If You are Over 12 Years Old and Still Play Video Games, You are a Fucking Idiot and I Will Try to Fuck Your Girlfriend (Part 2: The Quickening)

No man on this earth is more immature and irresponsible than me. You know this. There is nothing “adult” I’d choose over simply laying in a field, looking at clouds and shitting myself. Corporate takeover? Change a tire? Go to important meetings? No thanks. Not when I can lay in the rolling fields and wonder if the first season of “The Cosby Show” is the best sitcom season ever.

But.

Dudes my age who play video games. Camon. How are you not ashamed of yourself? The other night I was out and met a chick and started yapping. Of course, turns out she has a boyfriend. “Where is he?” I asked her. “Oh,” she said, “he’s back home playing video games.” What? I was slightly stunned. I asked her if she was dating a 7-year old. Unreal. Seriously, is there anything more childish than sitting there playing fucking video games….as an adult? I realize I haven’t had a girlfriend since 1995, but aren’t the rules still:

WOMEN: don’t get fat
MEN: quit fucking playing video games

I seriously don’t know how women put up with this. Nothing says “I couldn’t care less about you” quite like “baby, I’m going to completely shut my brain off for a few hours, stare at this tv and play a child’s games that has pretend guns, fantasy wizards and dragons; why don’t you go out to the bar and get drunk for awhile?” Why not just bring in another dude, slip her a roofie and then snap her neck in half once they’re done fucking? What’s the difference? Wouldn’t she be thinking “My man would rather play video games that get up in my skin muffin (fork split)…..maybe I’m dating a fucking retard”?

As much time as I waste staring at worthless reality tv, thinking about cheeseburgers and creating a parabola wherein real time meets the nexus of quantum inertia therein creating a perfect logarithm of actual existence vs. virtual string theory, I can hold my head up cause at least I’m not pretending to be some 2-foot tall Italian plumber running around hitting blocks of stone with my head and jumping on huge, tool shed-sized mushrooms…with, apparently, eyes. Hmm. Fucktards.