Madonna surprised everyone by opening the show, the Foo Fighters were presented
some sort of Lifetime Achievement Award...ladies & gentlemen, MTV presents their 2021 Video Music Awards.
Of course, MTV famously doesn't play videos anymore, so it is with ZERO snark when I say I'm surprised MTV still has their VMAs?
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from
those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you post about the VMAs only 15 years ago?"
Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I DID:
I got sucked into watching the MTV VMAs last night because SOMEone told me that these guys were
gonna perform their video live. Needless to say after 210 minutes, I
was left a fool as these dudes didn’t appear.* I won’t say who
“someone” is, but all I’m saying is his initials are RRTHUR. I’m sure
throughout the years I’ve accidentally caught every minute of these
dumbass things during their endless reruns, but I feel like this years
suckage was particularly brutal. The first thing that seemed off was
Jack Blacks intro, the main riff of which was “MTV has many malfunctions
due to goof-offs and cheapness.” Really? When did this happen? Can
anyone alive really remember the last time MTV was some sort of scrappy
underdog making do with a shoestring budget and hipster fuckups? When
did this happen? You’re MTV - you have a budget large enough to buy
Saturn, and while your ability to choose and play videos that have
anything to do with “music” has long plunged into the depths of
“abysmal”, you’re still amazingly top-notch at running huge, overblown
spectacles of pyrotechnics and video screens that are synced perfectly
down to the second using state-of-the-art-technology run by MIT computer
geeks who are in turn managed by over-stiff suits from Wharton. You’re
not some guy in a basement re-creating final scene of The Blue
Brothers with your Hot Wheels, so knock it the fuck off. You’ve given
us another year of beyond-shit videos (all 6 of them); the least you can
do when you gather around once a year to pat yourselves on the back is
write a show wherein the funniest line of the night doesn't come from Al
Gore.
Another thing I came to terms with last night is I’m old, and I just
don’t get it. I’m watching segment after segment of “hip-hop”
performances where there’s 20 people on the stage stomping and swaying,
led by some guy with a mic who is alternating between barely breathing
some words into the mic and pointing into the crowd. In years past I’d
be screaming at the screen “what is this shit?!?!? It’s the same
fucking beats as the last song, there’s no words, there’s no melody
whatthefuck is this fucking shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????” Last
night I just shrug. Hey, maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe there’s
something going on in the singing I don’t even hear, maybe they’re
moving in a way I don’t understand, maybe I’m just don’t get it.
Obviously somebody’s getting it, they’re on tv.
I do enjoy the acceptance speeches tho. My favorites are the ones where
they try to act totally shocked they won, that they didn’t even plan
anything cause they’re so surprised to even be there. Really? Let’s
see. Weeks, if not months ago your team of publicists told you you were
nominated for your video, one of the 6 they played in the last year.
You spent weeks picking out the perfect dress/"Im a weird hipster”
uniform and you spent weeks acknowledging the thanks of your
friends/families. You were flown into NYC, put into a hotel and met
with MTV officials to rehearse what would happen should you win. Then
you went to the pre-party, strolled down the red carpet, was placed in a
seat that literally had your name on it. And then you stand on stage
and act “shocked!!!” that you won, and were even nominated. Love it.
They all act like they were across the street at Roy Rogers when someone
rushes in “Beyonce just announced your name onstage at the VMAs!!!!!!”
and you had to tear across the street, find out where the awards were
and sprint to the stage and accept your award “from the fans.” Gimme a
fucking break.
There are 2 more acceptance speeches I like a lot; the first is the guy
that thanks God for “everything.” Okay, fine. You’re into God. But
then they go on to thank 20 other people as well. Um…didn’t you just
thank God for everything? Shouldn’t we assume that if you did indeed
have “God” helping you on your music video, he was probably enough?
“Yeah, I got God doing pretty much everything, but I still need somebody
at the Red Bull table.” Don’t you think God would take offense at some
point? “I’m God, I spend 3 weeks on the Kanye video and I get the same
thanks as Icky the coat boy?!?!!” Whats up with this anyways, I
get the feeling that people that do this do it to sort of advertise
God...they feel like they're getting the word out. You never see anyone
in the audience confused, asking around "who'd he just thank? who?
God? who's that?" Hey, we've all heard of the guy. Then
again, maybe it's occurred to you that if there's one group of people
that need saving by God, it's the 12-year old kids that were treated to
your video that features 4 minutes of drinking 40s and hittin' blunts
while flashing guns and pissing on a small herd of almost-naked "ho's."
Maybe you think God will forgive you if after you receive an award for
such a video you remind everyone to go to church, I don't know. Either
way relax, they’re just videos…until there’s one of the Beatles playing I Melt with You while Jessica Alba gets a rimjob from Britney, I’ll
find it hard to believe God has that much of a hand in music videos.
My second favorite is when the winner just thanks … “everybody.” Hmm.
Great. I sewed your pants for years in a leaky van while watching you
get laid by models cause you’re in a band, I fronted the money for your
first album and I taught you how to play Gloria, and at this moment
when you can acknowledge all my hard work as well as others along the
way in front of millions of people, you thank…everybody. So now instead
of someone being singled out on live tv as someone special for my years
of hard work in helping this fuckhead get that moon man, now I am part
of a group (“everybody”) that could literally include every single human
being on Earth. Great. And no assface, saying “You know who you are!”
doesn’t fucking help. Yes, I know who I am. The point is I need the
waitress at the hotel bar to know so I can get some amorous relations going!!!
And yes, Lil Kim, we know it’s “hard to keep a good bitch down.” We
know it’s hard to keep a good bitch down because Jack Black read it off
your cue card, and then you repeated it 3 times. We get it. Real edgy
stuff. Walk out onstage, say “Its hard to keep a good bitch down” until
someone points that you’re done, then walk back offstage. Wow!! Maybe
prison DOESN’T turn you into even more of a bad-ass than you already
were. Apparently it turns you into a boring motherfucker who has the
short-term memory of a goldfish.
Finally, the Axl Rose appearance, I dunno…I mean, were we supposed to
lose our shit about this?
“OMYGODAXLSCOMINGONSATGE!!!!HOLYSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He was introduced
like we were supposed to have heart attacks as we spooge ourselves.
What the fuck. I realized as he’s walking out you know, this guy made
one album that anyone gives a shit about….and it was 20 years ago. 20
years! I don't remember watching these things as a kid and losing my
shit if they trotted Norman Greenbaum out
on the stage. Since then he’s been famous solely for canceling
concerts and growing dreadlocks. Let’s step back and reign in this G 'n R
worship we’re all supposed to have. It was a fine record, but
completely overrated throughout the years. Yes, it looks better when
stacked up against its genre contemporaries Poison and Skid Row. Wow.
Not exactly The Beatles and Beach Boys trying to top each other, is it?
So thanks again to RRTHUR for making me watch this awful shit, and I
can’t wait for next year – with ANOTHER Aerosmith Greatest Hits coming
out it’ll be a can’t miss awards ceremony as we watch them perform a
119-minute version of Crying featuring Steve-O making out with Liv
Tyler the whole time until the very end when Joe Perry finally mumbles
“I can’t fucking do this anymore” and blows his brains out on live tv.
Can’t wait.
