90210h, for Fuck's Sake

The last few years of Beverly Hills 90210 were pretty amazing, right? I mean, at some point it feels like the writers were just pushing every week to finally have the viewers say “okay, that’s it, I’m out,” right? And then every week they’d be like “what? They bought that shit? AGAIN?”

I recently had an email exchange with Drunken Dater about this, as follows.



From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

ill say what needs to be said here. was Noah one of the most absurd characters ever on tv?  goes to an AA meeting...of course, pulls out a flask!!! christ.

From: Drunken Dater
Subject: Re:
To: Xmastime
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

Ha!  Noah’s such an idiot. Hey, are you naked? Right now I can’t stop thinking of you sitting in your chair, those big fucking hog balls that I love resting on the chair. wish i was there  :(

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

his "spiral" is really one for the ages. if i had an intern, id make her timeline the whole thing. it's incredible.

but then, all of the characters' story arcs are ridiculous. each one seemingly breaking the record for "spellbindingly amazing scrapes with the law/every social moré possible" etc etc

From: Drunken Dater
Subject: Re:
To: Xmastime
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

They all becamse SO ridiculous. Hey, I’ve attached some pictures of me in that French maid outfit you told me to buy. Ooops!! I dropped the feather duster! (7 times)

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

right on schedule: David just found out he slept with a 17 year-old, so now we get the obligatory statutory rape arc. this within ten minutes of Kelly smuggling a battered wife and kid off away from her husband, Valerie trying to turn herself in for killing her father, Noah turning himself in for (another) drunken hit and run, and Matt the lawyer risking his law license to help out people he just met. no big whoop. oh yeah, and Kelly found out that Val ahd something to do with Brandon breaking off the wedding.

in other words, just another day.


From: Drunken Dater
Subject: Re:
To: Xmastime
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

If I can find another girl hot enough, would be into doing a threesome later on today?

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

and of course now Val, who knows everybody hates her, is upset because she's trying to put together Thanksgiving dinner despite the fact that everybody hates her and she KNOWS everybody hates her. oh, and David is right now confronting the mother of the girl he statutory raped.

ohoh - after hanging out in the hospital staring at the kid he killed in the drunken h&r, Noah's at the After Dark pounding bourbon!!!!!!!!

From: Drunken Dater
Subject: Re:
To: Xmastime
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

I remember that! Her whole thanksgiving thing was so freaking stupid. Sometimes at night I can’t sleep because I picture you in your room, in a tight pair of gym shorts (and nothing else) doing pushups.

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

of COURSE, her slut cousin/sister Gina is in town 4 minutes and sets it up to make Donna THINK she bangs him. because surely there is a reason to do this to Donna, except not here on planet Earth. although im sure later on she sleeps with him. and David. and dull Matt the lawyer.

oh look - the gang surprises Val by showing up for Thanksgiving, lugging in food!!  because thats what you do with someone everybody hates, that hates everybody else, and everybody knows everybody hates her and she knows everybody hates her!!

From: Drunken Dater
Subject: Re:
To: Xmastime
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

My god – you, me, and Val in a hotel with a box of wine and a coupla sleeves of roofies? Jesus. That would be something. Im gonna go over to your building now and sleep on the steps so that when you get home you can bring me up to your room and have your way with me, throw me around the room like I’m a dog dropped on a trampoline. See you!!!!

From: Xmastime
Subject: Re:
To: Drunken Dater
Date: Monday, April 12, 2010

ohoh...is this Val's sendoff? she's making a speech - she's leaving!! "no sappy goodbyes!"  everyone looks sad. just as anybody would if the one person they hate is finally leaving after spending eyars making their lives miserable.

now I might be wrong, but my 90210 studies tell me that in a few moments who shows up at the door? Dylan!!!  of course!!!!