Great Moments in College Paper History

Xmastime Gives Blood for His Paper, 😔
Dr. Lund, 1995

 

Happy Birfday to Xmastime Living Legend SISTATIME! 🤗😜🤣🤣🕺❤️🕺

TRUMP REVEALS HIS WORDLE STARTER WORD

Promises. I Make Them.

Week One of an Xmastme presidential administration will include an executive order stating that the country must be given a warning anytime a Jennifer-centered episode of Family Ties episode is coming up in the rotation.

 

Priorities. They're Important.

NETFLIX
DOGS
MUSIC

You know I wanna say "books" but let's be real people it can get real fucking quiet out there ya'll.

 

In Case You'd Like Your Mind Blown

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Dear Diary

Dear Diary:

I'm doing a Top 5 Beatles songs playlist with Marley & Watty and I think this is gonna be the coming-out-party for my putting She Loves You in place of I Want to Hold Your Hand, which up until it finally hit me a year ago had been, in a word, unthinkable

Love, 
YOUR PAL XMASTIME 

Things I’ve Learned in This Thing Called Life, Vol. 1

If you wanna make a teenage kid instantly appear before you, this is the text to send.

Fuck This Asshole

I'm almost exhausted from trying to explain his to you people every 10 minutes but John Roberts is an absolute piece of shit who not only is corrupt but is stupid enough to have decided Donald Trump is the man he should attach his eternal legacy to.

Imaginary Conversatons in the Recording Studio with The Barber, Vol. I

Me: wow I got to that first chorus in 26 seconds!
The Barber: should be at the 2nd one by then.

Xmastime Brilliance du Jour

Wouldn't it just be cheaper to make twice as many cups instead of these heat things; I'd assume once you’re making like a million cups a day then it's fairly easy to make 2 million, certainly easier & cheaper than having to make a whole new part, and the second cup would act as insulation against the heat of your coffee.

YOU'RE WELCOME, BUSINESS!!

100%.

With apologies for making anybody watch this shit, this is what we in the business call "walking the dog on this super-hypocrite fake Christian shithead Santa Claus-looking motherfucker.

Great Moments in College Professor Comments History

Dr. Kitterman
Fall 1992

Never-minding the sophomoric writing (dafuck was I was I writing about The Brady Bunch for?)(well, I guess I could actually read the paper to find out but that's not fucking happening I can tell you that right now), how is it possible that it looks like I wrote left-handed in 1992? While sliding off a desk?

Paging Corey Hart

The other night I was waiting for my Uber when I suspected he must be sitting in the car idling about 20 yards away; the car was far enough away that I couldn’t read the license plate to tell for sure if it was him, so I put on my glasses see all the way from where I was standing with my bags.

The prescription glasses I need to see things from far away being sunglasses meant that once I’d confirmed it was him & approached his car, the driver was scrambling out of his seat in a hurry to help me with my bags, WAY more than any driver has ever been with me, even the helpful ones, and of course it then dawned on me...

...this motherfucker thinks I’m blind.

I calculated whether or not I’d be able to pull off pretending to be blind for the entire ride, 30 minutes, and quickly dismissed the notion as potentially mean-spirited towards the driver (I also wondered what would happen if he said “hey, my mother’s blind”, at which point I’d be trapped/fucked) so I decided to invest all that energy into typing up this tasty little nugget of a story for you people.

He got five stars.

THE END.

Questions. I Have Them.

I just overheard someone order a muffin “to go” & I’m like…aren’t ALL muffins “to go”? 🤔🤷‍♂️

Sometimes I Do Not Relish Being Right. This is Not One of Those Times.

I can barely muster up the energy anymore to tell you people how right I am all the time after trying to warn you people for years that the Republican Party's insane daddy issues will be the end of us all but hey whaddya know someone's finally starting to catch up (yawn):

Trump has made his daddy issues everyone’s problem, and — as evidenced by the fact that he’s currently beefing with the Pope, father of fathers — he can’t keep himself from making them worse.

Identifying with the oppressor was a habit observed by Sigmund Freud’s daughter, Anna, when she observed World War I veterans and noticed that in processing violence and trauma, they came to unconsciously mimic their tormentors, adopting their bearing and their behaviors as a way to feel control. Donald Trump learned this from his father, and from the father figures who followed; he learned to leverage it for his own purposes. The result is — well, we can all see the result: A president who salves his father’s wound by making sure the rest of us never forget how much it hurts.

Xmastime Films

XMASTIME NOTES ON: Pointing Out to Children That All the Songs They Love are About @#%ing

Watch Previous Xmastime Films Here

Wrong Words are Funny

Yesterday my goddaughter accidentally said "hyperbolic chamber" when she meant "hyperbaric chamber" & I've been laughing ever since, imagining that the bellicose bragging one would do in a hyperbolic chamber would be that much more thunderous.

Another Country Western Song Title in Search of a Song

Daddy Said You'll Never Be a Real Man Until You've Googled Todd Packer The Office

SEE PREVIOUS SONGS HERE

Xmastime Films

XMASTIME NOTES ON: Suicide Prevention line

Watch Previous Xmastime Films Here