Tuesday, January 31, 2006

THINGS ARE GOOD, Part V

1) Haven’t we all been leaving messages on people’s phones long enough now that we don’t need instructions? I mean jesus fucking christ. I’m trying to leave a quick message for someone but I gotta sit through 60 seconds of “instructions” in case I’ve lived underneath a rock on Mars for the last 20 fucking years. I especially love it when they say “After you’ve left your message you may hang up.” Oh really. Thanks! Otherwise I woulda been standing here with the phone to my ear for days wondering what the fuck to do. We all know what to do, assholes. Just give us a beep and shut the fuck up.

2) Let’s clear up a long-time riff about porn: it’s not that there’s funky 70s music going on, or screeching 80s hair metal wailing during the scenes that kills me. It’s that THERE’S ANY MUSIC AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!! Who’s the fucking wizard that came up with this? “Okay, now that they’re doing it, let’s throw in some music to cover up any noises.” Isn’t hearing people fucking part of enjoying it? Maybe I’m missing something, but not once in all my days of having sex have I thought “boy, this is awesome…but man, if only there was some incredibly loud music to drown out her moans and her telling me how great I’m fucking her. Geez.” If I wanna listen to music, I’ll turn on the radio. I don’t pop in “Anal Encounters VIII” to hear some Steve Vai wannabe wailing on his Sears & Roebuck guitar.

3) While we’re on the subject of porn, I’d like to send a note out to all you “directors” out there: knock it off with these prolonged shots of dudes faces! What the fuck?!?!? I’m cruising along, watching a girl getting rammed from behind, enjoying myself, when BAM!! the camera cuts to a close-up of the guy’s face. Who is this for? And then they LEAVE IT THERE for like 20 seconds!!!!!!!!! Baffling. Do these people even understand the reason guys watch these flicks in the first place? It’s bad enough I’ve got my dick in my hand while another guy is even on the screen naked, but these facial close-ups? “OOOoh, look – Ted is enjoying himself! Great!” And there’s nothing worse than investing all that time and energy into it, and you’re about ready for the big payoff and then right as you have liftoff….close up to the guys face. Great. And yes, in case you’re wondering, that does in fact make you gay.

4) I also believe we’re all ready for a moratorium on the age-old slapstick sitcom scene that follows: dude gets on treadmill. Dude’s cruising along, then something catches his attention, he stops running, VOILA! He’s thrown off the treadmill. Yes, Hollywood, we’ve fucking seen this enough already. Please move on to the next great “gag.”

5) With apologies to Bill Maher, I have a New Rule: any reality show where regular people are teamed up with “celebrities”, said “celebrity” has to be marked with some sort of blue halo. “Dancing with the Stars”, for example. Unless your name is Jerry Rice, I have no idea which one is supposed to be the celebrity for each team. Maybe it should be called “Dancing with People Who You Might Vaguely Remember if They are Accompanied with a Name Tag and a Clip From Whatever Show/Movie/Song They are Famous For”

6) I like how all of his supporters were barking like seals last week when Bush pulled off speaking to a bunch of college kids for an hour without sounding like a complete retard. Wow!!!! Good for him! Seems to me that if you’re a fan of Bush, listening to him speak must be like when you’re watching a game with a friend of yours who might be SLIGHTLY racist, and after the game they interview a black guy and you find yourself thinking “Please…please don’t say something stupid…” cause you know your buddy will jump on him for sounding like a “dumb fucking n---er.” Don’t tell me all you Bushies won’t be blowing a huge sigh of relief tonite if he gets through the speech without mangling the language TOO badly or whipping out an 8-ball and telling Heath Ledger to “kiss my God-loving non man-kissing ass!!!”

7) And no more talk from chicks about how oh, they’re not looking for some guy that’s great-looking and rich, they just want someone that’s funny, someone that “makes me laugh.” Awww, that’s so cozy and sweet! Girls, quit being so full of shit. At least guys are honest: we want a chick that’s hot. We don’t blather about her being nice, or funny, or having career goals yada yada yada. We want someone that’s hot. But unless you’re great-looking yourself, you’re not gonna be getting these chicks. You can be Mr. funny, you can be Mr. Personality, but you’ll always get the same speech: “wow, I wish I was with someone just like you!” Which is chick for “I wish you were hot and I wanted to fuck you casue you’re so great, unlike my Neanderthal idiot boyfriend who can’t string together 3 sentences and has the soul of a loaf of Wonder Bread, but guess what? I’m going home with him, not you – maybe tomorrow night you can buy me more cosmos while I bitch about what an asshole he is and talk about how GREAT! you are before I go home and let him jizz on my eyeballs some more.” Or, you know, something like that. I mean seriously, have you ever heard Brad Pitt say anything funny? No. And there he is dumping Jennifer Aniston to jump into bed with Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, Woody Allen ends up having to marry his own daughter. camon.

8) For you few romantics out there. Cause nothing says Valentine’s Day Romance like “Buy ‘em by the sack!”

9) My All-Time Desert Island Slices, not that you asked (in no order)
a. Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan
b. River Deep , Mountain High - Ike & Tina Turner
c. Can’t Hardly Wait (unreleased Tim version) – The Replacements
d. Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen
e. Sugar Sugar – The Archies
f. Higher & Higher – Jackie Wilson
g. It’s the Same Old Song – The Four Tops
h. Death or Glory – The Clash
i. Left in the Dark – The Vertebrats
j. Bad (live) – U2


10) “Whoa, whoa (sniff)…who did that?”

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