Academy Award Best Picture Nominees in My Own Lifetime that I Have Seen

The Godfather - obviously great.

American Graffiti - great soundtrack.

Jaws - my favorite movie that's not about foppish, long-haired Brit boys flitting about singing to each other or high school boys running around in tight satin shorts playing with balls.

Rocky - camon. Another superslice. Talia Shire = Mrs. Xmastime. And man, his unorthodox training sessions; I haven't seen anyone hit beef that size since my fat girl hookup of 1995 (great blowjob, tho)

Dog Day Afternoon - great. tho I think I saw it 3 times before I even realized what they needed the money for. hmm.

Taxi Driver - I guess I was the last white male ever to see this, only saw a few months ago. Hey, you know what I just thought of? Wouldn't it be great if Italian guys from Brooklyn did the "you talking to me?" scene in bars? Over and over and over? You just don't see that, do you? Wouldn't that be awesome? Camon, Brooklyn Italian guys! Yes, i AM dalkindoyouse!!!!!

Star Wars - tuff to picture anything bigger than this, eh? When I was a kid, it was all Star Wars. Everything you could possibly buy, it all had Star Wars on it. I don't think I owned a Trapper Keeper that didn't have Star Wars on it til 4th grade, when of course like boys all across the land I switched to "On Golden Pond."

The Deer Hunter - I've read that during the Russian Roulette scene De Niro wanted to use live rounds. I wish he thought of that while making "Analyze This."

Coal Miner's Daughter - Has a Shawshanky thing to it; ie you can watch, move into another apartment, and still catch the end of it. Also, you can watch it 338 times and still remark “hey, I’ve never seen this part before. Wow.”

The Elephant Man - Tough to watch; you spend the whole movie pissed at him for ditching Cher after getting her pregnant.

Raiders of the Lost Ark - when Harrison Ford decided to put it on cruise control, I'm guessing.

Gandhi - my dad pulled my brother and I outta school for the day to watch this. A 3-hour flick about Gandhi is a bit much for a 5th grader; ever since then I've resented non-whites and the very thought of peace and will continue to dedicate my life to destroying both.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial - again, a huge event. How is this not on TBS constantly?

The Big Chill - a cozy movie I like to fold into. Whatever the fuck that means. Officially depressing now cause I think I'm now older than what those characters were supposed to be. Famously was supposed to be Kevin Costner's first role; he was the dead body. How does your only scene get cut and you still get typecast? Poor bastard.

The Right Stuff - actually only seen part of it, but I was reading the book on a flight a few years ago when the pilot announced we had to make an emergency landing. How ironic, I remember thinking.

Broadcast News - Albert Brooks, the Duckie of his generation. Man.

Fatal Attraction - I can suspend belief enough to watch Jedi Knights fight in outer space or an alien being addicted to Reese's pieces, but asking me to believe someone would even look at another chick when he's got Anne Archer back at home folding his socks is too much of a stretch. No way. Not happening. Even if she's to blame for shitting out that freak Muppet kid.

Rain Man - at the time, I thought Hoffman here was the single greatest acting performance ever. Then I saw "Meet the Fockers" and realized holy shit, he wasn't acting.

Mississippi Burning - great flick. Cast includes, I believe, the kid who played Eddie Winslow in "Family Matters" of Urkel fame. Which also starred an all-time Mrs. Xmastime, Telma Hopkins, who was in Tony Orlando and Dawn, as in Red Dawn starring Patrick Swayze as in who the fuck do I gotta blow to have "Road House" implanted into the inside of my eye lids?

Driving Miss Daisy - recently re-saw it, surprised at how much I liked it. Saw it in the theater cause I actually had a girlfriend at the time, so you'd go see every movie that came into town. Some we'd see twice, if they were about a Zen-living bouncer who could sew stitches into his own shoulder w/o anesthesia while working at a bar that goes through broken furniture like The Dukes of Hazzard went through cars.

Born on the Fourth of July - I like this now, but at the time this was actually the only movie I had ever considered walking out on. Was too much I guess. Or maybe I was pissed that Top Cat's pop was still alive, not giving him a reason to "push the envelope!" and "fly too close to the edge!!!"

Dead Poets' Society - saw this on our first date after my girlfriend and I had broken up after I found out she had driven into town with another guy. Which back then was the equivalent of what walking in on her in the middle of a Vatican City bukkake party would be now. A few weeks later we got back together and dedicated ourselves to loving each other forever. I feel sorry for her husband. Poor bastard, living a lie. I only wish the best for him. And their kid.

