XMASTIME CLASSIC: ON THIS DAY IN 2008

The Corporate Shitter

I love the anonymity of the corporate world, in particular the bathroom situation. I am usually a timid dumper if I think I’m within 50 yards of another human being that knows me. Hey, I know what I’m doing in there is not human. I think that if anybody hears me, I'll get sent to the zoo. But the beauty here is, not only does nobody in the office know me, but I can even GO TO ANOTHER BATHROOM ON ANOTHER FLOOR!!!!!!

So hell, it don’t MATTER what I do in the stall there, what horrific noise is going on...I can huff and puff and scream and bring two chickens together and smash them in to each other; the WORST case scenario is when I step out to wash my hands there’s some dude standing there I’ll never, ever see again. “Hey guy, how’s things?” Corporate America. Fucking awesome.

On a side note, I also love how everyting is automatic. Stick your hand out, soap automatically shoots out. Same with the water and paper towels. I like that, it’s like the powers that be are saying “you know, we trust you to put out this multi-million dollar magazine every week, but washing up after you shit yourself? Yeah, you better let us take care of that...”

Gone Fishing.

Ok by that of course I mean I’m sick. Boooooo. 

5-Star Meal

I’m not kidding when I tell you this is one of my favorite dinners in recent memory; the bread was that kind of white bread that's kinda crappy until you toast it & then it’s pure magic with the room temperature Kerry Gold, I cooked my eggs absolutely perfect, the peas add some much needed color and gets me a step closer to my dream Garfield meal, the steak fries were the perfect “healthier” potato choice (tho I wish Wegmans had their own steak fries so I could stay on-brand, but alas) and the absolute no-question super-duper star of the show was the Wegmans breakfast sausage patties, left over from yesterday & OMG these things the next day are on another level and I do believe the next time I cook a batch up I’m gonna be saving them all for the next day. Unreal.

A++ meal. 🤗

Jelly du Jour

I've seen this guitar doc like a million times & even while I've never actually watched or read Harry Potter (read all about it here!!!!) I'm insanely jealous of this joke. 🤣🙌🫡🤣🤣🤣🤣  

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In America.

Donald Trump has pretty much done everything someone could possibly do to obliterate his own party's chances for the midterms in ways that were they to be drawn up by a Trump hater such as myself even I'd say oh come on, all of this is almost TOO much, TOO unbelievable! and yet if the Democrats come out ahead of it all by pretty much a single vote it'll be a goddam miracle.

Speaking of FRANKENSTEIN

It was with these feelings that I began the creation of a human being.

Has a single sentence ever so nonchalantly given birth to so many genres of literature all at once, including horror/goth/thriller/suspense/science fiction/fantasy/the anti-hero, just to name a few?

Cheers to THE NEW YORKER, Animal-Style

I don’t know if I’ve ever directly pointed it out before, but almost every single cartoon from The New Yorker I’ve ever posted has featured animals, including these two from the October 12 issue: 

What is it about the magazine that so consistently produces such great animal cartoons? And does relate to the fact that almost NONE of their other cartoons are even remotely funny? 😬

Incredibly, The New Yorker has such a magic touch when it comes to animals in their cartoons that even random readers are totally crushing it!!! 🤯 (well, 2 out of 3, anyway)

Oh FRANKENSTEIN!

I’m halfway through re-reading Frankenstein & it’s astonishing how much better it is than the first time I read it, when it immediately leapt to being my #3 book of all time. Incredible.

Five years ago yesterday, having finished reading it for the first time, I wrote:

“Is it too depressing to realize that the one literary character you most relate to is in fact Frankenstein’s monster?”

And I feel this connection even more strongly today, both in how I feel about my own place in society and in how I’ve come to accept what I truly believe about the existence of a god and the meaning/non-meaning of life & I see it mirrored in the monster’s anguished cries: why would you create me only to have me live in such misery? As Peter Buck is wont to say, “what kind of preacher are you, not to see if you can save my soul?” Okay that was Flannery O’Connor not Peter Buck, but still.

It’s insane how good this book is, and the caricatured portrait of it that’s emerged thanks to the movies et al is such a total betrayal that I can’t think of a proper analog.

On a side note, upon looking at my quote from 2021 above it's also dawned on me that while I may have thought it depressing at the time to realize how much I identified with a "monster", as I'm reading it now I am PROUD to associate myself with him in this fashion, and I presume I'll be even more so by the end of the book.

