Turkey's Nest Memories, No Big Whoop...

...just me in my Aunt Pat wig checking out a Polaroid with a 2-time U.S. Poet Laureate (AND Watty!).

 

WE LOVE YOU GLEN MATLOCK! 🎸🕺❤️🇬🇧

The Glen Matlock documentary is out on Apple & it’s great, both as a (brisk!) rock doc and as redemption for the unsung hero of the band who was always treated like a punk rock Pete Best, but if Pete Best had written She Loves You and I Want to Hold Your Hand.

And now, a quote from Gary Kemp:

I never bought into Malcolm’s sort of PR that, you know, “Oh, we’ve kicked him out because he likes the Beatles.”I think what Malcolm was really saying is, “We kicked him out because he’s too musical.”

It proved to me then, at that point, that this was not a band that Malcolm had any interest in having longevity, musical development of any kind, or even staying together. He wanted to destroy it, and he destroyed it by putting this crazy guy in on bass who couldn’t even play bass.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "didn't you rather brilliantly say this exact same thing four years ago?"

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did: 

What if Malcolm McLaran had taken a minute from being obsessed with endless media stunts passing off the band as a bunch of untalented puppets of which he was the puppetmaster and instead realized holy crap, this is an incredible band with an amazing album?

The most blatant moment of course is him pushing the rest of the band to fire bass player Glen Matlock....WHO HAD ONLY WRITTEN ALL THE SONGS FOR THEM!

Underrated Scene from ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES

Del Boy lets Rodney sit in the chair Uncle Albert just pissed on. 🤣 

SPOILER ALERT: I'm Fucking Right Again.

Well gee whaddya know, check out how one company's doing after telling Trump to go fuck himself:

The boss of vintage navigation company MapQuest has revealed the stunning spike in downloads and usage its seen since defying Donald Trump.

Trump signed an executive order to change Lake Ontario to “Lake America” on Aug. 27. The same day, MapQuest posted a map on X with the lake’s original name, and the caption “We’re not changing it.”

MapQuest’s stance saw them rewarded with a major spike in downloads, now more than 1.5 million in under a week. They remain the No.1 app overall on the U.S. and Canadian Apple App Store on Wednesday.

It's amazing how everybody love to lecture everybody that if you just stand up to a bully they'll back down because they’re cowards but seem to forget it almost every time when it comes to this piece of shit.

"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), "didn't you fucking try to explain this to people over 20 years ago???!!"

Sigh. Yes I did, faithful readers, YES I did: 

6) I’ve always said that if I was on The Apprentice, let’s face of it, the odds of you actually winning are fairly slim. BUT when you get fired, instead of genuflecting “Thank you King Trump, thank you!” and slinking off, I’ve always thought you should fucking flip out, cause a scene. “WHAT? YOU’RE firing me? FUCK THAT, I’M firing YOU, motherfucker!!!” and try to flip that table over. Because you KNOW there’s a million hotshots around the world that HATE Trump and when they see the clip of you telling T-rump to go fuck himself, they’ll hire you for $200,000/year just to hang out, smoke cigars and tell everyone how you told Trump to go fuck himself.

Jeselnik to the Rescue

Anthony Jeselnik's one of my favorite comedians & a coupla months ago I was pleased to see that he had a book club going for which he doesn’t just list the books, he discusses each one for a full hour or so. Also, I was pleased to see I've read what he considers to be the great American novel, John Williams' Stoner, although I read it outside of America (Ireland) & found it pretty forgettable - to be honest have no idea what possessed me to pick it up in the first place back in 2019. 

ANYhoo he’s getting some love this weekend in The New York Times - or, as I call it, "The Times" - & I thought this in particular was interestingly hopeful:

What do your varied picks — ranging from Jim Thompson to Jenny Offill — have in common?
Two things: Most importantly, they’re short. I’m not naïve about the uphill battle I have in trying to get men to read literature. I feel like if I can keep things around 250 pages, then I can convince guys to try to read 12 books a year. They also have to be books that I’ve read and truly loved. I can’t sell it if I’m not passionate.
Why do you think men don’t read fiction?
This is a question that fascinates me. I think a lot of men view reading fiction as a frivolous waste of time. We’ve been conditioned to ignore the benefits of empathy. I think it’s a marketing problem. Reading should be sold to men like lifting weights for your brain.

