Stupid Bowl XLI

I'll tell you what. You people dodged a fucking bullet - if the Colts had kicked a field goal at the end of the game, the score woulda been 32-17, JUST off my prediction of 31-16 and you woulda never heard the end of it. Woulda been MUCHO BACK-PATTING for yours truly, re: my football genius and dammit, I played the game!

Anyways. The commercials were extremely disappointing. Though it's nice to know Coca-Cola is at the forefront of Black History month. "Oh look...Coke loves blacks!" Is anybody remotely moved by this gesture? Plus, black people don't drink Coke, they drink orange soda. Fucking christ. And the Doritos "cleanup at register 3" was bit much, no? You're trying to sell me potato chips, maybe I don't need to picture oooh, JUST off camera, the fat checkout girl covered in jizz from the dude she was mooing over. Thanks, Doritos. Or should fat girls be the ones offended; are we all supposed to assume lardass couldn't control herself and is now rolling around the floor under the register covered in Dorito cheese dust? Maybe she couldn't even get the guy, who has already left while she rubs Doritos all over herself, shoving a bag in her mouth? Interesting. We have to choose between imagining this chick covered in jizz or cheese dust. Jizz and cheese dust. "Alec, what are 'two things that have been on my dick'?"

And those Chevy commercials. "Join the revolution." really? what revolution is this? Have people never driven trucks before? OOOoooohhh, we're gonna drive $50,000 trucks!!! That'll show The Man! This is crazy!!!!!!! The founding fathers would be proud, I'm sure. "Well, they don't have health insurance and elections are rigged, but at least they're in huge trucks that get 2 miles a gallon at $2.50 per and are too big to hit the Taco Bell drive-thru. We did good. Pass me the Doritos, jizz-wig."

As for the game itself, two things. Number one, how terrible can Devon Hester's hands be? Every time you turn around, this dude is running a kick back for a td. When he's not doing that, he affects the game so much that teams squib-kick it away from him, giving the Bears great field position every time. YET. He's not used on offense. So he either has terrible hands or is completely retarded and can't learn plays. Makes me think of the Redskins AC Connell from a few years ago - a wide receiver who oddly enough wasn't on the "hands team" for onside kicks. Strange. Though people wonder why J-Lo has never been on my "Ass Team." Or Corky from "Life Goes On" not being on my "Goofs I Drug and Then Jerk Off Onto in a Closet" Team. So you never know I guess.

The other player I kept thinking of was Brian Griese, Grossman's backup. Grossman's throwing the ball around to Colts players, fumbling snaps etc you KNOW Griese is sitting on the bench with a baseball cap on thinking jesus christ...how much must I suck?!!?!?!!? Would be like being William Hung's backup in the choir. Good lord. What does it take to get him in? "Brian, Grossman just hung himself in the shower, so...wait, never mind...we'll just lay his body on the field and tape the ball to his hand. As you were."

My favorite moment of the pregame though was the Tony Dungy interview when JB asked him "Will your son be with you during the game?" Of course he answered with the cliched "oh, he'll be there with me, looking over me" stuff, which is sweet and nice to hear, but wouldn't it have been great if he had answered another way?

"Will your son be with you during the game?"
"Not at all JB, he's dead."

"Will your son be with you during the game?"
"Oh, do you have a shovel?"

Or maybe a hysterical, over-the-top "oh my god, he's alive?!?!? it's a miracle!!" performance. Well, I would've enjoyed it. Just like it occurred to me last night, wouldn't it be great if a ref decided fuck it, I'm gonna go down in the books as a legend and, while announcing a penalty to, you know, a BILLION people, all of a sudden turn into a standup comedian? "Holding, number 74...hey, how bout that Prince, riiiight? Say, what's big and grey and comes in quarts? An elephant! Hiyoooooooooooooooo!!!....anyways, first down." Wouldn't that be great? "Number 66, you smell like LANDfill!!....timeout, Colts." He'd be set for life on the talk circuit. Hell, it's only a matter of time before they make them do commercials on the field, isn't it? "Clipping, number 33...Chevy Silverado, America's car...(sings) this is our country...first down."

Speaking of the pre-game, those tiny metal flag pins they make all the announcers of the American flag are amazing, aren't they? I spent the whole show going "Wow, Dan Marino loves freedom! and look, Shannon Sharpe too! wait- BOOMER loves freedom!! wow!!! It's a Super Bowl MIRACLE!!!" Fucking christ. I tried to salute but got Dorito-jizz in my eye. Pickup on aisle me.

And if the 400 commercials about it are not lying to me, apparently the Police are getting back together. Which means that there's an opening now for "solo Brit lute-playing cake-boy looking to bore human race to death." Great. Was there finally an intervention? "Sting, please...no more solo albums. You're fucking killing us. They found a tape of 'The Dream of the Blue Turtles' in Princess Di's car; that was no accident. Please stop." If you love someone, set them free. Indeed.