Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Monday, May 22, 2017

And finally I have a reason to get married & throw a big reception.


WARNING

Watch your back, oysters...watch. your. back.

When did I...

...become the guy who folds his white t-shirts? I mean who the hell do I think I am?

WTF du Jour

My new shoes were just delivered to my apt. I glanced at the invoice and noticed it said the Chucks were for women. I can't tell any difference between a man's Chuck and a woman's but it doesn't matter right now because I'm obsessed with wondering if there's a woman out there with feet my size and the children we'd make together.

Bullshit du Jour

Jason Chaffetz: "I will dedicate every minute of the next four years investigating Hillary!"

Someone else: "Time for you to look into this Trump thing."

Jason Chaffetz: "Softball playoffs are coming up so I'm gonna go ahead & retire from Congress."

Hmm du Jour

While I appreciate Amazon Fresh's thoroughness, I feel like this is a lot of ice packs for a single head of lettuce.

Tommy Stinson Ranks The Replacements' Albums

His choice for #1 is nuts but this is still interesting.

My 2018 Is Looking Up

Ooooooooooh, SOMEone

1. Is about to be single
2. Will probably be happy to just settle for a guy who doesn't take dick pics next to kids.

 #lookithtemchompers

Sure Why Not

Trump to the Vatican: "Who would you guys like for an ambassador from us?"
Vatican: "Obviously the spouse of a serial adulterer."
Trump: "On it."

True Confession Time

True story: when I was a kid I read Cracked more than Mad Magazine.

Makes for a Helluva Statue Though

He's been venerated for a long time now but was Robert E. Lee actually a good general?
Lee, they wrote, mishandled overall strategy of the war. Outmanned, Lee should have taken a more defensive posture, drawing the North into difficult Southern terrain. Instead, he was constantly on the offensive, which resulted in heavy casualties and broken spirits.

“All the Confederacy needed was a stalemate, which would confirm its existence as a separate country,” Bonekemper wrote. “The burden was on the North to defeat the Confederacy and compel the return of the eleven wayward states to the Union.”

Historian James McPherson put it this way: “The South could ‘win’ the war by not losing.” However, “the North could win only by winning.”

So This Exists

That moment when you sign up for Twitter and realize "Literally Hitler" is already taken. Sad!

State du Moi

Me being chased by a great white shark: "no god no god no no no god no!!!"

Me not being able to find my remote for longer than 3 seconds: "no god no god no no no god no!!!"

Well This is Nice.

I had no idea about any of this (but am totally not surprised):
“In the early twentieth century the United States was not just a country with racism,” writes Yale law professor James Whitman in his book “Hitler’s American Model.” “It was the leading racist jurisdiction — so much so that even Nazi Germany looked to America for inspiration.”

In his startling new history, Whitman traces the substantial influence of American race laws on the Third Reich. The book, in effect, is a portrait of the United States assembled from the admiring notes of Nazi lawmakers, who routinely referenced American policies in the design of their own racist regime.
USA! USA! USA!

Wow.

You don't want these kind of problems:
Mr. and Mrs. Weiner are doing something that many affluent people find very difficult to undertake: talking to their heirs about the millions they will have to manage after their parents are gone.

Persoective, People.

His thirst for cruelty and letting people die in his jails is far worse than this.

SIR!

YES! Subscribing to Acorn TV for 2 years is finally paying off!!

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

So What du Jour

Hey, we all remember when FDR didn't find out about Pearl Harbor until 1943. These things happen.

Superslice.

Hard to think of a funnier bathroom scene than this one.

Just Sayin.

I would have to guess the odds of Trump trying to escalate a pointless military action in the next day or two to distract and look "presidential" are pretty high right now.

Sigh.

Perfectly normal thing to say during a commencement address. Give Trump credit: when it comes to being a baby, he is the Michael Jordan of whiny babies. And that includes when Michael Jordan was a baby.

Even Worse...

.
..than getting shot in the head while trying to enjoy a night at the theater? That was bad too.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Teen Wolf

THIS has rocketed to the top of my "wish I had written this" list.
Finally, keep in mind that beneath all that fur, Teen Wolf is only human—or half-human, whatever—with weaknesses, just like any of us. And as a hormonally imbalanced, eternally cursed teenager, he’s particularly fragile. For one thing, at just under 70 percent, Teen Wolf’s free-throw shooting is comparatively weak; if you’ve got a kid on your team brave or crazy enough to knock Teen Wolf down with a hard foul, encourage it. Make him earn his points at the line. “Hack-a-Wolf” brought us within 10 of the Beavers during last year’s playoffs—that is, until Teen Wolf dunked eight consecutive trips down the floor from the 3-point line, putting the lead out of reach.
Every word is dynamite.