Field of Dreams - ugh Dances with Wolves - you're shitting me. Would you rather be locked into a room and forced to watch "Dances with Wolves", or just locked in a room with wolves?

Ghost - blech

Goodfellas - what can be said that hasn't already been said about Goodfellas?

JFK - say what you will, but that final monologue by K-Cost(tm) gets me every time.

A Few Good Men - this flick I love, it's my #1 "it's raining outside, get a tub of popcorn and curl up" movie. As opposed to my "it's raining outside, let's see how many consecutive hours I can have my hands fiddling with my balls" flicks, I guess.

Scent of a Woman - I've always liked the scene with his family, if only cause it features Josh Lyman. A reminder of back when America was flourishing under the wing of President Bartlett. Fucking Nader.

Forrest Gump - is there a bigger slut in movie history than Jenny from this flick? Camon. Strung along a retard for decades while fucking every dude in the country. If you don’t believe in karma after finding out she dies of AIDS, you never will.

Four Weddings and a Funeral - You can imagine my surprise when I realized I had the title backwards; going in I thought this was about Lynyrd Skynyrd. Disappointing.

Pulp Fiction - liked it. Can't sit through it again, but Sam Jackson's scene is an all-timer for sure.

Quiz Show - don't remember a thing about it.

The Shawshank Redemption - I find it hard to believe I'll go much longer without a whole Shawshank post, so I'll leave it for now. But yes, surprisingly few Mrs. Xmastimes in this one.

Braveheart - whole thing coulda been about 11 minutes long; these scenes repeat more than me after eating raw chicken in San Juan.

Apollo 13 - LOOOOOOVE this flick, I watch it every time it comes on. Ed Harris should win an Oscar just for looking exactly like his character in real life. And is it possible to NOT know that Kathleen Quinlan must be a ridiculously filthy whore in bed? Camon. My girl.

Sense and Sensibility - the only thing more embarrassing than my going to see this flick is that I can't even claim a chick dragged me there.

Fargo - too much midwestern accent. we get it: they're idiots. move on already.

Jerry Maguire - loved Top Cat in this one too. The Jay Mohr "it ain't show friends, it's show business" is one of many lines I'll hear in a movie and think "oooohh, gotta remember that and pull it out at a party!" And yes, I say the same thing about my dick, so. After this movie, would you have guessed that Cuba Gooding Jrs' next big role would be sniffing Michael Jordan's underwear? Christ.

As Good as It Gets - if you switch one word in this title with it’s antonym, you get my review.

Good Will Hunting - the moment we all realized you know what, Robin Williams is better as a dramatic actor than as a comedic one. and that Ben Affleck is the worst actor in the world. Tho we all had no idea Sarah Silverman was fucking Matt Damon. beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Say, when are the writers coming back again?

Saving Private Ryan - years before this movie I would tell the story of my grandmother losing all 6 of her brothers in World War I (or, as Rrthur would say, The War.) But now I'm wondering if it's apocryphal; I have no idea where I heard it. Maybe I'll ask my uncle next time I talk to him. Now that I think about it, I should interview him and post it here; having an uncle who used to turn into a werewolf while playing basketball could be blogging gold here. Hmm. And you should’ve seen how I spelled “apocryphal” before spell-check caught it. A train wreck.

American Beauty - okay, but whenever I re-watch it I just wish there were more of those dining room scenes.

Erin Brockovich - until Wayne Knight plays both roles in "John Candy and Chris Farley Go to the Beach", this is my favorite cleavage movie.

A Beautiful Mind - girl I liked went to see this on a date before we started up, so that always bugs me.

Gangs of New York - like Jack Black in "High Fidelity", I'd rather see all of Daniel Day-Lewis' scenes boiled down onto a tape than the rest of the movie.

Lost in Translation - liked it in the theater, can't watch it on tv. Really cemented the "Bill Murray sleepwalking on camera" routine for him, didn't it?

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World - don't remember much of the movie, but me and Op ate 15 goddam boiled hot dogs that night. Burp.

Ray - a Faustian bargain: Jamie Foxx gave us a great performance, but then we had to sit there and watch him promote his shitty album for the next 3 years.

Brokeback Mountain - see here.

Little Miss Sunshine - see here.