I Got 99 Problems and Aspire to Have a Bitch as One

Enjoy the 99 Rules All Men Should Follow, including:

18. If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.

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“That’s right, the better looking you are, the less personality you need.  That’s why bars are so darn loud nowadays, right?  Good-looking guys want it really loud so they don’t have to talk, figuring that talking can only hurt them, right?” 

“Cool Rats!”

“Not really.  If you’re competing with a really good looking guy, that’s tough, since he might actually be really cool because he’s so good-looking, right?”

“Rats!”

“Yeah, that one sucks.”

“I’m good looking, Rats!”

“Ha!”  I tussled his hair and laughed.  “That’s right lil’ buddy, you are.”

“Not you Rats!”

“Thanks.  And you wonder why I don’t take you to The Nest with me.  But yeah, that’s why I can’t just stand there with my mouth shut, trying to look cool, and wait for women to come to me, can I?  Heck no.”

“Heck no Rats!”

“You’re a heckuva wingman, lil’ buddy.  But you’re right, I have to somehow trap a woman into my web, and then spend months making my case to her so she’ll fall in love with me.  I have to be at my best every moment we’re together, showing her my personality, my sense of humor, my thoughtfulness; I’m like Perry Mason up there.”

“Perr Mason Rats?”

“He was a lawyer on TV, but that doesn’t matter right now.  The point is, I have to make my case while knowing that at any moment, some really good-looking dude could walk into the bar and whisk her away from me without even opening his mouth.”

“Wha you say Rats!!”

“That’s right, lil’ buddy.  It’s exhausting.”

“I’m good-lookin Rats!”

I agreed once again while he gnashed his teeth together to grin as hard as he could.  Incredibly, he was still paying attention.  It was by far the longest Chuck had ever paid attention to anything I said, and of all things it was my advice about women.  The kid was screwed.

“You’ll do fine, lil’ buddy.  All you gotta do is not get fat or act like a complete idiot.  Other than that, just be as nice as possible to women at all times, and they’ll be lucky to have you.”