An Ironically Named Grocery Store (It Was a Dark and Stormy Night)

I don’t even know why I bother with Topps anymore. My local grocery store, when I first moved here it was a bit of a dump – first time I went I walked out with 21 hot dogs and 5 lbs of potatos for $2. I was elated. Star Jones in shit, as they say. But over the years they changed as more and more trust fund hipsters flooded in and wanted their artichoke heart fronds sorbet with foie gras drizzle, and poor people like me whose parents hadn’t invented coffee were kinda priced out. But I could always find a deal in there, somehow. Bout a year ago I got into a groove where they had a bag of potatoes for $1.39, down from the usual $3.99. Got them a few times, then of course they disappeared. Guess they got tired of the 4000% profit they were still getting. This happened with a few other items, but tonite was the final straw. Rolled in to get some popcorn – you can usually get a jar of popcorn for 79 cents. Awesome. Makes about 5-6 good sized batches. Hell, you can bout find 79 cents on the 5-minute walk to Topps; if not you can get it by walking up alongside an elderly lady, wheelchair bound even better, distract her with some pleasant conversation and a smile, and crack her windpipe in half. As she’s gasping for air/life, grab a dollar from her purse. Tonite? None on the shelf. I’m searching, digging past the Orville/Jiffy Pop whatever stuff, digging into the back. Nada. Now I’m pissed and do something I never do – tip a black waiter. Hiyooo! I’m kidding. I asked a girl that was working there. She listened to my beef, looked at the shelf and happily exclaimed “oh yeah – we replaced it with this!” and shoved a box of microwave popcorn in my hands. 3 bags. $6.99. $6.99!!!!!! Repeating the price here would’ve been more effective if you could capitalize numbers. Are you kidding me? $6.99? I looked at the box and could see why - apparently this shit is made out of flax and rainbows, Orville Reddenbacker’s niece comes to personally cook it for you while her older, more experienced sister on a break from private school in the Alps reads Camus to you while dipping your balls in the melted butter and swabbing it off with her soft, nubile double-jointed tongue. Unfuckingbelievable. Fucking Topps. Why do I bother??!!