The Angry Pussy Diet

8) Yesterday I played a song on my myspace page for a friend of mine. At the end he turns to me and actually says "Why so angry, buddy?" what? Why so angry? I’m broke. I don’t have a job. I haven’t had a girlfriend since 1995, the last time I got laid the only person on steroids was Delta Burke and McNuggets are up to $5/box….why so angry?!??! I’m not angry enough!!! Fucking christ. If anyone else wants to spray a gun around a crowded room the line should start here, fuckface. - XMASTIME

I've decided the only way I'm actually gonna lose weight is to dedicate myself to doing it so that I can tell all the girls who have rejected me to go fuck themselves. I mean nothing else works - "for my health," "so I'll be around a long time," "for the children" blah blah fucking blah." Let's be real honest. The only way I'm going to do it will be through sheer, spiteful, petty anger. Every time I'm gnawing on some godforsaken vegetable and walking 3 miles, I will picture some chick that won't give me the time of day and imagine a few months from now when she's all like "oooooh, you look gooooooooooood!" and I'll be like "whatevs, h8er, suck it" and go home with one of her hotter friends. Cause fuck her, that's why.

Here's me to all them bitches later on:

If There Ever Was a Time For Me to Be Naked on the Ol' Front Stoop Scratching My Wrinkled Old Hog Balls, This Would Be It

 via FREEWilliamsburg:

In the credit-less SXT 300 Brooklyn: Williamsburg, The New Style Frontier course offered at the Fashion Institute of Technology, privileged young fashionites pay $55 to "experience the cultural vitality of the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, often referred to as the new SoHo." Fancy that!

Led by Trina Morris, a fashion publicist for Style Root PR, the seminar starts with a brief intro at FIT, followed by an exciting ride - by Subway! - to Brooklyn (subway costs not included, haha you pay now). Once here, our young explorers take in the sights, visit shops, and take notes of any "future fashion and lifestyle trends" they spot.

Here's the course description:

"Experience the cultural vitality of the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, often referred to as the new SoHo. Browse through vintage clothing and housewares that will inspire future fashion and lifestyle trends. Discover up-and-coming artists in Brooklyn's diverse galleries. Sample a great selection of restaurants, coffee houses, and family-run bakeries. Williamsburg exhibits the traditional alongside the ultra-modern, even as it changes rapidly, making it a trend hot spot. After a brief introduction at FIT, attendees travel to Brooklyn by subway."

A New Low.

When I first saw the woman who got her face ripped off on Oprah I almost cried, shocked that someone would hafta live with this. And now I wanna cry cause I realize I'm the worst person in the world for seeing her "before" picture and thinking well, at least she wasn't hot.

The Universe is a Mysterious Paramour

First I click and see that George Bush has chosen UVa as a site to conduct his presidential oral history. Which is weird, cause my first girlfriend went to UVa, and she used to looooooooove when I'd get all oral on that bush.

And then with my very next click, I land on this cheeseburger in Charlottesville, as featured today in A Hamburger Today. Which is weird, cause she used to love it when I'd make her eat raw chuck out of a doggie dish while hittin it from behind.*

I'm not a signatologist, but from what I, and the stars aligned above, can tell, is that all signs are pointing to one thing: we're getting back together!!  YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






* didn't even remotely happen

Forget What I Said Earlier Today, The Catholic Church is Very Awesome

via WaPo:

The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington said Wednesday that it will be unable to continue the social service programs it runs for the District if the city doesn't change a proposed same-sex marriage law, a threat that could affect tens of thousands of people the church helps with adoption, homelessness and health care.

Mukluks: Dependable Renegade

Happy Birfday, Hey Look, Nobody Gives a Fuck, Cause They're Douchey Assholes

Monday was the fourth anniversary of the very first Xmastime post ever. I didn't mention it, I thought I'd see if anybody would bring it up. But of course they didn't. Cause you fucking jerks are the worst fans in the world and I fucking hate you (well, not YOU. Everybody else. Fuck 'em.)

Interesting Question

I've been asking this on Xmastime forever now, but I like the way it's asked via Think Progress:

Why is it that hawkish lawmakers are so willing to spend such enormous resources in both lives and treasure on a troop surge in Afghanistan that is increasingly opposed by Americans and Afghans, but are so quick to bark at the price tag of health care legislation that could save the lives of the 45,000 Americans who die every year because they don’t have access to health care? As Glenn Greenwald notes, “Urging that more Americans be sent into endless war paid for with endless debt, while yawning and lazily waving away with boredom the hordes outside dying for lack of health care coverage, is one of the most repugnant images one can imagine.”

The answer is, of course, that if you take a cow and a pig to the barber only one of them will get a haircut, the other will get a new pair of jeans. Or "dungarees," as my mother called them. But if they both went to get their hats blocked, that would take longer because, obviously, somebody might wanna watch the episode of All in the Family where Maude comes to visit to take care of everyone who has the flu, cause it's a great episode, even if even back then you wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur with Bea Arthur's dick. The bottom line is, flannel toast. (Bears?)

Well. This is Surprising.

Marah's Fans Have Gotten Sexier

Catholibullshit II

The phrase "non-Catholic women" below should be very important. As in it's one thing if the Catholic Church says "if you have an abortion you can't be a Catholic." It's entirely different for it to play a part in denying healthcare to someone in America who is not a Catholic. "Catholic" does not mean "American," and vice-versa, and anybody not Catholic should be furious by this intrusion, whether or not he/she agrees with the Church's position. I don't think the Church would be thrilled if Congress decided to make it so that chocolate chip cookies were served at Communion instead of communion wafers. Tho it might get MY fat ass back in the fold.

Catholibullshit

Sully:

The hierarchy's growing fusion with fundamentalist Republican politics is becoming harder and harder to ignore. They can turn a blind eye to state-sanctioned torture, and to the suffering of those without healthcare, but when it comes to ensuring that gay couples are kept stigmatized or that non-Catholic women can't have access to abortion in a secular society, they come alive. There are times when it appears the only real issue for the Catholic church is abortion.

Well, obviously helping the least among us isn't something Christ might've been concerned with as much as he would be obsessed with abortion.

Even while a lapsed Catholic, I always felt the Catholic Church was above such things as whatever Fox News may be screaming about on any particular day. Now it's turning into the Christian Fundamentalists of 4-8 years ago. Even as a lapsed Catholic who long ago decided the Church was pretty full of shit this is, in a word, embarrassing.

Boy, Aerosmith Couldn't Have Picked a WORSE Time to Break Up

Rome Calling

Nice to see that after 8 years of the game being monopolized by snake-handling, strychnine-drinking Southern-fried "Christians," the Catholic Church is looking to make a splash in US politics by helping shape the healthcare bill vis-a-vis pushing for strict abortion restrictions to the House bill. Awesome. I was gonna make a "cause they of all people know that dead fetuses almost never grow up to be kids to fuck" joke, but as you people all know I like to take the adult/classy route with this kind of thing and will instead point out that  they of all people know that dead fetuses almost never grow up to be kids to make sweet, tender love to   if the Church wants to start sticking it's nose into US Congressional legislation, maybe the first day at the office should be spent removing it's own tax exempt status.

