Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Things are Good, Part XVI

1) Big Ben’s big accident yesterday reminded me that a few weeks ago Dubya met with the Steelers at the White House to congratulate them on the Super Bowl victory. Dumbass couldn’t even make it through this little playful ceremony without saying something completely inane:

About halfway through the season, some people were counting the Steelers out, Bush said.
"They said you didn't have a chance," Bush deadpanned. "I kind of know the feeling."

Cause yeah, if you’re born into an amazingly rich and powerful family, get into Yale even though you MIGHT be retarded, get handed a Major League Baseball team, have the keys to the White House while your dad is vice-president/president for 12 years, and then get handed the presidency even though you might not have actually won, I guess it’s natural to feel like the deck’s stacked against you. Poor guy.


2) I think a good barometer of how much money we misspend in this country is the fact that toilet paper has different colors and patterns. What is this for? You know there’s some companies whose sole job is to spend millions on figuring out the market etc “people like blue”. What the fuck. I mean, is there anything else we have ever created that has a more ignominious ending as a piece of toilet paper? You spend your life in the dark, rolled up tight with the other guys, and then the second you finally see the light of day BAM!!! You’re being scraped against someone’s asshole having shit smeared on you. The bottom line is always the same, yet for some reason we’re compelled to have different colors/patterns etc. “I’ll spend the extra 20 cents a roll if there’s sailboats on my tp.” Camon.

3) If you’re one of those people in a public place who starts waving his or her cellphone in the air looking for a signal, you’re an idiot. How do you not feel retarded? “Look at me, I’m waving a lit phone around! Look at me!” My only hope is that a plane mistakes you for his crew chief and lands on top of you. Asshole.

4) Why is every postman I see in my neighborhood horribly obese? Don’t these guys walk like 6-8 hours a day? Christ, 4 years ago I walked ONE hour a day, ate like a lunatic and lost 75 pounds. What the fuck are they feeding these people at the Post Office; are they hooked up to éclair IVs?

5) Seriously, the toilet paper thing is killing me. And why are these sheets perforated? Has anyone in the history of earth had trouble tearing off some toilet paper from the roll? Even 2-ply? This isn’t even Bounty Towels, which if I remember the commercials correctly you could get soaking wet and still hold a bus without tearing. Well, or a postman. I’d like to meet the person sittin on the bowl that notices that the roll of toilet paper isn’t perforated and thinks “ohoh…I’m in trouble.”

6) Can we please make phone chargers that can work with more than one fucking phone? Jesus christ. I have 3 different cell phones from throughout the years and each of the phones can ONLY work with the charger it came with. And they’re all from the same company!!!! What the fuck. Just saying.

7) Group sues KFC to stop use of unhealthy fat


"Trans fat is almost everywhere on this menu. By frying in such a dangerous oil, KFC is making its unsuspecting consumers' arteries Extra Crispy," he said, referring to a version of fried chicken sold by KFC.

Unsuspecting? REally? First of all, the term “fried” didn’t tip you off, didn’t make you think “maybe this is NOT gonna be a piece of lettuce wrapped around a honeydew melon”? Plus camon, you walk in the door you’re covered in grease. This is 2006, I just wish these places would finally post a sign at the door ‘IF YOU EAT THIS YOU WILL DIE’; I bet sales fall by MAYBE 5% and we wouldn’t have to hear these type of idiot lawsuits every three months. Some things if you’re over the age of 4 you should fucking know: eating a ton of fried food is NOT good for you, you gotta pay extra if you want the girl to take it up the ass, and eating fried food WHILE shitboxing is the COOLEST!

Kudos to the guy tho for actually using the phrase Extra Crispy, though. And when is KFC gonna start selling sides of fried chicken skin only? If they start doing that Xmastime better get a fucking cut!!!!!!!

8) Now that the World Cup has started, we gotta start our every-four-years-like-clockwork bullshit about “Soccer is gonna catch on like crazy in America!!” Great. We never learn; soccer will never, ever ever be one of the major sports in the country, for several reasons.

a. When I was in high school, soccer was played by the impish, white skate-rats who wore Vans and listened to Agent Orange and NOT by the real athletes of the school. If you were a real athlete, you played football. If my football Coach was walking by and happened to notice a real athlete playing soccer, he’d simply yell at him to get his ass over to the football field and “quit being a faggot.” So it’s not like any real athletes were being groomed to dominate the game and then go on to college and play before joining the Olympic team.

b. Also, these kids were always the rich/borderline rich kids. It’s tough to become a powerhouse when your base of athletes are rich, kinda spoiled kids. That’s the same reason lacrosse will never get huge; nobody’s interested in rooting for a bunch of future doctors and lawyers running around in their $190 shorts flinging a ball around. We wanna see some poor, tough farmboy who’s hanging onto the team by a thread (thanks to taking shop 3 periods a day) out there cracking skulls in a blind fury. Like, ironically enough, Liza Minelli. Go figure.

c. Which is, ta-da, apparently the total opposite of every other country in the world. In other countries they have kids living in dirt and filth and crafting a ball out of kurds and whey and spittle busting their asses; in America we have the “Soccer Mom.” The Soccer Mom is the housewife who carts her kid back and forth to practice in their 4-miles-to-the-gallon SUV while he and his buddies scream at her to stop at TCBY. You don’t hear about a lot of Soccer Moms in Africa. I’d wager there are more soccer moms chained to my radiator at home right now than there are in all of Kenya. Just a hunch.

d. Hey, I’m only saying, this is why we’ll always suck at soccer: our players are soft. If you spend hours in the weight room or doing plyometrics, you’re gonna play football, basketball or baseball. If you like the way your hair flops up and down while running up and down a field, soccer’s your game. Some of my best friends in high school played soccer. Not once do I recall “oh shit, here comes our star midfielder… please don’t stuff me in a locker please don’t stuff me in a locker please don’t stuff me in a locker please don’t stuff me in a locker please don’t stuff me in a locker…”

e. Of course the real problem is that throughout the 90 minutes of a “match” NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS. Once every 15 minutes someone will break out of the pack with the ball and you do get a little excited “oh shit, he’s gonna score…” there’s nothing between him and the goal for 35 yards, he’s running and…whoops. Dribbled the ball off his leg. Wheeeeeeeeee, great. Hell, in basketball a shot HAS to be taken within 24 seconds of every possession and we bitch about that being too slow. And yes Professor, before you write in with your comments, I know that if I dedicate the next 20 years of my life to studying the game and its many machinations I would have a new respect for what’s going on on the field, but right now all I see is “dude’s at midfield standing there with the ball while the other guys get tanner.” Hey, I’m sure I could spend 20 years studying the intricacies and beauty of sucking a dick, but guess what, it ain’t happening.

f. Finally, what really drives me bananas is that there’s no scoreboard with the time, only the ref knows how much time is left in the game. What the fuck is this? Hey soccer, lemme tell you, having some dude in tight white shorts running around a field of dudes cooing “ooooooooh, I’ve got a secret!” is not helping out your “straight” case, if you know what I mean. Christ.

Sorry, but soccer will never break through the Big Three of football, basketball and giving other dudes titty twisters. Just how it is.

'FOOTBALL AMERICAIN"


















'FOOTBALL'

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Things could be better, No?

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Anonymous said...

Hey, I resemble those soccer remarks. You dick!

Still I think we won our district like 4 times. Xmastime's only district championship was in Academic Quiz Team. Good times!

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hahahahaha I do remember buzzing in and answering the very first question of my Academic Quiz "career", then sitting back and letting yall handle the next 1200....

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There are a number of sites which offer free advice and information about how to have a safe penis enhancement and they also show male enhancement videos which somewhat


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While some patches can work wonders, some may have dangerous effects such as irritation and rashes. If you want to achieve bigger penis, the best recommendation is still the natural male enhancement treatment including male enhancement exercise. Though you can try natural male enhancement pills with natural herbs, make sure that you purchase pills that are advised by your doctor. Most of these natural male enhancement pills do not require doctor's


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men can be guaranteed best results. In addition, male enhancement treatments such as male enlargement patches may have disadvantages.
natural herbs and other ingredients can work their way in stimulating the blood flow in the anatomy and enable the penis to increase in size.


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Also, it can be hard to distinguish between general body aches from pains caused by withdrawal symptoms. The patient might take the pill and notice that it is effective, and that it works. But in reality, the pain killer medication is actually no longer needed for the initial


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It is now thought that the major factor controlling how much you weigh is not your level of physical activity, but how much food you eat in relation to your level of physical activity. If you consume more calories than you burn off, you will gain weight and you will keep it on.
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abdominoplasty. The abdominoplasty will solely remove the excess skin from your stomach which is ideal for women following pregnancy. However, for those who have undergone weight loss surgery or a massive weight loss, excess skin is not limited to the stomach but also results

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videos are usually based on popular pills and sexual enhancement supplements, or exercises to help enlarge or enhance the penis. There are penis pumps, homemade extenders, doctor-made extenders, and penis enlargement reviews from men who have tried using or applying them.


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What is Tongkat Ali (Eurycoma Longifolia) or Malaysian Ginseng Long Jack? Tongkat Aliis from a small tree in Malaysia and Indonesia. It is used as a relief for a variety of ailments and locals in Southeast Asia are convinced that it can improve desire and sexual initiation. Tongkat Ali is Asia's number one libido tonic and has been used for centuries as a very potent aphrodisiac
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Over Exercise If you exercise too much your body adapts and reaches a point where the extra energy consumed in exercise is offset by a DECREASE in the amount of energy used when not exercising. In other words, when you increase exercise intensity, your body decreases the

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