Fast Food Review

The other day I did the McDonald's half of the Mickey D's fish fillet vs. Wendy's, so I figured today I'd do the Wendy's half and jumped into the one on 14th Street. Actually I guess I walked through the door gasping for breath, but you get my point. First, let me say that I'm very impressed with Wendy's steadfast loyalty to their own modus operandi, no matter how many customers are standing in line: one person takes the order, a second person standing directly behind that person turns around and shouts it into the kitchen, and a third guy wanders slowly back and forth to the soda machine about ten times, taking sips of his soda while saying "dang, girl!" every time yet another woman has walked up to stand in line. With three people doing one person's job, you can't say Wendy's isn't do it's part to get people back to work during these hard times - surely Dave Thomas is looking down from that big frosty in the sky, bursting with pride.

I used the twenty minutes I stood in line to peruse the menu, and I grew worried when I realized there was no fish sandwich on it. Oh oh. But of course then it quickly occured to me that perhaps at Wendy's the fish fillet is one of those "off the menu" items; order it, give the cashier a special look to let him see that you're "in the know,"and he'll whisk you to the back to meet the poisonnier who will be preparing your fish fillet. "Classy," I shake my head with wonder.

Of course I got to the cashier and it turns out there is no fish fillet at this location. Or, apparently, a dress code with regard as to the correct way to wear a baseball cap.

Walking down 14th Street I was pissed that I had taken time out of my non-existent life for nothing, until it dawned on me that in this existence, there are two questions man ponders:

1) Why are we here?
2) How is it possible the KFC Double Down has been around for almost a year and Xmastime hasn't tried one?

So I decide to keep walking down the street and give it a try and hell, like I pointed out HERE back in April, I'd inexplicably only be adding another 40 calories to my dinner, so fuck it.

First of all: customers. You are fucking terrible. Walking up to the cashier and after staring at her name tag (ie her titties) braying "Hello...Alice!" is not going to make said cashier think "wow, that's so charming and original, I should bring him the SPECIAL chicken that lightly rubs his prostate while he eats!!!" This is the fast food reastaurant version of the "oh, my name is _______, and I'll be your customer tonight!" And don't go "heh heh heh" after telling her you want "two juicy thighs" if you graduated high school in what looks to be 1978. And then don't stand there after you've received your change AND KEEP FUCKING TALKING!!!! First of all, Alice is 1) not hot 2) mabye 17 years old 3) staring at you blankly trying to do a Jedi mind trick to get you to move the fuck on. I am a great fast food orderer, I have a "hit it, quit it, let the next man get it" policy for ordering; I do not use the 58 seconds as my fucking Who's Got Talent? audition.

So I got the ... sandwich?... and popped the lid and, I must say, I was pretty shocked at it's size. I was expecting a shriveled-up 30% versioin of what they show on commercials, but enough about what I remember of my functioning penis - the thing was fucking big. The bun actually being meat gave it a heft that felt good too. Here's a snappity snap:

Yes, I have the shittiest camera phone in the world. Move on with your freaking life already!!

So my next thought was well, obviously this is gonna be dried out as shit. And, miraculously, I was wrong - juicy! Juicy, juicy juicy.

That was after the thing was 90% eaten; in my giddiness over how good it was I forgot to take pictures again until then.

I couldn't believe it. It was good as shit. MAYBE too much pepper on this particular one (oooooohhhh....did I just left the curtain on one of the Colonel's secret spices?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!!), and the sauce tries to give a little "heat," but didn't really add or subtract much from the taste.

My one problem was the bacon. I don't know why they felt the need to include this; as much as I love meat, I've never really been a fan of COMBINING meats, and that includes bacon. I love cheeseburgers. I love bacon. But I don't need bacon on my cheeseburger. Before I got the DD (note: awesome sandwich, but still not my favorite double D's, heh heh heh) I considered ordering it without bacon, but for some reason decided to order the sandwich as is for integrity reasons (no, I'm not a hero, don't start that shit.) Luckily for me, as you can see by the picture, Stevie Wonder put the thing together and the bacon was hanging off the side so I was able to take care of it immediately and eat it as if it came seperately while still holding on to my principles.

So, I gotta give two thumbs up. Big, juicy, and the only sandwich I will ever eat while holding the wrapper, which as you know drives me fucking bananas. Now, as much as I was pleasantly surprised by how good it was, I don't think I'll ever get another one. For some reason, even I cannot allow myself to be THAT decadent when it comes to my fried meatstuffs. And the mere thought of it made me take a shower as soon as I got home, but this is the first Tuesday of the month so I would've been taking one anyway.

Stay tuned, I will track down a Wendy's for the fish competition.

And hey, I had to try it - they fucking dared me.