Man in Apartment Uses Four Cooking Appliances at the Same Time, Will Probably Get a Goddam Medal

Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?

Whenever I'm on a train & we're stopped next to the train going in the opposite direction I don’t let myself look over at the other train, scared I'll fall in love at a glance through the window & be haunted by her for the rest of my life.

Desperate for a Distraction from his Disastrous Iran War, Trump Orders DOJ to Reopen Landry Clarke Murder Case

Questions About THE OFFICE. I Have Them.

Jim spent the entire run of The Office pranking Dwight & we're led to think "oh, poor Dwight" as Jim seemingly continues his undefeated run of humiliating Dwight every change he gets. But in the second episode of the entire series, here’s Jim excitedly telling us about a phone call he’s about to make with his biggest client that amounts to a full ¼ of his yearly commission:

This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right?

Soon after, while Jim’s dealing with some Michael Scott bullshit, Dwight swoops in & steals the call and the commission from under Jim’s Richard Nixon-ish nose. Instead of even getting upset, Jim merely hands Dwight the aforementioned trophy. Doesn’t this put the whole “poor Dwight” thing into perspective? With one stroke Dwight took 25% of Jim’s entire yearly commission, thousands of dollars as well as a threat to Jim’s very livelihood, yet we’re always supposed to believe Jim is “winning” some war with Dwight? Would Dwight even give a shit about Jim’s stupid pranks if he knows he can just take a huge chunk of Jim’s money any time he wants? Could it be that he lets himself get pranked again & again, therein keeping Jim from suspecting another attack on his bank account/livelihood? 🤔🤷‍♂️

Here's to the American Library

All the way back in 2013 I mentioned a library in Prince George County, MD, using Monopoly to help teach kids about financial literacy:

The players, ages 11 to 26, may come to get away from the stresses of life. But the founder of the group hoped they would see parallels between Monopoly and the prospects of their success: Both are games of choice and chance.

“We’re trying to teach them financial literacy, but we don’t tell them that,” said Kim Carrington, the Prince George’s substitute teacher and parent activist who started the program. “We tell them what a great game it is.”

And today I see this about a library in Prince George County, MD:

Brittanie Brooks walked into a library in Prince George’s County, Md., breezing past the shelves of books, a printing station and a computer lab. Her destination was a study room, now converted into a no-cost grocery store where seniors on fixed incomes, laid-off federal workers and others in need can shop.

Ms. Brooks surveyed the selection: rows of cereal, crackers and pancake mix stacked on the shelves; pizza and chicken in the freezer; and baskets of apples and oranges, onions and bell peppers. Then she mentally calculated what she would need to feed her five children for the week, settling on pasta, rice and chicken — staples she could stretch. It was all free.

She was among the first customers at the Fairmount Five Market, which opened in May at the back of the Fairmount Heights Branch Library. In June, a second free grocery store, District 7 Fresh Market, opened a few miles away at the Spauldings Branch Library.

My questions is, how are these amazing things happening in Price George libraries? Are they happening anywhere else? Why not? Why is there not a large national task force trying to make these things happen in every town in America?

Idea for Sale

Dear Democrats Currently Fighting Against Robert Kennedy Jr.'s Idiotic MAHA Shit:

You may buy from the saying I just came up with so that you may then print billion$$$$:

You can't have MAHA without MWA-ha-ha!

You're welcome,
Xmastime

Documentary I'd Pay to Watch du Jour

Two solid, no-nonsense hours about McCartney's solo on Taxman:

…although EMI engineer Geoff Emerick provided a withering account of Harrison's initial efforts to work out a solo, this was more reflective of Emerick's personality and is not borne out in McCartney and Harrison's recollections. McCartney said that he was discussing his idea for the solo with Harrison, and Harrison invited him to play it on the recording. Harrison said he was happy to have the song recorded for Revolver and was not fussed about who played the guitar solo. He added: "I was pleased to have him play that bit on 'Taxman'. If you notice, he did like a little Indian bit on it for me."

Lots to unpack here guys, let's make this happen!!!

"Wild"? Judgey McJudgerson Much, Abe?

Current Events

One big reason Trump has such terrible ideas on things such as tariffs and international treaties is that he's lived in the United States since 1946 and somehow seems to have no idea what a superpower is & both the responsibility and the magnanimity that must come with being one.

