Monday, January 26, 2015

Just Me, or...

...there something funny about this logo? Hmm, how much WILL this move cost you...

Of course, it's no dick-in-a-box-logo.

Ahh, and the long-standing tradition of the GOP foolishly thinking bands not named "Ted Nugent" would like their music to be used to stump continues.

Touching, really. ‪#‎bornintheusa‬

Some things never fucking change.

Only Fools and Horses Scene du Jour

Del: Don't worry. (Indicating the back of the pub) 'Ere look at that - oi, down there - those two there.
Rodney: Do I look like St George? Oh come on Del, look at that one, she's older than the Mary Rose!
Del: She's alright. I thought you said that this girlfriend of yours was a bit of a film star. Well, Bette Davis is a film star.
Rodney: Yeah, well so was Rin Tin Tin!
Del: Don't know, it hasn't bothered you other years, as it?
Rodney: God, look at the state of her, eh.
Del: Eh, what?
Rodney: You can see her wrinkles from here!
Del: Alright, alright.
Rodney: Got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, ain't she?
Del: Alright, go on, you can have the better one.
Rodney: That is the better one!!

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Thoughts. I Have Them.

There is nothing more satisfying than peeling an orange in a single peel; there is nothing more frustrating than having to chip off the peel into 100 pieces.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Happy Birthday, Goodbye $$$$$

An article on the ridiculousness of children's birthday parties, after the story of a family getting billed when their kid didn't show up at one.

           In Brooklyn, children’s birthday parties had become the new wedding reception: endless free booze and food.  Unlike the lame-ass birthday parties when I was a kid that featured a dried-out coconut cake and some asshole kid that inevitably spilled his soda all over everything anyway, these parties had become “keeping up with the Joneses” events that served best those invitees who didn’t have kids themselves and therefore weren’t responsible for anyone else, all without having to give a shit about the costs.  In other words, the Manny’s Holy Grail.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Official Announcement

I am now placing Del Boy Trotter in the sitcom character Hall of Fame, alongside Archie Bunker and George Costanza.

Nothing Could Go Wrong Here

Does A-Rod have the WORST p.r. team ever?

Looking Forward to This

There's no way Im not doing this and then writing about it.

Invisible Girlfriend.
The service is called Invisible Girlfriend, and the idea is that you sign up and pay $25 and they will send you text messages and photos and make you feel as if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend (your choice), and if you can laugh at this without your laughter getting caught in your throat and turning to sobs, then you are a heartless tool.
Oh, where has this been all my life?!?!!?!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Republican Response to the SOTU

A funny thing about GOP politicians is that they're so eager to point out that they were raised by the very people their party is trained to hate: the poor, the trodden-upon, the GASP! immigrants,, the very people today they call the "takers." Interesting.

State of the Union

Impossible now to watch Obama walk into the room shaking hands without thinking of this classic :)

Quite a Life I'm Putting Together Here

5 years of French, and it's only just now I realize "etats" is state backwards.

Thoughts. I Have Them.

Listening to tv while taking a shower means that every time someone on the show opens a door you assume someone's walking in to chop you to bits with a butcher knife.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Weekly Wrap-Up

Old BBC shows I've fallen in love with over the past week:

To the Manor Born
Only Fools & Horses
Open All Hours
Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads
The Good Life

From Only Fools & Horses, this is considered maybe the best pratfall of all time (by David Jason, who also starred in Open all Hours.)


On Salon, someone skips the "Elvis is fat!" etc jokes and reminds us of his greatest moment, his '68 Comeback Special:
Paradoxically, the apex of the show comes in the unscripted “unplugged” segment, wherein Elvis jams informally with his pals, including old road buddies, guitarist Scotty Moore – integral to the early Sun recordings – and drummer DJ Fontana, both of whom he’d abandoned a decade earlier when he headed to Hollywood. They play blues, R & B, and rockabilly, and tell stories and make fun of each other between songs. This segment is raw, somewhat lo fi, even occasionally punky. Here more than anywhere else, Elvis often seems possessed, yet controlled just enough, tapped in to a fount of spirit and soul, invoking a carnal essence that hangs about the small studio space like an entity, drawing open multiple mouths and teasing lips into astonished, toothy grins. Elvis glistens with sweat, and thrashes at his guitar as if in a roadhouse. It’s one of the only instances where you get to see and hear him actually play, and he tears it up.
To me, that part's always been what I considered to be the show itself. Watch the whole awesomeness here, especially my superslice of supeslices, One Night With You (starts at the 45:30 mark.)

Downton Abbey Recap: Season 5, Episode 3

- Mary & dipshit’s dullness last week (“now that we’re in a hotel room after planning our amorous relations for months, let’s go out for a big meal, then maybe I’ll shit with the door open”) was possibly just topped by Mary’s “you may root around my guts with your penis but don’t even think about getting your paws on my breakfast.” Ugh. #unsexy

- Mary: “Nothing’s going to happen that isn’t properly executed.” Hopefully she means the two of them.

- I honestly have no idea how this “Rose & the Russians” thing happened. Ironically, I wouldn't mind being around her with a bottle of vodka...empty or full. (Oh, too soon, Cosby h8rz? Really?!?!!?!!)

- Can we go an episode without Robert worrying that the Drewes are going to get sick of Edith for her showing up? What's next - "Oh yeah Cora, that's feels great....don't stop, baby...say, those Drewes are probably sick of Edith today, aren't they...ooooh, yeah..."

- Thomas on the he calling Tinder? Oooooh, "Choose your own path." Exciting! Unless the path includes endlessly recycled versions of "sniff out shit on people and then use it against them and even when it blows up in your face you come out smelling like roses and everybody wondering 'yeah, how DOES Thomas stay employed here?' over and over, of course.

- Maybe it's because of the time he tried to sabotage Molesly, but I hate fucking Sprout. Just that empty, dopey surprised look of his. Fuck him and that empty, dopey surprised look of his.

-  If Violet & Isobel hate each other so much why do they hang out sipping tea all the time? They're like every reality show out there: "oh, I hate _____, we're sworn enemies and - oooh, I'm going to Cabo? oooh, let's invite _______!" Fucking hell.

- Love how nobody bothers to ask about Mary's sketches except Edith, whose tone implies something fishy but still gets brushed aside. Everybody hates Edith so much nobody's willing to acknowledge her question by saying oh yeah, let's see the paintings. They're like Republicans who hate Obama so much that if he owned a funeral home, they'd stop dying.

-  “No one’s going to put 50 buildings on my property!” Robert Grantham, business genius as usual. Only hope he lives long enough to turn down free shares of IBM.

-  Are the little kids Owen from Party of Five? Every once in a while they just wheel them out and then the family pretends they recognize them.

- Love how suddenly Hughes, Anna and Mary are private investigators. They're like Charlie's Angels except not hot, smart, nor in any way ever able to figure out anything themselves about anything other than gasping in surprise every 8 minutes.

- "What he did"? Does Anna KNOW Bates did it? Or does she just assume he did because he's a fucking lunatic who's been in jail twice, once under suspicion of murder, and is scary-looking enough to scare her into sleeping with him every night until he dies of old age or kills her?

-  Love to know what all-afternoon “meeting” the Earl has. Is it to figure out how to throw the rest of the estate's money down the shitter, or scheduling dress-up with old war uniforms?

- Even tho he’s lying I like seeing Thomas make Carson look like an asshole re: his “flurry of telephonic communication.” I wanna see a flurry of somebody's fists on Carson's fucking face.

- As usual, Thomas has the best moment of the episode re: his dad never being kind to him.

-  LET me guess: because this is Downton Abbey, Baxter’s gonna find out about Thomas’ dad not being sick and turn it on him.

- Anna to Bates, “ever wonder what it'd be like to start over." Yes, how about in prison?

- Cora on the war: "Sometimes I find myself thinking how busy we were, how useful." Ah yes, longing for those wonderful days of the most savagely violent brutality in human history to date. Sigh. (clutching pillow and spinning the pea, gazing out the window in wonder about old days romping with school chums in the fens and spinneys.)

- Bates to Anna, ad nauseum: “Why are you putting me off? Do I need to go kill another motherfucker?”

- Ms. Hughes to Daisy: "Go as far in life as God & luck allow”…and not, you know, the math et al Daisy’s learning. Pretty sure that's on the Harvard crest: "Luck & God"...actually, that probably IS on the Harvard crest.

- Everybody seems to have an opinion re: whether studying is the right thing for Daisy to do. Usually without even acknowledging her presence. At some point, can't Daisy just say "you losers know I own a farm, right?"

- Carson’s monologue on who has the right to be remembered as being brave during the war while he was screaming at footmen about where to put the shrimp fork was particularly touching.

- Yikes, thanks to Ms. Padmore I can still hear my high school football coach screaming at me: "sympathy butters no parsnips!" #flashbackfriday

 - "Will there be an unwanted epilogue?" "Don't worry granny, I gave it to Anna so Bates can stumble upon it, assume she's cheatng and then split her head open with his cane." "Oh, jolly!"

- Mary: “I learned a great deal I never knew before.” Like when it comes to returning oral delights, Tony Gillingham keeps the mouse in house, unfortunately.

-  LET me guess: because this is Downton Abbey, at some point, the dude that Baxter stole for will re-appear. Yaaaawn.

- Could they have made Baxter’s whole “dramatic story!” more boring? This had less of a climax than my 4th "session" of the day. #puffsofair 

- Bates retelling his events in York: “Posted a letter…ate a sandwich…pushed a guy into an oncoming bus…made inquiries at a shoe shop…”

- “I doubt they’ll remember everything I’ve done before my body’s cold.” Oh but Cora, you pulled off that bazaar in '20 with only about 35 servants at your whim!! It was a MIRACLE!! They'll be talking about that until the cows come home! (oh, wait - the cows are home...who's "Cora"?)

