Obama saying the troops have "wasted their lives." Kerry "insulting the troops." Whatever Biden says any time he pops up in tv. Fact is, if you are a candidate for President, in this era of parsing and semantics, you WILL say something that the other team will pounce on and use to show what an awful, freedom-hating American you are. Dems have the hot candidates right now so they're in the glare; soon as Elizabeth Hasselbeck announces for the GOP she'll be a target.
So why not get the shit the fuck over with? It is inevitable - you WILL be humiliated with each misspoken word, so why not get it over with early in the season? Like college football: a loss in September means you have plenty of time to come back and win the championship, but a late loss? Fatal. So if I was Candidate John Doe, here's what I would say today as I announce my candidacy:
"Thank you, thank you for coming. First of all, let me be clear: I hate the troops, do not support them - they fight for the very freedom that I despise. I hate niggers and hey, if the spics wanna come over and sell tomatoes so that my gay son doesn't have to, then hey, Allah Bless 'em. Yes, I know I voted for the war, but only after I didn't vote for voting for the war, thereby giving the President the power to go to war, which I voted for before I voted for the right to voting. Fool me once, won't get fooled again, fool me twice, well, who cares since the Holocaust never happened anyway. Speaking of knishes, there are in fact 2 "e"s in "potatoees." Anyways, I gotta go fuck my 14-year old poolboy before hitting an abortion pep rally. Those abortion doctors aren't gonna applaud for themselves!!! Again, thank you and I look forward to leading this loser country, and I'm pronouncing that as "cunt-ry" cause I hate women. Peace and chicken grease!"
There. All your possible gaffes, out within 30 seconds. Year from now no one even remembers, and there's only one way to go: up.
4 comments:
If I hired you as my campaign manager I would still have my job. All they could give me was "maccaca." I didn't even know what that meant. Everyone understands niggercuntfaggottroophatinfreedomfuckinretardsuckinassholesuckmydickyoustupidbrainwashedamericans.
I am dating one of the Village People. I won't name names but he was the cowboy. The gay cowboy.
Carry on, Xmastime.
I wouldn't be surprised if by the time 2008 rolls around we aren't sick of every candidate out there. Serves them right for starting the campaign so damn early. I'm hoping the schoolmarm goes down in flames first.
agreed, seems impossible to sustain long term. troubles me re: Obama, startin out so iron-hot, can only fade unfortunately.
Maybe he can get Micheal Richards to do some stand up!
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