Tuesday, January 31, 2023
My Weekend
What you need to know about my gang of short ne’er do-wells & adorable vigilantes: bunny ears are always funny and yes, immediately after this was taken I was stabbed in the eyeball.
Moooore Good News for Ada Límon
I've bragged about coulda-been Mrs. Xmastime Ada Límon on these pages forever, whether it's her books of poetry or being an answer in the New York Times (or, as I call it, "The Times") crossword or, unbelievably, her becoming US Poet Laureate this year.
But this...THIS is on a whole new level. Her name and words will live on for the next 5 billion years, until it allllllllll collapses into the Sun. Incredible. Just crazy incredible.
I have been wanting to share this news since I first got the call. I have the extreme honor of crafting an original poem that will go on the spacecraft @EuropaClipper to Jupiter’s second moon Europa! It’s the most intimidating and inspiring prompt I have ever received. https://t.co/DFyUg1onPY
— Ada Limón (@adalimon) January 30, 2023
Hey, at least I'll always have moments like this one!!!...until her people call and demand I scrub it from the site 😬
OFAH du Jour 🤣🤣🤣🤣
"He's been on the Bob Martins!"😅#onlyfoolsandhorses #ofah #comedy #TheBest pic.twitter.com/0pqJ8NYHGo
— Only Fools And Horses Clips (@foolshorses_) January 29, 2023
State du Moi
Nobody would ever accuse me of being a "badass!" but I do think me writing a song with the chord progression of DGAF will be adorably badass.
Hold Up. 😲 😲 😲 😲
The front of the can label reads "pairs well with recliners, gaming, and late-night snack attacks." Words on the side offer, "Notes of cheesy cheese, chili spice, and late Monday night."
YAASSSSSSS PLEASE!!!!😜🕺🤯
RIP Louise Harrison
A Beatles sister dying at age 91, 21 years after her more famous brother, wouldn't normally be newsworthy but Louise Harrison actually did help play a part with The Beatles' triumph in America:
In September 1963, almost no one in America had heard of the Beatles, much less of George Harrison, their quiet lead guitarist. Back in England, things were different. Needing a break from touring and recording, in September Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr visited Greece. John Lennon and his wife went to Paris. George chose to visit his sister, in Benton, Illinois (pop. 7,000).
While George enjoyed his R&R, Louise was busy promoting the Beatles. Besides dropping off records at the area radio stations, she prevailed upon local influencers—well, high school girls—to interview him. Her efforts got the band's song From Me To You played on a radio station in Illinois, which is one of the first known instances of the band hitting airwaves in the United States, according to the Daily Mail.
Okay it's not exactly playing The Ed Sullivan Show in front of 74 million people, but even the fact that she's the reason George was the first Beatle to ever visit America is something to remember her for.
Me. I'm Really Happening, Aren't I?
Me, first in line at Potbelly for lunch, happily waving a guy in a military ahead of me in line: "Wow, look at me...I'm so nice and thoughtful! For just having to wait about two minutes I get to feel like I'm doing something nice for someone else, what a great side order to my sandwich! I should do this all the time!"
Me, realizing he was ordering a bunch of sandwiches for his crew and therein would be taking about 20-25 minutes: "I hope he gets sent to Iraq and dies in flames. Today."
😬
Things I Like
Every day, I’ll add one thing to this list:
…basements, lasagna soup, funny sharks, crunchy Raisin Bran, Frank's West Italian Restaurant Pizzeria, Graceland (the place not the album), flannel shirts, "Suicaine Gratifaction", Thursday night, "Bored to Death", Ken Marino, my college girlfriend, watching 70's Britcoms on a Sunday, the year 2003, Penelope Keith, realizing that Love's debut album is better than Forever Changes, Tom Cruise movies that aren’t part of a franchise, found snacks, Tim Olyphant, Quebec City, Cooper Black font, the National Gallery of Art, getting Chick fil-A grilled nuggets as a side instead of their stupid waffle fries, Heidi Gardner, The Rewatchables, Italian seasoning on a toasted sub,
Coach!
