Producing an updated stage version is on my list of things to do when I become a billionaire, and in thinking about it this morning it flashed into my mind that there is exactly ONE person in the world who was born to play the character of Sophie. First, Simon's description upon first seeing Sophie:
She is the prototype of the all-American girl. If she had few freckles on her face she would be perfect. Her compact, solid form and freshly scrubbed face tell us that this is a purely physical creature. What she can't do with an intellectual problem, she more than makes up for with her strong backstroke or her straight back astride her horse. The Arkansas drawl doesn't add to he rimage as an intellect either. And best of all, she smells good.And in some excerpts from her two big scenes with Andy, the choice is even more glaringly obvious:
(Andy hires Sophie after Norman gets her fired from her job at the YMCA; having looked at their leftist magazine, Sophie takes unbrage at what she sees at their non-patriotism.)Hmm. Flag-waving nationalist with an "if you dont think America is perfect you're a Commie!" attitute? PLUS getting to be a punching bag of snide, liberal elites with a dictionary? Throw in some negative theater reviews from the left-wing lamestream media, and do I even hafta say it at this point???!?!!?!!
Andy: I have an idea. I don't say you're going to love it, but how would you like to come work for us? It'll pay your rent and buy your iron or steel, or whatever it is you eat.
Sophie: If you're serious, I suggest you make yourself available for our country's mental health program. Do you think I would work for the bomb aimed at the heart of America?
Andy: What bomb?
Sophie: Mr. Hobart, I don't know if you're a communist, or a fascist, or just a plain old-fashioned traitor - but you are certainly no American.
Andy: What're you calling me a traitor for?
Sophie: (she picks up the magazine and waves it at Andy) For this! For holding your country up to ridicule in black and white. All I read last night was the table of contents, but if you don't like the country that gave you your birth, why don't you go back where you came from?
Andy: Writing constructive criticism about the degenerating American way of life is certainly not treason.
Sophie: I don't know what goes on in your government-overthrowing mind, but do you expect me to work for a magazine that publishes an article entitled..."Is LBJ on LSD?"
Andy: My feelings for this country run just as deeply as yours, but if you'll turn down the national anthem for a few minutes, you'll be able to hear what some of the people are complaining about.
Sophie: I am one of the people, and one of the things I'm complaining about is you.
Andy: Look, if you don't work, you don't eat. If you don't eat, you get very skinny, you fall down and then you're dead.
Sophie: First you take away my loaf and then you offer me your meager bread.
Andy: Why does everything you say sound like it came out of the Bible?
Sophie: Thank goodness you've heard of the book.
Andy: Look, do you want the job or don't you? If you don't want it, I'll take it - I need the money!
Sophie: Unfortunately, so do I. Just tell me why...why do you want me around here?
Andy: I don't want you around here. But that nut up on the hot tin roof wants you around here. You believe in your principles, I believe in mine. Mine is this magazine, and I'll do anything to keep it from going under water.
Sophie: All right. That's your principle. mine is beathin', eatin', and livin', just like any other animal on this earth.
Andy: So much for character references. Now about salary. What did you get for teaching swimming at the Y?
Sophie: $72
Andy: Norman and I both know how to swim; I'll give you $55.
Sophie: For $55 I'll come in and poison your coffee. $72.
Andy: Fine, you're hired. Your hours will be 10 to 6, half day on Saturday. Can you type?
Sophie: No.
Andy: Can you take shorthand?
Sophie: No.
Andy: Filing?
Sophie: No.
Andy: Maybe you better come in at 11.
(Days later. Andy is tryng to work while Sophie keep distracting him.)
Andy: Just clean the room and be quiet.
Sophie: Yes sir! (Starts dusting the table, knocking the magazine onto the floor. Works her way to Andy's chair, making as much noise as possible.) I seem to be getting the hang of it.
Andy: Yes, you seem to be.
Sophie: (Knocks over the ashtray, sings as she walks towards kitchen) "Yankee doodle went ot town, ruiding on a pony, stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni..."
Andy: Youre not going to whistle the second chorus, are you?
Sophie: I just work here. I do what I'm told. (Starts whistling; exasperated, Andy grabs her and sits her at the desk.)
Andy: Alright - here's fifty addressed envelopes and fifty stamps. Don't talk. Lick.
