Wednesday, September 15, 2021

Dafuck is Wrong with People?

Via Gothamist:

Sure, you've seen the city from man-made heights before—we've got plenty of skyscrapers providing sweeping views. But those will all seem downright quaint compared to the latest offering: SUMMIT One Vanderbilt. The Midtown attraction, which will open in October, delivers a "euphoric, multisensory experience," according to a bold claim in the press release. Serving up more than just views, the entire space stretches over 65,000 square feet, but was designed to appear boundless.

Part observatory, part immersive experience, part sensory space, part mirror-laden selfie church, the four levels look like they were designed to let the city wash over you. The experience even comes with a vertigo-inducing glass-bottom floor, perfect for the person who just wants to feel something, anything.

In word? Hell no.

Oh Feel the Buuuuuuuuuuuuuurn!!!!

Everybody Wants to Be Someone Here

This video of Phoebe Bridgers covering Here Comes a Regular is popping up everywhere. I have no idea who Phebe Bridgers is but Wikipedia tells me she's 27 years old, so as an old man screaming at kids to get off my lawn finds some comfort in youngsters seeking out and finding great music from the past.

SIDE NOTE: before my old band landed in the name Hayday my drummer wanted to call ourselves Here Come the Gregulars. True story! Hand to god!

Brilliant du Jour

I hate Van Halen but this is hilarious. 


The Bullshit Deepens

Once again, Republicans show their asses, roaring fake outrage at AOC's "tax the rich" dress at a fancy-pants gala while also doing everything to fight against her efforts to actually tax the rich. Via Jonathon Chait: 

Her agenda is not based on a moral critique of the rich, but a rather banal observation that rich people can stand to have less money in order to finance social needs for those in greater need.

Indeed, the whole idea that the Democratic Party’s rationale for more progressive taxation is based on personal moral condemnation of the rich is almost entirely a canard invented by the right. First conservatives accuse liberals of hating and wishing to punish the rich, and then turn around and accuse them of hypocrisy for violating the belief they never actually held.

Plus, she's pretty bangin' in that dress nom nom nom! 

You're Welcome, People

Over the years I've recommended a million Britcoms to you people; here are 26 I've determined to be 5 out of 5 stars. (In somewhat chronological order)

Open All Hours

Fawlty Towers

To the Manor Born

Porridge

Citizen Smith

Only Fools and Horses

Yes, Minster

Blackadder

The Royle Family

I’m Alan Partridge

Father Ted

The Vicar of Dibley

Extras

The Green Green Grass

Black Books

The IT Crowd

Gavin and Stacey

Peep Show

The Inbetweeners

The Wrong Man(s)

Vicious

Friday Night Dinner

Moone Boy

Derry Girls

Cuckoo

Staged

Interesting.

Sometimes I feel like we don't talk enough about the kickball walk-off grand slam I had 4th grade. Again - it wasn't just a home run, it was a grand slam and we were down by three runs!! Camon, people!

Questions. I Have Them.

How on Earth is I'm Alan Partridge not streaming anywhere? 😡😡😡

A Note, Please

August 6 came and went without anybody bothering to NOTE that it was the 25th anniversary of The Ramones' 2263rd and final show. The video of the show is kinda weird, the stage is brightly lit and the band is in such a rush to get the hell off the stage they don't even bother to make sure Lemmy from Moterhead is set up to play...A SONG HE WROTE ABOUT HIS LOVE FOR THEM CALLED R.A.M.O.N.E.S!!

"Let's Stop Asking the Average Person What They Think"

Ricky Gervais is spot-on with this one, people. Spot-on!

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Grant Hart

Four years ago today Grant Hart, one of my all-time superslices of superslices, died at age 56. I can still remember the moment I was listening to Husker Du's live album, The Living End, and realized that Husker Du wasn't just "Bob Mould's band" and I liked Grant's songs better. He was the McCartney to Mould's Lennon; incapable of not being astoundingly melodic.

From when I met him:

THINGS I LOVED
- 3 super-super-hilights of the night: Last Days of Pompeii, 2541, and A Letter from Anne Marie
- Me getting a laugh from him (the only one of the night) outside
- Playing my all-time #1 Husker slice Terms of Psychic Warfare
- His anger flashing outside when some dipshit girl says "the politics of modern country music don't matter."
- The fact that you can walk into a bar somewhere anywhere and watch a dude with one of the best songbooks ever and one of the best voices ever play amazing song after amazing song.
- Drew bravely being the one to speak for all of us the next day when he said "I almost teared up a coupla times." Of course I acted like such a thing was foreign idea to such a tough guy as myself.
- Started playing approx. 60 seconds after the opening act had left the stage. No wait-for-an-hour-for-the-star nonsense.
- A general consensus at Jack's house afterwards of while Bob Mould wrote plenty of great songs, Grant Hart is true love and should be fought for at every opportunity.

