Friday, July 31, 2015

War is Hell

David Jason has always said that the Series 1 finale The Russians are Coming is his favorite Only Fools and Horses episode, and this scene by Granddad is why.

Thursday, July 30, 2015


Here's the first person auditioning to read my book for an audiobook. Trippy as fuck. And the dude sounds 70. But still trippy.

No Club

I wouldn't call myself an introvert, but I pretty much agree with everything HERE re: why clubbing sucks. And I have no idea why people insist on doing it.

Strangest Gig Ever?

Julian Temple's been sitting on footage of the Sex Pistols playing an afternoon show for kids for 40 years:
At the time the Sex Pistols were banned from playing almost anywhere in the UK. In Huddersfield the Fireman had been on strike for nine weeks and were struggling to feed their families. The Sex Pistols played a benefit gig on Christmas day 1977 for the fireman and their families. There were two gigs, a party in the afternoon for the children and a gig for the adults in the evening.

Footage of Rotten and Vicious larking around with the children with Rotten letting the kids cover him in cake is just priceless.


This is some of the most classic 7 minutes on tv. Awesome.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

How to Eat a Goddam Hot Dog

I mean, camon ya'll.

Goals. I Have Them.

Dear lunch baked chicken: someday, I’m gonna pick you up with my hands to eat you like you're deep-fried and I won’t care who in the office sees me.

How the Hell Have I Missed This Show?

Can Someone Please Give These Jerkoffs a Coach?

Scott Walker walks into Philly, immediately fucks up his cheesesteak order.

For fuckssake. When in NYC, fold your goddam pizza. If you're a Republican, don't use rock songs. If you're asked for your favorite baseball team, actually fucking choose one. Etc. Etc. Etc.


Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I Seem to Be In a Clash Mood Tonight

My favorite Clash song is Death or Glory (which curiously has not one but TWO middle 8s), and it's also one of the first songs my friend Ryan taught me how to play on guitar 23 years ago.
And every gimmick-hungry yob digging gold from rock 'n roll,
Grabs the mike to tell us he'll die before he's sold,
But I believe in this and it's been tested by research,
He who fucks nuns, will later join the church.

Questions. I Have Them.

Is this the greatest song ever made by a guy who would go on to be defined in one of the world's biggest bands of all time? #joestrummer

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Sometimes I wonder if I miss the good ol' days, when we'd challenge each other's manhood by breaking into song.

Funny Aussi

The Saddest Line in Literature?

On the heroic death of Gavroche:
This grand little soul had taken its flight.

Just a Reminder

This is never, ever not funny.

I Got 99 Problems and Aspire to Have a Bitch as One

Enjoy the 99 Rules All Men Should Follow, including:
18. If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.

“That’s right, the better looking you are, the less personality you need.  That’s why bars are so darn loud nowadays, right?  Good-looking guys want it really loud so they don’t have to talk, figuring that talking can only hurt them, right?” 
“Cool Rats!”
“Not really.  If you’re competing with a really good looking guy, that’s tough, since he might actually be really cool because he’s so good-looking, right?”
“Yeah, that one sucks.”
“I’m good looking, Rats!”
“Ha!”  I tussled his hair and laughed.  “That’s right lil’ buddy, you are.”
“Not you Rats!”
“Thanks.  And you wonder why I don’t take you to The Nest with me.  But yeah, that’s why I can’t just stand there with my mouth shut, trying to look cool, and wait for women to come to me, can I?  Heck no.”
“Heck no Rats!”
“You’re a heckuva wingman, lil’ buddy.  But you’re right, I have to somehow trap a woman into my web, and then spend months making my case to her so she’ll fall in love with me.  I have to be at my best every moment we’re together, showing her my personality, my sense of humor, my thoughtfulness; I’m like Perry Mason up there.”
“Perr Mason Rats?”
“He was a lawyer on TV, but that doesn’t matter right now.  The point is, I have to make my case while knowing that at any moment, some really good-looking dude could walk into the bar and whisk her away from me without even opening his mouth.”
“Wha you say Rats!!”
“That’s right, lil’ buddy.  It’s exhausting.”
“I’m good-lookin Rats!”
I agreed once again while he gnashed his teeth together to grin as hard as he could.  Incredibly, he was still paying attention.  It was by far the longest Chuck had ever paid attention to anything I said, and of all things it was my advice about women.  The kid was screwed.
“You’ll do fine, lil’ buddy.  All you gotta do is not get fat or act like a complete idiot.  Other than that, just be as nice as possible to women at all times, and they’ll be lucky to have you.”