I thought coming up with a MOUNT RUSHMORE OF FICTIONAL COACHES would be a breeze but after 8 seconds I already have a list and, Reeves & Taylor notwithstanding, I don't know how to cut this down to only 4 and I have a feeling a bunch more will occur to me throughout the day 😬
Ken ReevesCoach TaylorHerman BooneCoach DaleLou BrownButtermakerCoach Bobby FinstockRodney Daingerfield in that girls soccer movieTed Lasso
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you notice something problematic about the original trailer for The White Shadow, your beloved show of shows???"?"
Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did!
Xmastime 15 Years Ago Today: Genius. Utter, Utter Genius.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Mercy
I almost sprained my neck walking around last night; there are way too many smoking hot chicks in my neighborhood, and with each one I of course spin my head around after she’s passed to get a shot of them flanks a’ quakin. I am only a man, people. But one girl busted me, turning around to catch me leering at her and gave me a none-too-pleased look. Shamed mightily I continued on, but the oncoming rush of hot chicks was too much. Luckily I quickly came up with a brainstorm of genius…now that I have glasses, I can actually see these women from yards away, unlike the old days where I hafta wait til they’re right in front of me and then bionic-squint in their faces, scaring them before quickly spinning around to get my ass-shot in. Very subtle. Now, I can see them from farther away, I can take a minute to soak in their face and body from the front. "MMmmm, very nice" I might say to myself. THEN. When she’s a bit in front of you still, THEN spin your head around, act as if you’re looking at something behind you. Then she walks by, and even if she turns back around and sees you staring, she thinks you’re looking at something else, since you had your head turned when she passed. TA-DA!! Now you’re free to soak in her backdoor delights. You’re welcome!!
Of course, as I’m typing this I don’t know what I really expect to do once I lock in on her rear beef, it’s not like I’m gonna fall to the sidewalk, whip my dick out and start “directing traffic”, know what I mean? And it’s not like I’m gonna commit her to memory, cause they’ll be another one in about 30 seconds anyways. But hey…we can always commit ourselves to learn more and strive for greatness, can’t we?
Camon, Amtrak People
Over the millions of trips on Amtrak I’ve taken over the years I think I’m finally started to crack the code re: what they’re saying when they break in with the loudest PA system on Earth ever invented by the human race. I mean ffs part of the reason The Beatles quit touring in 1966 is that the sound equipment needed to fill a stadium full of screaming people wasn’t available; had they had their eight arms to hold you on whatever system Amtrak’s got today then I’m pretty sure they’d still be touring stadiums today.
ANYway, from what I can tell, most of what these Amtrak people are screaming – sorry, quietly reminding us – about is to NOT leave anything we brought onto the train behind on the train. A few minutes from each stop the panicked shouting over the loudspeakers begins, “BEFORE LEAVING THE TRAIN PLEASE LOOK AROUND AND TAKE ANY PERSONAL ITEMS PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE THE TRAIN WITHOUT YOUR ITEMS PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE ANYTHING BEHIND ON THE TRAIN WHEN YOU LEAVE.” To the point now I’m wondering, was there some serious incident at some point? I mean it’s not like the “see something, say something” NYC subway campaign where the thinking is that if someone leaves something, they’re leaving a bomb. The insanely loud voices screaming on the Amtrak mention things such as jackets, bags, food items etc. Was there some incident at some point in time during which someone left something behind – a book perhaps, or a jacket maybe – that sent the train company into such a tailspin that they’ve dramatically declared decided, “Never again!!…not on MY watch!!!” Were people just sprinting off the train the second it stopped, screaming “all my personal items be damned!!!”?
Dafuck, Amtrak?
Housekeeping
Oh well - the mystery that is XMASTIME, right guys?!?!?!
Monday, January 30, 2023
BARRETT STRONG
There's no chance I would've guessed Motown legend Barrett Strong was still alive until dying yesterday:
Although Money was a hit, Strong found that he wasn’t earning enough money to support his family, so in the early 60s he briefly began working on the factory floor at Chrysler. In the mid-60s, he returned to Motown as a staff songwriter, and with producer Norman Whitfield wrote many of the company’s most iconic tracks, including I Heard It Through the Grapevine, Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone, and War. The pair’s partnership with the Temptations, in particular, yielded a string of extremely successful, beloved tracks; in 1973, he was awarded the Grammy for best R&B song for Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone.
