Look who's back!!

NAME: Theodore ("If you call me 'Theo' I will do some dancing on your face")
OCCUPATION: Ultra-conservative right-wing stuffed bear
LIKES: Tucker Carlson, George W. Bush, tax cuts, explaining to left-wing faggot dimwits why gays shouldn't marry
DISLIKES: left-wing faggot dimwits, taxes, Al Franken, basketball
QUOTE: "Calm down - all I said was I'd sure like to taste your honey!"


Hey hey!!
Xmastime is taking a break, doing what he does best (pushups, chasing trim, cuttin up) so he let me drop in and give you my football picks for this weekend.

THEODORE'S PICKS:
Seahawks 20, Redskins 13
I'm picking the Seahawks cause they have Shaun Alexander, the league MVP, who went to Alabama - which, I believe, didn't allow blacks to play football until 1998. A nice, juicy red state who knows where people belong, if you know what I mean. Also, their qb is Matt Hasselback, who sucks as a quarterback but is great as a Bush donor. His smoking hot wife on "The View" shares his fanatical right-wing ideals too, which means that's two foxy ladies on our side: her and Laura Ingraham. Ann Coulter, I hope you notice I didn't include you. Cell phone broken? Fucking bitch. And no, I didn't forget Alabama was once ruled by Paul "Bear" Bryant.


Panthers 24 Bears 14
I know, I know - "But Theodore, you're a bear, how could you pick against the Bears?" Hey - grow up!! When you have $5,000 riding on a game, you don't let your heart pick the winners. Remember on "Whats Happening!" when Dwayne went on a tear in the football pool at Rob's, then it turns out he chose the winners based on their helmets and it ended up costing Rerun's brother in law ("Ike") his Hawaii vacation with Rerun's sister? Hahahaha! First of all, how the fuck did was Ike able to afford a vacation to Hawaii? I mean, how much belief can we be expected to suspend here? Dirt poor couple in Watts in the 70s "saving up" for a Hawaii vacation. Right. And I'm gonna get up from this computer, get into a car and drive it down the street while masturbating with my stuffed bear paws. camon. And we wonder why God killed Fred Berry. "Hi! I'm 500lbs and like dancing! I wear suspenders and a French beret and probably am gay!!" I'm sure his feet HAVE to dance where he's at now.


Indy 41 Steelers 21
No-brainer here. Colts were 13-0 before their coach's kid "committed suicide." By "committed suicide" I mean "was involved in a gang/drug killing." Remember kids: just say no. Though if you can't, at least stop on your 40th birthday so you can run for president. It's not complicated. Plus, the Manning family is the closest thing we have in sports to the Bush Dynasty, so I'm rooting for Peyton to have a big game. Wouldn't it be cool if he could change his jersey to #43? Ah, sweet Eli - stuck in the Jeb character, a la Prince Harry!!


Patriots 26 Broncos 21
Let's be honest here: Tom Brady is the Golden Boy, Everybody's All-American. So a win for Tom Brady means a win against the terrorists. I'm dedicating this upcoming Patriots win to the troops. You may not have all the armor you need over there, you may be sitting ducks in wifebeaters for Islamic fanatics, but I know a Brady win will make things easier for you. If only that fucking John Kerry hadn’t voted against giving you guys enough money for armor!!! Xmastime likes to whine "hold up - $87 billion, and there's not enough armor for them? how is this possible - how could something like Kevlar jackets not make the cut at $87B? what the fuck else goes in front of something so basic as ARMOR FOR THE TROOPS? Gee, if only we had another billion, we coulda you know, gotten armor...and bullets, and stuff. If something like armor isn't included in $87B, what the fuck is? How many volleyball nets can we fucking buy?" But Xmastime is a liberal wuss, so what can you do. Troops: this W is for you!!!

Those are my picks for the weekend. If my thumbs aren't broken next Friday, you'll have my AFC/NFC Championship Game picks.