BREAKING: Teenager's Hair About to Be @#$%ing Hilarious

SHEP! 🤗🐶❤️🕺

Why Yes I Am Still Single, Whysoever Do You Ask?

Current Events

Xmastime Fixes Baseball, No Big Deal, Whatever Who Cares

On one hand I'm surprised that eliminating the shift in Major League baseball hasn't had a bigger effect on batting averages; on the other hand I don't know how you can dance around trying to find a solution without landing on moving the fences back A LOT to create a vastly more expansive outfield, therein allowing more doubles & triples. Please allow me to make my case:

1. plenty of ballparks back in the olden days when everybody loved baseball were cavernous and that's why you had a million doubles & triples and a fraction of today's strikeouts

2. teams always fuck around with moving their fences based on their own lineups so let’s not start with the integrity bullshit

3. this seems like an easy fix if your goal really is to make the game more exciting via more contact at the plate and baserunning

4. this solution aligns perfectly with the reality that today’s outfielders are just so much bigger and MUCH MUCH MUCH more athletic & can chew up much more space than their pastoral ancestors

5. and they're only gonna be getting MUCH bigger & MORE athletic

6. this could also start chipping away at the “no black kids wanna play baseball anymore” problem too, but I only feel like taking credit for one brilliant idea at a time thank you very much.

Again, this seems so doable and such a perfect fix that I’m now doubting it based on the fact that if an idiot like me has thought of it then surely many people much smarter than I have as well & so there must be a reason (other than just money, which is always the reason) it hasn’t happened yet and probably never will.

Is It...Immigrants?

Episodes of THE OFFICE We Were Denied

I'd like to see what happened the first day back in the office after Jim declared his love to Pam & she rejected him; instead we just skip happily to Jim in Stamford and I for one agree with the Dowager of Downton herself in this case: "I hate Greek drama where everything happens offstage."

We can't get an episode where Jim makes up an excuse for starting work at 3am so he can be gone by 11am? How is it possible this didn't make the gossip rounds of the office and when I say that what I mean is OMG THEY COULD'VE DONE AN ENTIRE EPISODE OF MICHAEL SCOTT MAKING FUN OF JIM!! ugh!! 😡 😡 😡 😡

FINALLY!

Moi Say Moi back in 2023:

Glen Matlock - not only the bass player for the Sex Pistols but wrote all the music for their one album before getting kicked out on account of being surrounded by fucking idiots.

Me & Jerry (Again!)

Last week I rather brilliantly wrote thusly:

I wanna marry someone who loves the hit tv show Friends so I can constantly refer to it as Seinfeld but Not Good as snidely as humanly possible until she's officially and forever insane. Will keep you posted.

…and WELL WELL WELL what do you know, look who’s chiming in!

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn’t you also accuse this motherfucker of stealing a joke from you a coupla years ago?”

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did...but since genius comedy game recognizes genius comedy game, just this one time I am willing to let it go.

You’re welcome, Jerry. 😔

Jer?

F*ck You, The Daily Beast 😡

When you put this blind headline up you’re making millions of Fawlty Towers fans immediately think ”oh damn, Connie Booth just died? 😢”, which makes it supershittier when it turns out it’s an actress who appeared in one episode; no offense to that actress, but pulling shit like this for internet clicks isn’t just some cute little media tactic, it’s cruelty.

Corporate Bathroom Business

I was standing at the urinal this morning (as if I’d be doing anything else at a urinal?) & went against my policy of not cutting a fart when someone else was in a stall as I figured I could get out of the bathroom before they came out of the stall & recognized who I was, which would cause me some level of embarrassment; of course right on cue one of my best work friends came strolling in & starts chatting it up with me so I was forced to do as many head nods/mumbling with the water running as I could so I could get the fuck out of there without my voice being recognized by whomever was in the stall.

You've Been Warned.

Sterling Gold

Even though it was for a sad reason I always love any time Mike & the Mad Dog get together, and of course them taking about John Sterling was a poignantly hilarious trip down memory lane; even I had no idea that not only did Mike & Doggie love making fun of Sterling’s home run calls, which Sterling himself of course loved more than anybody else, but Doggie’s enthusiasm in particular may have spurred Sterling on to do even more of them.

Just an incredible 20 minutes for Yankees fans to be able to listen to (these first 6 minutes were all I could get to post, but it’s available on Sirius); also, listening to them dancing on lasers trying to describe Sterling without using the word “gay" = unanimous Radio Hall of Fame moment, retired & hanging from the rafters. 🤗😭🤣🤣

WE MISS YOU JOHN STERLING!! ⚾️🕺

 

Okay We @#$%ing Get It Wegmans 😡

Ideas. I Have Them.

