Rock Me, Xmasdeus

They're showing Amadeus on Ovation this morning. Actually, they're showing it 4 times; I have no idea why this is, since it isn't Mozart's birthday. Though it is J-Lo's now that I think of it, so I guess it does make sense after all.

I've always loved this movie, might be in my Top 25. But the thing is, I cannot see this flick without thinking about backfarts. When I was I guess 13 or so I discovered that if you laid down on a linoleum floor, arched your back and then un-arched it against the floor, it would produce an awesome sound, that of a tremendous fart. And unless it's finding out Bulgaria was included in the Schengen Agreement, what in the world is even possibly funnier to a 13 year-old than farts? And by "13 year-old" of course I mean "living man." And all of a sudden here I was, I had discovered how to produce the greatest of them all when and wherever I wanted! (Side note: a sweaty back = some super delicious cuttin' up!!!)

Anyways, I of course immediately spread the word of my genius to anyone who would hear me, including my friend Ryan, with whom on one hot summer day I found myself hanging out with him at his girlfriend Susan's house watching a video: Amadeus. Susan's two older sisters were there also, along with their mother Phyllis, aka "Phil the Thrill." Phil the Thrill's moniker was incredibly ironic, as she was a calm, placid woman who would say about 6 words a week, none of which you could actually hear. To me and my family these girls were rich and went to private schools etc, which meant that when someone of my ilk was in their house I was to conduct myself with an air of...well, not embarrass myself or my family. Use utensils when presented. Don't shout. Don't act surprised/amazed that the tv has color. This was a family of placid genteelness whose Southern grace was not to be disturbed in any way, much less by Kino riff-raff. So imagine my horror as Ryan started excitedly telling the girls about my new talent. Transcended only by my shock when all three girls sprung up and, as if rehearsed, dragged all the furniture away into the corners of the room, leaving me with a more-than-large-enough patch of floor on which to work my magic - not to be out-done, here comes Phil the Thrill sprinting down the hall "wait for me!!"

Sigh. Amadeus. My first performance.