Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Jelly!

New York's getting a bar I'd totally be all over - a Victorian-based one inspired by Oscar Wilde:
Opulent light fixtures, custom marble, antique fireplaces, scores of paintings and photographs, and two statues of Oscar Wilde are what await at a new bar in NoMad named for and dedicated to the Irish writer. Tommy Burke and Frank McCole, who run the similarly-decorated duo of Lillie's bars—named for Wilde's longtime friend, actress Lillie Langtry—are behind this new space, which will open in late June on West 27th Street.
"Coming from County Mayo and County Monaghan in Ireland, we grew up reading Oscar Wilde and studying his literature," Burke and McCole say of their inspiration. "We want the bar to celebrate his legacy and become an inclusive destination for all."
Of course Wilde is history's all-time great quote machine. A few of my favorites:
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously-and have somebody find out.

JFK at 100

Can't tell if this guy is making fun of the Irish, but fascinating to watch.

Ugh

Cameraman: How 'bout a smile, Pope?
Pope: Just take the fucking picture.

Damn.


Would hate to be this poor bastard when he wakes up.

Fact


First Sheriff Joe, now this jerkoff. I think the lesson to learn here is that if you're a sheriff and somehow become famous, it's because you're a giant asshole.

Pretty Sure the Answer is "Before McDonald's Changed Their Apple Pies."


Roller Coaster


Life's ups & downs in a single screen-grab.

I Mean...


...if this can't get Liam & Noel back together then I am officially out of ideas.

Merry Christmas Me!


Me...

...trying to get the bartender's attention when there are girls at the bar.

Conversations with a 5 year-old:



Her: I'll still love you when you're living in a pile of garbage.
Me: wait - when will I be living in a pile of garbage?
Her: after I put you in one.

Portland

"Mr. President, as your advisor I must implore you to say something about Portland."
"Great lobster! The best!"
"Never mind."

Del Boy’s Foreign Lingo Guide


Conversations with a 7 year-old.



Her: sometimes you're wrong.
Me: and other times I'm.......?
Her: other times you're always wrong.

Arf!


If there's anything better than a dog with its head out the window I'd sure love to see it.

"Maverick"


Incredibly brave Senator once again gets "gasp, the vapors!" before determinedly remaining in lockstep with whatever Trump wants. Inspiring!

Funny Because It's True


Oh, Camon


I understand over the last few years we're supposed to hate on Tiger but I feel like this is piling on.

Why Am I Single, You Ask?


If I ever do have children, their respect for me will last right up until the moment they find this post in which I wonder "wait, wasn't the first season of Southern Charm only 30 minutes long, not 60?"

Sigh. Quite a life I'm putting together here, people.

Smile, Motherfuckers!


You never know where you may stumble onto inspiration. #smile #kitchensink

Important Announcement


3 episodes in, Season 2 is way better than Season 1.

Trump Thought du Jour


Having Trump as president is like when your 3 year-old daughter and her friends demand you watch the act they've put together: we'll indulge you for a bit, but at some point the game's coming back on and enough is fucking enough already.

Zinger du Jour


Only thing that could possibly drive Republicans crazier than a French president handing Putin's ass to him with Trump's lips wrapped around it would be having to live under a black president.

Sigh.


Can't wait for the ratings-packed 2-hour network special in which he finally announces his decision. "And the greatest, best rose, everybody says it's the best and biggest rose, I'm hearing great things, goes too..." (dramatic cut to Pizza Hut commercial)

Still a good question.


Thoughts. I Have Them.


The phrase "a bad day at the ballpark is better than a good day at work" makes no sense if you work at a ballpark.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Monday, May 22, 2017

And finally I have a reason to get married & throw a big reception.


WARNING

Watch your back, oysters...watch. your. back.

When did I...

...become the guy who folds his white t-shirts? I mean who the hell do I think I am?

WTF du Jour

My new shoes were just delivered to my apt. I glanced at the invoice and noticed it said the Chucks were for women. I can't tell any difference between a man's Chuck and a woman's but it doesn't matter right now because I'm obsessed with wondering if there's a woman out there with feet my size and the children we'd make together.

Bullshit du Jour

Jason Chaffetz: "I will dedicate every minute of the next four years investigating Hillary!"

Someone else: "Time for you to look into this Trump thing."

Jason Chaffetz: "Softball playoffs are coming up so I'm gonna go ahead & retire from Congress."

Hmm du Jour

While I appreciate Amazon Fresh's thoroughness, I feel like this is a lot of ice packs for a single head of lettuce.

Tommy Stinson Ranks The Replacements' Albums

His choice for #1 is nuts but this is still interesting.

My 2018 Is Looking Up

Ooooooooooh, SOMEone

1. Is about to be single
2. Will probably be happy to just settle for a guy who doesn't take dick pics next to kids.

 #lookithtemchompers

Sure Why Not

Trump to the Vatican: "Who would you guys like for an ambassador from us?"
Vatican: "Obviously the spouse of a serial adulterer."
Trump: "On it."

True Confession Time

True story: when I was a kid I read Cracked more than Mad Magazine.

Makes for a Helluva Statue Though

He's been venerated for a long time now but was Robert E. Lee actually a good general?
Lee, they wrote, mishandled overall strategy of the war. Outmanned, Lee should have taken a more defensive posture, drawing the North into difficult Southern terrain. Instead, he was constantly on the offensive, which resulted in heavy casualties and broken spirits.

“All the Confederacy needed was a stalemate, which would confirm its existence as a separate country,” Bonekemper wrote. “The burden was on the North to defeat the Confederacy and compel the return of the eleven wayward states to the Union.”

