A Walk With Xmastime as a Young Buck

My brother’s 4th birthday, I’m 2 ½ years old. This is the debut of one of my all-time moves: “Hey, look over there!” as my little mitts work their way to the big fat cake. Even at 4, my brother’s “smile” face is apparently the same as his “I’m gonna beat the fuck out of Xmastime” face. Interesting.



















….as this little photo shoot has passed the 90-second mark I am now about to eat my plate. And I have no idea who the fuck these people are behind us, or how that little kid popped in since the first one was taken. Asshole.




















This is where our gang would hang out, the stairs. We’d smoke Camels and make fun of Puerto Ricans passing by. Every once in a while I’d take my girl Marlo in the red jumper up to “the top of the stairs,” if you know what I mean. Then I’d come down and let the other fellas smell my arm. We were a tough gang. But then, you’d hafta be with those fucking outfits, even in 1974. Fore!



















Here’s me on the kitchen counter. Apprently I’ve stumbled upon a jar that has a human brain in it. Nice. You people freakin out over something in this one? Maybe something in this photo that seems a bit familiar to you? Anything? …..you are correct, that is the very same jacket I wear to this day. Guess they made clothes tuffer in the 70s.

Ps – before you get too far into how cute I look in this one, you should know that inside the jacket is a Playboy my dad stole from Safeway and jammed in there. My first ever job: porn mule. Great.
















Here’s my brother about to stab me in the chest because he hated how the breeze sailed through my golden, curly locks on a windy day. This was a game my mother would have us play, called “Go Stand in the Dirt Field in the Baking Heat with No Shoes on for 8 Hours Until Your Father and I Come Home from Work.” Ahhhhh….great times. Also, if you zoom in you can see my fly is open; must’ve been the early stages of me developing my “Elephant” skit (pull out pants pockets for the ears, let the mouse outta the house for the trunk, hilarity ensues.) I’m choking up!!!!
















“Boy! Get that shirt off, this strange old man wants to take a picture with you boys!!! Smile!”

I have no idea who this person is. I hope it at least seemed normal at the time. Having a strange old man come over and be your kids’ “boyfriend”, I mean. Hmm.
















“Alllllllright boys, party’s over….into the woods now. Camon, let’s go.”


















Ah yes. Kindergarten!!!! Fresh-faced!! Whole world ahead of me!!!!















29 years later. Wow. Is this even human? Good lord. My belated apologies to Anna on the right for what Im sure was a less than spectacular lovemaking session that followed. Well, I'm assumed that's what we did afterwards. After being baked to a crisp in the broiling sun and pounding about 8 containers of Bud I'm usually "frisky." Ugh.