When you hear his name you think of Money, which would be enough to fund any Hall of Famer's career. But look at this SHORT lost he wrote with his partner & fellow Motown legend of legends Norman Whitfield:
I Heard It Through the Grapevine, Just My Imagination (Running Away with Me), and the long line of "psychedelic soul" records by the Temptations, including "Cloud Nine", "I Can't Get Next to You", "Psychedelic Shack", "Ball of Confusion (That's What the World Is Today)", and "Papa Was a Rollin' Stone", amongst others.
Unbelievable. Just unbelievable.
Game Show Idea
I, as the host, see how much money it takes to pay someone to punch a kid on live tv. $5,000? $10,000? When it comes to beating up kids, everyone has their price.
Looking for investors, people!
Things I Like
Every day, I’ll add one thing to this list:
…Christmas Eve, basements, lasagna soup, funny sharks, crunchy Raisin Bran, Frank's West Italian Restaurant Pizzeria, Graceland (the place not the album), flannel shirts, "Suicaine Gratifaction", Thursday night, "Bored to Death", Ken Marino, my college girlfriend, watching 70's Britcoms on a Sunday, the year 2003, Penelope Keith, realizing that Love's debut album is better than Forever Changes, Tom Cruise movies that aren’t part of a franchise, found snacks, Tim Olyphant, Quebec City, Cooper Black font, the National Gallery of Art, getting Chick fil-A grilled nuggets as a side instead of their stupid waffle fries, Heidi Gardner, The Rewatchables,
Sunday, January 29, 2023
Things I Like
Every day, I’ll add one thing to this list:
…closing the work laptop to start a long vacation, Christmas Eve, basements, lasagna soup, funny sharks, crunchy Raisin Bran, Frank's West Italian Restaurant Pizzeria, Graceland (the place not the album), flannel shirts, "Suicaine Gratifaction", Thursday night, "Bored to Death", Ken Marino, my college girlfriend, watching 70's Britcoms on a Sunday, the year 2003, Penelope Keith, realizing that Love's debut album is better than Forever Changes, Tom Cruise movies that aren’t part of a franchise, found snacks, Tim Olyphant, Quebec City, Cooper Black font, the National Gallery of Art, getting Chick fil-A grilled nuggets as a side instead of their stupid waffle fries, Heidi Gardner,
RIP Tom Verlaine
I never loved Television, to a Ramones zealot like myself they were far too "complicated". Reading hundreds of words later about Tom Verlaine's love of Ornette Coleman made sense to me. But Verlaine was THE bedrock and founding anchor of the CBGB's scene that I've loved since I was 14, always there in every way, in all the stories and connecting so much of the tissue it...well, would be a lot of tissue. I never really loved his band but always viewed him as an absolute guitar god. Without him there would have been no CBGB, period, end of.
So I'm surprised at my own melancholy upon hearing about his dying today. Just something about an important piece of a part of my life, now gone. And knowing this shit's gonna happen faster & faster.
RIP Tom Verlaine. And this genius of a song will live forever.
(Dafuck guys now that he's dead the image of him on the album cover is creepy af 😬)
Friday, January 27, 2023
I Mean FFS I Am Not Made of Stone, People
Nicholas Winton helped 669 Jewish children escape the Nazis. His efforts went unrecognized for 50 years. Then in 1988, while sitting as a member of a TV audience, he suddenly found himself surrounded by the kids he’d rescued, now adults.
— Gurwinder (@G_S_Bhogal) January 27, 2023
I like to remember this every Jan 27th. pic.twitter.com/uq998DaRH6
Come Together
Every once in a while this famous picture of two bullets that (supposedly) collided during the Civil War makes the rounds
and I was always very impressed until last night when I saw the exact same scenario, but with peanut M&M's.
Everything in this world ties together forever, doesn't it people? 🤔🤷♂️😜
I Have Some News for You, Brave Indian Warrior
As impressive as you look here...
....personally, I'm more impressed with this cheeky fucker just pretending to be dead. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
OFFICIAL EGG FOO WHAT?! ANNOUNCEMENT
"If the young lady who rejected Greg’s mix tape 21 years ago is watching this, he would like her to know that he is indeed ready to welcome her back into his life. Congrats, baby!!! #eggfoowhat"
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