Sophie: Are these annoucnements for next week's cell meeting, comrade?
Andy: No, they're very thin bombs. You just add water. (She laughs, starts licking envelopes.) I get the impression you don't approve of me as a person.
Sophie: If that's what you are, then I don't.
Andy: Why not?
Sophie: Because I don't approve of your character, your philosophy, your principles, your ideals, your vocation, your methods, your scruples - shall I continue?
Andy: Your opinons on anything have as much practical value as a 1939 canendar. I'm not paying $72 for a limited vocabulary. Be quiet and lick the stamps. I'm a busy man.
Sophie: So was Boothe the night he assassinated Lincoln.
Andy: Are you saying I was in on the Lincoln job?
Sophie: I'm talking about your present day activities. But I wouldn't put it past you.
Andy: Sorry, but that night I was in Philadelphia cracking the Liberty Bell. (Gathers up papers, starts up the stairs.) I can't concentrate in front of the Senate Investigating Committee.
Sophie: The truth is always difficult to face. Can my tongue rest? The well is dried up.
Andy: Look, if you're unnhapy here, why not take a job as night watchman for the Statue of Liberty? You could swim around her checking to see if the torch went out.
Sophie: "The enforcers of justice have always been the scapegoat of the enemies of freedom..." Do you know where I read that?
Andy: On the back of a Patrick Henry bubblegum card?
Sophie: The speeches of Socrates. Did you ever read the speeches of Socrates?
Andy: Im waiting for the paperback to come out.
Sophie: It's out, that's where I read it...It would shock you, Mr. Hobart, to know the amount of political literature I've read.
Andy: I'll be honest, Miss Rauschmeyer, up until now I'm not happy with your work.
Sophie: (glares at him, says to herself) I suppose next he'll outlaw apple pie.
Andy: I heard that! Which, for your information, originated in Bavaria, Germany.
Sophie: That's a lie. Apple pie is as American as blueberry pie.
Andy: The only foods indigenous to America are Thanksgiving turkey and chicken chow mein...you're deliberately distracting me from working on my magazine, aren't you?
Sophie: Each citizen must do what he can.
Andy: Of all the bigoted things - you haven't read one word in it past the table of contents.
Sophie: You don't have to drink the poison if it says so on the bottle.
Andy: I'll be in the closet working. Call me when Norman gets back.
Sophie: (follows him) Okay, tell me. Is there anything about this country you do like?
Andy: I like almost everything about this country except people who like absolutely everything about this country.
Sophie: Why dont you answer my question?
Andy: Why dont you answer my question?
Sophie: Why dont you talk like a person so I can understand which are the questions and which are the answers?
Andy: That's it - I'm going to your apaertment to work.
Sophie: If there's gonna be a fight, let's draw the battle lines on the field of the agressor. And dont bother guessing who said that cause I made it up myself.
Andy: I had it narrowed down to you or Winston Churchill.
Sophie: For your information, did you know Churchill's mother was born in the US - in Brooklyn!
Andy: You'd never guess from the way he talked. Why don't you go back to your apartment and make some chitlins or grits? Your cat must be hungry.
Sophie: I'm not leaving until you admit you are snide, smug, and narrow-minded.
Andy: Will you settle for belligerent?
Sophie: I'll settle for deceitful and treacherous.
Andy: Okay, I'm deceitful and treacherous. And you are provincial, old-fashioned, antiquated, unrealistic, unimaginative, unenlightened, uninformed, and unable to understand anythign that isn't under water...your big trouble in life is that you were born 150 years too late. You should've been at Bunker Hill loading muskets, raising flags, and waiting for the British to show up with the whites of their eyes. Well, you may be shocked to know that this is 1967 and the country has a whole new set of problems. But you wouldn't know about that because I don't thihk you're a real person of flesh and blood with feelings and sensitivities. I don't think you could be capable of having a genuine emotional attachement for any other human being unless it was first passed by Congress and amended to the Constitution and painted red, white and blue. If you've been listeneing, Miss Rauschmeyer, I have just made my point.
Sophie: (walks to the door, opens it, and then slams it shut) Alright, if you wanna make some points, then I'm gonna make one. I'm gonna make the biggest point you've ever seen!
Andy: When you get to it, raise your right hand. With you, it's hard to tell.
CALL ME!! LET'S GET TO WORK, BABY!!!!
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