Glenn Beck for President

I was away for the weekend so I missed the Glenn Beck rally in real time, and in looking back on it now via newspapers and websites et al it seems that just like my first time fucking an actual girl, whenever that might be, it's hard to wrap my head around any one thing that even vaguely makes cohesive sense. The utter contradictory nature of everything that was said leaves my mitts dangling an inch above my own keyboard. Obviously, the link to MLK is laughable (didn't he get shot while fighting for a union? I don't think that's something Glenn Beck would be high-fiving today, no? Unions are for Islamaliberatornon-Judeaofascistneo-libertarians, after all.)

Apparently America is the single greatest thing in the world. Worthy of weeping on television and dedicating one's life to.

And.

To even wonder if America needs to make changes to improve itself makes one a libelous traitor who hates America and, worse, is probably Muslim.

But.

Everything about America has to change within the next 12 hours, or we're going to find ourselves in the pits of hell. The real Hell, too.

And yet.

Part of that change needs to be accomplished by kicking what is by far the most productive and progressive Congress in over 60 years to the curb in favor of people who have been trained to not change the wallpaper, much less public policy. Ergo, ex post fatso, we need to stay in the pits of hell. This, despite what has to have been the most powerful minority governing body in the history of the world, save for Credence Clearwater Revival. And I'll be taking "ex post fatso" to the trademark office, motherscratchers!!!

Look, this isn't very complicated. I think of Glenn Beck the same way I do Sarah Palin: he's not stupid,  you are. He launched his own name and brand into the stratosphere this weekend, banking even MORE of your dollar$$$$, and yet ask anyone who went to Beckstock what his "solutions" really are, and you might as well ask a dog about the infield fly rule. Either way, somebody's eating shit.

Beck's solution, as far as I can tell, is "wait for God to take care of it." First of all, that hardly espouses the ol' "pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps!!!" modus operandi that Glenn Beck fans like to clamor on about - isn't this like patting yourself on the back for choosing Michael Jordan to be on your 2-on-2 team instead of your fat Aunt Doris, all while claiming to be some sort of scrappy upstart?

In theory, Glenn Beck would have you turn off  your irrigation system and do a rain dance instead. As an East-Coast elitist non-farmer I will say: good luck with that.

But the greater point is this: Beck and Beckites spend a lot of time screaming "I want my country back!!"

What does that even mean? Who took it? Where did it go? Who had it before? What's actually changed?

If you were filthy rich in 2008, things are still pretty sweet for you now. And actually they're even SWEETER for you, since now even the Supreme Court isn't pretending to not let insanely rich corporations rule the country.

You still have poor people fighting against the estate tax for you.
You still have poor people apoplectic about corporate tax rates being raised 3%.
You still have people of color harrassed by the police and redlined by the bank.
You still have poor people demanding their taxes not go to efficient public services.
You still have poor people demanding they not be able to unionize in the name of corporate profits.

And on, and on, and on. Matter of fact, the distance between you and the middle class has lengthened, so that's one more lap around the pool you can take! Don't worry, the good ol' boy network didn't get wiped away by Katrina!!

Comparing today's "angst"  to the American Revolution in terms of "no representation!!" is about one of the best jokes I've heard in a while. Rich, white Americans in 2010 are the best represented people in the history of the world. "Your country" hasn't gone anywhere, it's just gotten better. Brush your teeth with fois gras and rejoice!

The joke that Glenn Beck is playing is that he knows fully well that "his country" is not only still here, but getting better by the second. And he would be the first one to laugh at you for signing up for his bullshit.