Friday, January 06, 2006

Things Are Good, Part III

1) I don’t understand "mutually exclusive" or "your lips to God's ears." When people say these things, I nod my head but have no idea what they actually mean. Makes no sense to me. "Mutually exclusive" just sounds contradictory, like they cancel each other out. And if I tell you something and you say "hey, from your lips to God's ears" does that mean you're saying you're God? Seems a little arrogant, no?

2) I just stumbled upon the fact that CS Lewis died on November 22, 1963. Seems like that would be a bad day to die. Here he is a pretty famous dude, and I'm sure with JFK dying that day you could find some press about Lewis' death hidden in the fucking JUMBLE the next day. Reminds me of Darby Crash, the singer for the Germs, who decided he was gonna kill himself, thinking it'd get a ton of press. Of course he happens to do it the day John Lennon gets shot. Boy. There's bad timing, then there's BAD timing. I perversely like to make it worse by thinking that just as he was about to kill himself, he glanced at the tv and thought "hey...why are they talking about John Lennon? oh well" BLAM!! But hey. That’s me.

3) The race is on to buy a 2-headed snake. Cause let's face it, what's the use of getting a snake that can bite you once when you can get one that can really dig in with TWO sets of fangs? Christ. I will now officially kick off my campaign for communism: if you've got $150,000 to blow on a fucking snake, you've got too much money and need to fucking spread it around. I'm trying to cash in discarded Coinstar vouchers at Key Food, and you're spending the equivalent of a Harvard education on a snake because it has two heads. You are an asshole, and fuck you.

4) I see someone finally figured out the largest prime number. I didn’t think it was possible, but there it is: some dude's getting laid less than me.

5) Do you think you'll go to hell for watching Michael J. Fox being interviewed and finally blurting out "Oh for the love of Christ, sit the fuck still!!"

6) After not responding to my calls/pleas on this site etc, I saw my high school girlfriend over Xmas. To her credit, she kept things cool, as her husband was there, and did not let on at all that we're about to start our lives together. I could not help but smile when she climbed in his lap and made out for a while and told him how much she loved him. "Well played," I chuckled, "no one here suspects a THING." I did think her taking him upstairs and then coming back with her hair messed up and her sweater missing was laying it on a bit thick, though. "Easy," I thought. "We're not looking for a goddam Oscar here."

7) Is there another case of someone famous dying and being overshadowed by someone even more famous dying? I'd like to think that I'd be the most famous/loved etc guy that dies the day I do. Of course, to do that you have to be famous or loved. Hmm. My siblings and I were born on big days. December 8 will always be known as the day Lennon got shot, no matter what my brother does. July 14 will always be Bastille Day, no matter how much I hate the French. September 11 will always be of course 9/11. And April 22, no matter what my sister does, will always be 38 days before the day I had my first 3-flush dump . Big days, all.

8) "I Cant Drive 55" by Sammy Hagar is on the radio right now. Genius. Songs about love, hate, life, death - no thanks, said Sammy. I'm gonna write a song about driving a car really, really fast. Well, at least faster than the posted speed limit. Well, until I get pulled over. Wouldn't it have been fucking GENIUS for Sammy to release an updated version when the speed limit got upped to 65mph years ago? "Fuck you pigs, I'm STILL speeding!" I would hope people wouldn't think that Sammy would still be driving just over 55mph now. I just looked up the words to the chorus:

"Gonna write me up a 125
Post my face wanted dead or alive
Take my license, all that jive
I can't drive 55! Oh No!
Uh!"

Holy shit - you KNOW they looked up the citation number for speeding; can you imagine how fucking THRILLED they were when they realized it was "125", so that it rhymes perfectly with "jive" and "alive"? That must've been a pretty big day at the Hagar house. Well, that and the day they invented the male perm. And calm down, Sammy - I don't think they post your face all over like a wanted criminal for speeding. You're not Black Bart. Tho I think Black Bart coulda done better than "Oh no! Uh!"

9) Sorry. I'm still laughing about the fucking Hagar song. Unbelievable.

10) Is it weird to catch penguins discussing the size of your cock? Oh well.

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