Indeed.

Headlines That Would Actually Be Newsworthy if One Word Was Changed

Tonight's Guts

That crazy hot bitch who played David Frost's girlfriend in Frost/Nixon. Gotdam.

Sniffin' Palin

Everybody is shocked that even Fox News' fact checkers have busted Sarah Palin on her "coin conspiracy theory."

I believe I speak for everybody when I say I'm shocked Fox News has fact checkers.

Also: does these mean Fox News, having dared to question Palin, is now a part of the "evil mainstream media"? And if so, where can she possibly go now on her book tour tv run? And how much will this "gotcha!!!!" moment of the evil, elite media simply pointing out that she was wrong about a simple fact turn into "victim's gold" for Sarah, her outraged supporters carrying torches through town to Frankenstein's house as per usual?

The Highway's Jammed with Broken Heroes

A friend of mine told me he was at this very show where Bruce played an acoustic Born to Run, and he said he'd never seen so many grown men crying. I of course said "you should check out my apartment on any given weeknight." And by "said" I mean "quipped."

Must say. him heading into the final verse on this version is an all-time Xmastime BFS moment.

How Fucking Out of Touch AM I?

I'm a big fan of the Travel Channel's Man vs. Food show (even tho I kinda dogged it HERE.) And I live 2 blocks from Buffalo Cantina, where I have eaten many times. And yet somehow Man vs. Food filmed a segment there, and there was a full crowd, and I wasn't even remotely aware of it until I saw tonight's show. Wtf?

Oh yeah, AND Joba fucking Chamberlain was there!!!!!!  Grrrr.

Musing.

I have never gotten a great blow job, and I have never made a great grilled cheese sandwich. I'm starting to wonder if the two are somehow connected.

The Aughts...

...in 7 minutes.

No mention of my answer to "were we safe?"  Disappointing.

The Manny Tapes

I've finally gotten off my ass and have started my Manny book. Obviously a work-in-progress, but you can peep a preview HERE. I'm pretty excited, actually.

Lesbian Muslim Crush du jour

November

Today's the first day that feels like Beatles time of the year:

Walking back to the A train after work, I thought about that passage, and the song, and I thought to myself well, MAYBE it's cold enough to be Beatles time, but I dunno; seems like there should be a sign.

May god strike me dead if I'm lying here: I walked through the GWB Terminal and into the walkway to the train...and there was some old, withered, old guy playing the saxophone ("blowin", me and my hep cats might say), and what the fuck was he playing? Hard Days Night. I was floored. I was floored, I was dumbstruck, I smiled, I laughed, I walked, I jogged, I ran, I fucking flew onto the train; I've been singing ever since.

It's cold. It's fall. About to be winter. Guess what?

Beatles time. Period.

Meanwhile, I see that A Hard Day's Night is coming on VH1 Classic at 8:00, and I just found THESE COVERS of A Day in the Life.

Beatles time. Period.

11/11

I wrote about the Marines yesterday, so I don't particularly feel the need to say anything about today being Armistice Day. But if I wasn't so grouchy and lazy today, I would probably make a joke about taking time out today to thank the KISS Army, or those who bravely fought the Cola Wars in the 1980's, but blech. Not today.

Fags.

Now THIS SHIT is actually funny.

Genius.

A guide to buffet eating. I'm pissed I didn't think of this first.

Some would discourage eating breads and soups or salads altogether. This is not a bad technique and I do advise this with small exceptions. New England clam chowder can be considered a higher priced item and can actually be quite good at a number of establishments. Chili can be added to hot dogs, hamburgers, spaghetti, potatoes or fries. You may find breads that you do not happen upon in normal dining such as cornbread, yeast rolls or naan. These can be eaten sparingly. There is never a need to eat steamed rice (shrimp fried rice in small amounts is acceptable), dinner rolls or the like, this is completely unacceptable.
The same thing goes for salads. There is no need to make a salad plate but often you’ll find nice pasta salads, cole slaws or carrot salads. These make great additions to hamburgers, hot dogs or tacos as well. Again use discretion and do not take up valuable stomach room needlessly.

The Sopranos

I had never noticed before that the episode where Christopher walks in and, when asked why he's late, answers "the highway was  jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive" is the same one where Adrianna is shot by Little Steven. Interesting.

Also: if I was a mob guy and about to kill someone, I'd say "you're gonna die in 60 seconds. What's that feel like?" I think that would be an interesting thing to know.

My Fantasies

There's nothing better than seeing those old clips of Don Rickles showing up on Carson. Which makes me wonder if there's a reason he's not a sidekick on Conan or whoever; what would be better than having a revolving door guests abused by Rickles lounging on a couch every night? Fucking a. Back up the money truck, give him a blank check. There's nobody in America who wouldn't tune in every fucking night.

Fiocucydy6s78a8dnjmnklwlwlp[997^%$#

Like I said I'm grouchy today. But in searching for my Bojangles thing earlier I came across (heh heh heh) this post, which I thought I'd put up again to remind you sonsabitches that I'm the funniest guy in the country with a clown shoe-sized dick right now.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Biscuits

Lotta talk about biscuits over here. I would make out with Sherri Shepherd if it meant a box of fucking biscuits from Bojangles would appear in my lap. Of course, ironically, I would hafta eat the biscuits to have the strength to wrestle them away from her fat jaws of death. Sigh. Ironic cycle of futility, I guess ("I can't get the job without the training, and I can't get the training without the job!")

I feel this is an opportune time to debut my new "talk to the hand" dismissal phrase: "Aw, go stick your dick in a biscuit." To be said like awwwwwgostigyadiginnabiscuit. You're welcome, America.

Speaking of Fatty from The View, she just said something odd: "I'm having a hard time finding a bathing suit that is slimming." Which is weird, cause I'd almost swear I just saw a headline that read "New line of women's bathing suits made out of magic!" Poor thing :(

Oh yeah, she also said that she's having a hard time "fighting celibacy." I can see her problem, as her only weapons are 200 extra pounds of flab and believing that the Earth is flat. Hang in there, Sherri! Stay strong!

Posted by Xmastime at 11:46 AM  

Maybe It's Time to Stop Drinking

I'm pretty sure I asked a married couple last night if they'd like me to join them for a threesome.

Brooklyn Star

Op hipped me to this joint near me a few weeks ago and I'm itching to go, if only for the biscuits (which I find highly doubtful are as good as Bojangles.)

I'm also curious that the reviewer didn't seem thrilled about the fried chicken.

And, as per usual, I'm suspicious of any place in NYC claiming to be uber-Southern, a la The Dirty Bird, as seen in maybe the single greatest restauyrant review of all time.

I guess I'm just grouchy. But I will hit this joint. And the biscuits best be as advertised!

