Ideas. I Have Them.

I wanna do a version of Gilmore Girls in which Lorelei is hideously ugly so nobody feels the need to stand there listening to her endless verbal diarrhea rambling on & on and people throughout Stars Hollow repeatedly tell her to shut the fuck up before she even gets going; all the episodes would be about four minutes long each. 

AN XMASTIME PRAYER CARD, by Xmastime 😔🙏

PREVIOUS PRAYER CARDS HERE

 

Have I Finally Found My Soul Mate?

Moi say Moi back in 2009:

I've always loved grocery shopping. The miles of food surrounding you, the colors, the choices, the piling it all into a cart, your own little world of food in a moving vehicle. There's probably something you could say here like "you can tell a lot about a person from what's in their shopping cart," but I don't give a shit about anyone else. I always liked mine.

When I was in college I started doing this thing where I would go to Harris Teeter and completely stuff the cart full of stuff. Complete shit I would drool over - all the frozen shit you're not supposed to eat, piles of biscuits, enough ground beef to make the cart sag with a groan. And then when I couldn't lay anything else on top...I would walk out. Leave. A dick thing to do, somebody had to eventually come put the shit back. I don't really know what possessed me to to it. I literally felt as if pulled by some force.

Meanwhile, just saw this at Wegmans:

 

Ah Yes...

...another fun little artsy-craftsy idea of mine that I'll never, ever actually do: the broken cutting board as a saw that ironically could have been what took it apart in the first place! (spoiler alert - it just snapped in the dishwasher; I think it was part of a whole set at Wegmans for like $9 or some shit)

But now thanks to my new BFF ChatGPT (hi ChatGPT 👋👋👋!!!) you can still enjoy looking at it as if it was real, you're welcome you very much!!

 

🔥🔥🔥🔥 TAKES WITH XMASTIME!!!!

Susanna Hoffs & Matthew Sweet do cover albums with a lot of songs that I'm glad someone's covering but their versions are just warmed-over blah versions that are, in a word, pointless.

An Open Letter to Musicians

Dear Musicians,

Can you please stop naming your album collections of demos/outtakes/alternate takes /etc with any version of "The __________Sessions", please?

I remain,

Xmastime

A Documentary I'd Like to See

Is this true? I consider myself to be a bit of a McDonald's history buff(oon) and have never heard of this; I'd easily watch 6 episodes of this shit on Netflix.

Xmastime Rocks 2026

Oh No There Is Some DEI Up in the DNI Today, by Xmastime

A Note on the President's Speech Today at the American Agriculture Roundtable in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin

Moi Say Moi back in 2020:

One curious thing about Trump is he seems incapable of pronouncing the word “industry” correctly.

If any reporters wanna see Trump's head pop right off his neck they should ask him on live tv why it's June 5, 2026 and he still doesn't appear to know how to pronounce "industry" correctly.

Xmastime Multiple Choice

I've gotten this text two days in a row; if I get it again how should I reply:

A. You walked in on me banging your mom
B. You told me you invented anilingus?
C. Cheers it’s me, Prince Andrew!

I will keep you posted - thank you, Earth! 

 

NYC Liberals Suddenly Remember How to Look Away & Mind Their @#$%ing Business After Trump Announces He’s Deporting the NYC Subway “WHAT TIME IS IT? IT’S SHOWTIME!” Kids

NEW XMASTIME SERIES

This is Why Women Hate Us (It Wasn't Me)

 

XMASTIME: Always Learning, Always Optimizing

ONE THING I'VE LEARNED AFTER TWO TRIPS TO THE DC IMPROV OVER THE COURSE OF A MONTH:

Whether a lower-tiered comic is 25, 35 or 105 the odds of them starting a sentence with "I'll tell you something about getting old..." are exactly 100%. 

100 Songs That Shaped Alternative Rock

I usually find myself screaming at these kind of things like a fucking lunatic but found this to be worthy of my time - I like 41 of these songs, and if you can guess the exact 41 then you win "41 SECONDS IN THE CLOSET WITH XMASTIME"!!!!

Good luck! Win or lose, you'll need it!

In America

It's becoming pretty obvious that even amongst the Boomers there is a Civil War raging: Clinton’s election in 1992 appeared to celebrate the maturing of the class of Boomers who actually enjoyed the 60s, maybe smoking a little weed listening to the Stones and celebrating people being free to be themselves, and Trump’s election seems to be the crowning achievement of the class of Boomers who spent the 60s bitching & moaning about the Boomers who were enjoying themselves and can now exact their revenge on them; they’re the guys in school who wanted to take names whenever the teacher left the room but now they’re the teacher.

Brilliant du Jour

The Incredible Luck of Being

Like me you’ve probably seen the countless “do you know how insane the odds were against you even ever existing?” articles out there, and they’re all great/spot on and go like this:

Each human female has about 300,000 eggs during the fertile period of her life. Each male ejaculation has about 300 million sperm. Thus each conception contains about a hundred thousand billion different possible combinations of DNA. In other words, there are a hundred thousand billion unique and different human beings that could result from each procreation event. Only one of those possible combinations led to each of you reading this article at this moment. Here’s a way to visualize that extremely tiny fraction. If you took a very long ruler that stretched from here to the planet Pluto, one inch of that distance would be you. The rest of the distance would be other possible human beings that could have been, but never were. Each of us has won a lottery with a hundred thousand billion different players.

