It's 2026 and we're still doing this shit? 😡😡😡😡
Saturday, October 24, 2026
Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?
I've spent pretty much every single day of the last three years trying to guess which elevator door would open & not once have I guessed the right one.
I'll Ask Again, McDonalds...
...and I'm trying to stay civil about it but what the hell happened to the Chicken Big Mac??? Where is it?? 😡😡😡😡
Louuuuuuuuuuuuuu
One thing I've always loved that still defies all logic is the fact that in 1989 the Pizza Hut in Tappahannock, Virginia, had this album on the jukebox. ("On" the jukebox? Or do people say "in" the jukebox?" Why do I feel like I've always used "on" but it suddenly feels strange? Hmm. Life guys, amirite?)
In America.
Rich people love to turn up their nose at poor people rolling the dice on lottery tickets & we're all supposed to do what they say instead when at least with the lottery ticket there's literally a chance to get rich.
My New Life, in Brown Sweatshirts
Last week for the first time in my stupid life I decided to order a hooded sweatshirt; with the cold weather (FINALLY!) upon us & my wanting to keep pushing my 10k steps every day, it seemed like the best quickthrow on/off attire for such a thing. Since I've never ordered one before I assumed my size was "lummox", ordered accordingly, and waited.
By "waited" I mean "it came the next day", and I quickly found myself totally in love with my big brown blanket-with-a-hood best friend, even though it was what seemed to be exactly one size too big; I looked like every defensive line coach in the NFL before 1999 got together & had a baby.
"You know what," I declared to myself, and ONLY myself, "I'll order the next size down - if it's a better fit, I can use the bigger one as a back-up (that's right ladies I am now rich enough to have a back-up hooded sweatshirt, you’re welcome very much) or on those occasions when I wanna spend the weekend curled up in a big soft brown hug on the couch."
The smaller one showed up & I was right, it’s perfect. However, I found myself cracking up at myself, and ONLY myself!, the first time I went walking around my building (and when I walk around the building ladies & germs I walk AROUND THE BUILDING!) in the smaller, more form-fitting sweatshirt after having done all my walking earlier in the larger one, realizing that anybody who saw me twice that day woulda done a double-take “godDAM how big did this mfer get in 2 hours?????!!”
Friday, October 23, 2026
Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime
You really should hafta pass a breathalyzer before buying this shit, I mean dafuck are we even doing here anymore guys? 😬
Movie Ideas. I Have Them.
A sprawling circle of nephews/nieces/godsons/goddaughters/beloved-children's-empire ceremoniously gathers one Sunday every month to watch an episode of Only Fools and Horses to honor their beloved uncle/godfather/stuffed-bear-that-talks-too-much after his untimely passing at the far-too-young age of 110; hilarity/drama ensues.
LET'S MAKE SOME MONEY, PEOPLE!! 💰💰💰💰
Thursday, October 22, 2026
Happy 25th PTI!
I used to rush home from my job a few blocks off Union Square to watch when it first came on, I've loved both of these guys for a long time and it will always have a place in the Official Xmastime Heart of Hearts Club.
I'm not crying YOU'RE crying oh wait yes, that's me crying. 😠😠😜
Enjoy, and here's to another 25!
Sometimes I Scare Myself with My Own Genius
Should-be Hold Steady song lyric:
“And she said man when Bowie asked David Johanson who did his hairPREVIOUS HOLD STEADY GENIUS FROM XMASTIME HERE
And he said 'Johnny Thunders' I know he really meant it, man
And then she puked blue raspberry Slurpee all over my Chucks."
Wednesday, October 21, 2026
XMASTIME CLASSIC: ON THIS DAY IN 2008
The Corporate Shitter
I love the anonymity of the corporate world, in particular the bathroom situation. I am usually a timid dumper if I think I’m within 50 yards of another human being that knows me. Hey, I know what I’m doing in there is not human. I think that if anybody hears me, I'll get sent to the zoo. But the beauty here is, not only does nobody in the office know me, but I can even GO TO ANOTHER BATHROOM ON ANOTHER FLOOR!!!!!!
So hell, it don’t MATTER what I do in the stall there, what horrific noise is going on...I can huff and puff and scream and bring two chickens together and smash them in to each other; the WORST case scenario is when I step out to wash my hands there’s some dude standing there I’ll never, ever see again. “Hey guy, how’s things?” Corporate America. Fucking awesome.
On a side note, I also love how everyting is automatic. Stick your hand out, soap automatically shoots out. Same with the water and paper towels. I like that, it’s like the powers that be are saying “you know, we trust you to put out this multi-million dollar magazine every week, but washing up after you shit yourself? Yeah, you better let us take care of that...”