The Kids

One day the stories will start to trickle out, not from myself but from newspaper articles or old men sitting on stoops talking, maybe people sitting around a campfire, and the kids will start to see me as the guy that once scored half of his team's points against King William, and blocked that extra point at Lancaster, and had the game-winning hit in the 1990 NND tournament, and they'll start to look up to me as some freakishly famous, accomplished athlete instead of simply The Godfathah/Manny/big dumb guy that won't stop touching noses and saying "boop!!" They'll probably start acting differently around me, deferentially with a reverance of which I may deserve, but certainly get enough of from everyone else and would rather just be what I already am to them: a big ol' teddy bear.* Ah well. They won't be little kids forever, I reckon. And I am what I am.**












* who, of course, once scored half of his team's points against King William, and blocked that extra point at Lancaster, and had the game-winning hit in the 1990 NND tournament

** a guy that once scored half of his team's points against King William, and blocked that extra point at Lancaster, and had the game-winning hit in the 1990 NND tournament

Semper Fi

As well as Sesame Street, apparently today is the 234th anniversary of the US Marines. My Dad was a Marine, after Sunday dinner he'd sit back with a glass of Port and talk about going around the world and into the Mediterranean Sea on a ship. He served during the Cuban Missile Crisis, and one time I asked him if they were scared of the bomb and he said hell no, they were trained to fear the 16-inch Russian bayonet. A no-nonsense group for whom the phrase uncommon valor was a common virtue was coined. Xmastime mukluks doffed!  :)

Sweet.

ZINGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Yglesias re: the absurdity that America finishes slightly behind Jupiter for paid sick leave:

It’s worth observing that this bill would, among other things, be a specific boon to parents since it would allow you to take sick leave in order to take care of a sick child. You’d think that might be the kind of thing “pro-family” conservatives would be interested in along with us godless socialists.

Where's Lee Greenwood When You Need Him?

The syphalitic, probably addicted to gerbil-porn interns over at the UG point out a graf from Sully that when I read earlier this morning, the first thing I thought of was that surely even Bin Laden today is shocked at how well his plan to fuck us up worked beyond what I'm sure were his wildest dreams, thanks to our massive over-reactions. Was hoping for a 7-10 split, and just about won the gotdam Super Bowl. In Xmastime terms, was hoping to sniff Khloe's drawers, ended up in an anal threesome with Kim and Kim's clone.

Happy Birfday!

Today is the 40th Anniversary of everybody's slice, Sesame Street. While obviously too young to remember watching myself as a kid, I do remember illWill sitting 2 feet in front of the tv, all four eyes glued to the screen in utter fascination. I tried to get The Short Bus into it for awhile, but twas futile once he fell for Curious George. And you all already know how much I love THIS SUPER-SLICE.

This one? This one's for Lil Bear:

40 Years Ago Today

Thursday, May 29, 2008

The Manny Tapes

Just now The Short Bus and I were watching Sesame Street, and The Count started singing one of his counting songs. You know that shit, like "ONE! TWO! I LIKE YOU!! THREE! FOUR! MY HYMEN IS TORN!!" Anyway he's bopping along to it, and then I start singing along with the numbers and he cuts me a look. Turns out the kid is annoyed that I know my numbers, and he doesn't. Which is funny, cause it's never bothered him that I am 5 feet taller than he is, or that I can read, speak English, vote, get my own food and don't need another person to wipe my own shit off my ass. But me knowing numbers before him? That pisses him off. Hmm.

"HAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!! That's okay, let's take a wild guess at which one of us is gonna get laid next, you sorry fat fuck!!!!"

EMERGENCY POST

Is Ali becoming hotter than Lindsay? I mean, she's got a little Salma Hayek think cooking now, no?

Of course I prefer the mother to both of them, but it looks like the youngster is coming along riiiiiiight on schedule.

The State of Rock

THIS is pretty funny.

 The band members have each earned about 1/3 as much as they would working at a 7-11, but they got to ride in a tour bus for a month.

I say it's funny because none of my friends in bands ever made it as far as being signed and having a million bucks spent on them, but it's apparently an incredibly commonplace story in "the biz."

I paid $400 to have the last Hayday record recorded. I have no idea how many I've sold, my douchebag label won't tell me. Of course, this was in 1966. The next one I do is gonna be one of those "Pay what you want" thingees, and it's gonna be filled with subliminal sounds to be picked up by the insanely rich.

I Got

Swamp ass today. Ugh. Feel bad for whichever one of you sweet, hot bitch's face I'll be sitting on tonight. Might wanna replace the usual evil-clown makeup with baby powder. Vicious.

Scene's Changing, Bro

Thank god I don't follow college football like I used to. Cause I'm only now finding out Notre Dame lost (TO NAVY???!?!?) on a safety that happened in the last minute. 15 years ago I would've hung myself in the shower. Today, I can't help but laugh at how it's straight outta this scene.

Steff: He didn't quit.
Nickerson: What did you say?
Steff: Salvucci, he didn't quit. None of us quit. I don't know. We beat those guys asses up and down that field tonight! We got nothing to be ashamed of, right? Isn't that right? Maybe the scoreboard doesn't say it, but we won that game. We held them. It was just a fluke. That's all. It's just a fluke.
Nickerson: A fluke? That pass-interference penalty was no fluke. If you had done it the way I taught you, they never would've been down there in the first place, and they never would've scored, and we would've won that game! You're just as responsible as he is.
Steff: Oh, yeah? If you would've had Rifleman hold the ball, then we would've won the game. We didn't quit. You quit!
Nickerson: Get your stuff and get the hell out of here right now.
Steff: What?
Nickerson: You heard me. You get out of here. You're through. You're off the team.

hahaha. Previous ATRM HERE.

Slice du Week

Higher and Higher, from Op's intimate night with the Boss Saturday. Everything that's great about rock 'n roll: incredible song to begin with (#12 all-time on MY GIHYB LIST....tho I am baffled why I Wanna Hold Your Hand was only #7, but whatevs). big horns. incredible backups. nobody wants it to end. even me right now, and I wasn't even there.

Higher and Higher - Bruce Springsteen

Today's "TOTALLY SHOCKING HEADLINE, AND BY SHOCKING I MEAN IF WAS A BUNNY RABBIT THAT WAS BORN LAST NIGHT" Headline

Ft. Hood

The Hawks are surely disappointed the Ft Hood shooting wasn't part of a bigger terrorist plot than what it actually was, it then giving even more credence to keeping their heads down in pushing ahead with the non-ending quasi-religious wars we've been in for almost a decade now (their other acceptable motive: "Oh, he was just a fucking nutjob!") Anything else would force them to take a moment to ask themselves hard questions, which these people do not like to do.

I would wonder how if this guy gave a lecture on the impending danger that might come from Muslims within our army in 2007 AND reports are now coming out that everyone around him thought he had started to act strangely along with maybe being in contact with "terrorists" around the globe, why was pretty much nothing done? Picture some dude on an Army base during WWII who started goose-stepping around the barracks, and making phone calls in German. Maybe even got that funny Hitler mustache for kicks. It would take about 4 seconds for them to say "this is whack shit," and he would be dealt with.

But in the Ft. Hood case, nobody really seemed to know what the guy was about. Was he serious about his religion? Did it play any part in his contacts with other Muslims? What was he talking about? Was who he was talking to friendly or our enemy?

