Pretending to Be Embarrassed...Ain't That America

(full disclosure: the author of this post won his school's World Geography Award in 1986. If that makes some of you ladies horny, just let me know.)

A few things have occurred to me after a whole day of people pounding this girl from South Carolina who during the Miss Teen USA Pageant was asked the question why one-fifth of Americans can't find the United States on a map. First of all,who remembered South Carolina was a state? But really, am I the only person surprised to find out that apparently four-fifths of Americans CAN locate America on a map? I mean, for fuck’s sake...between following every second of Paris’ jail time and wondering what all the girls from this season of The Real World see in Dunbar, who has time to sit around and look at maps all day? I’m sure a quick googling to find out how we rank among all countries in geography test scores will only lead to embarrassment – a fact I’m sure being pointed out by every other country in the world who has seen this video clip. Of course we’ll feign outrage and embarrassment in front of other countries about this girl being an idiot. But it’s tough to pull off such fake shame when we are, of course, the country that can no longer be humiliated by our sheer dumbness.





















But what’s up with the question in the first place...why are we dressing up these teenage girls in skimpy little outfits with their titties taped and parading them around a stage and then asking a heavy question like that in the first place? Hell, some girl called in a radio show yesterday and said that in another teen pageant she was asked what she would have done to prevent the Holocaust. Fucking Christ. I'm sorry - that wasn't her answer, that's my usual expression for exasperation. All these pageants, it’s always “how would you solve world hunger, how would you create world peace forever?” etc etc. What the fuck. Let’s be a little more honest here and ask things like “are Paris and Nicole REALLY bff again?” or “how many middle-aged men living with their mothers are jerking off to this right now?” We put these girls on the spot in front of millions of people and ask these these ponderous, world-changing questions. Yet in a televised debate while choosing the next leader of the free world, we only ask the same fucking questions over and over: “what’s your stance on abortion? Will you make sure gays can’t get married? what’s your stance on abortion? Will you make sure gays can’t get married?
what’s your stance on abortion? Will you make sure gays can’t get married?
what’s your stance on abortion? Will you make sure gays can’t get married?”

Hardly seems right to me.