Happy Birthday to Me (Asshole)

Today's my birthday. 34. Ugh. I guess when someone hits 34, they should reflect a bit on who they are. Upon reflecting, I've discovered SURPRISE! I'm a loser. Great.

1) I’m funny. Actually, VERY funny. I am, more than likely, the funniest person you’ll meet in your lifetime. I’m quick, I’m witty, I’ll do highbrow, I’ll do lowbrow, I can do it all. I can make kids laugh, I can make your grandma laugh. I’m funnier than 90% of any crap you’ll see on tv or at the movies.

HOWEVER

I have somehow surrounded myself with people that are funnier. I can think of 5 close friends right off the bat that are funnier than me. As funny as I am, I’m not even the funniest in my family – my brother says about 17 words a day, and each one is funnier than the 14 hours a day I’m doing cartwheels with a clown face screaming “HI-YOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!” at people. In high school, I was voted the Class Clown. The year before, my brother was voted “Most Intelligent”, “Most Athletic” and “Most Likely to Succeed”, so obviously I decided that by getting Class Clown the next year I’d complete the coveted “Senior Superlative Grand Slam” for the family. Nice. Jokes on him, tho – he may have grown up to be rich, successful, with a wife and kid but I SERIOUSLY doubt he invented the peanut butter & Dorito* on Jewish rye sandwich.

* EDITOR - turns out Xmastime's brother DID invent the Dorito.

2) I’m empathetic. I genuinely care about people, about their plight/woes etc. If someone is sad or has a problem, they know they can come to me and tell me all about it and I will lend an ear.

HOWEVER

Guess what? I’m not listening. I actually listen and process about 10% of what I hear from people throughout the course of a day. I’ll nod my head and say “man” or “fucking A” every so often, but inside I’m either singing some song in my head or thinking about the next “classic” I’m gonna drop on someone. Just today I interviewed some girl to work for me and I went from “Mr. Roboto” to “Endless Love” to yet another fucking riff about “why haven’t sharks taken over the world yet?” Christ. I hired her, she left, and I have no idea where she worked previously, if she even graduated high school or if she’s Nathalie Holloway.

3) I am great in bed – I’m selfless, I never fail to completely satisfy the lady, and to make things even better I am an amazing kisser due to my perfect lips. Not once in my sexual career have I not left the woman quivering in a mess of fuck-pudding totally in awe of my acrobatics.

HOWEVER

Much like my once being able to suck my own big toe, the way things are looking this “amazing talent” will never see the light of day again. Of course, as they say, if I could suck my own big toe why would I even bother leaving the house?

4) I can cook. I LOOOOOOVE cooking. I read the books, I watch the Food Network all day, I love talking about cooking, thinking about cooking, I would rather be cooking right now. I like to sit people down and nurture them, feeding them food I’ve crafted with love.

HOWEVER

With all this “expertise” I can cook two things - fried chicken and a 5-lb meatloaf, both of which if you ever had 2 helpings your heart would immediately seize. To make matters worse I’m working on a batter to deep-fry meat loaf with; this way all you have to do is send in your RSVP to one of my dinner parties and your arteries will explode into ribbons.

5) I spend a lot of time thinking about those people that need our help the most: the poor, those who never know where their next dollar is coming from, living what Thoreau called “lives of quiet desperation.” I spend a lot of time thinking about the poorest, sickest of us; the unlucky, abandoned and forsaken and rail with rage as I figure out what I can do to help these people.

HOWEVER

Unfortunately it turns out that i AM one of these people, so...unless doings things like calling a bag of sunflower seeds a “meal” or pretending to be furious about losing the $20 you SWEAR you had in your pocket on your way over so that everyone else has to buy you beer is really helping the poor, homeless etc, I guess I’m not really helping things much. Well, at least not on a global scale, I reckon. Think globally, act locally, gimme a fucking dollar.

6) I’m really great at remembering people’s birthdays. I meet someone and they mention their birthday, then BAM! I got it locked in for life. Every year on your birthday I will call or write to you, making sure you know that on your day I’m thinking of you and wish you the best.

HOWEVER

These birthday greetings are usually accompanied with 20 minutes of “boy, can you believe I remembered your birthday? Wow, aren’t I something? How bout that! Are you right now thinking how wonderful I am because I remembered your birthday??!?! Wow!!” Christ. I remember a birthday, and I act like I’m The Amazing Randy pulling a gopher out of my ass “wow!! Look at that!!!!!” And of course I don’t “remember” to buy you a gift or buy you a round at the bar; surely my remembering your day is enough of a gift. Jesus fucking Christ.

7) One time about 14 years ago I saved a little girl’s life – she was about 3 or 4 I guess, and I saw a truck barreling around a turn in the road and could see that she was oblivious to it. I felt like I was in slow motion as I sprinted towards her from my own yard, I could vaguely hear her mother’s terrifying screams from the porch as my heart pounded out of my chest and I raced to her while she played with a doll that had long orange yarn for hair – I can still hear her singing something, I don’t know what, while the truck bore down on her. At the VERY last possible second I yanked her into the ditch and the truck sped by without touching her.

HOWEVER

Of course I’m fucking lying – one time 14 years ago I was driving down the road, heard a THUMP!! And in my rear-view mirror was a dog with four feet straight up in the air. I freaked out and sped on without stopping. Ass. Hole.


Alright I'm depressing myself now. Anyways, I'm sure 34 is gonna be Xmastime's year!!! :)


"Happy Birfday Xmastime!! Give us a hug big fella!!!"