Nobody seemed to know for sure, certainly not enough to step and confront him and ask him about things. And why? Because everyone around him wasn't even sure if that was the right or wrong thing to do. Which to me seems fairly emblematic of the whole "war on terror." We don't really understand who we're fighting, or why, or even those who are with us and how they may be affected by the whole thing. And even if we're suspicious that someone might be cavorting with the "enemy," we're not even sure enough of things to call him on it. Yes, NOW people are coming out to voice their objections to him and how he was acting. But until now, it was pretty much like how things have been the whole time: total confusion.

Sniffity Sniff Sniff

I've written many times that we are turning into The Society of the Victim; ie the greatest thing you can be these days is a victim, and the greatest benefactor so far is Sarah Palin, as I wrote HERE with a snazzy little line about pizza & soda:

...from each knock on Palin, even if from within her own party, seems to spring the seeds of twice as many fans coming to her defense, indignant that someone is picking on her as if she was a puppy. Palin has turned into the kid at the pizza party who spills his Coke and drops his slice on the floor and everyone feels so bad for him that HE ends up at the head of the table receiving presents and getting all the attention. Awesome.

This guy HERE same the same thing vis-a-vis an article written about Palin that apparently spends 20 pages saying exactly nothing about why she's great other than some people are incredulous that she matters:

The sole legitimizing force behind Sarah Palin is the persecution that her supporters perceive that she is subjected to. It’s a movement – if we could call it that – animated by its sense of victimhood. The quantity and ferocity of criticism directed at Palin, right or wrong, is the ultimate arbiter of her worth as a political figure; what she has done, what she promised to do, what she could do, don’t seem to matter.

Will be interesting to see how far this is allowed to go. As in what if the "elites" found out that Palin was illiterate? BLAM!!!  Approval ratings double. And what if someone on the left finds out that she was born in Communist Russia and isn't a US citizen? BLAMMO!!! The left's "picking on our Sarah" would send her war chest (heh heh heh) through the roof. Awesome.

Finally.

Carrie Prejean's book Still Standing dropped today, in which she lets us know how she's withstood the 7 months of hell that is being in a beauty pageant and then getting paid to go around on countless tv shows and say things while looking hot, and then having to accept a huge advance while waiting for a ghostwriter to write her story of overcoming what to anyone else would be bordering-on-the-freakishly-not-fair-to-have-to-overcome odds. If that Ted Williams Science of Hitting book is the Bible for hitting a baseball, this will surely be the Bible for single mothers working two jobs trying to put food on the table every day. I'm not gonna call Prejean a "hero," but I can't say I'd fight it if you did.

Mad Men

The series finale was by far the best episode of the season, since it contained more actual fucking office stuff than the entire year combined, so much so that it even gave the home stuff more juice somehow (Don finding out about wifey the whore from Roger is 1000x more thrilling/hard-hitting than the weekly standard of him with that teacher/wifey standing around looking frosty/whatever blah blah blah, and certainly more chilling than him finding out from her blurting it out during a fight or whatever.) More Bert Cooper is always great (is he an actual Rankin/Bass character?), Pete Campbell's back from the dead, and it's awesome to see Don and Roger back on the screen together again.

I wonder if making a point that it was Friday the 13th will come to mean something? Hmm.

Anyways, exactly what I've been bitching for all year: more office shit. WHICH of course makes it even more infuriating that they stuffed all of that into the last episode, and so now we gotta wait another goddam 6 months for more and, much like my "wear the best shirt in my arsenal on Friday so all the girls will have all weekend to think about how cool I looked" high school policy, they know my now having nothing but good memories will have me chomping at the bit when it comes back. At which point they will probably do the exact same thing next season. Grrr.

BallBuster said it right, tho. I will miss the office itself. My favorite character (without titties.)

Incredibly, I Was Even Gayer at 21

journal entry

December 27, 1993 
Why does __________ get so fucking riled up about whether or not I eat his goddamned oysters or collard greens? Why? I'll tell you why - cause he's a fucking moron, that's why. Moron. Morons are the people that make a huge deal about you not tasting their precious fucking food. Oh, what, does it hurt their moron feelings? Morons are the people that come into the living room and change the channel to something nobody else wants to watch, and then leave the room. Then the same morons come back in the room half an hour later and want to know why the fucking channel has been changed. Morons. Fucking morons. Let's put them all together and make them their own state. The state of Moron.

Xmas River

Andtheend hittin Bruce doing The River has me all verklempt and upset that I lost my own definitive version of what The River should've been a coupla years ago, and now I feel like I don't have the strength to go through piecing it back together again. Not at my age. It's a young man's game.

But I at least did pick out the cuts that go on it. I'll get a night's sleep, come back tomorrow and sequence them. Christ. Exhausted already.

The Ties That Bind
Two Hearts
Independence Day
I Wanna Marry You
The River
I'm a Rocker
Fade Away
The Price You Pay
Wreck on the Highway
Roulette
Dollhouse
Where the Bands Are
Living on the Edge of the World
Take 'em as They Come
I Wanna Be With You

10:07pm update: I just saw the picture below on Backstreets re: last night's show. How the FUCK did he not play my slice of slice of slices Take 'Em as They Come?!?!?!?!?  grrrrr.

KGBeatles

PBS is trying to tell me The Beatles had more to do with ending communism in Soviet Union than Gorbachev. Seems like a stretch. But I'll give it a chance!

9:14pm: the bit about bootlegs being made by recording Beatles songs off Radio Luxemburg and then cutting the record onto a used x-ray, rolling it up a coat sleeve and selling it is pretty amazing. Brilliant.

Healthcare Reform's Thunder? Stolen.

My High School is Still Struggling On the Gridiron Since My Graduation.

Well. This is Disappointing.

Baldwinmania

Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but 30 Rock is fucking unwatchable. Sorry. It is.

EXCEPT.

Alec Baldwin. Is unbelievable. If the show was better, I'd put him in exalted Archie/Costanza status.

TNC posts this classic, a tour de force. And I'm still laughing out loud about him on the subway last week.

It Was 27 Years Ago Today

This Mount Rushmore-esque picture is the iconic centerpiece of the "Golden Age of Arcade Games," as told in the great doc Chasing Ghosts: Beyond the Arcade. I wrote about this movie in THIS POST.

In watching this flick right now, I notice that the picture was taken exactly 27 years ago today. Coincidence? Or did someone in programming actually do this on purpose?

Also awesome: The King of Kong.

Rizzo!

Today's Archie Bunker Moment

Archie Bunker: Three Men in a Tub, they had a water shortage in them days. So everything in Fairyland was in threes, you know, except the dwarfs. There was seven of them 'cause they was little and the wolf was after them so the wolf came running after them and boy he had one hell of a breath. He blew down their house and they had to find another joint so they run through the woods and they run into Goldilocks and she took them all in to live with her and there's nothin' wrong with that because she was a nice girl and they're old anyway. So they got another house but the wolf came along and blew that one down too so then they run through the woods again and they come to a brick house and that belonged to Disney so they all moved in there and started working for him.

Annoyed.