There should be a documentary about tracking down people who were unwitting participants in a comedian's standup.

EPISODE ONE: who was this Zorro ion a plane guy???

(YES I just remembered I've thought of this brilliant idea before so hey now I get to bitch about being light years behind Xmastime, does this please you people??!!?! 😡) 

Here's Me...

...coming in with my thoughts on the NBA conference finals after watching a total of 0 minutes of NBA basketball for the entire year up to that point.

 

A Question for Wegmans

Is the house icon all the way to the right to remind me to get the fuck out of Wegmans? 😡 😡 😡 😡

Today's WHO'S BURIED IN GRANT'S TOMB? Award Winner

RIP John Sterling

One of my favorite things on Mike & the Mad Dog was whenever they’d replay one of Sterling’s not-quite-“home run” calls from the night before howling with laughter; he was a true character in a sport that once valued true characters but doesn’t anymore, he was one of the – if not the?- last connections to the Yankees dynasty I walked into back in 1998, and his voice on any of a million nights gave the game he was calling a lift with his personality & love of the game. He will be missed. 😢

Depending on Billionaires Has Absolutely Failed Us

I’m not anti-billionaire, and I’m sorry to tell this to my more billionaire-friendly fans but I don’t really think any other Democrat is either, nice talking point on tv as it may be, but I 100% am anti-let’s-just-hand-over-all-the-power-to-billionaires-pretty-much-solely-because-they’re billionaires, and it turns out the reason they’re even allowed to do it is because one of the Koch brothers got pissed off in 1974:

In the wake of the Watergate scandal, Congress passed new campaign finance restrictions that would have largely eliminated the ability of wealthy people to buy elections. In addition to donor disclosure rules and contribution limits, the new legislation capped so-called “independent expenditures” on behalf of political candidates at $1,000 a year. There were even curbs on what rich people could spend to get themselves elected.

David Koch, a wealthy industrialist, was enraged. “I have the right to spend whatever I choose to promote what I believe,” he later wrote, adding that the law “makes my blood boil.”

Flash forward to the 2024 presidential campaign. Six of the nation’s wealthiest billionaires spent more than $100 million apiece to help get another billionaire, Donald J. Trump, elected president. Independent expenditures by wealthy outsiders for the first time in history exceeded what the candidates’ own campaign committees spent, a New York Times analysis showed. Mr. Koch’s brother Charles was among 300 billionaires and their families who accounted for 19 percent of all contributions in federal elections.

While the article delivers a very gentle “maybe letting billionaires have all the power isn’t a great thing” message, it doesn’t hammer down what’s most painfully obvious: after 50+ years of our slowly handing over more & more power to these people, the best idea they’ve had so far is re-electing Donald Trump. That’s it. And while you can think what you want of Trump as president, if you’re being honest you’d have to say that while Trump being re-elected has greatly, GREATLY serviced the bank accounts of those 300 billionaires, for everybody else it’s been ridiculously chaotic at best and & terrifyingly destructive at worst (ICE/DOGE/Iran/tariffs/etc etc).

We’ve given the billionaires all of our money & all of our power and this is what we’ve gotten in return, so shove your “oh this guy just hates billionaires” bullshit up your fucking ass and tell me how this country is better off for ANYBODY who’s not a billionaire or billionaire-adjacent. I’ll be holding my breath. If these guys had shown up & said “you know what with our money & our brilliance that got us that money we’re gonna do XYZ that are gonna make everybody’s lives as fulfilling & comfortable as our own” I’d reconsider my position, but it juuuuuuuuuuust doesn’t seem like that's going to happen anytime soon.

And we can't blame the billionaires themselves - 50 years after David Koch lost his shit Donald Trump screamed at everybody live on tv that people are eating pets in Springfield Ohio because “he saw someone say it on tv” and that, despite having spent 4 years already as President of the United States, he had “concepts of a plan” for healthcare, and 75M+ Americans decided you know what, good enough for me. This is partly because most people are idiots, including myself (although not so much that I’d vote for Trump), and partly because people have spent their lifetimes being told that the billionaires are the ones with all the expertise, they’re billionaires because they’re so brilliant and if we’d only give them the reins & get the hell out of their goddam way they’d save the day and yet, again, so far what they’ve given us is Donald fucking Trump.

In terms billionaires may understand, they have been an incredibly terrible investment for the American people and, therefore, the entire world.

It won’t stop anytime soon – people won’t suddenly stop believing that gee if I just give everything I have to rich people then they’ll make ME rich too; they’ll always believe they’re just one billionaire vote away from being invited into a club they not only will never receive any benefits from, but will be utterly crushed by again & again & again. Great.