Dr. Seuss, Whack Motherfucker

For some reason they're publishing another Dr. Seuss book today, because yeah that's really necessary. The Onion nails it as usual re: Dr. Seuss highlights:
  • 1948: Whittles down 580-page manuscript on horrors of WWII into If I Ran The Zoo
  • 1960: Green Eggs And Ham delights children worldwide with its timeless message about caving in to repeated harassment
  • 1982: Feels immense embarrassment after seeing image of actual cat for first time in life
  • 2015: Local dad John Reardon powers through his 54th reading of Fox In Socks
And it turns out some people aren't in love with the good "doctor" in the first place:
There’s Jennifer Graham, who once took to The National Review as a frustrated mom.
“I always thought the point of reading to children was to teach them about language,” she writes. “How does Dr. Seuss help? Heck, he knew so few words that he had to make most of his up.”

There’s Amy Mascott, a state-certified reading specialist in Maryland, who wrote a blog post two years ago that began with a confession: “I don’t love Dr. Seuss. I don’t, and I haven’t, and I won’t. So there. I said it.”
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you call this 7 years ago?"  


All in the Gun Family

Republicans channel their inner Archie Bunker on gun control:
"I believe that, with all my heart, that if you have the citizens who are well trained, and particularly in these places that are considered to be gun-free zones, that we can stop that type of activity," Perry said during an interview on CNN's "State of the Union." This narrative is echoed across the Republican party, throughout the right wing media, and in the minds of most conservative voters. It's also eerily similar to the tone taken by the character Archie Bunker from the hit 1970s TV show, "All in the Family." 

Archie, played by actor Carol O'Conner, was a middle class citizen from Queens, NY, who was the stereotypical white conservative, filled with racial ignorance. In the episode "Archie and the Editorial," the elder conservative who would frequent "Kelsey's bar" to rant about his grievances, demanded equal time against a TV station manager who broadcasted an anti-gun speech. Ever the prototype for the modern day Tea Party movement, Archie was granted his time on the station's local channel where he explained what the country needed to do to handle gun violence.

In his rebuttal titled "Guns for Everybody," Archie gave a detailed explanation on how to stop "stick ups" and "skyjackings." "All you gotta do is arm all your passengers," Archie told the audience. "They just pass out the pistols at the beginning of the trip, and then pick them up again at the end. Case closed." Archie prefaced this by claiming their was a "conspiracy" by the government to take away guns from Americans, in some sort of "communist" plot.
"But Xmastime", you say in the voice of Craig “Ironhead” Heyward from those soap commercials (RIP), “didn't you call this six years ago?"  



Great. The Weather Channel stole the title of my upcoming autobiography.

Monday, July 27, 2015

75 Years Ago Today!

Bugs Bunny made his first appearance!

A Wild Hare by anthforfamilyguyfan83

Happy Birfday A-Rod

A-Rod turns 40 today - over the years, I've defended him; first because of that that atrocious 2006 season in which his own fans were abusive, and secondly because in the end, we see that he's actually a pretty great teammate:
A-Rod has been my favorite Yankee for a while now. I guess the first time I fell in love with him was years ago at Cal Ripken’s last All-Star game, when he insisted on Rip playing short. An emotional moment; I’m a sucker for that shit. Then he came to the Yankees and he just produced. You didn’t hear a peep from him about moving to third out of respect to Jeter, even though the whole world knew he was a better shortstop. MVP in 2005. 10 rbis in one game off Colon. Then came last year – he struggled a little bit, and the world decided to pile on – bleacher bums booing his every move, radio show callers screaming that he was the worst ballplayer ever; I’m pretty sure someone found his image on the grassy knoll with a shotgun. Everyone who had ever played in the big leagues (including Brooks Robinson, who wasn’t a tenth of the hitter A-Rod is) “sitting Alex down”, trying to talk to him. And at no point did he ever lash out and say “fuck you, I am A-Rod, shut the fuck up.” I have never seen a town turn on an athlete so quickly and viciously. Ever. I don’t think people who don’t follow can even understand the vitriol directed towards him....this would be like Liverpool turning on the Beatles. It was unreal. To see him with each game, pressing more and more, desperately trying harder and harder. Mind you – this was the highest paid athlete in the history of team sports, a 2-time MVP, coulda told everyone to go fuck themselves, and he was being accused of trying too hard. While having the huge contract that everyone screamed about, the big rap was he tried too hard. Cadillacing? No. Aloof? Nyet. I remember my first boss, in Mississippi, after listening to me rant and rant about being taken advantage of by a client re: money, after hearing me bitch “godammit, I’m too nice!”, I remember him looking at me and saying “well...there’s worse things to be.” If the worst thing you can say about someone is he’s too nice or trying too hard, well then you’re lucky. A-Rod wasn’t cadillacing, he wasn’t veering off to the dugout during pop-outs...he was trying too hard to desperately please the people that blamed him for being rich and talented. I found myself with each at-bat praying, begging PLEASE don’t hit into a game-ending triple play!! I defended him, pleaded with him every at bat to get a hit......but know what...I didn’t even plead with him to get a hit; I just begged god to NOT give the next days’ radio show callers something to scream about. It was a miserable season, capped by Papa Joe dropping him to 8th in the batting order for the final playoff game.