But the article does have a nice little add-on I’ve rarely seen:

 

From the distant past, billions of years ago, to the distant future, billions of years ahead, the universe will never see another one of you.

The writer goes on to (lazily) mimic the old standard trope “you have a responsibility to make your life mean something!”, which actually flies directly in the face of its overarching sentiment of how vast both our cosmos and histories are.

In general I try to not be ruled by “make this life means something!” and instead try to live in reverence of any moment I can pause to remind myself how lucky I am to even be sitting here typing this; when it comes to questions about LIFE!! and what it all means I prefer to alternate between amusement and bemusement as much as possible while remembering what I said a few years ago:

Usually I’m comforted by the vastness of the Universe rendering my very being literally meaningless, but then sometimes I can’t help but wonder if maybe I really am the center of the Universe; why else would I even be here? 

In the end your life will mean absolutely nothing to anybody and anything; what is important is what it means right now.

America Will Continue to Get Worse Because We Refuse to Have the Stomach to Make It Stop Getting Worse

I’m hearing rumblings re: IF Trump does ever go away, what will we do with MAGA? It’s interesting because the whole Trump/MAGA thing feels new, but it will be 13 fucking years by the time 2028 rolls around and 13 fucking years is not chump change – 13 years is 37% of my adult life – 13 years of having to stand there and hope to NOT hurt their feelings, since that’s why we’re in this endless race to destroy the Earth in the first place, 13 years of gently brushing their hair and making sure they know they’re being “heard”, even though it turns out what they decided they wanted was to destroy themselves in the name of crushing libtards.

These are the same people who think it makes them look smart to bray “the government should be run like a business!” and yet we already know that if they’re presented with endless rows of factual data that clearly shows “Everything You’ve Chosen Has Ended Up Being the Worst Possible Decision” they will only double down on more terrible decisions no matter what, which from what I can tell is the exact opposite of how a business runs.

The two historical parallels in treating losers of conflicts are startlingly dissimilar in their executions: after the Civil War we decided to make the Confederacy feel as little pain as possible – if any – and stood by silently to let them run amok with their Lost Cause bullshit and it’s a fair point to say that 161 years after the Civil War we’re still paying the price for not dropping the hammer, as state-sponsored racial discrimination is on the rise and getting worse by the moment.

On the other hand, pretty much the second Hitler died, Naziism in Germany disappeared. It’s never spoken about in reverent tones like we do the Confederacy, there’s no version there of an entire industry based on promulgating Hitler’s fantasies the way there is in the American South & the Confederacy. Hitler failed and so Germans moved on with their lives while renouncing Naziism, but The American South has not done the same with the Confederacy and neither will MAGA, and the reason will be because we decided not to, that “the American people don’t have the stomach” for atonement.

But they do have the stomach for more self-destruction? Again, 13 years isn’t nothing – a coupla 13-year runs strung tother is all you’ll ever get in this life & that’s only if you’re lucky, so how many of them do you wanna spend spiraling into the same hole of despair over & over again waiting for some magical reward from Trump to appear?

MAGA needs to disappear like the Nazis but that’s not as easy to do when it's 100% based on feelings and daddy issues, and I’m *GUESSING* that a lot of time amongst liberal circles will be spent trying to figure how to incorporate MAGA into a different way of doing things without them automatically screeching about elite condescension etc etc & running right back to Daddy, who will tell them that THEY’RE the special ones and that their great reward is coming in just two short weeks; meanwhile, their absolute obsession with being victims will not release them back into the wild without a pathetic fight.

Which means that even if we ever do get done with Trump and settle back into a “normal” presidency, it will barely be a matter of months before we start hearing again about all the people in Rust Belt diners who are angry at being “left behind”, “forgotten” etc etc etc by elitist liberals (also, remember how quickly people went from being relieved to get back to a normal, boring president before starting to grumble about being bored?), even though it was their own Orange Daddy who spent 8 years happily swimming in the very swamp they pretend to detest, stuffing cash into his already-stuffed wallet as they repeatedly vote their own bank accounts into despair; no endless stream of impervious data will make them admit that they were wrong and convince them to be a part of the solution rather than the problem.

There needs to be a national humiliation, a “we fucking told you so, now shut the fuck up and let the adults run things again” moment, but we know that won’t happen because we’ll let ourselves believe that it’s more important to just move on without consequences, meaning we’re pretty much guaranteed to still be talking about these motherfuckers in the year 2187, only we won’t be in a country called the United States of America.

🚨🚨 EMERGENCY!!! Xmastime New Favorite Show!!! 🚨🚨

HAPPY BIRFDAY DANY!!!!! 🤗🥳🎂🥳

One of my all-time favorite people ever! 🤗❤️🕺