Things I Say to My Boyfriend

"Now why would they put up an elimination playoff game against Dancing With the Stars?"

Roll Up!

Everything you wanted to know about The Magical Mystery Tour but didn't give enough of a shit to ask.

I, for one, didn't know that "mystery tours" were actual things:

The genesis of the disaster known as Magical Mystery Tour was a flight Paul McCartney took from America to England in April 1967. At the time, “Mystery Tours” were all the rage in England—these being low-budget weekend getaways, groups of people riding overnight on a bus to a surprise destination. While on the plane, Paul took a big piece of paper and drew a pie chart, hoping to fill in the blank sections with entertaining ideas for a mystery tour.

The idea lay dormant until late August of 1967, when The Beatles’ loyal and dedicated (and irreplaceable) manager Brian Epstein died of a drug overdose. A few days after Epstein’s funeral, the boys gathered together and had a meeting. According to Ringo Starr: “Paul had a great piece of paper—just a blank piece of paper with a circle on it… We filled it in as we went along.” So, with no script to speak of, the Fab Four rented a coach and hand-lettered it as the “Magical Mystery Tour,” and off they went, with the hope that this mysterious scenario might somehow prove interesting and entertaining.

Poor Pizza Choices du Jour

Via HERE:

Breakfast for Dinner Pizza by Amusebouche1: "Tomato sauce, tater tots, egg, smokey Westphalia ham/prosciutto, mozzarella and fontina, roasted garlic and diced red onions.

First of all, why bother with the egg if it's all in one bite?  And what the fuck - one tater tot per slice?  Whats the point?

Tell you what I'd like to see: tater tots crushed and spread out into an entire layer themselves. Crunchy fucking heaven.  Nom nom nom!

Wai-Wai-Wait....AND There Was Free Food?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!

Thank God He's Not Running

Already I'm exhausted by the "clever" headlines.  Maybe one last "when he broke his arm gravy poured out" joke, but camon.

Turtle Crush Update

We just had our second conversation ever.  Wtf?

Life. It's Really Happening.

A coupla weeks ago I mentioned a new Office Crush, and referred to the way she looked as "an anteater." And now I have another crush, and one glance at her and you can't help but think "turtle." And of course we all know my well-documented love of ladies who slightly resemble horses (in the face, not the penis.) - XMASTIME

For the first in the three years I've been here Turtle Crush, unprovoked, just starting chatting to me as we were old buddies.  This was the first time we had ever spoken to each other.  Unabashed, too - she might hafta leave early cause she was hungover, or sick, or both etc etc.  Hmm.

Sniff, Snifff...Memories!!!!

via jennie fennell

In Other Breaking News, I Play With My Nuts A Lot

Word du Jour

Adorkable.

Perfectly captures motherfucking Tina Fey/Whitney Cummings/Zooey Deschanel making me fucking pull my hair out watching them.  Grrrr.

Things I've Left on the Train Over the Last Two Weeks:

1) My book
2) At least three women wondering "what the fuck just touched my ass?"
3) My scrambled eggs.

:(

The Only Good Welfare is Corporate Welfare

Thinkprogress points out that It’s Not ‘Anti-Capitalist’ To Protest An Industry That Was Saved By Trillions Of Taxpayer Dollars.

But the actual organizing principle of the demonstrations is to speak with moral clarity of the economic inequality of our current system. The purpose is not to attack capitalism but rather an industry whose wealth was guarded to the hilt by government intervention — backed up by trillons of dollars of taxpayer money through programs like the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP) and near-zero interest Federal Reserve lending — a form of government intervention that the banking industry received but millions of foreclosed on homeowners and debt-laden students did not get.

This shit's maddening, that unless you're for the unrestrained tactics that leveled our economy to continue you're somehow "against capitalism."  No one's more of a commie-pinko lefty liberal than me.  And I know plenty of other people who are the same way.  And exactly nobody at any time has said "you know what we need to get rid of? Capitalism!"  Hey, I wanna be rich!  I want EVERYBODY to have the problem of wondering if buying a third yacht is a wise investment.  But it doesn't mean I need to be in love with throwing myself under the bus so that the uber-wealthy can get uber-wealthier just so I can be on "Team Capitalism", either.  There's a lot of space in the middle where the rich can get richer without so many people having to suffer for it.

But that's what we do - we walk around with "We're the 99%" posters, but come election time we keep voting in the fuckers who make it so easy for the 1% to piss all over everyone else.  And you can't blame those people for getting what they can get, it's not their job to worry about what sweetie-pies they can be to everyone else; it's us who continue to demand their tax cuts and loopholes and taxpayer-funded bailouts exist in case we wake up tomorrow with the ability to throw a 98-mph sinker, outraged that we'll then hafta pay more taxes than we did as the part-time Wal-Mart day manager (electronics section.)  So while I appreciate the Wall Street protester's doing what they're doing, it really doesn't mean anything without a seismic shift come election day, for which I won't hold my cinnamon-flavored breath.

