Questions. I Have Them.

I say this with love in my heart as someone truly appreciating this guy but how can you devote yourself to the bit so much that even your goddam arms look like Johnny Ramone's stunt doubles but you can't just go the extra 5 yards & get a white Mosrite? 🤔🤷‍♂️

 

Things Out There are So Fucked Up Right Now...

...even the Moon's like "fuck this shit I'm outta here byyyyyyyyye!"

 

Xmastime Photo du Jour

Advice for Young People. I Have It.

I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: if you want somebody to agree with you about anything, the quicker you can find an opportunity to work an "I mean hey, you know this better than me" into the conversation, the quicker they'll find themselves wanting to agree with you.

PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE

Advice for Young People. I Have It.

I don't consider myself to be a man of great wisdom and I don't think anybody ever looks to me for advice but as I see all the young people in my life growing closer to adulthood there's one piece of advice I would like to pass on to them: always eat your favorite parts of a salad first; how stupid will you feel when you’re dropping dead with a belly full of lettuce & the last thing you see is the pile of grilled chicken & parmesan croutons you’ll never get to eat?

PREVIOUS ADVICE HERE

Current Status

I just had an 8-second elevator conversation with some guy about how amazing the pizza at Wegmans is & it was the 4th-best moment of my life since   [NAME REDACTED TO PROTECT THOSE WHO BRAVELY SERVED SO YOU NEVER HAD TO]   at that wedding in Woodstock.

In America.

On Trump's newest slush fund.

We spent about 245 years as a country proudly claiming our rebellious nature, refusing to ever bend the knee to another man as those we turn our noses up would a king, but it turns out that not only did we jump to do exactly that the very first time the opportunity came up, but now we seem to be imploring one man to please take as much of our money as he possibly can as well.

I’ve long assumed that what’s truly intoxicating about being a Congressman is its enormous power, and yet around 270 of the most powerful people in the world have happily handed all that power away to one person. I’ve long assumed that one of the principal incentives for Republicans in general has been in controlling the country’s money, and yet around 270 of the most powerful people in the world are now happily handing all the money away to one person.

So I don’t think it’s crazy to ask why? Why would incredibly powerful, successful people forfeit of all things power and money, the very things they rose to their positions in the first place, so easily; either they’ve miscalculated & have set themselves up for great disappointment, or what’s waiting for us is even more horrifying than we’ve been assuming.

Former Mrs. Xmastime Candidate Made Good! 😜🤣

Wow you know you've made it when you're one of the possible WRONG answers to a quiz question in The New York Times - or, as I call it, "The Times"! 🤗😜❤️🕺

I still chose her even tho I knew she wasn't the correct answer because that's just the kind of American Badass I am, no apologies.

Future Band Name du Jour

The Living Pulp

Happy 75th Birfday Joey Ramone ❤️🤗😢🕺

The best that ever was.

Long Live KIDS IN PHILLY

Longtime Xmastime buddy Kiko Jones asks a great question:

A lot of the bands I've always been in love with the most were either broken up (e.g. The Clash) or long past their prime (e.g. The Ramones) by the time I could've seen them, but I'd have to say the one band I could use as an answer is Marah; whether or not it’s even your favorite Marah album (Float Away is mine) Kids in Philly will always be known as both their musical peak and their “this is their moment!” peak, it’s both their Sgt. Pepper and Summer of Love, and I was lucky enough to see a bunch of shows that tour including the record release party & one autumn weekend run in particular that’s still a Top 5 music moment for me; everything magical about music I believed in seemed to be coming into being & focus  just for me, and at the center of that in more ways than one was Marah's masterpiece.

The PSC, Peter Leroy & Me

A few days ago I crossed my one-year mark as a member of the Panera Sip Club (Mr. Braggy McBraggerson, table for 1!) & it coincided with my first "where the fuck's my cup?" run since it all began; 3 times over the last 8 or so trips I've had to ask for my cup & the same guy always scrambles the jets to make sure I do, his own time & safety be damned, and while I find it charming (to be honest it’s the perfect opening I've been looking for re: talking to someone about just letting me use my own cup every time) it also cracks me up wondering if the kid’s just trying to hustle for a tip like my all-time fave Peter Leroy 🤗🤣🤣❤️ (see below oh that's right there's more!).

