“WHAT IT’S LIKE WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME”

PREVIOUS HILARIOUS WATCHING TV WITH XMASTIME POSTS HERE

A Normie to My Cliffy

I don't know who Joe Denham is:

but back in 2022 I asked the same thing about the guy in the Cheers title song sequence; sometimes it's nice to not have to wonder if you're some sort of alien living on an Earth full of non-aliens.

has anyone ever researched to find out who this guy was? I mean, by now billions & billions of eyeballs have seen this photo of him; who is he? What'd he become? Was he alive when Cheers began? Or even close? Did he ever live up to that youthful, smug, "I'm about to take over the world" look?

Tuesday Night

I left my apartment door ajar while I scampered to the trash room on my floor but had a spill & in a flash had to decide whether I wanted to abandon my spilled garbage on the floor of the trash room for the 50 seconds it would take me to scamper back to my apartment door, lock it and hope to be back in the trash room to clean up before anybody saw me abandon my garbage & be known thereafter to anybody within miles as history's greatest monster, or immediately take about 15 seconds to clean it up and hope a homicidal maniac wouldn’t use that as an opportunity to slip into my apartment and make fun of my old CD collection and of course SPOILER ALERT I chose to pick up my garbage so I'll let you know how it goes.

Ideas. I Have Them.

Every night at the beginning of his show Jimmy Kimmel should spend about 3 minutes reciting a comically long disclaimer in as condescending tone as humanly possible that whatever any upcoming jokes on the show may be, he in fact does NOT want any physical violence directed at Trump or anybody else, using every sentence to verbally shiv Trump with a smile.

XMASTIME QUIZ: Cool with This Guy Carrying a Big Jug of Bleach Through Your Apartment Building?

Current Events

I think one painful thing that should be clear to everybody by now is that the presidential security detail is just as shitty as everything else in the administration; somehow the first black American president made it through 8 years without a close enough attempt to make the news, and yet here we go again with some dude getting within a long salad bar line of getting a pop off at Trump. Of course my hope is that NOBODY comes remotely close to harming any president, but I think it also makes sense that in the administration’s determination to surround itself with as many incompetent jerkoffs as possible whose sole job is to vigorously applaud the president’s every move, if only BECAUSE they’re incompetent jerkoffs whose sole job is to vigorously applaud the president’s every move, such incompetence (remember, these are the people who just weeks ago launched a war with Iran without taking 2 seconds to think about the Strait of Hormuz despite the fact that this particular happenstance had been played out in war simulations for almost 50 years and every one of them said “you know what before you even think about doing anything you’d better make sure you’re secured the Strait of Hormuz”) has clearly spread to include the president’s secret service detail and at some point he’s gonna hafta decide if keeping idiots around just to “stick it to libtards!” is worth having to worry about having to get shot at every time he leaves the house.

Almost 20 years ago I rather cheekily pointed out that we'd gotten bad at these things:

Another way my generation sucks is our lack of quality assassinations. Look at the generations before us - you had the Golden Era of Assassinations, the 1960s, that had it all: JFK, MLK, and, just to show how badass they were, another Kennedy with RFK. Maybe you have to be monogram-ly friendly to be considered an assassination candidate? Then they got Sadat, they at least tried to get Reagan and they rotated on a weekly basis who got to try to pop Ford. Fucking hell. AND, just to show nobody was safe they blew five holes in the world's biggest rock star who was of all things a peace-loving hippy.

Of course what made such a post even possible was that I'd assumed presidential security by the year 2008 had made such a thing impossible; recent events show that's not always the case, and maybe for the shameful yet easily fixable reason I mentioned above: they may be self-appointed evil villains of corruption, but their true superpower is just being shitty at their jobs. 

"IF YOU WERE JFK IN DALLAS TOMORROW WOULD YOU LEAVE THE ROOF OF YOUR CONVERTIBLE OPEN?"

Advice for Young People. I Have It.

I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: the only pieces of advice on picking up women I’ve ever seen actually work are to either “accidentally” drop your super-fancy car keys in front of them or tell them that their name just happens to be your favorite name of all time; anything other than that, you're on your own out there.

PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE

Advice for Young People. I Have It.

I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: don’t ever attempt to eat popcorn off a paper plate while in front of other people – no matter how diligently you try you will not be able to keep at least a few pieces from flying off the plate, making you look like someone who’s either never seen popcorn before or someone who’s never seen a plate before; either way, nobody will ever be able to look at you quite the same again.

PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE

Current Events

It the world we've chosen to live in when people can be so easily led to believe it's plausible that a comedian's joke would compel someone to cross the entire country and throw away their own life with an assassination attempt on a president rather than the policies of that particular president having had a detrimental impact on the would-be assassin's life.