So hell, it don’t MATTER what I do in the stall there, what horrific noise is going on...I can huff and puff and scream and bring two chickens together and smash them in to each other; the WORST case scenario is when I step out to wash my hands there’s some dude standing there I’ll never, ever see again. “Hey guy, how’s things?” Corporate America. Fucking awesome.
On a side note, I also love how everyting is automatic. Stick your hand out, soap automatically shoots out. Same with the water and paper towels. I like that, it’s like the powers that be are saying “you know, we trust you to put out this multi-million dollar magazine every week, but washing up after you shit yourself? Yeah, you better let us take care of that...”
Tuesday, October 20, 2026
Sunday, October 18, 2026
5-Star Meal
I’m not kidding when I tell you this is one of my favorite dinners in recent memory; the bread was that kind of white bread that's kinda crappy until you toast it & then it’s pure magic with the room temperature Kerry Gold, I cooked my eggs absolutely perfect, the peas add some much needed color and gets me a step closer to my dream Garfield meal, the steak fries were the perfect “healthier” potato choice (tho I wish Wegmans had their own steak fries so I could stay on-brand, but alas) and the absolute no-question super-duper star of the show was the Wegmans breakfast sausage patties, left over from yesterday & OMG these things the next day are on another level and I do believe the next time I cook a batch up I’m gonna be saving them all for the next day. Unreal.
A++ meal. 🤗
A++ meal. 🤗
Jelly du Jour
I've seen this guitar doc like a million times & even while I've never actually watched or read Harry Potter (read all about it here!!!!) I'm insanely jealous of this joke. 🤣🙌🫡🤣🤣🤣🤣
In America.
Donald Trump has pretty much done everything someone could possibly do to obliterate his own party's chances for the midterms in ways that were they to be drawn up by a Trump hater such as myself even I'd say oh come on, all of this is almost TOO much, TOO unbelievable! and yet if the Democrats come out ahead of it all by pretty much a single vote it'll be a goddam miracle.
Speaking of FRANKENSTEIN
It was with these feelings that I began the creation of a human being.Has a single sentence ever so nonchalantly given birth to so many genres of literature all at once, including horror/goth/thriller/suspense/science fiction/fantasy/the anti-hero, just to name a few?
Cheers to THE NEW YORKER, Animal-Style
I don’t know if I’ve ever directly pointed it out before, but almost every single cartoon from The New Yorker I’ve ever posted has featured animals, including these two from the October 12 issue:
What is it about the magazine that so consistently produces such great animal cartoons? And does relate to the fact that almost NONE of their other cartoons are even remotely funny? 😬
Incredibly, The New Yorker has such a magic touch when it comes to animals in their cartoons that even random readers are totally crushing it!!! 🤯 (well, 2 out of 3, anyway)
Oh FRANKENSTEIN!
I’m halfway through re-reading Frankenstein & it’s astonishing how much better it is than the first time I read it, when it immediately leapt to being my #3 book of all time. Incredible.
Five years ago yesterday, having finished reading it for the first time, I wrote:
Five years ago yesterday, having finished reading it for the first time, I wrote:
“Is it too depressing to realize that the one literary character you most relate to is in fact Frankenstein’s monster?”
And I feel this connection even more strongly today, both in how I feel about my own place in society and in how I’ve come to accept what I truly believe about the existence of a god and the meaning/non-meaning of life & I see it mirrored in the monster’s anguished cries: why would you create me only to have me live in such misery? As Peter Buck is wont to say, “what kind of preacher are you, not to see if you can save my soul?” Okay that was Flannery O’Connor not Peter Buck, but still.
It’s insane how good this book is, and the caricatured portrait of it that’s emerged thanks to the movies et al is such a total betrayal that I can’t think of a proper analog.
On a side note, upon looking at my quote from 2021 above it's also dawned on me that while I may have thought it depressing at the time to realize how much I identified with a "monster", as I'm reading it now I am PROUD to associate myself with him in this fashion, and I presume I'll be even more so by the end of the book.
It’s insane how good this book is, and the caricatured portrait of it that’s emerged thanks to the movies et al is such a total betrayal that I can’t think of a proper analog.
On a side note, upon looking at my quote from 2021 above it's also dawned on me that while I may have thought it depressing at the time to realize how much I identified with a "monster", as I'm reading it now I am PROUD to associate myself with him in this fashion, and I presume I'll be even more so by the end of the book.
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