If you've got a hamburger that has 25 beef patties on it, but it turns out they're not really beef, you really don't have the street cred to puff up your chest about there being "no vegetables."

also: I've had it with people patting themselves on the back for telling everybody how great bacon is. yes Magellan, bacon is awesome. no shit.

I Am Writing a Movie

About Teen Wolf joining Eddie & the Cruisers. Will keep you posted.

Gee. That's Strange.

Joe Lieberman is Right as Always

In wondering if the Ft. Hood shooting was a terrorist act.

But, in the meantime, lemme see if I got this straight:

1) We are at war against terrorists.
2) The only part of the government that we can believe in, and throw our tax dollars without question at, is the US military
3) Who are fighting the terrorists
4) Yet who, it turns out according to Lieberman, are incapable of sniffing out terrorists within it's own ranks, including someone they had trained and employed for 21 years.
5) At which time, Nidal Hasan had some sort of remote sensor a lá Reggie Jackson in The Naked Gun activated by his terrorists friends, causing him to start shooting everybody in sight.

Of course. Sounds perfectly plausible. Matter of fact, sounds like we need to give MORE money to the Department of Defense, to defend against people who are inserted into the military and then serve quietly without notice for over two decades before finally springing their trap. Lieberman's 100% right, and we need to direct more money into the "What if Damien from The Omen was a Real Dude and That Shit Really Happened?" Fund. Thank you, Joe. You saved or asses. (whats the word on the whole "look out for niggers who are biding their time until they can make white people their slaves" meeting?)

Me: Finally Getting Some Goals Together!

While I await doing anything to resemble having a career, or a woman, or a fucking reason to live, I've decided I need to spend more time doing some "Facebook gags," starting with maybe posting something like this on my guy friend's profiles in front of everybody.

Never Mind the Bollocks, Here Come the Republicans

Tuesday is the 32nd anniversary of the Sex Pistols' classic Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols being released in America, and this coming only a few days after the GOP's embarrassing behavior in the US Congress yesterday reminded me of my post last month on the decorum of both and the effect such behavior has on different careers (ie in the exact opposite way you would think.)

I will now list the songs on the album in order of preference:

EMI
Anarchy in the UK
Holidays in the Sun
Bodies
Seventeen
God Save the Queen
Pretty Vacant
No Feelings
Liar
Problem
New York
Submission

The Ties That Bind

 Xmastime buddy Andtheend is going to see Bruce tonight, and he's playing The River in it's entirety for the first time ever. Which of course kicks things off with my slice of slices (and one of my all-time favorite middle 8s.) I'm expecting an exhaustive review, ATE!!!!!

Headlines That Would Actually Be Newsworthy

Well, I'm Awake...

...so obviously I'm watching The Rocker again.

Christ, this is a sickness. Wtf?

Things I've Noticed

Jessica Alba is so smoking hot that I just sat through about 30 minutes of Honey just to see her, and it turns out this is one of several flicks wherein I've noticed that at parties, black people seem to break out in impromptu dance, sometimes 2-3 people in choreographed steps. I was noting in my mind how foreign such an idea is to myself when it occurred to me the absurdity a black person might see in some white dude pulling out an acoustic guitar and playing the intro to Led Zep's Over the Hills and Far Away* in the middle of a party, so.





* Free Fallin' for you people born after 1980

Jon Bon Jovi

While I've always thought his music to be pretty stupid, I've always like Bon Jovi the guy; he's always great on talk shows et al and seems like a really nice, down to earth guy. So I felt really bad for him while watching the Showtime doc in a scene with him showing how very aware he is that his fans expect him to be the "Arnold Schwartzenegger" of music and nothing deeper; particularly heartbreaking is him talking about how reverent and emotional the crowd is when he covers Leonard Cohen's  Hallelujah, but when he plays an album track of his own in that same deep, earnest vein there is only polite smattering of applause as they wait for Living on a Prayer. Telling this to the interviewer seemed to pain him physically, and him being both aware of this as well as candid about it is a very touching moment. He's grudgingly accepted it, but he doesn't revel in it and make it his coolness schtick like, say, Gene Simmons. I still can't listen to the music, but it does make me root for him even harder to somehow get where he wants to be in his tying in the connection to his audience with his desire to be taken more seriously.

Incredibly Stupid Movie That Ive Somehow Seen 1000 Times; If It's On, I'm Watching.

PCU.

Maybe it's the scenes of people sitting around a humongous, incredibly old house wondering how to buy a bunch of beer. And it's definitely of my own collegiate time. I seem to be getting nostalgic these days for college, an era that mysteriously has evaded by highly-nostalgic brain zone thus far. Maybe it's the Fall? Is the only other movie that has the time and feel of my college years Singles? Hmm.

WRAR

I wrote about the vacuum my hometown radio station lives in HERE.  And just now another "classic" song from their rotation popped into my head. I promise you that within the hour this song will be played there. Awesome.

Fingers Crossed!!!

The Real Reason to Vote Democrat

Kiko Jones points out that Ari Fleischer has been studying his Xmastime, a lá today's NY Times op-ed.

I can't believe I spelled "Fleischer" right first try.

Covers

For years it became rote for "punk rock bands" to take slow ballads or folk songs and "punk them up," ie "play it really fast and ignore the nuance that probably made it a great song in the first place." Now, it looks like the reverse is happening, punk songs are being turned into folk songs for no real reason other than it seems like the thing to do. I don't know which is more maddeningly shitty to listen to, tho I do lay blame on Jesse Malin for the trend, with his shitastic slowed down covers in recent years (listening to Bastards of Young and wondering "how can I suck the life out of this song?", for instance.)

Oh look, it's the Indigo Girls determined to make Clampdown unlistenable. Awesome.

Oh, Come On

Some idiot in Long Island was killed while trying to car-surf yesterday; I say "idiot" because apparently he was too stupid to take 90 seconds and learn from the master:

Map Irony Is Always Telling

So now the healthcare bill has passed the House, which means we get to turn our attentions to watching Joe Liebermann be a complete fucking asshole. In the meantime, I'll find it fun to watch how overwhelmingly the demand for the bill to be blocked in Senate come from the states that are routinely listed as the unhealthiest (Cao dude from Louisiana being a lone ranger there in the House), tea partiers flooding the streets demanding to stay sick and broke. Awesome.

Yes. Tho Mostly They'd Be Wondering Why He Wasn't in Chains Being Whipped.

Saturday's Re-Slice

Find Your State Plate

HERE.


THINGS MISSING FROM THE PLATE:
1. Me

It's Nice to See My Work Live On

When I was in 10th grade I had no idea what the fuck my French teacher was going on about on any given day, so whenever she'd ask me a question en francais I would stall by slowly leaking out "eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" until she'd get frustrated and move on; one time I tried responding in a voice bahhing as if a sheep to distract her from the fact that not only did I not have an answer, but I didn't even know what le fuck the question was.

Amazingly, the Republicans have taken a page out of mon playbook. As flattered as I am (how'd they ever even HEAR about that stuff? kudos!!), I got thrown out of class for my efforts, so I hope they know what they're doing.



