The Costanza Rules

As I said earlier in the week, I'm finally breaking down and going to a clinic to have my gout checked out. But of course it's not embarrassing enough I have to go to some free clinic, no no, get this - I have to meet with a social worker to prove that yes, I am in fact brokedick poor enough to qualify to go to the clinic. Wow. I hope they tape these things and give me a copy. I have a feeling my walking her through how poor and stupid I've been would be tres entertaing...which, OF COURSE, brings it back to (as all life does) George Costanza. Just like when he won over the co-op board to allow him to move into an apartment in lieu of a survivor of the Andrea Doria.

[Setting: Jerry’s apartment]
GEORGE: So, he's keeping the apartment. He doesn't deserve it, though! Even if he did suffer, that was, like, 40 years ago! What has he been doing lately?! I've been suffering for the past 30 years up to and including yesterday!
JERRY: You know, if this tenant board is so impressed with suffering, maybe you should tell them the "Astonishing Tales of Costanza".
GEORGE: (Interested) I should!
JERRY: I mean, your body of work in this field is unparalleled.
GEORGE: I could go bumper to bumper with any one else on this planet!

[Setting: Tenant board room]

(Mr. Eldridge is telling his story to the board members. Each one looked touched by the tale. George, on the other hand, is bored to death. He's leaning back in his chair in the corner of the room, knocking on the wall - to display how bored he is)

ELDRIDGE: Just then, a rescue ship emerged from the fog and saved us. It was.. (Stops, then gives George a look. George stops knocking on the walls) It was the sweetest sight my eyes ever saw.
RICARDI: (Touched) Thank you Mr. Eldridge. The tenant board will now hear Mr. Costanza's testimony.

(George gets up, walks over to Mr. Eldridge, then gestures for him to give up his chair. Eldridge reluctantly gets up and takes George's seat in the corner)

[cut to scene]

(George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them)

GEORGE: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, infact, a Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swiming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated)