Things Are Good, Part VI

1) I’m flipping around on the tube last night, waiting for American Idol (cough), and I land on Tyra Banks’ “show.” Of course I stop - let’s face it, Tyra is fun to look at if you’re a red-blooded gent like Xmastime. While staring at her chest I vaguely overhear that today Tyra is CONFRONTING HER BIGGEST FEAR!!!!!!!!!!! Hmm. I think to myself: what could Tyra be afraid of – snakes? heights? failure? becoming homeless? guns? Nah. Tyra’s big fear is…TA DA! Dolphins!!! Because you know, dolphins are known for strolling into your home or office and eating you. What the fuck. “Doris, I’m telling you, I go to sweep under the couch and BAM!!! This dolphin had me in a fucking headlock! Unreal!!” So we have to sit through 40 minutes of watching Tyra shake and cry while a dolphin swims up to her going “Lady - pat my head, get it over with for fuck’s sake. Look, I’m cute. The cameras are fucking rolling. Christ.” I hate when people say they are scared of things like that. A snake could roll up to you in your Lazy-Boy anytime, but a dolphin, you really gotta make an effort to get mixed up with. Maybe a team of dolphins raped Tyra when she was young, I dunno. But if I’m floating in the ocean, I think I’m more worried about this
than this:

2)I’m compiling a list of movies I gotta write sequels to. So far I got “Road House 2: Dalton Goes to Japan” and “Eddie and the Cruisers III: Eddie Lives!......or DOES He…” Will keep you posted. Michael Pare, quit calling me – I’ll let you know when I’m ready to shoot.

3) If everyone is so bent outta shape about these cartoons being so offensive, can’t I be fucking offended Marmaduke has not ONCE made me laugh?

4) Spelling bee furor, I see. “Her mother, Cindy, calls herself a "momma bear with her bear claws out" and is ready to go to court.” Wouldn’t it be cooler if it said “Her mother, Cindy, calls herself a ‘momma bear with her titties hanging out, hoping to attract attention from cub scouts at the local 7-11’? I dunno. Woulda made her seem more exciting, I think.

5) Seedless fruit baffles me. How the fuck can we make fruit with no seeds, but we still can’t make a dollar bill that I can insert into a fucking jukebox without it having to be fucking ironed/pressed by a member of the Federal Reserve?

6) Unless Madonna promises to walk out of my tv screen and give me a big sloppy blow job, I think I’ll pass on the Grammys tonite. THINGS I’D RATHER DO TONIGHT THAN SIT THROUGH THE GRAMMYS:

1. See how long I can keep my nuts dunked in a mug of scalding hot coffee
2. Invent a tv dinner that is guaranteed to make me shit myself before I can finish it. (no fair eating it on the bowl, either)
3. Try to visualize a scenario where I would rather make out with Jan instead of Marcia. Yeesh.
4. Piss the lyrics to “Everybody’s Working for the Weekend” by Loverboy onto my kitchen floor.
5. Try and remember another song by Loverboy. File this under “The Impossible Dream”
6. Draft a letter to all the blind people in the city asking them who picks up the shit from their seeing-eye dogs.
7. Write and perform the speech I would’ve written had I been asked to speak at Coretta Scott King’s funeral. Which would’ve included lines such as “Hey look, President Bush is here...well, I guess every funeral needs at least one brain-dead fucker, eh? Hiyoooooo!! Mr. President, I kid…” or “jesus christ…how many days ago DID she die?....” or “..she now joins Rosa Parks, another civil rights icon who died this year…well, along with a thousand other worthless niggras in New Orleans, right Mr. President? Hiyooooo!! People, people – I’m in the zone up here!!!!”
8. Compile a list of every girl I’ve ever had a crush on. Imagine what I’d say to them if they were auditioning for “American Idol” and I was a judge. “Not with those titties, sweetheart.” “What smells? Oh, it’s you.” “You weren’t this big when we dated, were you?” and of course “well well well, look who we have here… little Miss I Can’t Date You Because My Mother is Pretty Sure You’re Gay. Start singing, bitch!”
9. Teach Theodore how to ballroom dance.
10. Write an reunion episode of “Full House” where the gang all come home again to help Michelle in her court case to prove she invented and copyrighted the “Dirty Sanchez.” Sam Elliot guest-stars as “grizzled, much older husband of Stephanie who SWEARS he’s not crazy, that there are indeed TWO Michelles.”