THINGS I DIDN'T LIKE
- Him seeming to be more focused on the one person in the back yapping loudly, oblivious to who he was or what he was doing, than the 50 people staring at him waiting to throw themselves in front of a bus for him.
- Not playing my super-slice Old Empire!!
- Fucking chick outside who fucking wouldn't stop yapping to me while I was trying to talk to him. Seriously, the first girl in 20 years who wants to talk to me, and it's while I'm trying to make googley-eyes at one of my all-time heroes. Took about 3 minutes of "uh-huh...really..." while sloooooooooooowly moving my head away from her to shed her. Fucking christ.

The Truth. Sometimes It's Hard to See When It's Right in Front of You.

Something I've Learned Over the Last Year & a Half

Unlike humans, dogs don’t mind being woken up if you’re scratching their belly. 

Wow du Jour

There's some guy recording all the parts to Beatles songs as isolated tracks and it is fucking intoxicating.

I Mean Camon Already

I love hearing people from my generation brag about how much tougher they were as kids than today's kids. I mean yeah only a few generations back kids would be working in factories 10 hours a day six days a week but Gen X kids, get this, rode their bikes around the neighborhood without adult supervision until dinner time!! Wow! Whoa!

(eyeroll)

Monday, September 13, 2021

12 Years Ago Today

My career as The Manny ended. 












First day back to school! #nervous #excited #newfriends



Same Old Shit

Republican reaction to the vaccine reminds me of something I wrote back in 2010:  

If Obama owned a funeral home, Republicans would stop dying.

Joe Cool!


OFAH du Jour



What the Fuck Year is This?

Madonna surprised everyone by opening the show, the Foo Fighters were presented some sort of Lifetime Achievement Award...ladies & gentlemen, MTV presents their 2021 Video Music Awards.

Of course, MTV famously doesn't play videos anymore, so it is with ZERO snark when I say I'm surprised MTV still has their VMAs?

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you post about the VMAs only 15 years ago?"  

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I DID:   

I got sucked into watching the MTV VMAs last night because SOMEone told me that these guys were gonna perform their video live. Needless to say after 210 minutes, I was left a fool as these dudes didn’t appear.* I won’t say who “someone” is, but all I’m saying is his initials are RRTHUR. I’m sure throughout the years I’ve accidentally caught every minute of these dumbass things during their endless reruns, but I feel like this years suckage was particularly brutal. The first thing that seemed off was Jack Blacks intro, the main riff of which was “MTV has many malfunctions due to goof-offs and cheapness.” Really? When did this happen? Can anyone alive really remember the last time MTV was some sort of scrappy underdog making do with a shoestring budget and hipster fuckups? When did this happen? You’re MTV - you have a budget large enough to buy Saturn, and while your ability to choose and play videos that have anything to do with “music” has long plunged into the depths of “abysmal”, you’re still amazingly top-notch at running huge, overblown spectacles of pyrotechnics and video screens that are synced perfectly down to the second using state-of-the-art-technology run by MIT computer geeks who are in turn managed by over-stiff suits from Wharton. You’re not some guy in a basement re-creating final scene of The Blue Brothers with your Hot Wheels, so knock it the fuck off. You’ve given us another year of beyond-shit videos (all 6 of them); the least you can do when you gather around once a year to pat yourselves on the back is write a show wherein the funniest line of the night doesn't come from Al Gore. 

Another thing I came to terms with last night is I’m old, and I just don’t get it. I’m watching segment after segment of “hip-hop” performances where there’s 20 people on the stage stomping and swaying, led by some guy with a mic who is alternating between barely breathing some words into the mic and pointing into the crowd. In years past I’d be screaming at the screen “what is this shit?!?!? It’s the same fucking beats as the last song, there’s no words, there’s no melody whatthefuck is this fucking shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????” Last night I just shrug. Hey, maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe there’s something going on in the singing I don’t even hear, maybe they’re moving in a way I don’t understand, maybe I’m just don’t get it. Obviously somebody’s getting it, they’re on tv.

I do enjoy the acceptance speeches tho. My favorites are the ones where they try to act totally shocked they won, that they didn’t even plan anything cause they’re so surprised to even be there. Really? Let’s see. Weeks, if not months ago your team of publicists told you you were nominated for your video, one of the 6 they played in the last year. You spent weeks picking out the perfect dress/"Im a weird hipster” uniform and you spent weeks acknowledging the thanks of your friends/families. You were flown into NYC, put into a hotel and met with MTV officials to rehearse what would happen should you win. Then you went to the pre-party, strolled down the red carpet, was placed in a seat that literally had your name on it. And then you stand on stage and act “shocked!!!” that you won, and were even nominated. Love it. They all act like they were across the street at Roy Rogers when someone rushes in “Beyonce just announced your name onstage at the VMAs!!!!!!” and you had to tear across the street, find out where the awards were and sprint to the stage and accept your award “from the fans.” Gimme a fucking break. 

