1) My healthy living routine got blindsided this past weekend by my birthday. That’s okay, it was a special occasion, I’m back on it. One of the things I won’t miss about being fat is that when you are fat, everybody wants to set you up with their fat friend. They think they’re doing you a big favor too; “you know what, I got a friend who’s really big, you two would hit it off!” Oh joy, we can make pork-fat slurpees together! You did it, YOU’RE the king matchmaker!! Maybe we’ll live in a huge tub of Country Crock and will be known as your “big, sweaty couple who can’t sit together on a fucking Greyhound bus!” True love!!! Thanks, we’re so happy!!!! What the fuck...I’m gonna start doing it myself, I’m gonna start saying “you know what, I got a friend who’s a COMPLETE fucking douchebag, you two would hit it off!!”
2) I think one advantage to being gay would be that your boyfriend can settle his own fights at the bars. How many times you been with a girl and she starts popping off at, say, a pack of Hell’s Angels? Now the guys can’t fuck with her so they come over to beat your ass. Thanks, darling; and you wonder why I don’t go outta my way to eat your dick mitten anymore. But if you’re gay and your boyfriend is mouthing off then well, that’s his problem.
3) Why is everybody crying, so concerned about Barry Bonds’ recent hitting slump? Who gives a shit? He’s out there to get those last few homers to pass Aaron, and that’s it. But every day, “what’s wrong with Barry?!??! Omigod, how is he not hitting???!!” The Giants stink, so it’s not like they’re in a pennant race, so who cares. He has all season to do this. Relax. This is like one of those marathons where some porn star is trying to fuck 1000 guys in 5 hours and you’re crying at #997 cause she’s not humping at her best, she’s not jamming her finger up the dudes’ ass anymore. Shut the fuck up and let her get her record! For chrissake she raised you, gave you life - show some respect!!
4) Sometimes I wonder if I use things 100% wrong, the complete opposite of the way every other person does it. What if I stand in the shower wrong? For all I know everyone else stands sideways, or on one foot. Maybe the inventor of the toilet is looking down on me, horrified that I’m somehow not doing it correctly. Although I guess my college girlfriend would’ve told me; god knows she’d follow me in the can every time I had to release a small child. Wanna chat, have a big talk all of a sudden. “For fuck’s sake” I’d yell at her, “get out; I don’t even wanna be here for this!!!” Fucking hell.
5) “I” automatically being capitalized sucks when you wanna capitalize for emphasis and inflection. Did italicizing work?
6) Speaking of work, I just read somewhere that the average amount of semen released upon ejaculation is 0.5ml. So at, let’s figure, twice a day for 23 years that means I’ve shot off over two gallons of jizz. Not bad. Something to think about next time you reach into the fridge for a frosty glass of milk, no? And I don’t count the jizz I’ve lost to fucking; I figure the least I can do is let the women get the credits for those amounts. You’re welcome, ladies.
7) Speaking of used sperm accounts. Can dudes knock off this crap where every time a girl comes on the tv screen and she’s eating an ice cream cone we all hafta roll our eyes “oh MAN, she’s killing me, she doesn’t even know what she’s doing to me!!” and slap each other five; I guess to celebrate all the blow jobs we’ve been getting. Yes, I know you get so much pussy you can’t look a girl without being reminded of how you are serviced every 3 hours. Good for you. I don’t have a problem seeing a girl eating an ice cream cone, I don’t picture my dick as a creamy, gelatinous thing that melts in your mouth. I guess I’m strange that way. Or a banana, dudes do this one too. Freak out when they see a girl eating a banana. Cause I guess the first thing you’d like a girl to do with your dick is peel off the skin on all four sides before biting into it. Let’s be honest here: the only exciting thing to see a girl start eating are McNuggets cause I know that after one bite she’ll shriek at how disgusting they are and give the rest to me.
8) Watching Ratatouille the other day reminded me of a question I wonder about during the 900 hours a week I’m glued to the Food Network: why do chefs hafta wear those thick, heavy white jackets in the kitchen? It’s 300 degrees in there, fires everywhere. Can’t they wear shorts and t-shirts, stay as cool as possible? "But Xmastime," you say in your Ironhead Heyward (RIP) voice from those soap commercials, “it’s for sanitation purposes obviously, keeps in their sweat/body hair etc!!” But then you see these guys work and all they do all day long is stick their fingers in the food to taste, or double-dip with a spoon to slob on the shit. That doesn’t seem too sanitary. These chef uniforms are like putting a rubber on your foot before fucking Paris Hilton.
9) I love when politicians say that they’re going to go home to “talk to my constituents.” Really? Has anyone ever seen these people just wandering around, getting thoughts from the people that voted them into office? I don’t know anyone who knows anybody that’s been like “...yeah, so at Arby’s our Senator walked in and we had a long talk....” So far it seems that the only people these guys talk to in their home states are their families and hookers. Yet they talk on tv as if they’re going home and literally setting up a box at an intersection and talking to “the folks.” The last politician to ride in a car without a roof and genuinely tried to make eye contact with “the folks” had his brains sprayed all over Jackie Kennedy’s lap, and don’t think for a second I didn’t spend the last ten minutes sitting here trying to think of a joke finishing with “sprayed all over Jackie Kennedy’s lap.”
"We're naked together frollicking in a stream...can you at LEAST straighten out that fucking wrist in front of the other guys? fuuuuuuck!!!"