Things are Good, Vol. XVII

1) I’m declaring a moratorium on the term “Best. (insert word here). Ever”; eg “Best. Tuna. Ever.” We get it, you liked the tuna. Wonderful. You don’t have to make THE final, definitive word on tuna. You don’t have to make it more dramatic by using. Periods. While. Talking. Slowly. So. I. Get. Your. Fucking. Point. Tuna. Good. Got it!

2) I’m writing a letter to Hillary Clinton. Please don’t run for President. Oh, I like you as a Senator, and at one time ages ago I wholeheartedly thought you’d be a great President. But now you’ve sold yourself out to the right so much, I might as well vote for a Republican anyways. And the fact is you can’t win. Sorry, but the hatred that would storm over the country during the campaign would be amazing. The Red States hate you. Women hate you. The Clinton Haters would come out of hibernation frothing at the mouth. The only person who would vote for you at this point is Tammy Wynette, and unless Joe Kennedy is running things, her vote might not get counted. Best. Vote. From. A. Corpse. Ever. Of course, now they say she won’t run if Obama does. Which to me is funny, because if she had waited a few years and ran for Senator in her “real” home state, no one would ever had heard of Obama. Ah well. Hey, I just noticed that by changing a single letter, “Obama” becomes “Osama.” I’m not saying Barak Obama is the number one terrorist on the planet, but so far all we know about him at all is he might be black, and Oprah loves him. That's all we know. And when the hell is Oprah gonna run for President? Wouldn't she win in a landslide? "Look under your voting booths, people...everybody's going home today in a new Festiva!!! yeeeaaaahhh!!!"

3) I also put a letter in the mail this morning to Prez W. Cause it dawned on me that you know what, when he’s done as US President, wouldn’t he wanna be President of Iraq? I mean hell, he’s been obsessed with the place since he got in office. He’s repeatedly told me that the democracy, safety and freedom of the Iraqi people is more important than my own; isn’t it obvious he wants to be with them? So W, dust off your resume, there's a new job waiting for you! After your’re out of the White House, I’d better not see your ass back at the ranch in Crawford “clearing brush.” I know you’ve already gone on record shrugging your shoulders that it’s the next guy’s problem to clean up your mess, just like whenever Daddy’s boys come and get your ass out of a sling, but remember - God told you to free these people. You were put here to solve the Middle East and await the Rapture!! You’ve spent years screaming that this is the most important thing in the world; if you don’t insist on finishing your work there even after you leave office (not a lot of brush over there, maybe you can fly some in from time to time so you can clear it on the weekends while pondering serious issues?) then I will assume that all these years of you crying for their “freedom” really was a load of horseshit – just like I’m suspicious of how quickly you’re saying “oh well, fuck it” now that you don’t have unchecked power any more. I’d have more respect for you if still insisted that you believed in what you were doing. Oh you’d be wrong, and retarded, and it wouldn’t matter because now it looks like the adults have shown up to take care of this while you go to your room and play with your Hot Wheels, but at least I’d believe that you did mean what you had been preaching for all these years. You’ve gone on about this being “our” moral duty all this time, so get over there and take your rightful place as Best. Iraqi. Dipshit. I. Mean. President. Ever.

4) I’ve spent a portion of every single one of my days on this earth watching, playing or talking about sports. I’m very confident in my manliness – I don’t wear cologne, I’ve been in bar fights and I don’t care about the female orgasm. Even if there is such a thing. But I have no idea what “taking the points” in gambling means. Or "giving the points" either. No idea, can’t wrap my head around it, whenever someone says it to me I nod my head and look like I’m thinking hard. Same thing I do on the crapper, now that I think of it. Hey, what are the odds of me taking a dump the size of a deer before I’m done with this post? Best. Odds. Ever.

5) The ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ reruns I’m watching right now are from the very first season. I gotta say, I’m a little disappointed in how quickly Kelly, Donna et al accepted Brenda into their little group. Aren’t they part of the super-duper-snooty “it” group at the snobbiest school on earth? Yet Brenda’s barely out of her brother’s ’88 Chevette with Minneapolis plates before they’re BFF. Little disappointing. I mean, Brenda’s hot, but they’re ALL hot. Same with Steve – THE BMOC, supposedly the coolest guy in school, and he spends the whole first episode with the new hick in town (Brandon) and the local Vanilla Ice-wannabe-but-is-probably-too-gay-even-for-that guy (David.) Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I expect too much from my outrageously rich, snobby 16 year olds. Can a brother get some petty cattiness up in here for chrissake? Christ. I spend a lot of time hanging round outside the 7th grade at St. Agnes down the street, and those bitches wouldn’t cross the street to piss on me. No matter how much I offer them. They’re too busy being rich and aloof; now THOSE are cool “it” girls. Take a lesson, Kelly. This one’s dedicated to my girlfriend, Tori Spelling. Best. Horseface. Ever.

6) I wish all the Asians would fucking die.

7) Everytime I brace myself and think that women have woken up and decided to take over the planet, they shoot themselves in the titties. Over the last few years I’ve been reading/hearing about more and more women deciding that they’re gonna “stick it to men” and show us that they can be like men when it came to sex. I guess a big reason for this was of course “Sex and the City.” Cracks me up. Women have had enough, gonna free themselves, gonna stick it to men by having sex!!!! Lots of it!! Round the clock!!!...of course, to be having all this sex, it's gotta be with someone...so...who are they having all this sex with...all together now...men. Hmm. What’s next, cows making themselves hamburgers? That’ll learn us! Men are supposedly idiots, but we’ve quietly steered women towards being promiscuous, dressing like sluts and sleeping around without the hassle of a relationship. Well. You showed us, sister! Best. Secret. Ever. Though. Now. Every. Woman. Is. Going. To. Hate. Me. Though. Not. As. Much. As. Guys. Since. Now. The. Best. Secret. Ever. Is. Out.

8) Who are obituaries for? Who reads these – do you think you’re gonna stumble upon the name of someone you know? “….shit – that’s my wife!! I know she was cold in bed, but…” If it’s someone you remotely care about, odds are you already know they died. You know they were “beloved” and “cherished.” Why can’t people have fun with obituaries? Instead of the standad beloved and cherished bullshit, have some fun. “Reggie Durham died Wednesday…survived by wife and 2 kids…who have really turned out to be losers…devout member of First Baptist Church…owes me $114….strong figure in community…never learned to read or write…loyal husband of 33 years…Best. Flapjacks. Ever.” see? Wouldn’t that be great? Hey, they’re dead , they won’t care.