In America

One afternoon in the coming weeks, around 4:45pm I'd say, we're going to be treated to a spectacle of Trump doing a victory dance in the end zone, spiking the football that Iran has agreed to open the Strait of Hormuz and allow the US to monitor its nuclear weapons program & bragging that him bringing Iran to its knees makes him the greatest president ever and I'm *guessing* not a single reporter in the room will ask "so if you had simply NOT torn up Obama's agreement with Iran and NOT started the dumbest, most idiotic war in human history for no reason that led to thousands of lives and trillions of dollars being lost, if you had simply done nothing then we'd be sitting here with the exact same outcomes without any of the disastrous consequences?", so 🤷‍♂️.

AN XMASTIME PRAYER CARD, by Xmastime 😔🙏

A Cry for Help

I got stuck in a Gilmore girls (yes the second g is lowercase, fucking sure me already if you don't like it) binge last week with my goddaughter & her family & now I cant get out of it HEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!! 😜🤣🤣🤣🤣 

 

XMASTIME, Advertising Auteur Genius!

TODAY'S CLIENT: M-----r (client asked their name not be searchable, on this blog, ever)

INTRODUCING Toby, the World's Most Passive-Aggressive Dog

“Cathy, I just LOVE how you don’t care how filthy your house is, I’m so jealous!”

 

LOVE IN AN ELEVATOR: A Poem by Xmastime

Business Ideas. I Have Them.

Someone should provide a service that should you drop dead, the podcast you were listening to at that moment automatically switches out to something nobody would be horrified to be found listening to.

EXEMPLI GRATIA:
Drop dead listening to Talking Fast: A Gilmore Girls Podcast
When they find your body they see you were listening to Malcolm Gladwell's Revisionist History

LOOKING FOR INVESTORS!! 💰💰💰💰

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "didn't you have a similar idea back in 2007 about tv channels?"

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did.

I Really Hope This isn't a Meep Meep! Sitch in the End

Wile E. Coyote is the perfect amalgamation of Cliff Clavin, Frasier Crane and Woody: curiously confidant in his non-existent intelligence, pompously full of bombast, and yet, in the end, utterly clueless. Perfect. - XMASTIME

Apparently there's a live action/cartoon movie of the Coyote suing the ACME Corporation:

The film is based on the 1990 The New Yorker magazine article "Coyote v. Acme" by Ian Frazier (itself using elements from the Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies franchise), and follows Wile E. Coyote as he sues the Acme Corporation for repeatedly selling him alleged faulty products.

Hey! I've read that article! Lookit moi!

A few random thoughts: 

1. this is an incredible premise
2. I’m officially putting the odds of this premise being totally wasted/ruined here at about 99%
3. I’m not saying I’d do it, but what if they actually made it as a classic courtroom drama? Treat it like it’s the heaviest/most important thing in the world…THAT would be hilarious
4. I know I’m too old but I’m guessing I’ll be miserably overwhelmed by the frantic cinematography that will be blasting the audience every second of the movie
5. okay I guess my main point is just that I’m really bummed that someone had such a great idea (YES I AM JEALOUS!!!) but we all know it’s gonna end up being a pile of shit, which is too bad
6. BUT!! I will happily give it a try, and watch while hoping to be pleasantly surprised
7. is this a direct descendant of Jerry Seinfeld’s Unfrosted, WHICH I LOVED?? !!
8. if this makes a ton of money are we gonna see a string of “hyper-specific stories based on cartoon nostalgia”? Yosemite Sam is involved in a school shooting, Pepé le Pew gets accused of date rape? Or rape?
9. hey look now I wanna go back and watch the old cartoons now
10. but first I want credit for asking how is it possible that Wes Anderson hasn't already done this?
11. yes I once blamed Castro on Wile E. Coyote

 

Advice for Young People. I Have It.

I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them (this one, in particular, is almost exclusively for young gentlemen): if somebody says the word “duty”, be the one guy in the room who doesn’t laugh; you will immediately garner the respect of anybody else in the room who doesn’t aspire to be an obnoxious 6 year-old boy.

PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE

Steak Night with Marley & Watty! 🕺

Here's the playlist we put together of some of our favorite cover songs, 5 each.

Mine are:

They Don't Know
Left in the Dark
I Need Your Love
Police On My Back
Strange

And here's the playlist we put together for our favorite Beatles song (right now!), 5 each.

Mine are:

She Loves You
A Day in the Life
Rain
It's All Too Much
Hey Jude

A great night! 🤗🕺