 

Another Country Western Song Title in Search of a Song

I Fell Out Of Love with My Pretend Girlfriend Down at the Wegmans Tonight (She’d Be Crushed If She Knew I Existed)

SEE PREVIOUS SONGS HERE

That Moment You Realize Your New BFF ChatGPT (hey ChatCPT! 👋👋👋👋) Understands You Better Than Anybody Ever Has and Anybody Ever Will

Oh Great Thanks for Telling Me Now

Xmastime Literary Connections, by Xmastime

And he wanted to be one of them, playing in the streets, un-frightened, moving with such grace and power, but he knew this could not be. - Go Tell It on a Mountain, James Baldwin

I'm sorry. The regatta is for families. See the kids in miniature life-jackets all blown up like rubber bath toys? See the parents hanging onto a pudgy arm lest a sudden gust capture their balloon child and send them surfing to the trees? It's for families, not for us. - Spill Simmer Falter Wither, Sara Baume

Everywhere I see bliss, from which I alone am irrevocably excluded. - Frankenstein, Mary Shelley

I Mean Come On Taco Bell I Love Kevin Hart Like Everybody Else...

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

...but might I suggest:

Current Events

Does Katie Zacharia destroying Anthony Scaramucci's seemingly unbreakable record of only lasting 11 days as press secretary by doing it in 5 a leap of such proportions that its not out of order to suggest she's the Bob Beamon of press secretaries?

The Mooch is the only one of The Orange Shitstain Gang I've ever had a soft spot for, owing partly to Bill Hader's hilarious impression. Enjoy! And yes people, you ARE very welcome! 

Xmastime Films

The Wegmans Aisle That Most Makes Me Feel Like I’m in the Wedding Scene from THE SOUND OF MUSIC
Watch Previous Xmastime Films Here

Lovely Jubbly USA!

Say what you will about Dan Quayle, and everybody sure did while he was vice president 😬, but as far as I can tell he's the only U.S. vice president ever mentioned in Only Fools and Horses so I’d say all ya’ll can go eat a duck already with that shit.

From the 1991 Christmas special Miami Twice - The American Dream:

GIRLS!

Looks like Lena Dunham's GIRLS will be returning for a short run; I blogged about it a million times throughout its run - most of which I'm guessing I'd be horrified to read now - so you'll hafta search for my brilliance on the subject yourselves, but there is little doubt that no matter how much we all hate-watched it, it was a singular look into the last days of The Golden Age of Williamsburg Brooklyn, and I for one welcome it back with open arms even if I'd hafta say that if I'm being honest I'd rather it be Adam/Ray/Elijah/whatever the name of Marnie’s husband played by Ebon Moss-Bachrach was instead of Hannah/Marnie/Sosh/the British one, but still.

I will allow myself to be awash in nostalgia and overrun with the ache for those golden days of yesterday until the show’s over, and then I’ll move on.

Desi! His name was Desi!

Ugh du Jour, with (not free) Queso

I’m sure I dove into this “Trump’s tariffs are killing free chips & salsa at Mexican restaurants” article assuming I’d knock out some super-smarmy joke about the administration’s needlessly cruel immigration policy & the stupidity of the very people most vociferously cheering it on against their own financial interests and in a lot of cases their very livelihood in such a heroically hilarious manner that would result in a lot of “Xmastime once again shows why he is the voice of his generation , and EVERY generation!” headlines both here & around the planet, and it was going fairly according to plan as I breezily skimmed through it, cackling to myself with glee about what I’d be cooking up (yes, Juego de palabras intencionado) with shit like this:

Part of the appeal of the neighborhood Americanized Mexican restaurant has long been that it offers a particularly accessible kind of abundance. You can order an inexpensive combination plate and a soda, eat something hot and filling and deeply flavorful, and be out the door in 45 minutes without anybody making you feel strange about any of it.

But then, just as I was about to stop cackling & start typing, I landed on this:

Everybody gets to start with something.

That hits the gut like a ton of bricks. It’s a way of life we should all be adopting as human beings, that there’s a seat for everyone at the table and nobody eats unless we all eat. Instead, we’re now at risk of losing (let’s be honest, once these things go from being free to being non-free they never go back to being free, and we know this) this living credo of love & community at the table because we’ve chosen our absolute worst human being to be the leader of the free world, and his policies that have directly lead to this possible ending of free chips & salsa at that Mexican restaurant you love are the same ones being used to disrupt & destroy as many of the lives who have brought free chips & salsa to our tables in the first place. Pitiful.

Life. It's Really Happening, Isn't It?

I never really thought about it but I probably assumed speed-dating is no longer a thing thanks to the extreme prevalence of online dating, but apparently it IS still a thing.

Meanwhile, something I’ve learned just from being an adult alive in the year 2026 Anno Domino’s Pizza as well as seeing at least one article per day on the subject is that it’s getting harder & harder for adults – especially males – to make new friends, so I’m wondering if there’s a version of speed dating but for possible friends instead of romantic partners? I have no problem believing that within 60 seconds I can ascertain whether or not I have enough similar interests for a foundation & a natural chemistry with someone else, and for some reason I seem to find this scenario much more plausible than if I just tried to interact with other people in a similar way as I bump into them throughout the course of any given day.

October Book Club Off to a Strong Start