- How would you like to be the actress who plays the woman who thinks that her husband has the hots for Edith, whom the writers always make it clear is the ugliest and most undesired living thing ever?

- As much of an asshole he is for saying it, Robert’s right re: Cora and the art expert. Obviously he's using the old "wow, your thoughts are amazing!" to hit it. Curious to se how it works, as it goes against my own “what are you, a fucking idiot?” tactic when trying to get a woman to like me.

-  Tom’s lips are moving, so I assume it’s “I don’t belong here! I’m leaving!” “Don’t leave.” “Okay.”

- Mary tells Tom things have fizzled with Tony. In other words his poor lovemaking has suddenly  reminded her how much richer Charles whatshisface is.

- Quelle surprise, Tony’s back. Fucking visits more than Matthew during the Battle of the Somme. I had diarrhea that was less repeating.

- Of course Rose invites Ms. Bunting into her Russian refugees thing. What could possibly go wrong?

- This is how much the writers of this show hate Edith: Anna feels sorry for Edith. Yes, the woman married to a fat, old homicidal maniac feels sorry for her. Of course.


My Thoughts on the Most recent Episode of GIRLS, "Triggering"

- First of all, THANK YOU for not using the pool wrestling scene as another excuse to show Lena Dunham as naked as possible, by leaving her dress on. again, thank you.
- The line Shosh uttered while watching tv is the most "Shosh" quote ever, and was wonderful.
- Elijah's "Eeeeevery party I go to" line killed me.
- Hannah's "snap out of it" speech to the girl waiting to go to the bathroom was the funniest thing I've seen from her in a loooooong time.
- Anyone else have a sneaking suspicion Marnie's banging Adam?
- Hannah in class was exactly 100% as anyone who's seen the show for ten seconds would expect her to be. Too on the nose, really.
- Did we need to see what felt like 10 minutes of "party! party! party!"? Couldn't that have been shortened? ALso, felt a little too much "let's insert NYC into Iowa."
- Looking at Iowa, now I wanna move to Iowa.
- I assume everyone else is in love with that ridiculously hot brunette. Nom nom fuckity nom.
- It's occurred to me that for someone from the Midwest, Hannah is about as non-Midwestern as you can be. Can three years in NYC really change you that much? One thing I've learned about Midwesterners is they love talking about how Midwestern they are; meanwhile, Hannah's rude and obnoxious and pushy and oblivious to other people. On one hand I know that's just her character, but it seems a bit much when reminded of her rots.

ah, here's my new girlfriend:

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Is This the Most Depressing Song Ever That's Not Called "Seasons in the Sun"?

Stumbled upon the old hit Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads? during my obsesson with all things BBC 1970's. The show is a sitcom. This is the chorus:
Oh, what happened to you?
Whatever happened to me?
What became of the people we used to be?
Tomorrow's almost over,

Today went by so fast,
The only thing to look forward to is the past? 
Christ. Beefeater bottle for one, please.

Friday, January 16, 2015

The Stones

Someone just asked me my 10 favorite Rolling Stones slices. Here they are.
Rocks Off
Star Star
Ruby Tuesday
When the Whip Comes Down
Loving Cup
She's a Rainbow
Have you Seen your Mother Baby (Standing in the Shadows)
Out of Time

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Bye Kim Fowley

Kim Fowley has died. He's known most for putting Joan Jett & the Blackhearts together, but to me he'll always be the guy who did the first Modern Lovers demos.

Question du Jour

"Are you sure you don't want a piece of this banging-ass shit I made?"
Follow-up 30 seconds later: "You sure?"

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Documentary du Jour.

Good Ol' Freda

About Freda Kelly, The Beatles' beloved secretary (who also ran their fan club) from before when they blew up to after they broke up almost a decade later. Unlike every other person who came within the rarified air of their OUTER circle, much less their supremely inner circle, Freda never cashed in on her closeness to the band. The Beatles treated her like a little sister and their parents like a daughter; Freda's relationship with Ringo's mother and Paul's father in particular was a nice thing to watch. And it all started out because Brian Epstein plucked her out from the gaggle of teenagers who would go to work, then pop over to The Cavern Club for lunch, then go back to work. No big whoop. Fascinating.

Also, a reminder that one day will be left standing the last living person who ever saw The Beatles live.

Check it out today on Netflix.

Funny du Jour

via Dads Winning at Parenting. This is my fave.

Oh, Tom!

But you plow on; and the big blow comes and it's fucking crushing. I've read books where sad shit happens, but never before have I hated the goddam author for delivering it. Beyond tragic/depressing, made me hate anyone and everyone for being a part of the human race. Too much. - XMASTIME
Like Elizabeth Gaskell, Hardy’s books are brutal. Luckily, someone thoughtfully put together an infographic to showcase the misery. Awesome.