Things are Good, Part IV

1) Why do criminals, when handcuffed and dragged through the parking lot of the 7-11 parking lot, insist on covering their faces with their hands? They just got arrested for selling angel dust to 3-year olds, and NOW they act like they’re ashamed of themselves? Who do they think is watching that they need to not embarrass? “Oh shit…I hope Kathy Hilton isn’t watching! ” Camon. You KNOW all of his friends are screaming at the tv screen “Hey, it’s Tony!! Tony! Move your fucking hands, come on, you’re on tv buddy! Let’s see you!! Yeeeee-haw!” Especially in this day and age of people doing anything to embarrass themselves to get on tv, lets not play coy, shall we? even in prison, I’m sure the biggest compliment you can give to someone these days is “hey, I saw you on tv!!!”

2) I’ve noticed that if you start flipping around the dial at about 4am, you’ll land on an infomercial for EXTENZE, the amazing pill that makes a man larger “down there.” Apparently, people are buying these since the company does have the $$$ to advertise on four channels at a time. But the real kicker is, part of it is hosted by Ron Jeremy. I’m sorry, but isn’t this taunting? “I’ve got a little dick, I’m thinking about buying pills to help me and…oh goody. It’s Ron Jeremy. I feel much better about myself.” And can’t they pay Ron a little more to stop from actually laughing out loud? Ronny, I’ve got actual footage of you from decades before these pills were made. Camon.

3) I’m watching “Frontier House” last night, the show where it sticks modern families into 1880s Montana. Struggle to survive, build a cabin yada yada. Then they all hafta go get supplies, and we’re greeted by the grocer, a Korean named…I can’t remember. We’ll call him Sang. Sang tells us that about 15% of Montana was Asians, and they, you know, set up laundry business and small grocery stores. What? Did I hear correctly? Why not just send up a black guy to say that in 1880 Montana the blacks, you know, sold crack and ran hip-hop labels out of their mother’s basements. Unreal. Oh, PBS, you!!!

4) Remember when you were a kid and loved wrestling? The jumping off of ropes, the hitting with folding chairs, the outrageous costumes and babes? Then you get to junior high gym class, where the teach you “real” wrestling: getting into tight gym shorts and mounting another boy from behind while holding hands. Great. Thanks, Greeks & Romans!

5) Was walking down the street this morning, chick was walking towards me with her boyfriend. As we were approaching I glanced her way, of course receiving the obligatory “What the fuck are you looking at asshole?” look from boyfriend. Didn’t have the heart to tell him I was actually learing at the sausage n cheese biscuit he was eating. Mmmmm.

6) Speaking of which, in the “Maybe Now I’ll Start to Believe There’s a God” Department, McDonalds is including 6-piece McNuggets on their dollar menu thru January 31. Please, whoever writes my obit the following week, mention my blocked extra point against Lancaster in 1988. Something about losing 47-0 just FEELS better than 48-0.

7) I’ve gotten a lot of grief from ladies left off the Mrs. Xmastime List below. Lotta ladies vying for a little slice of love pie from Xmastime, as it turns out. Ladies: calm down. Be smoking hot and available to my wishes, and you’ll get your chance!

8) Of course, I’m fucking lying. Sigh.

9) This Sunday is my buddy Op’s 34th birthday. Happy Birthday, Op! Op has had quite a “Jesus Year”, as we call the year people are the age Jesus died – we tell people we expect great things that year. I don’t know why we do this; seems to me that if you end your 33rd year without being nailed alive to a piece of wood, your year was better than Jesus.’ Ah well.

10)
“That’s right, $10 for me, or $25 for all three of us. No kissing on the mouth.”