Historian James McPherson put it this way: “The South could ‘win’ the war by not losing.” However, “the North could win only by winning.”

So This Exists

That moment when you sign up for Twitter and realize "Literally Hitler" is already taken. Sad!

State du Moi

Me being chased by a great white shark: "no god no god no no no god no!!!"

Me not being able to find my remote for longer than 3 seconds: "no god no god no no no god no!!!"

Well This is Nice.

I had no idea about any of this (but am totally not surprised):
“In the early twentieth century the United States was not just a country with racism,” writes Yale law professor James Whitman in his book “Hitler’s American Model.” “It was the leading racist jurisdiction — so much so that even Nazi Germany looked to America for inspiration.”

In his startling new history, Whitman traces the substantial influence of American race laws on the Third Reich. The book, in effect, is a portrait of the United States assembled from the admiring notes of Nazi lawmakers, who routinely referenced American policies in the design of their own racist regime.
USA! USA! USA!

Wow.

You don't want these kind of problems:
Mr. and Mrs. Weiner are doing something that many affluent people find very difficult to undertake: talking to their heirs about the millions they will have to manage after their parents are gone.

Persoective, People.

His thirst for cruelty and letting people die in his jails is far worse than this.

SIR!

YES! Subscribing to Acorn TV for 2 years is finally paying off!!

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

So What du Jour

Hey, we all remember when FDR didn't find out about Pearl Harbor until 1943. These things happen.

Superslice.

Hard to think of a funnier bathroom scene than this one.

Just Sayin.

I would have to guess the odds of Trump trying to escalate a pointless military action in the next day or two to distract and look "presidential" are pretty high right now.

Sigh.

Perfectly normal thing to say during a commencement address. Give Trump credit: when it comes to being a baby, he is the Michael Jordan of whiny babies. And that includes when Michael Jordan was a baby.

Even Worse...

.
..than getting shot in the head while trying to enjoy a night at the theater? That was bad too.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Teen Wolf

THIS has rocketed to the top of my "wish I had written this" list.
Finally, keep in mind that beneath all that fur, Teen Wolf is only human—or half-human, whatever—with weaknesses, just like any of us. And as a hormonally imbalanced, eternally cursed teenager, he’s particularly fragile. For one thing, at just under 70 percent, Teen Wolf’s free-throw shooting is comparatively weak; if you’ve got a kid on your team brave or crazy enough to knock Teen Wolf down with a hard foul, encourage it. Make him earn his points at the line. “Hack-a-Wolf” brought us within 10 of the Beavers during last year’s playoffs—that is, until Teen Wolf dunked eight consecutive trips down the floor from the 3-point line, putting the lead out of reach.
Every word is dynamite.

Tuesday, May 09, 2017

After All, Who Doesn't Remember Obama As the Robin Williams of the Oval Office?


Wishful Onion Submission

"Local Hero Masturbates without Porn."

Let's Do This!

Brought my walking shoes (i.e. non-Chucks), will be patting myself on the back all day re: walking home from work later on. Chances of it actually happening right now stands at 2%. Go, Team Me!

Umm...

...they become addicted to that sweet, sweet life of being takers and spend the rest of their lives driving gilded Cadillacs on the backs of hard-working Americans? Sad!

Sweet, Tasty Victory!

A coupla weeks I stumbled into the story of this 16 year-old kid who asked how many retweets it would take for Wendy's to give him free chicken nuggets for a year. They replied with the impossible number of 18 million.

The kid busted his ass asking for retweets (I happily was one myself) and while he fell far short at 3.4 million (which in fact broke the record for most retweets ever), Wendy's has wisely decided to use this as a good publicity move and give him his nuggets for the year. 

Way to go Carter!


Monday, May 08, 2017

Tu Me Manques, Paris

As thrilled (ie, relieved) as I am that Macron won the French presidency, it also reminds me of my time in Paris and how depressing it is that I'm not there right now. Come with me on a trip down memory lane (yes, of course Officecow will be there.)

The Derek Jeter Tournament

Follow along HERE. (Scroll down on that page for clips for each play.)

My Top 5, All of Which I Saw in Real Time:
The Final Walk-Off
Mr. November
Flip Play
Homer for 3,000th Hit
Relay to Get Timo


Sunday, May 07, 2017

Is He Wrong?

Other than the very things these monuments celebrate - slavery, treason - this is true. Sad!

History.

From what I've picked up recently, the Confederacy is the only part of American history that can be taught solely through random statues instead of something called "books." Nice!

This...

...is an honest empanada.

Reflections. I Have Them.

As a man with no insecurities about his own masculinity who played high school football I have no problem saying that this tiny clothespin is, in a word, adorable.

Home Decorating.

Spot above my toilet that has spent the last three years suggesting "hey dummy, maybe this is a good spot to hang a picture?"

TV Review

The PBS joint on WWI is the most frightening documentary I've seen since I saw the previews for "Greg Wilson: the Kind-of Later Years."

In a Word: YES.


This Is What's Wrong With America.

Smug liberal coastal elites making fun of Trump for not knowing that 1845 came 16 years before 1861. Sad!

2017 is Not 2016.

And didn't shoot them once. See, things really are great again. Trump!

Truth.

In this life there are many, many decisions that are extremely difficult to make. This is not one of them.

What a Total Fuckwad

JD Vance's 100-car motorcade over at the Winter Olympics is causing a stir: The VP’s enormous motorcade features dozens of Chevy Suburb...