And Jack Black Sucked Too

I got sucked into watching the MTV VMAs last night bacause SOMEone told me that these guys were gonna perform their video live. Needless to say after 210 minutes, I was left a fool as these dudes didn’t appear.* I won’t say who “someone” is, but all I’m saying is his initials are RRTHUR. I’m sure throughout the years I’ve accidently caught every minute of these dumbass things during their endless reruns, but I feel like this years suckage was particularly brutal. The first thing that seemed off was Jack Blacks intro, the main riff of which was “MTV has many malfunctions due to goof-offs and cheapness.” Really? When did this happen? Can anyone alive really remember the last time MTV was some sort of scrappy underdog making do with a shoestring budget and hipster fuckups? When did this happen? You’re MTV - you have a budget large enough to buy Saturn, and while your ability to choose and play videos that have anything to do with “music” has long plunged into the depths of “abysmal”, you’re still amazingly top-notch at running huge, overblown spectacles of pyrotechnics and video screens that are synced perfectly down to the second using state-of-the-art-technology run by MIT computer geeks who are in turn managed by over-stiff suits from Wharton. You’re not some guy in a basement re-creating final scene of “The Blue Brothers” with your Hot Wheels, so knock it the fuck off. You’ve given us another year of beyond-shit videos (all 6 of them); the least you can do when you gather around once a year to pat yourselves on the back is write a show wherein the funniest line of the night doesn't come from Al Gore.

Another thing I came to terms with last night is I’m old, and I just don’t get it. I’m watching segment after segment of “hip-hop” performances where there’s 20 people on the stage stomping and swaying, led by some guy with a mic who is alternating between barely breathing some words into the mic and pointing into the crowd. In years past I’d be screaming at the screen “what is this shit?!?!? It’s the same fucking beats as the last song, there’s no words, there’s no melody whatthefuck is this fucking shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????” Last night I just shrug. Hey, maybe I just don’t get it. Maybe there’s something going on in the singing I don’t even hear, maybe they’re moving in a way I don’t understand, maybe I’m just don’t get it. Obviously somebody’s getting it, they’re on tv. Of course, this guy has been on tv a lot too, but hey.




I just don’t get it.

I do enjoy the acceptance speeches tho. My favorites are the ones where they try to act totally shocked they won, that they didn’t even plan anything cause they’re so surprised to even be there. Really? Let’s see. Weeks, if not months ago your team of publicists told you you were nominated for your video, one of the 6 they played in the last year. You spent weeks picking out the perfect dress/”Im a weird hipster” uniform and you spent weeks acknowledging the thanks of your friends/families. You were flown into NYC, put into a hotel and met with MTV officials to rehearse what would happen should you win. Then you went to the pre-party, strolled down the red carpet, was placed in a seat that literally had your name on it. And then you stand on stage and act “shocked!!!” that you won, and were even nominated. Love it. They all act like they were across the street at Roy Rogers when someone rushes in “Beyonce just announced your name onstage at the VMAs!!!!!!” and you had to tear across the street, find out where the awards were and sprint to the stage and accept your award “from the fans.” Gimme a fucking break.

There are 2 more acceptance speeches I like a lot; the first is the guy that thanks God for “everything.” Okay, fine. You’re into God. But then they go on to thank 20 other people as well. Um…didn’t you just thank God for everything? Shouldn’t we assume that if you did indeed have “God” helping you on your music video, he was probably enough? “Yeah, I got God doing pretty much everything, but I still need somebody at the Red Bull table.” Don’t you think God would take offense at some point? “I’m God, I spend 3 weeks on the Kanye video and I get the same thanks as Icky the coat boy? Wtf?!?!!” Whats up with this anyways, I get the feeling that people that do this do it to sort of advertise God...they feel like they're getting the word out. You never see anyone in the audience confused, asking around "who'd he just thank? who? God? whos that? what..." Hey, we've all heard of the guy. Then again, maybe it's occured to you that if there's one group of people that need saving by God, it's the 12-year old kids that were treated to your video that features 4 minutes of drinkin 40s and hittin blunts while flashing guns and pissing on a small herd of almost-naked "hos." Maybe you think God will forgive you if after you receive an award for such a video you remind everyone to go to church, I don't know. Either way relax, they’re just videos…until there’s one of the Beatles playing “I Melt with You” while Jessica Alba gets a rimjob from Britney, I’ll find it hard to believe God has that much of a hand in music videos.

My second favorite is when the winner just thanks … “everybody.” Hmm. Great. I sewed your pants for years in a leaky van while watching you get laid by models cause you’re in a band, I fronted the money for your first album and I taught you how to play ‘Gloria’, and at this moment when you can acknowledge all my hard work as well as others along the way in front of millions of people, you thank…everybody. So now instead of someone being singled out on live tv as someone special for my years of hard work in helping this fuckhead get that moonman, now I am part of a group (“everybody”) that could literally include every single human being on Earth. Great. And no assface, saying “You know who you are!” doesn’t fucking help. Yes, I know who I am. The point is I need the waitress at the hotel bar to know so I can get in some tittes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dumbass.

And yes, Lil Kim, we know it’s “hard to keep a good bitch down.” We know it’s hard to keep a good bitch down because Jack Black read it off your cue card, and then you repeated it 3 times. We get it. Real edgy stuff. Walk out onstage, say “Its hard to keep a good bitch down” until someone points that you’re done, then walk back offstage. Wow!! Maybe prison DOESN’T turn you into even more of a bad-ass than you already were. Apparently it turns you into a boring motherfucker who has the short-term memory of a goldfish.

Finally, the Axl Rose appearance, I dunno…I mean, were we supposed to lose our shit about this? “OMYGODAXLSCOMINGONSATGE!!!!HOLYSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He was introduced like we were supposed to have heart attacks as we spooge ourselves. What the fuck. I realized as he’s walking out you know, this guy made one album that anyone gives a shit about….and it was 20 years ago. 20 years! I dont remember watching these things as a kid and losing my shit if they trotted Norman Greenbaum out on the stage. Camon. Since then he’s been famous solely for canceling concerts and growing dreadlocks. Let’s step back and reign in this G n R worship we’re all supposed to have. It was a fine record, but completely overrated throughout the years. Yes, it looks better when stacked up against its genre contemporaries Poison and Skid Row. Wow. Not exactly The Beatles and Beach Boys trying to top each other, is it?

So thanks again to RRTHUR for making me watch this awful shit, and I can’t wait for next year – with ANOTHER Aerosmith ‘Greatest Hits’ coming out it’ll be a can’t miss awards ceremony as we watch them perform a 119-minute version of “Crying” featuring Steve-O making out with Liv Tyler the whole time until the very end when Joe Perry finally mumbles “I can’t fucking do this anymore” and blows his brains out on live tv. Can’t wait!!!!!!!!!

* Of course minutes ago I was informed that those guys DID appear, and of course they did inside the 10-minutes of the show I missed. I give up. Unreal. KILL ME!!!!!!!!!