a) Saying "I HEART you" out loud. Or, even worse, speaking of someone else: "awwww, Sherilyn hearts Ricky!" You are not a fucking Hello Kitty keychain; dial down the "cutesy-wutesy." Guess what? "Heart" is not a verb. But "next time you say I heart someone I'm gonna knock your teeth out with the kitchen sink and then string them together to make anal beads to rip your guts out with" is. Enough. Xmastime does not heart your bullshit.
b) The drolly ironic "Internets." Yes, it was funny when Bush did it. And yes, it was even funny the next day when you said it. But like equal rights for women and "FrankTV," its 15 minutes of fame are up. Enough.
c) Songs with "town" all over them. Ever notice there's no cities in songs? No cities, counties, states, nothing. Everything is a fucking town. Leaving this town, gotta get outta town, this town is this or that. What the fuck. Even New York City to any songwriter is a "town." Another case of someone needing to portray some sense of ruralness for authenticity - ooooh buddy, you used the word "town" - you're so REAL!!! WOW!!! So down-homey – I bet you don’t even OWN a tv!! Your iPod has a screen door on it!! Congratulations, you're Woody Guthrie in a Modest Mouse t-shirt. Enough.
2) I saw some issue of Rolling Stone the other day that had an article about the guy who invented the World Wide Web. I had no idea what his name was. And actually, I still don't. How is it possible that here we have the World Wide Web, arguably the single biggest innovation of the last 50 years or more, and we have no idea who the inventor is but I have the name "Eli Whitney" branded on my fucking brain? I can't scratch my balls without hearing the name Robert Fulton, yet for all I know the dude who invented the World Wide Web could be in my "Where are all the Fuckpigs?" chat room and I'd have no idea.
3) There's white trash. There's poor white trash. How come there's no black trash? Only white people can be trashy? Does "The Flavor of Love" only come on my tv?
4) How come surgery is "performed"? A doctor practices medicine but performs surgery. I don't know if I want someone cutting me open if the procedure is called such that it sounds like he's gonna be yukking it up for an audience, do I? I want the so serious it's only written and transcribed Brahms version of surgery, not the fucking Spice Girls hit the O.R. one.
5) I got a jar of Cheez Wiz the other day and it turns out you can't just stick the jar in the microwave if you wanna heat up the cheese. The jar says explicitly that you have to transfer the cheese to a microwaveable dish. Are you kidding me? This INFRURIATES me cause now no matter how much you scrape at the jar, you can't fucking get all the cheese out. So you're left standing there, looking at all the cheese you gotta throw away and feeling fucking cheated. Congratulations Cheez Wiz, you've accomplished what I had previously thought to be the impossible: turn me off of bright yellow viscous processed liquid cheese. As Paulie said to Henry Hill at the end of Goodfellas when he found out he was dealing drugs, now I gotta turn my back to you.
6) Speaking of surgery, I know it's only a tv show but are we really expected to believe that the surgeons in "M*A*S*H" could pound gin all day, even though at any moment choppers could show up with wounded? Believe me, I drunk my share of gin, and I've come to work the next day hung over. But at no point did I think I might hafta all of a sudden gut someone open to save his life. But I did once piss myself, convince the girl I was with that it was just a beer I had spilled (cause you know, it's not like she would've noticed that I had brought a can of beer to bed) and still got up in those guts that morning, so I guess it's kinda the same thing.
7) What the fuck is butter pecan? Have you even seen it as a flavor in anything but ice cream? There's no butter pecan cake, there's no butter pecan brownies. Whoever came up with butter pecan sounds like a lazy motherfucker, no? "I got my flavor in ice cream. Fuck it, that's enough."
8) Oh, forgot another moratorium. Can a "sitcom" on tv say someone is "autistic" without the automatic followup of "really? He's artistic?" grrrrr. Every time that happens, does Joey from "Friends" get his wings?
9) Since Cher is an all-time Mrs. Xmastime I find myself watching Mask from time to time. How triumphant can we really feel about how Rocky lives his life if the writers give him a girlfriend, but decide "you know what...better make her blind..."?
10) And speaking of "M*A*S*H" how can TVLand run reruns of this in a time of war - wouldn't showing a soldier who cross-dresses and is an Arab completely ruin the morale of the troops? Can we assume they're curled up in their tents crying to each other cause of this? Way to go TVLand. Osama bin Klinger motherfucker.
"Hey, I'm a priest, you can trust me...loosen up...aren't you warm under all that fur? Let's get that thing off....."
1 comment:
s b c ...2 funny. r u drinkin?
1. i spade you is worse, even.
2. what?
3.I pity the city that ends in a -town.
4. pretty sure my cousin Phil invented email.
http://findarticles.com/p/articles
5. ain't no black trash. it's all
colored.
6. It used to be called "practicing " surgery, but the patients dit-en
want to pay so they changed it.
7. spatula fatula... get in there.
8 it's butter and it's pecan. They call it what they add to the mix. Like rocky road.
9--
10. blind but she can still feel his face...she has hands. Better they made her blind than without hands.
11. i don't think they watch reruns out there in the desert. I think the reception is poor but they watch DVDs.
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