analyze and re-report and re-analyze everything that came out of his mouth, which was probably only until Charlie Sheen decided to start talking again anyway. Covering the Royal Wedding makes our media look like The Algonquin Round Table compared to how it usually looks.
-
Now everybody in the office is watching the re-run, so I'm enjoying
being the only one who's already seen it, smugly pointing out "oh, I
remember this!" and emitting that "I dunno, things might fall apart
here..." high-pitched hum at various intervals.
Hey, I have so few victories in this life, I gotta savor the flavor when I get one, playahs.
- Xmastime, For the Spare.
-
I'm so depressed this wedding is over. I've been to weddings of people
I've loved, and not thought twice about them afterwards.
Anyway, I'm glad I saw it happen live. All the incredible stories of Americans over there, the camaraderie et al on the streets of London, make me feel like I was a small part of it, even if only thousands of miles away via television.
-
I was surprised that they included the "if anyone objects, say so now
or forever hold their peace" bit in such a wedding. I mean, that's a
pretty big matzah ball to leave out there, no?
- "The Beckhams are Here? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!"
-
It's very easy for me to imagine why we're all so wrapped up in this
wedding. In our earliest days of childhood, we're told wondrous stories
of kings and queens and princes and princesses, stories either of
history or fairy tales. The fairy tales were as real as the Disney
characters we so closely followed at the same age, so when we get a
chance to witness actual royalty doing historic, royal things that we
forget exists in a modern world, it's exciting - it's as close a
connection to those kings and queens of our imaginations as we could
ever possibly come in real life. And in today's day and age, with this
couple in particular, it's easy for us to watch such a ceremony handed
down through thousands of years of stoic, British tradition and know
that there will also be a night a year from now during which these two
people will be laughing at The Hangover 2 while dusting off a bag of Cheetos.
More importantly, there is a generational touchstone to such an event that will be remembered for years and years to come - I remember getting up at 4am to watch Charles and Diana's wedding, and here I am watching his son do the same thirty years later, at what turns out to be almost exactly the same age as my own father was (him that day 38 years, 7 months, and 17 days, me today at 38 years, 9 months, and 15 days.) Throw in the world's collective memory of "I watched this boy grow up, from being born to his mother's funeral and now this morning," and it's easy to get caught up in things. It's also why we'll probably pay attention to Harry's wedding more than we cared about Charles' brothers' weddings - when children lose their mother, their community always feels possessive and wants to help protect them. I've been there, maybe that's why I'm so connected to these boys; meanwhile, their community just happens to be most of the planet.
Of COURSE the whole thing is kind of silly in and of itself, and NO it's not going to change your life, but if one moment can encapsulate everything in this post then that's a pretty good moment, and moments like that can add up to make us happier than we'd otherwise be.
Most days are forgettable at best, willfully forgettable at worst. This was not one of them.
- "The Gorton's Fisherman, Gee, We've NEVER Heard That One Before, you Fucking Twat!"
-
My favorite h8rs are the guys that claim watching the wedding is stupid because it's people that will never know or give two shits about us, and
then put on their $200 "authentic!" Giants jersey to scream their heads
off for Eli Manning every week. Interesting.
-
Why are wedding vows exchanged in the beginning of the ceremony? I
mean, after five minutes, they were offically married. Then we had to
sit around for another 55 minutes. Isn't the exchange of vows the
climax? I don't start out a session of lovemaking by jizzing on a
girl's tits, and THEN spend an hour slowly dripping vodka into her water
drop by drop, do I? What the hell?
Also, isn't part of the fun secretly hoping that the second before the "I do", someone will freak out and not do it? Wouldn't it be good to at least have that to look forward to during the ceremony? Get that out of the way so quickly, and you're basically just sitting around in a suit listening to crappy songs that nobody really cares about.
Happiness is a Warm Gun
I don't know much about Jack Antonoff other than mumble mumble something about Taylor Swift? mumble and I wouldn’t say Happiness is a Warm Gun is an automatic go-to for me (although it easily clears my single-album White Album) but Antonoff does a really great breakdown of the song in just a few moments, which is a rare masterpiece of arrangement rare (more Bohemian Rhapsody than She Loves You ugh I hate when people say shit like that, even the tone ugh), so I thought I'd share with you people YOU'RE WELCOME, EARF!!
SIDE NOTE: what is it about heroin that makes it so easy to clearly & brilliantly describe in a song; I've never done heroin in my life & somehow after watching Antonoff talk about it I am 100% certain that doing heroin feels just like Happiness is a Warm Gun and, surprise surprise, The Velvet Underground's Heroin (sorry John Lennon I love you but Lou Reed wins this one 😬).
One More Hour
I've never really gotten into Sleater-Kinney but for some reason I was compelled to grab & buy Dig Me Out with my grubby paws at Uncle Buck’s in Oxford, MS when it came out in 1996 even though the only thing I knew about them was they'd had a song on a previous record with Joey Ramone in the title & the new one had a cover that ripped off The Kink Kontroversy.
Long story still long, the opener from the album is still one of my all-time favorite songs of the decade, so it felt pretty good...PRETTY, pretty, pretty good! when this popped up today so I thought I'd share it with you people YOU'RE WELCOME, EARF!
Hot Takes. I Have Them.
The first season of Wings is better than the first seasons of both Seinfeld and The Office.