There are 2 more acceptance speeches I like a lot; the first is the guy that thanks God for “everything.” Okay, fine. You’re into God. But then they go on to thank 20 other people as well. Um…didn’t you just thank God for everything? Shouldn’t we assume that if you did indeed have “God” helping you on your music video, he was probably enough? “Yeah, I got God doing pretty much everything, but I still need somebody at the Red Bull table.” Don’t you think God would take offense at some point? “I’m God, I spend 3 weeks on the Kanye video and I get the same thanks as Icky the coat boy?!?!!” Whats up with this anyways, I get the feeling that people that do this do it to sort of advertise God...they feel like they're getting the word out. You never see anyone in the audience confused, asking around "who'd he just thank? who? God? who's that?" Hey, we've all heard of the guy. Then again, maybe it's occurred to you that if there's one group of people that need saving by God, it's the 12-year old kids that were treated to your video that features 4 minutes of drinking 40s and hittin' blunts while flashing guns and pissing on a small herd of almost-naked "ho's." Maybe you think God will forgive you if after you receive an award for such a video you remind everyone to go to church, I don't know. Either way relax, they’re just videos…until there’s one of the Beatles playing I Melt with You while Jessica Alba gets a rimjob from Britney, I’ll find it hard to believe God has that much of a hand in music videos.  

My second favorite is when the winner just thanks … “everybody.” Hmm. Great. I sewed your pants for years in a leaky van while watching you get laid by models cause you’re in a band, I fronted the money for your first album and I taught you how to play Gloria, and at this moment when you can acknowledge all my hard work as well as others along the way in front of millions of people, you thank…everybody. So now instead of someone being singled out on live tv as someone special for my years of hard work in helping this fuckhead get that moon man, now I am part of a group (“everybody”) that could literally include every single human being on Earth. Great. And no assface, saying “You know who you are!” doesn’t fucking help. Yes, I know who I am. The point is I need the waitress at the hotel bar to know so I can get some amorous relations going!!!

And yes, Lil Kim, we know it’s “hard to keep a good bitch down.” We know it’s hard to keep a good bitch down because Jack Black read it off your cue card, and then you repeated it 3 times. We get it. Real edgy stuff. Walk out onstage, say “Its hard to keep a good bitch down” until someone points that you’re done, then walk back offstage. Wow!! Maybe prison DOESN’T turn you into even more of a bad-ass than you already were. Apparently it turns you into a boring motherfucker who has the short-term memory of a goldfish. 

Finally, the Axl Rose appearance, I dunno…I mean, were we supposed to lose our shit about this? “OMYGODAXLSCOMINGONSATGE!!!!HOLYSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He was introduced like we were supposed to have heart attacks as we spooge ourselves. What the fuck. I realized as he’s walking out you know, this guy made one album that anyone gives a shit about….and it was 20 years ago. 20 years! I don't remember watching these things as a kid and losing my shit if they trotted Norman Greenbaum out on the stage. Since then he’s been famous solely for canceling concerts and growing dreadlocks. Let’s step back and reign in this G 'n R worship we’re all supposed to have. It was a fine record, but completely overrated throughout the years. Yes, it looks better when stacked up against its genre contemporaries Poison and Skid Row. Wow. Not exactly The Beatles and Beach Boys trying to top each other, is it?  

So thanks again to RRTHUR for making me watch this awful shit, and I can’t wait for next year – with ANOTHER Aerosmith Greatest Hits coming out it’ll be a can’t miss awards ceremony as we watch them perform a 119-minute version of Crying featuring Steve-O making out with Liv Tyler the whole time until the very end when Joe Perry finally mumbles “I can’t fucking do this anymore” and blows his brains out on live tv. Can’t wait.

Sunday, September 12, 2021

Dafuck?

Wait - exactly how long has Bojangles had sausage that’s exactly 0 calories? 🤔🤷‍♂️





Underrated OFAH du Jour

This great bit always gets overlooked because about a minute later the most famous sitcom scene of all time occurs, but I’ve always loved this one too. 



Let's Do This!

Can Steve Martin and Martin Short just go ahead and do The Odd Couple already please? Please? PLEEEEEEASE???!!

Thoughts. I Have Them.

We keep saying America is hopelessly divided but I actually notice that for some reason the entire country has agreed that we all love Anna Kendrick and we all hate Anne Hathaway.