A Few Thoughts on Episode 2 of Season 5 of TED LASSO

WARNING: THESE ARE AS I TYPED THEM, I WILL NOT BE EDITING THIS SHIT, TOUGH LUCK LOSERS

49 MINUTES long??!?!!?!? Grrr
Ted’s living above May’s bar now??? oooh I love it!!! What took so long??!?!
They need to recreate the American Werewolf in London opening pub scene. I can’t believe it’s taken this long for me to think of it to be honest.
Rebecca calls him “Leslie”; How can u call someone Leslie when you could be calling them “Higginzzzzzzzza!!!”???
Why are they going so much out of their way to tell us Higgins has to go thru this 6-inch thick binder & summarize it for Rebecca when he could just ChatGPT that shit in about a minute?
Rebeccas not gonna just lie when shes confronted about whether she ever considered hiring a woman instead of ted? Really? No wonder women get 70 cents on the dollar!!!
Is she going out of her way to say "Leslie" now? Dafuck?
You know what they shoulda started the whole season with this episode. BLAMMO! Open in Rebecca’s office and Super shoicker Ted surprise entrance!!! That woulda been better, woulda launched the entire season in about 3 minutes!!! Arghhh!!
Which reminds me, they really need to Chuck Cunningham Ted's wife & kid. Enough already, let's all just pretend they never happened and move the fuck on.
ROY KENT!!!!! FINALLY!!!! “You, Paddington fucking Bear” home run right off the bat
Oooooh Roy addicted to pills yikes 😬 camon Ted writers nobody wants to go thru this
Is “Alice Chilton” supposed to be an homage to Alex Chilton? I will look for clues! You KNOW Ted and Beard are huge Big Star fans.
What happened with Ted and Beard? Wasn’t Ted not at his wedding? Hmm.
Roy’s “your boyfriend’s here” = automatic comedy gold, this one gets funnier the older I get
I love that Beards huge picture in the hall leers into the womens locker room when the door is opened. Super creepy.
Is Ted Lasso the best at rocking the visor cap since Steve Spurrier?
Roys thing was sounding gross but…beef tallow? Mmmmmmm yes please?
I hope they keep up the weird Beard/Roy/Ted thing all season, instead of instantly crumbling like they normally do on these plot things
What exactly is Keelys role on the womens team? What happened to the business Rebecca handed her?
Not only do they still seem to have no idea what to do with Roy & Keeley but theyre basically standing around saying it themselves now? What?
I know the assistant Chilton coach is supposed to be the new star we love but so far she’s all one note? Is she even a good coach?
Wait then all of a sudden she’s the Michael Jordan of empathy, as soon as some player gets hurt?
The locker room reveal at the end got me. I am not made of stone, people.
I cant believe im saying this but is this a great episode? All the great Ted Lasso beats, all the way thru!! THE SHOULDA DITCHED THE OPENING EPISODE AND STARTED WITH THIS ONE!!!
Dammit the Beard/ted/roy conundrum is solved already grrr.
And wouldn’t ted hiring Beard back piss off Chilton after the whole big she’s staying now scene? How could it not? Why would she stick around, oh good not only did I get passed over he for the main job but now im an even lower assistant?

XMASTIME RECOMENDS du Jour

THE PERFECT BACKGROUND TV WHILE YOU"RE WORKING: early 1980s NBA basketball on YouTube.

And yes everybody, you ARE very welcome! 

Sometimes I Scare Myself with My Own Genius

Should-be Hold Steady song lyric:

"And she said man everybody freaked out The Ramones first record
Was only 29 minutes long but they forget Revolver wrapped it up in 35,
And then she puked Mountain Dew Baja Midnight Slurpee all over my Chucks."

PREVIOUS HOLD STEADY GENIUS FROM XMASTIME HERE

I Will Now Blow Your Little Mind, You're Welcome Very Much

Paul McCartney’s brilliant Eleanor Rigby rather famously brings the two main characters together at the very end of its tragic story...meanwhile, early on during Seinfeld’s run Larry David started his famous plot device of bringing all the characters from the different plotlines together at the end of every episode, so I guess what I’m asking is was Larry David somehow influenced by Eleanor Rigby, meaning a goddam Beatle is partly responsible for the insane success of what's generally considered to be the greatest sitcom of all time? 🤔🤯

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Luke-Warm Takes with Xmastime!!! 🔥

The Dundies being a stone-cold classic episode of The Office means that even while the show remained incredibly consistently funny over its entire run, it's possible that two of its all-time Top 10 Classic episodes came within its first seven episodes (Diversity Day is the other one).

This has been a luke warm take with Xmastime. 

To Whomever Did This:

I will find you. 😡

 

"Xmastime, stop trying to make torn short hems happen! It's not going to happen!"

Sometimes I Scare Myself with My Own Genius

Should-be Hold Steady song lyric:

"And she said man I'm glad the last song The Ramones ever played live
Was a Dave Clark song but it should've been Glad All Over,
And then she puked Fanta Hibiscus Berry Slurpee all over my Chucks."

PREVIOUS HOLD STEADY GENIUS FROM XMASTIME HERE

Happy Friday the 14th Everybody! 🤗🤣🇬🇧

I'll Say This.

Roy Kent mouthing along to the words of this dreadful love song reminds us that Ted Lasso has relentlessly battered away at this "tough guys weeping along to rom-coms" trope & the fact is that the number of times the joke hasn’t been fucking hilarious is zero. 

Xmastime So Sayeth, So Sayeth Xmastime