Side note: over the past few weeks I've been batting around the idea that I need to start using the phrase "J'ACCUSE!!!!!" with as much indignation and bombast as possible, sometimes even for a reason. Add it to my stable of "foreign gags."

Sounds About Right

The REAL Mvp

Team of the Decade

Obviously I'm heavily biased since I'm a Yankees fan. But this seems pretty black and white to me.

2000-2009:
Red Sox: 2 World Series titles, 2 league titles, 1 division title, 920 wins, .568 winning percentage
Yankees: 2 World Series titles, 4 league titles, 8 division titles, 965 wins, .597 winning percentage.
Head to Head, Yankees +14 (only once in all 10 years did Boston win the season series) 

Throw in one inexplicable Mariano-not-being-Mariano moment and David Wells' fatback, and the WS titles would be four. But that's just me being a whiny Yankees douchebag.

But even with the numbers as they really are, I'd like to hear a pro-Sox argument here.

Facebook.

 Starting today, I am going to start using this button a lot. I am thinning the herd out; trimming the shit down to the bare minimum now that I'm aware the FB cops won't come beating down my door. Are you going to be cut? Probably. Maybe. Hey, I'm trying to put together a fucking life over here, people!

Any of you chicks who wanna secure a place on my Facebook frontlines, I'm sure you'll do the right thing with some scantily-clad photos sent my way.

Now, nurse...scalpel please.

A Modest Proposal

This is what drives me crazy about the stupidity of Congressmen et al allowing themselves to drown in their own hypocrisy. For instance, Tom Tancredo KNOWS he got a deferment for Vietnam while supporting it, and he KNOWS that in today's internet age someone might find that out in about 3 seconds. So you'd think he's be smart enough to think "maybe I shouldn't be the guy to go on tv and talk about what's good for veterans."

Meanwhile, we can't go a year without some politician getting busted for having a gay lover despite the fact that he's been at the forefront of the "Fags are gonna ruin America and they all will burn in hell!!!!" crowd. It's always the squeakiest wheel that gets the cocoa butter, isn't it? Now, can't two politicians such as these get together and "trade" their causes, therein giving the same quantity of representation to those causes, but not setting themselves up for the inevitable exposure of hypocrisy?

They should have an "Issues Fantasy League Draft" scenario. Or, better, a sort of general manager trades meeting. "Senator A has been cheating on his wife, so he'll trade his FAMILY VALUES platform to Senator B, who is a great family man but got outta Vietnam via a rich uncle, so he's swapping with Senator A, who served brilliantly in Vietnam."

I mean for chrissake guys, meet in the backroom of a Rob's Big Boy, sort this shit out and try to fool us.

I Guess The Shit's Always Sucked

Like anyone else, I like to spend a lot of time talking about how much popular music sucks compared to "back in my day." Then I see in Rolling Stone the Top 10 for this week in my senior year of high school, Nov. 1989:

1. Roxette - Listen to Your Heart
2. News Kids on the Block - Cover Girl
3. Janet Jackson - Miss You Much
4. Tears for Fears - Sowing the Seeds of Love
5. Bad English - When I See You Smile
6. Aerosmith - Love in an Elevator
7. Bobby Brown - Rock Wit'cha
8. Motely Crue - Dr. Feelgood
9. Paula Abdul - (It's Just) the Way That You Love Me
10. The B-52s - Love Shack

I wasn't listening to pop radio any more then than I do now, and I have no idea what the Top 10 is right now, but it's hard to believe it's much worse than that list. Good god, man.

Mixed Taped Up

I don't know if the Mix Tape Website I keep yammering about has actually happened, but it looks like someone has "written" a book about mix tapes.

Cassette from My Ex: Stories and Soundtracks of Lost Loves shares sixty hilarious, nostalgic and heartbreaking stories stories all about crushes and mixtapes.

I have quotes around "written" since I wonder how I too can make money on a book wherein people do the writing and I do the ol' cut & paste. Interesting.

Also, as per the mix tape listing he posts at bottom of the page: Unsatisfied is a side 2 opener, not side 1; Side 1 opener is the balls-out, getting-ready-to-go-out-on-Saturday night cut of which there is no slowdown if any til song 4 (ballad.) Side 2 is always the more reflective of the openers (lone exception: side 2 may open with Born to Run.) Also, two bands taking up the first four songs is no good. I won't even comment on the fact that out of 200 Ramones song this jerkoff choosing Spiderman. I'm assuming maybe there's a specific reason. Like, the person's a fucking idiot, for instance. Also, anything from The Clash off Sandinista! that is not Police on My Back/Lose This Skin/Somebody Got Murdered/Hitsville UK means the mix taper is trying too hard to show how "cool" he is and should be immediately frozen out. Just a fact.

Surprise Slice du Jour

The Boys and Girls Guide top Getting Down

If only for my introduction to the term "fauxmosexual":

1) pretend you're gay
2) girl let's guard down, let's you paw her fake titties
3) you "feel icky!", which prompts her to see you as a challenge
4) "camon, you've never done it with a woman before?" you seem horrified at the idea
5) but eventually agree to let her have a crack at "turning you"
6) hit skins

Brilliant. Heading to the gay store now.

Xmassy Thoughts

1) I'm officially changing my default cheeseburger cheese from cheddar to American. Just something abut the way it melts.

2) Shouldn't Rainn Wilson just get it over with and officially change his name to Dwightfromtheoffice?

3) I just saw this A-Rod quote from today's ticker-tape parade:

“I wish we could just continue to show up and play for no reason. No umpires. No scores. Just show up and have fun like a softball league.”

AMAZING XMASTIME IDEA: How awesome would it be to have a reality show about a major league ballplayer, a year after retiring, joining some random, kinda crappy, co-ed Sunday beer league? I mean, there's some dudes in the league I'm in that scare the hell outta me; can you imagine standing there and A-Rod walks up to the plate?

I see a few ways that it could go that would pull you in like a mofo:

a) guy inexplicably struggles, can't seem to get a hit and fucks up in the field. The drama of having a major league player fucking up would be amazing. Pressure builds every week as he's embarrassed and pressing.

b) somehow throughout the season the athletic, rich, famous ballplayer forms a friendship with the last guy on the bench, some nerdy loser who isn't really well-known throughout the league and isn't a good player at all, and has zero confidence in himself.* In a word: touching!

c) the guy's competitive instincts kick in and as the games go by he completely unravels at everybody else's lack of talent compared to his own; by midseason he's screaming at a girl for dropping a ball, and everybody hates his guts.

Only rule: he can't pay for everybody's beers after the game.

I'd watch!!!!



* I haven't had my nightly sobbing for tonight yet, so this scenario reminded me of this bit from the Pete Maravich book I posted about a few years ago:

He saw a runty kid with a buzz cut get off the bus crying. The boy was eight years old, and he wanted to go home. The other kids teased him. He couldn't shoot. Then he'd get all nervous, which only made it worse. He'd start throwing up airballs.

