Current Events

Imagine burying your son or daughter because a guy screamed into a tv camera that brown people were eating everybody's pet dogs & cats and 80 million said you know what, that's who should lead the free world.

Brilliant du Jour

I don't know why this guy pops up in my Insta, his stuff is usually zzzzzzzzzzzzzz but this one nails something so perfectly succinct. 🤗

 

Ideas. I Have Them.

As you people already know I LOVE Wegmans pizza; meanwhile, the crust at the end of every slice is amazing in and of itself, it's like finding a warm, fresh & fluffy piece of incredible bread for dessert that somehow DOESN'T make you feel immediately stuffed & gross af (Stuffed & Gross AF was my high school nickname, by the way), so they need to sell their pizza crusts separately - but ONLY if they're torn off of real pizzas!

Garfield du Jour

Oh Oh du Jour

If you wanna feel like you've suddenly hit 100 years old, catch yourself doing "there's a Jackass THREE?" in the Frasier Crane voice. 

"Welcome. I've been expecting you."  

 

I'll Also Say This

Marcello Hernández' Sebastian Maniscalco is the single best Saturday Night Live impression since Jay Pharoah's legendary Denzel back n 2014.

SIDE NOTE: I'm *guessing* the countdown has already begin re: when the real Sebastian's gonna pop up mid-impression; the only question is will it be a surprise to Marcello in the moment, a lá when DeNiro & Pesci surprised the hell outta Jim Bruer. 🤣

 

I'll Say This.

The absolute song to parody when making a ridiculous parody video is in fact Val Halen's shitty Right Now from 1991. 🤮

Trumpistan

It's kind of crazy that we have literally millions of incredibly smart, accomplished, driven people in this country who consider themselves to have an incredible amount of agency over their own lives, partly due to leading the league in despising the very idea of a king for 250 years, and yet when it comes to running the free world & deciding whether or not civilization itself will continue to exist we seem to have a "well, there's nothing we can do now but let this one guy do whatever the hell he wants no matter what 🤷‍♂️" policy.

Solutions. I Have Them.

People say they want billionaires to pay more in taxes but nobody knows how to get them to do it until now, upon my suggestion that we should ask billionaires to make a deal with us: pay 10% of your 💰 in taxes every year and if the circumstances ever arise in which you find yourself bankrupt, you get a one-time refund of that 10%.

PROBLEM SOLVED YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA!! 🇺🇸

A Message to Humans with Cars

STOP 👏 LEAVING 👏 YOUR 👏 FUCKING 👏 HEADLIGHTS 👏 ON 👏 WHEN 👏 YOU’RE 👏 JUST 👏 FUCKING 👏 SITTING 👏 OUTSIDE 👏 FOR 👏 20 👏 FUCKING 👏 MINUTES 👏 AT 👏 A 👏 FUCKING 👏 TIME 😡😡😡😡

BREAKING NEWS: Chickens Mad at Everyone at KFC Except The Colonel.

Questions. I Have Them.

How come when it comes to delusions I can never seem to have any about myself that are good? How do I get to be one of those guys? 🤔🤷‍♂️

FREAKY FREAKY, BABY!

Holy Crap! I finally decided to watch the Ethan Hawke Rodgers/Hammerstein/Hart flick and LOOK AT WHAT THE DATE THE ENTIRE THING IS BASED ON IS!!! AND THEN LOOK AT WHAT TODAY'S DATE IS!! 😲 😮🤯 😮🤯 

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “don't you have another freaky-deaky story just like this?"

Sigh. Yes I do, faithful readers, YES I do:

When I was a kid, the country store down the road sold KISS bubblegum cards, which I’d snatch up anytime I got a quarter. I can still picture myself walking down the road after buying a pack and flipping one of the cards over to read that ABC was airing “KISS and the Phantom of the Park”…ON THAT VERY NIGHT!!! Of course, even at age 7 as I was watching I was like “boy…this is terrible…unwatchable even…what’s Neil Diamond doing here?”

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “don't you have yet ANOTHER freaky-deaky story similar to that one?"

Sigh. Yes I do, faithful readers, YES I do: 

...when I was a kid and was reading A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court and the narrator announced the date, which was the very day I was reading the book (for some reason I think it was June 22...I could be wrong, but that's stuck in my head). 

🏀🐺

Life.

On a crowded Metro car you can go from “none of these mother@#$%ers better sit in the empty seat next to me” to “why don’t any of these mother@#$%ers wanna sit in the empty seat next to me?” pretty quick.

Flip Flop.

America bravely fought in a war against Hitler's Nazi Germany to save the entire world from fascist terror; the year after Hitler died Trump was born and within his lifetime we’ve become the Nazi Germany in the previous scenario. That's how quickly it's happened. Incredible.

After 40 Years of Rockin’ Billy Hicks Sells His Entire Music Catalog to Sony Music for $31

Moi Say Moi

I spend a lot of my time outside wondering if the person walking in my direction is about to knife me to death, but if they have a dog with them the thought never enters my head.

Movie Ideas. I Have Them.

The owner of the Justice League foists his third wife's still-living-at-home son onto the team, annoying the hell out of everybody because apparently his superpower is always being completely @#$%ing useless.

LOOKING FOR INVESTORS!!! 💰💰💰💰

Like Welcome Back Kotter Said, Welcome Back!

Welcome back to a no-doubt-about-it Mount Rushmore member of the all-time great shiteratue Hall of Fame, Bill Simmons' 2009 classic book on basketball. Since lockdown it'd been tucked away in storage & this morning it occurred to me I haven’t been able to enjoy it where it truly belongs in at least 6 years, so it's back baby!!

Congrats, Bill Simmons! AND basketball!

(the funny thing about reading it again after all these years is that it's like watching an episode of The Office now - it's still great & we love it but you're gonna run into another horribly dated race/gender/body joke once about every 30 seconds.)