In today's American race for every dude to be declared the biggest asshole in the world, it's nice to see him trying to reach men in particular.I 

ALSO!! While I appreciate David Sedaris & respect his career 100% agree with Jeselnik:

What’s a supposedly funny book that you just don’t find funny?
I have zero tolerance for David Sedaris.

ENJOY THE JESELNIK BOOK CLUB HERE!!!! 🤗

😜

Look...

....if there's not already a men's Big & Tall clothing store somewhere out there called Sirplus then I am really out of ideas for you people.

Ugh.

What’s interesting about Trump fans is that after 11 years now I haven’t once heard them say he didn't actually do any of the horrific things he’s accused of doing.

Yo Willie!

One day in the year 859549 when the extra-terrestrial archeologists find Planet Earth & dig up all our digital data they’ll note that the very first thing I ever uploaded to YouTube was ALF farting, and this pleases me. 

Xmastime Multiple Choice

A. How the fuck do you know?
B. Good news guys, in the future there will be resident parking.
C. Our hopes & dreams have a really hit a new floor.

I'll Say This.

It's de riguer/urban legend to subscribe to the theory that while only a coupla hundred people ever saw The Velvet Underground play almost all of them would be inspired to start their own bands due to the band’s apparent simplicity, and while I always have & always will consider this to be somewhat true, I've also noticed that from what I can tell exactly 0 of those bands have ever included a viola, which is curious since it's easily the most distinguishable/iconic sound of the band.

Random Xmastime Reprise

A guy at work today said there's nothing funnier than swearing at kids so of course this alltime Xmastime classic from 2008 popped into mind. 🤗🤣 #xmastimefilms #vintage

NEW XMASTIME SERIES: Numbers Other Than 69 That Are Sexy

NUMBER: 82
REASON IT'S SEXY: looks like a dwarf getting a blowjob

A Few Thoughts on Episode 7 of Season 4 of TED LASSO

WARNING: THESE ARE ALL AS I WROTE THEM IN REAL TIME I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS SHIT, TOUGH LUCK LOSERS

Wow, developing some female characters outside of each other?? gee it only took 7 episodes
Believe sign in reverse colors from men’s?? (Check)
Danny Rojas cartwheel line from Rebecca legit lol
Scooter Roy YES PLEASE 🤣🤣🤣 WHY DID THEY END THE ROY ON A SCOOTER THING??? How hilarious would it be watching him have to use it all season??? argh blown opportunity here
I don’t feel like Roy or Dani Rojas would have a super sleazy agent? wouldn't Roy be one of those "fuck that I'm not paying some loser 10%" guys?
Ok the hour doctor’s hair style is officially a problem.
Who is this little kid hanging around and I can’t understand a word he fucking says
Keeley helped Ted with his online dating profile is nice but no Sunny Charlie scene
I can’t do anymore of the Gemma staring at Coach chilton
Roy and doctor was that the nicest breakup of all time ever?
Seriously who the fuck is this little kid?
Do we know why beard and Jane broke up?
Tracy Ullman is just incredible. The her/rebecca/higgins phone call shit was hilarious.

Fucking Pathetic.

RFK Jr. standing by as a toddler tries to destroy his uncle’s legacy - which includes writing a book titled Profiles in Courage - is about as on-brand for the Republican party in 2026 as you can get.

Right on Schedule.

We can make a grand bargain with AI and have happy, fulfilling lives during the few short decades we’re on this Earth, or we can destroy ourselves in the arena fighting for scraps we’ll never be allowed to taste anyway. Take a wild guess which one we’ll decide to do. - Xmastime just a coupla weeks ago

Just a coupla weeks ago I wondered if this is the worst possible time in American history for AI to erupt because of our singular determination to be as stupid as possible when it comes to regulations et al and hey take a wild guess at how quickly you-know-who stepped in to assure us that yes, we will be handling the situation as stupidly as possible thank you very much:

…once Americans fully realize that many of the industry’s reigning oligarchs are warning that we all need to protect ourselves from unwanted by-products of the AI boom that might range up to the extinction of the human race, voters could quickly decide that November should be an extinction event for the people running the country.