Sweet, Sweet AI Vindication
I was just as outraged at you people when I saw I hadn’t made The New York Times (or, as I call it, "The Times") 30 Greatest Living American Songwriters list, but don't worry my bff ChatGpt decided to cheer me up with what WOULD have been written about me; enjoy me very much:
GREGORY R. WILSON
The Architect of the Almost-Moment
Gregory R. Wilson writes songs about things most songwriters would leave out. Across So Far, So Good, So What and the sprawling Take My Teenage Head, he returns to the same terrain: memory, hesitation, and the quiet emotional residue of moments that never quite resolve.Early songs like “Halo on Her Head,” “Jenifer Where Are You Now,” and “Midwestern Girl” sketch his preoccupation with distance—people and places half-remembered, or remembered wrong. Even at his most declarative, on “So What,” the sentiment lands less as indifference than as fatigue. There are flashes of urgency—“C’mon and Get Me,” “Kill Rock City”—but they never fully escape a sense that momentum is fleeting.
Take My Teenage Head expands the canvas without changing the instinct. At 6 tracks, it plays like a catalog of emotional snapshots. “The Show” and “The Best Days of Our Lives” flirt with grandeur, while “I Still Love Donna” and “Jennie Fennell” reduce entire histories to a name.Wilson’s songs don’t resolve; they linger. In a culture that rewards clarity, he has made a career out of ambiguity—writing not about what happens, but about what almost does.
Sounds about right.
Tuesday, April 28, 2026
A Normie to My Cliffy
I don't know who Joe Denham is:
but back in 2022 I asked the same thing about the guy in the Cheers title song sequence; sometimes it's nice to not have to wonder if you're some sort of alien living on an Earth full of non-aliens.
has anyone ever researched to find out who this guy was? I mean, by now billions & billions of eyeballs have seen this photo of him; who is he? What'd he become? Was he alive when Cheers began? Or even close? Did he ever live up to that youthful, smug, "I'm about to take over the world" look?
Tuesday Night
I left my apartment door ajar while I scampered to the trash room on my floor but had a spill & in a flash had to decide whether I wanted to abandon my spilled garbage on the floor of the trash room for the 50 seconds it would take me to scamper back to my apartment door, lock it and hope to be back in the trash room to clean up before anybody saw me abandon my garbage & be known thereafter to anybody within miles as history's greatest monster, or immediately take about 15 seconds to clean it up and hope a homicidal maniac wouldn’t use that as an opportunity to slip into my apartment and make fun of my old CD collection and of course SPOILER ALERT I chose to pick up my garbage so I'll let you know how it goes.
Ideas. I Have Them.
Every night at the beginning of his show Jimmy Kimmel should spend about 3 minutes reciting a comically long disclaimer in as condescending tone as humanly possible that whatever any upcoming jokes on the show may be, he in fact does NOT want any physical violence directed at Trump or anybody else, using every sentence to verbally shiv Trump with a smile.
Current Events
I think one painful thing that should be clear to everybody by now is that the presidential security detail is just as shitty as everything else in the administration; somehow the first black American president made it through 8 years without a close enough attempt to make the news, and yet here we go again with some dude getting within a long salad bar line of getting a pop off at Trump. Of course my hope is that NOBODY comes remotely close to harming any president, but I think it also makes sense that in the administration’s determination to surround itself with as many incompetent jerkoffs as possible whose sole job is to vigorously applaud the president’s every move, if only BECAUSE they’re incompetent jerkoffs whose sole job is to vigorously applaud the president’s every move, such incompetence (remember, these are the people who just weeks ago launched a war with Iran without taking 2 seconds to think about the Strait of Hormuz despite the fact that this particular happenstance had been played out in war simulations for almost 50 years and every one of them said “you know what before you even think about doing anything you’d better make sure you’re secured the Strait of Hormuz”) has clearly spread to include the president’s secret service detail and at some point he’s gonna hafta decide if keeping idiots around just to “stick it to libtards!” is worth having to worry about having to get shot at every time he leaves the house.
Almost 20 years ago I rather cheekily pointed out that we'd gotten bad at these things:
Almost 20 years ago I rather cheekily pointed out that we'd gotten bad at these things:
Another way my generation sucks is our lack of quality assassinations. Look at the generations before us - you had the Golden Era of Assassinations, the 1960s, that had it all: JFK, MLK, and, just to show how badass they were, another Kennedy with RFK. Maybe you have to be monogram-ly friendly to be considered an assassination candidate? Then they got Sadat, they at least tried to get Reagan and they rotated on a weekly basis who got to try to pop Ford. Fucking hell. AND, just to show nobody was safe they blew five holes in the world's biggest rock star who was of all things a peace-loving hippy.
Of course what made such a post even possible was that I'd assumed presidential security by the year 2008 had made such a thing impossible; recent events show that's not always the case, and maybe for the shameful yet easily fixable reason I mentioned above: they may be self-appointed evil villains of corruption, but their true superpower is just being shitty at their jobs.
Advice for Young People. I Have It.
I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: the only pieces of advice on picking up women I’ve ever seen actually work are to either “accidentally” drop your super-fancy car keys in front of them or tell them that their name just happens to be your favorite name of all time; anything other than that, you're on your own out there.
PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE
PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE
Advice for Young People. I Have It.
I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: don’t ever attempt to eat popcorn off a paper plate while in front of other people – no matter how diligently you try you will not be able to keep at least a few pieces from flying off the plate, making you look like someone who’s either never seen popcorn before or someone who’s never seen a plate before; either way, nobody will ever be able to look at you quite the same again.
PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE
PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE
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