So Jaeson took him to the gym every morning at 10:30 when everybody else was at the snack bar. They worked on mechanics and form, and by the end of the week the kid hit three foul shots in a row. He was never going to be a ballplayer. But three in a row was something he'd always remember.

And so would Jaeson.

Without warning, the kid put the ball down and gave him a hug.

It was better than a 40-point game.

Maybe the major leaguer starts working with the loser guy privately on his game, practicing for hours by themselves, and the guy stuns everybody in the playoffs with a big hit? Waterworks, flodding across the land!!!!!!!

The Rocker

Why can't I stop watching The Rocker over and over? Wtf?

I guess cause Rainn Wilson ("Fish") is so perfect in it. Hysterical, but, unlike Jack Black in School of Rock, very likable, you root for him and sympathize with him the whole way. The manager dude from SNL is funny. The guys in Vesuvius are hysterical, and Howard Hesseman's line about a hand sanitizer almost steals the movie. And they didn't cliché it out by having Wilson and Christina Applegate hook up in the end. And there's the whole they didn't get Will Ferrell thing. I'm hooked. Grrr.

Matt Gadman: Sorry, uncle Rob. Where we playing too loud?
Robert 'Fish' Fishman: Too loud is not in my vocabulary.

Kim: I just think that you might want to start to take it easy.
Robert 'Fish' Fishman: Take it easy? Thanks, The Eagles!

Curtis: I thought you were supposed to be the responsible adult.
Robert 'Fish' Fishman: Oh I'm responsible alright. Responsible for partying till my nuts catch fire!

Robert 'Fish' Fishman: It is never to late to rock n' roll!
Stan: Alright, alright. Come on guys, stage dive. Stage dive!
Robert 'Fish' Fishman: Stage dive!
Stan: Yeah, we'll body surf you out the front door.
Robert 'Fish' Fishman: Rock n' roll.
Robert 'Fish' Fishman: Rock n' roll.!! Ow ow ow, watch my carpal tunnel.

More Cheeseburgers

You people might remember a few weeks ago when I wrote my thoughts on the many different style of burgers HERE.

Now some guy has decided to give us his "16 Pearls of Cheeseburger Wisdom," the first pearl of course being a nice little vignette about wanting to puke in a bucket. How sexy. So of course I thought I might see how much I agree or disagree with dude.


1) Ketchup and mustard are overrated as condiments. Agreed. You guys know how I feel about ketchup, and mustard just doesn't belong on a burger. I like the unique, creamy taste of mayo, and just as with my lovemaking if I can't have it I prefer to go dry.
2) Tallgrass beef, for the most part, lacks the unctuousness, moisture content and brawny flavor I seek. I have no idea what this means, although I do know "unctuousness" means "addicted to mouse ass." I don't know what that has to do with cheeseburgers, but if you're having sex with mice maybe you have bigger problems than some dude doesn't like the taste of your "tallgrass beef." Not sexy, brah.
3) Texture and mouth feel are important considerations. In a step-daughter, yes. Cheeseburger? Yes also. I'm more of a texture guy than flavor guy with a lot of foods anyway.
4) Favorite casual sit-down chain restaurant burger? He says Red Robin's A.1. peppercorn burger. I'd say Wendy's, which is unfortunate since if I could've truthfully said Dairy Queen it would give me a chance to remind you guys for the 18000th time I fucked a girl in the DQ shitter once. But alas. Maybe just to spice things up a bit, next time I'll switch the words around and say "I fucked a girl in the shitter at the DQ once." That help move things along, make it a lil more exciting? Yes? No? How bout if I throw in a midget and his wheelchair-bound Indian sidekick?
5) Favorite turkey burger? N/A. Almost disqualifying, matter of fact. Fireworks on the 4th of July, she wears matching bra and underwear on your birthday, and you eat goddam turkety on Thanksgiving, not in a fucking burger. Yes, this is why they hate us. Grrr.
6) A burger labeled "kobe" is misleading. I believe you guys already know my "Will Not Eat Burgers Named after Rapists" policy. Again, does this make me a hero? Probably. I also can turn into a werewolf while playing basketball, but you people can't be bothered to hear about that because whenever I try to tell the story I start moving and shaking like a maniac, so fuck yall.
7) The best patties I've had are cooked on a griddle top. I can agree with that. "Something about stewing in their own fat." I'm down with that too.
8) Fries? Glad you asked. "Although french fries fried in duck fat are in vogue, serious gourmands know potatoes fried in beef tallow are far superior." Remember when all the vegetarians were upset cause they hadn't realized they were sucking down beef tallow every time they went to McDonalds? Just like when Costanza slipped some shellfish into that bitch Jew woman's eggs, or whenever I punch holes in the condom with a pin before fucking a prostitute, right? HAHAHA!! Anyone else laff their heads off at this? Fuck you, assholes!!!! If you're a vegetarian, stay the fuck outta McDonald's! I don't walk into your barn-raisings, and you stay outta my McDonalds. This reminds me of "Something about stewing in their own fat" from #7, since the girl who gave me the best blow job I've ever gotten happens to be a vegetarian who mysteriously weighed about 900lbs, and the morning after she gave me mouthal relations I woke up to find her stewing in my drunk-piss. Man. I wonder what happened to her. Drafted by the Rams?
9) Consider balance. Don't just pile your favorite ingredients and accouterments between two buns. I rarely put anything other than cheese/lettuce/mayo on my burgers, so this doesn't really affect me. SOMEtimes some onion, but rarely. I also once hit a dog and kept on driving, so.
10) Steer clear of feta, bleu and brie as cheese options. I didn't know these were fancy-schmancy cheeses were options for burgers. Where's this guy eat, The White House? I was gonna throw in a "of course not, they have fried chicken at the White House now" joke, but I had already hit "PUBLISH POST," so it was too late.
11) Lettuce and tomatoes end up getting in the way. YES!! TOTALLY AGREE!!. Especially tomato, one big honking slice of tomato, and that's all you can fucking taste or feel. Never understood why this was a default condiment. But then I'm on the verge of almost thinking about getting my own checking account, so I've had bigger things to be thinking about.
12) There is no greater flavor combination than bacon plus cheese plus caramelized onions. Maybe, but not on burger. Number one, I don't like onions cooked. But I also don't like bacon on my burger; unless it's on a pizza, I have a one-meat-per-bite rule. There's something oddly incestuously cannibalistic about mixing meats like this. Hell, you'd think me of all people would appreciate it more considering the number of times I've been banging out some broad from behind and looked down to see another chick has slid under us and it tonguing my dick and the other chick's pussy. And yet I still seem unmoved about the whole bacon on a burger thing. I am an enigmatic cat.
13) Look out, bacon. Egg with runny yolk is the new sexy topping. Eeeeeeeeeeeewww. The only eggs I wanna see running are in the toilet bowl after a "scare."
14) Best bang for your buck. Schoop's (19 locations, mostly in northwest Indiana and Calumet region of Illinois), and Illinois Bar and Grill. Wow, this is really handy information to have if I ever find myself in northwest Indiana or the Calumet region of Illinois. Which means he might as well have said "300 years into the future," cause I ain't going there either.
15) Favorite fast-food burger? A tie between Steak 'n Shake, above, and Schoop's. I don't know Schoop's but I have never had a better burger than the Shake Shack. Although like calling my ex-girlfriend a "human being that showcases the thoughts and emotions of someone who is aware of other people's feelings and is somewhat wary to hurt them by turning into a complete cum-guzzling, cock-craving whore," I'd say that calling the Shake Shack "fast" food is a bit of a misnomer. But it is an amazing burger.
16) The biggest rule of all: There is no rule. If it tastes good to you, it tastes good. Well. That sounded gay.