President Trump made it extremely clear that he did not want Congress or even the AI industry itself to slow it all down or institute “guardrails” to avoid a catastrophe. In five separate Truth Social posts, the president denounced AI fears as a “HOAX” and basically said “Hands off!”

Awesome.

5 Things We All are Just Gonna Go Ahead & Agree Never Happened

The final season of Roseanne

The U.S. versions of Beatles albums

Michael Jordan on the Wizards

Zima

Go Set a Watchman

ROCK 101: Don’t Bore Us, Get to the Chorus

Because I am a bit of a musical genius who is only now beginning to understand my own responsibility for the very future of recorded music, I’ve been flirting recently with the idea of making songs that are completely made of up the choruses only. We’re already living in an ADHD culture for whom a 7-second Tik Tok pushes the bounds of people’s attention spans, so why make everybody sit through verses/bridges/middle 8s etc when we can just get to the goddam chorus already?

A FEW QUESTIONS:
1. do I write & record the full song first like I normally would and then cut out everything but the choruses?
2. do I write the song as I normally would, but then only record the choruses?
3. do I only bother writing the choruses in the first place?
4. can a chorus technically and spiritually be a chorus if its all by itself?

I will keep you posted on this, you're welcome very much.

9pm at Wegmans

Fuck These Assholes

Moi Say Moi, back in 2023:

I don't know exactly when funny people decided there's some honor in not being funny, so I'd like to respectfully suggest they go fuck themselves.

I've been bitching for years about tv shows that call themselves comedies but aren’t funny at all; The Bear is the biggest offender, but I'd put Bill Hader’s Barry in there too (other than the hilarious Hank of course). Louis CK's Louie seemed to go out of its way to NOT be funny; I tried watching Widow's Bay for 20 minutes and not only did it fail to deliver anything even remotely funny at all, but it also didn’t even seem to be trying to.

To be clear, I’m not talking about shows that just aren’t funny, I’m talking about shows that seem to go out of their way to not be funny & yet clog up the Best Comedy Series category at the Emmys every year; it’s like when a politician realizes they have a better chance of winning an election if they just switch parties, without actually changing anything about themselves or what they stand for. So it brings me a bit of hope to see that of course after about 15 year of my bitching the Universe is finally starting to catch up to me on this non-funny “comedy” bullshit:

Future academics may pinpoint 2023, the year “The Bear” won the Emmy for outstanding comedy series, as the year the sitcom entered hospice care.

On the outstanding comedy series Emmy nominee “Margo’s Got Money Troubles,” money troubles are the least of it. Margo has to deal with an unexpected pregnancy, her violence-prone mother, her father’s drug addiction and the challenges of fighting for custody of her child when her occupation as a sex worker is revealed by the vengeful father of her child. Are you laughing yet? (That the creator of this “comedy” is David E. Kelley, the mind behind such hilarity as “Boston Legal” and “Big Little Lies,” tells you more than this piece can.)

Another nominee, “Nobody Wants This,” repeatedly detaches its star-crossed lovers, a rabbi and a sex-and-dating-podcasting shiksa, with the precision of a mohel’s izmel, while “Hacks” has tortured the two women at its center by setting them against each other, turning the show into a bitter, toxic take-no-prisoners fight for most of Season 4. Oscar and Felix fought on “The Odd Couple,” it’s true, but their fights never carried over beyond one or sometimes two commercial breaks.

The industry has always turned its nose up at comedy, but then why pathetically latch onto it just to win some shirty awards nobody really cares about? If making comedy that actually gets some laughs is so beneath you, why do you need its warm embrace during awards season so badly?

What You See When You Walk in On a Gang Planning One More Bank Heist Before Getting Out of the Goddam Game for Good