Besides, the guy that took my job over as Nobel Laureate correctly points out the hypocrisy of calling what Wall Street's doing "capitalism" in the first place:

Nobel Laureate Joseph Stiglitz explained that what Wall Street is practicing is “not capitalism.” “We are bearing the costs of their [bankers'] misdeeds,” he said. “There’s a system where we socialize losses and privatize gains. That’s not capitalism. That’s not a market economy. That’s a distorted economy, and if we continue with that, we won’t succeed in growing.” 

A "teach-in"? How much pussy is this guy getting?!?!?!?

Doesn't Look Like It To Me.

To His Point, It Looks Like He Could Have Use More

Niggerhead

I guess we're supposed to be all worked up about Rick Perry's hunting ground being called "Niggerhead" like Joe Scarborough is.  That's nice and all, but if the election was tomorrow Rick Perry would win AT LEAST 45 million votes in America.  Never forget that in 2008 50 million people voted for a third George Bush term.  Ricky Perry could go on tv and say "I hate niggers", and millions of Americans would still vote for him, so let's not pretend he's done something "against American values."

Xmastime TV Review

How To Be a Gentleman is an astonishingly shitty show, made worse by the fact that the cast is made up of an All-Star team of supporting actors from other shows, including

Rickity Cricket from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Johnny Drama from Entourage
Dave Foley from everything he's ever done
The manager from Flight of the Conchords, ie the only reason to watch the show
Some girl who's been in every show ever named Mary Lynn Rajskub

Chris Christie is a Fat Fuck

I agree with THIS GUY re: it's hypocritical of liberals to declare Chris Christie unfit for the presidency because he's fat:

Kinsley’s and Robinson’s attacks on Christie come down to the claim that fat people choose to be fat, and could choose to be thin if they were more self-disciplined and had better lifestyle habits. Robinson advises Christie to “eat a salad and take a walk,” while Kinsley believes Christie should be disqualified from running for president until “he goes on a diet and shows he can stick to it.”

This is utter nonsense, which these two writers would recognize as such if someone were to apply their reasoning to almost any other social issue, such as poverty. What would these two double-plus good-thinking liberals say to the claim that poor people choose to be poor, and could choose to be rich if they were more self-disciplined and had better lifestyles? My guess is they would say that’s a ridiculous oversimplification, and one that is ultimately harmful to the cause of social justice. And they would be right.

But that doesn't mean we can't make fun of Christie for being a big tub of shit, and not just because he is a big tub of shit.  The thing is, Christie wears his fat like a badge of honor; he has become a YouTube sensation BECAUSE he presents himself as a whirling dervish bull in a china shop.    He's not a quiet, thoughtful governor who happens to be overweight; he is someone who has realized that overwrought bluster is a virtue when it comes to GOP voters.  So while I welcome a Christie run for president, I also welcome the Rex Ryan jokes that accompany it.

"...and then three egg mcmuffins and..."

Once you're in you're in, and there's seems to be no way out.

Via Sully we see that pundits are usually wrong.

As I wrote rather brilliantly and probably without pants HERE, getting paid millions of dollars to have such an incredible amount of influence in spite of repeatedly being wrong is a very unique thing.  Most of us get fired if we fuck up 2-3 times; meanwhile, these people get invited back again and again.  Baffling to me.   It's like the line Bill Madden of the NY Post likes to bring out about a manager who goes through his bullpen "in search of the reliever who doesn't have it."

Repitition in Culture

A coupla weeks ago the internet was abuzz with the study showing that knowing the outcome of a novel doesn't ruin the pleasure in reading it.  I've always thought this; I've had friends who made fun of me for reading a book twice (in the case of The Grapes of Wrath, every summer.)  But besides the fact that a great book can be enjoyed with repeated readings the same way a song can be enjoyed with repeated listenings, reading it a second time offers the chance to worry less about WHAT's happening and more WHY it's happening, as we peel layers off of characters and events with the knowledge of what will come later.

I also don't know why an analogy to sports was never brought up in these studies - the first thing we like to do after finding out who won a game is to watch highlights from that game, all while knowing who wins or loses, to say nothing of the fact that ESPN Classic is based entirely on watching games of which we already know the outcome.  Does anyone turn the channel away when Carlton Fisk is up in the 12th inning of Game 6? Of course not.

The Living

I've always walked around thinking in my head that a movie camera was following me, and listening to music while walking only adds a soundtrack that increases the sensation ten-fold.  I find myself breaking out at my own glee, that I'm sitting in the catbird seat remembering that it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive.