Bin Laden in '08

1) I hope Bin Laden was watching Tony Snow’s press briefing yesterday.

First, let's think about Iraq. One of the positions is that we need to leave Iraq -- we need to do it on a timetable, and we need to do it soon. It's worth walking through the consequences of that position. First, simply to walk away on a timetable without examining the conditions on the ground and without making sure that you have the ability for the Iraqis to stand up and also assert sovereignty over their territory and have a freestanding democracy would create a power vacuum and encourage terrorists not only in Iraq, but throughout the region and throughout the world that one of the problems that often besets democracies, which is impatience in hard times, in fact serves as a motivation for terror groups. Osama bin Laden some years ago said that one of the keys is that if you simply stay at terror long enough, the West is too weak, he said the Americans were too weak, and would stand down.

Must be pretty good feeling knowing that our staying in Iraq is basically just to show him that we can. So fuck it, I‘m stepping up and nominating Bin Laden for President. Look at all the bumbling inefficiency we have in DC these days; meanwhile this guy has the single greatest super power in the history of the world spending billions of dollars as well as human lives simply cause he once mentioned that we couldn’t do it. Amazing. Think of what this dude could accomplish in the White House. “Hold up…President Bin Laden said we’d always be fat? Oh, fuck that!” BAM!!! National obesity rate plummets. “The HELL I can’t read!!” Literacy becomes the new GameBoy. And so on.



“The President said WHAT? I couldn’t make ‘Road House 2’? Oh, HELL no he didn’t….”









2) I’m glad they’ve let us know that we’re at our highest threat level right now; red I believe is the color. Now I know that if I go somewhere I should take my armored tank with cruise missiles in case some shit goes down. Probably need to find my anti-anthrax sweater, too. Thanks guys! Seriously, other than car alarms is there anything more worthless than these terror alerts? What do they expect me to do? Stop standing in airports handing missle launchers to any dude who shows up with a tablecloth on his head? What the fuck. Knock it off. Unless Tara Reid's titty is about to pop out again, quit fucking alerting me.

3) I’m glad the war is over anyways. Well, it must be since we’re firing Arabic translators for being gay. Translators?!?!?!?!? We’re not even talking about dudes holed up (that sounds weird…) in the field, we’re talking about some guy by himself in an office translating shit. Are you kidding me? And this is the 55TH ONE THEY’VE FIRED!!!!!!!!! So don’t fucking ask me to take this war seriously if these dumbfucks are running things this way; if you’re pulling this crap then obviously we’re not as neck-deep in a “war against terrorism” as we had thought. I guess we’d rather risk more planes being hijacked than have an important piece of info found by some guy who gets hard whenever Brandon and Dylan call each other “bro” onscreen.

4) I love how some sites have a thing where as you link to something a commercial pops up, but you can click “skip this ad.” Aren’t you shocked they even give you the option? Amazing. Life should be like that. “Skip this traffic jam.” If you’re a Knicks fan “Skip this season.” “Skip this interview” for those dudes who get busted on tv thinking they’re meeting 13 year-old girls for sex. I love those guys. You’re on national tv, busted for being a wanna-be child molester - why not sit down with this guy in the kitchen for a while, talk things out? I’d like to see one of these guys go for the “Utter Humiliation Hat Trick” and, as well as getting caught being a perv and showing he’s an idiot by talking on camera, cut a fart on tv. “..well, you know, she said she would be here…oh, boy, sorry….damn boiled peanuts…anyways, so…”

5) I’m starting a “Dudes Whose Lives I’d Like to Have” list. So far I got Hef, Jimmy Buffet and Derek Jeter. As great as it’d be they each have their drawbacks, I suppose. Hef’s old. Buffett, you’d hafta sing ‘Margaritaville' every day. Jeter’s not 100% white. I guess it’s true, nobody’s perfect.

6) My personality test results here. Was really hoping I’d hit “Submit” and it would come back with “You’re Awesome!” or “Denzel –is that you??!?!!” I don’t know what any of it means, but apparently I’m a mix of Sally Struthers, Danny Glover and Donald Duck. I’m fat, too old for this shit and don’t wear pants. In other words, these tests are fucking dead-on. Wow.

7) I’m fairly certain that “Snakes on a Plane” is the first movie ever where just the title will suffice. You hear that title, you’re like wow…fucking awesome! And you have no need or desire to even see the movie, but would have no problem handing over $10 just for hearing the title.

8) Speaking of movies, I’ve watched “Hoosiers” oh, maybe 5,000 times. A super-slice, my religion. But it occurs to me every time I watch it that other than Jimmy Chitwood, I have no idea which player is which. I know there’s a Rade, a Merle, a Buddy. Strap, Ollie. I have no idea which is which, and for all I know they switch names throughout the flick. Which would actually help distract us from being bothered that with millions of dollars in their hands the best chick they could get for Coach Dale’s love interest was Barbara “Ugly Farmer Man” Herschey. A banner phone call for Hackman, I'm sure. "So Gene, you'll spend all day with these 16 year-old boys, then at the end of the day we'll let you kiss Barbara here. What’s that? No, I don’t think an affair with Dennis Hopper instead is a good idea here. It’s Indiana. See ya on the set!” Ugh.

9) I see Heather Mills has told friends she’s gonna take Paul McCartney “to the cleaners.” First of all, who came up with “taking ------ to the cleaners” to mean taking all of someone’s money? Shouldn’t it be “taking ----- to the bank”, as in take them to the bank where they will sign their money over to you? No, I’m gonna take you to the cleaners, where you will sign your freshly pressed button-downs over to me? Wait, maybe she meant going to the cleaners where he has something stored that will cover up her wooden leg. My bad. Tell you what though, along with Jayne Mansfield, Heather Mills is on my list of “Women Who Have Lost a Body Part I’d Still Love to Do.”

10) Fucking perv.