Unfortunately for him, my policy as a Panera Sip Club member (code name Sir Bragsalot!) is that I refuse to tip unless I do actually purchase something, for which I’m happy to tip like 50-60%, but I do really appreciate the effort. 👍🤗🕺

Once again unfortunately for him, as a Panera Sip Club member (greetings from Bragging Camp!) I think I’ve ordered something else there maybe twice throughout the entire year, but I do really appreciate the effort. 👍🤗🕺

In America.

Only Trump can take an already incredibly shitty idea and somehow make it stunningly worse:

The Justice Department on Monday announced the creation of a $1.776 billion fund to compensate President Donald Trump’s allies who claim they were unfairly targeted by the previous administration.

It’s an unprecedented move that would allow the president’s administration to pay his supporters from a government agency he controls with taxpayer money.

Its creation comes as Trump dropped his $10 billion lawsuit alleging that the Internal Revenue Service failed to protect Trump and the Trump Organization from an unauthorized leak of their tax returns.

Trump has now put us in a position in which we have to agree that simply handing him $10B of our dollars is a good solution, since otherwise instead of having one fucking maniac to deal with if that fucking maniac happens to find himself as the most powerful person in the world we're basically telling anybody that if you violently attack the US capital you will not only go unpunished, you will be rewarded financially. Incredible.

20 Years Ago Today on Xmastime

Pretty much everything in this post remains true today, unfortunately.

State du Moi.

I had an argument with my new BFF ChatGPT (👋 hi ChatGPT!!!) when they told me I should be washing my towels every other day & I suggested that either I understand how the procedural order of showering/drying works or they understand how the procedural order of showering/drying works but both of us cannot possibly understood how the procedural order of showering/drying works.

Xmastime Films

LOOK AT ALL THAT GRAVY

Watch Previous Xmastime Films Here

Promises. I Make Them.

As president I'll be nice to all the billionaires IF they can pay & convince Jordan & Barkley to do a nightly poker game live on TV; I don't even care who the other players are, let's just get the shit-talking started with these two old friends coming back to each other after decades of a beyond-stupid feud and see how President Xmastime has united the country without it even noticing.

You're pre-welcome, everybody! 

OTHER XMASTIME PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN PROMISES (so far) 

• All adults will be able to order off the kids menu at restaurants
• Anybody who brags about how they ONLY will make popcorn the old-fashioned way on their stove top goes directly to jail.
• Life in prison for anyone who gives Joe Walsh a free pass for associating himself with the shittiest/most boring band of all time The Eagles
• I promise to make it illegal for Amazon to sell books that have passed into public domain & can be printed out by any shithead with a printer without making it clear on their site
• I will force McDonalds to get rid of its McRib nonsense
• No more blowing your nose in front of other people
• It will only be legal to run a goddam leaf blower on Saturdays between 8:00am-8:59am. No exceptions.
• Michael Jordan & Charles Barkley have to be best friends again
• Every tv show has to do a dinner murder mystery bottle episode
• Serving sizes will make sense to human beings who don't get paid to be food serving size scientists; for instance, one serving of potato wedges would be "one potato wedge" & not some wildly unhelpful "3 oz" bullshit.
• I will make the Dancing in the Dark video disappear form the internet forever. We've all suffered enough, none more than Bruce himself.

"There's People We Have to Reach Back For"

Hats off to Kevin fucking Costner, everybody. 👏🙌🥲❤️ 

Brilliant du Jour

Dreams. I Have Them.

Everybody's wringing their hands re: "what if Trump is president while in jail?" but nobody seems to find it remarkable that apparently if you're a convicted felon you can run for president and BE the president, but you cannot VOTE for a president. - XMASTIME, 2023

Obviously there's nothing Trump could possibly do to make his people not worship him but Democrats should at least start kicking the stall re: if the above it true then why don’t we either make it illegal for a felon to be president or make it legal for felons to vote for president just to see Republicans soil themselves at the prospect of even one more black person being allowed to vote, the only scenario they could possibly be confronted with that could scare them as much as getting a mean girl tweet from you know who.