Corporate America

Hot dogs, cupcakes and beer for free. I might start crying.

Programming Note

Upon receipt of an email from his wife that he has spent the last 4 hours “shuffling around the kitchen in his robe, alternating between sobbing and mumbling ‘i want the real leads, i want the GLENGARRY leads!’ while combing a doll’s hair (very nicely, actually),” I have decided to commute Marley’s sentence and lift the ban on him. Let it be known from here on that my mercy, like the subjects of my jerkoff fantasies, knows no bounds.

Speaking of Bachmann's Rally...

BACHMANN: Today people told me they heard that call out on your show on Friday night, and they immediately started contacting other people. And this was totally word of mouth. This was nothing that we organized, nothing that we planned. We didn’t order one bus, one carload. Nothing. Complete word of mouth. And estimates are anywhere between 20 and 45,000 people had assembled.

I understand her wanting to paint the thing as an organic outburst of populism. And I understand her need to go on FOX News and SAY how "organic" it was, since FOX News has millions of viewers. Which is also why I don't know how she could be so stupid to actually mention, in the very same sentence, that FOX News had mentioned the upcoming rally. FOX announcing it to it's viewers isn't "word of mouth," it's "massive advertising." For instance, if I wanted to sell pictures of the next dump I take and FOX mentioned this, they have so many viewers that there would be someone watching that would buy the pictures. "Organic." Fucking christ.

Congressional Flames

I mentioned back HERE in April my incredulity that it wasn't just Glenn Beck egging tea partiers on, it was actual members of Congress. AND I had a pretty good Throw Mama from the Train zinger at the very end. And today Andrew Sullivan wrote about yesterday's Bachmann "rally" :

And yesterday, the House GOP leadership gave their blessing to a raggedy bunch of extreme anti-government fanatics whose rally contained the following elements:

The angry folks at the protest -- which attracted several thousand conservatives -- held up signs with messages of hate: "Get the Red Out of the White House," "Waterboard Congress," "Ken-ya Trust Obama?" One called the president a "Traitor to the U.S. Constitution." Another sign showed pictures of dead bodies at the Dachau concentration camp and compared health care reform to the Holocaust. A different placard depicted Obama as Sambo. Yes, Sambo. Another read, "Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds" -- a reference to the anti-Semitic conspiracy theory holding that one evil Jewish family has manipulated events around the globe for decades.

This kind of rhetoric - on the same day that the Fort Hood massacre took place - is gasoline on a fire of atavistic hate. Someone in the GOP leadership needs to call it out - before its logic propels us toward more violence and social division.


This kind of rhetoric is simply unacceptable for a major political party to institutionally embrace in a civil democracy.

I'm guessing this whole chapter is going to end badly, but I must say in the GOP's defense re: fanning these flames, one time Tom Cruise let a bunch of hookers into his house while his parents were away, and he ended up not even getting in trouble, so I guess you never know.

After School I took a J-O-B

A lot of people on the right like to cry "where are the jobs? Where the jobs?" Of course one sector that could create a ton of jobs that would both employ people and better the badly-in-need-of-repair infrastructure of the country while they're at it would be the government. But of course if the government stepped in and said "hey, we could create some jobs!" the right would pass out from screaming "socialists!!!!"

Krugman:

You can make a pretty good case that just employing a lot of people directly would be a lot more cost-effective; the WPA and CCC cost surprisingly little given the number of people put to work. Think of it as the stimulus equivalent of getting the middlemen out of the student loan program.


So why aren’t we doing this? Politics, of course: government is the problem, not the solution, even when it is, you know, the solution, and cheaper than running things through the private sector.

I guess I'm more of a Keynesian (lookit me, dropping economists names like mad rhymes, bitches!)  I've written many times here I'm a big WPA guy. And I loves me some titties also, btw. But obviously the government can only create jobs if it involves defense, or handing out money to millionaires who have gambled other people's money away. Of course.

Mo'niqué

Apparently Mo’nique is Oscar-worthy in this new flick she’s in. While that’s great for her, I’m not sure I really wanna see her in a serious role. I know that’s stupid of me, but Mo’nique is one of the funniest people on the planet. Mostly though, this whole post is another excuse to post THE GREATEST MOVIE SCENE OF ALL TIME.

I Am Turning a Corner!

I’ll be honest - watching Marley et al lose their shit re: something I posted is a bit of a rush, to the point that I don’t really care if I’m right or wrong as much as imagining them screaming at their computers. That’s a dangerous thing, and I can see how easy it would be to do while getting paid for it. I know how Glenn Beck feels now.

I AM NOW THE GLENN BECK OF THE BLOG WORLD!  YESSSSS!!!!!

Hold Up.

There is a video floating around somewhere of Miss California LITERALLY FINGER-BLASTING HERSELF

why have I not heard of this before now? What the fuck is wrong with you people? (taking off pants, Googling) 

The 2009 Neew York Yankees

Along with the yin-and-yang of the old guard and the new guys and the gray hairs and the youth, there is a nice symmetry to Matsui winning the World Series MVP; it feels like he's standing for all the guys that came and went since 2000 without getting a ring. Some were good Yankees (Giambi, Moose) and some were douchebags (Johnson, Brown, Sheffield.) Matsui was always the best of them all, a great Yankee. Nice.

Bittersweet

 Seeing Jeter/Pettitte/Posada on Letterman last night like they were Don Rickles reminded me that the end is near, and though I have been hard on all of them at times when that day comes I'm probably gonna cry like a baby. I was lucky to have walked right into this team 12 seasons ago, like a kid born at the right time to worship Mantle. Ah well. I guess maybe then it'd be time to talk to a living woman, or get a real job. Hmm.

The Manny Tapes (Memory Lane)

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The Manny Tapes

Probably a cute image: Me lumbering down the street slightly hunched down with Short Bus reaching up to hold my hand as he scrambles to keep up with me.
Probably not so cute: In a split second of loss of focus, walking Short Bus into a trash can.








"HAHAHAHAAHAHA!! Hey, we're all just glad you're out walking, you fat fuck!!!"

Ft. Hood

The shooting at Ft. Hood should probably remind us what happens when we continually send people into war zones for repeated tours with no end in sight and no attainable goals clearly defined. Traumatic mental stress builds up in the BEST or war scenarios, and certainly in ones that don't make a lot of sense to everybody.

But of course, I understand our desperate need to flush billions of dollars down the shitter every week in the name of scaring ourselves instead of using the money to actually better the country, so I'm not going to sit here and pretend I think this will be the last time this happens anytime soon.

Slice...Plus