We all love Torre. But I will never, NEVER forgive him for batting A-Rod 8th in that playoff game. Never. Was a pure humiliation move. Just like as much as I love him, I will never forgive Jeter for leaving A-Rod out to dry so many times last year. Over and over, again and again, all it woulda taken was for Jeter to step in and say something, ANYthing, and it woulda made all the difference. But no. And I think I argued with Op for awhile that Jeter was right to not make a big deal of it, but I was wrong. He shoulda come out and said “we’re lucky to have the best player of our lifetime on our team, shut the fuck up.” But he never did. I started to think that Torre/Jeter and the other “real Yankees” got a laugh out of A-Rod’s misfortune, snickering like the cool kids at the lunch table.

So now A-Rod is having a season for the ages. ALLLLLLLLL of a sudden, he can do no wrong and everyone is popping hammys applauding him. I hope all is right and he’ll re-sign with the Yankees for next year. But there is an even bigger part of me that, after he hits 58 dingers and 160 rbis this year, hopes he tells us to go fuck ourselves and signs with the fucking Royals. Fuck you, have a good time next year cryyyyyyying on the fucking radio about how we let A-Rod get away. The Yankee fans deserve it, the way we treated him last year (and DESPERATELY wanted to get him in trouble this year with strip clubs/blondes bullshit.)

There’s a reason A-Rod is my favorite guy, and it has nothing to do with the homers, the inevitable Gold Glove etc. Over the years as I’ve been watching, I see things. I see that every time a Yankee, no matter whom, hits a home run who is right there to greet him, having some laughs in the dugout? A-Rod. He’s not in the video room obsessing over his swing or talking to Boras, he’s right there. And even more so throughout this year, when in the beginning the Yankees were bringing up a new 22-year old pitcher seemingly every day. Every day these kids (Clippard, DeSalvio etc) would get SHELLED and Torre comes out to get the ball, the last Yankee that would be on the mound giving them a pat on the ass was A-Rod. And to most fans that might not mean shit, but to me, I notice that stuff and it means a lot. To a 22-year old baseball player, A-Rod is a huge deal.
Today, he turns 40. And he's having a totally clutch season for the first-place Yankees. After last year's Jeter Tour we assumed A-Rod would be relegated to the whatever Dante-ian circle of hell; instead, he's having a great year and making everybody forget everything. Awesome.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

One of my favorite (of many) George Costanza quotes is “I don't think there's ever been an appointment in my life where I wanted the other guy to show up.” This morning it occurred to me that it should have ended “Unless it’s the reading of a will.”

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Obvious du Jour

How Does It Fucking Feel

50 years ago today, Dylan shocked the world by going electric:
There were other people playing electric guitars at Newport. But Dylan, as you say, had been seen as a hero and more than that. He was the man who had written one of the anthems of the freedom movement, and one of the people who was holding it all together to create this new world, this new youth movement that would change the world.The fact is, Dylan was not comfortable in that role, and by 1965, that role was feeling constricting and frightening to him, the fact that people were looking to him for answers.

When he got on stage at Newport with that band, I think the way that story is often told is that there were all these traditionalist folkies, and they hated rock 'n' roll, and here he was playing rock 'n' roll and the stupid folkies were lost in the past. I'm not saying that's completely wrong, but there's the other side of it. It was a very tricky time: That was the weekend that Lyndon Johnson fully committed the United States to victory in Vietnam. The civil rights movement was falling apart. SNCC [The Student Non-Violent Coordinating Committee] — which was the group that had brought all the kids down for Freedom Summer the previous year — now was throwing all the white members out, and the new chant was "black power." That communal feeling of the first half of the '60s was getting harder and harder to feel like it was all going to work and the world was going to be a better place. Dylan was someone a lot of people were looking to to hold that together — and instead, he comes out there with an electric band and doesn't say a word to them. Dylan was always somebody who had been very cheerful, friendly, chatting with the audience — doesn't say a word. And is playing the loudest music they've ever heard and screaming, "How does it feel to be on your own?" A lot of people were upset by that, and you can sort of see why.

Not my proudest Google moment of the day.