1) Learn the robot. I mean it this time. Said I’d do it in 2005, didn’t get it done, got scared in 2006 and backed away from it. But guess what? By this time in 2007, I will be poppin n lockin.
2) Go on an actual date with a woman. And by this I don’t mean "show up at a bar, wait for a girl to get shitfaced enough to blow me in the bathroom while I scream about the new gotdammed internet jukeboxes, and lets me cum in her hair." Actually, scratch that….that would abe fucking awesome. Forget the date.
3) Track down the mf who invented pineapple and ham pizza, club him to death with a baby seal.
4) Have a baby seal sausages cookout.
5) Spread the word to every girl I know, see or meet that you know what, yeah, you DO look fat.
7) If I don’t start softening my stool soon, I’m gonna be in serious trouble.
9) Invent a toothpaste that tastes like pussy. But not great pussy; I don’t wanna spend all fucking day brushing my dick.
10) Learn Chinese. Seriously, those fuckers are up to something.
12) I’d like to walk into a room and receive a long, loud slow-clap from the crowd. Just once.
13) For having a humungous dick.
14) With Jessica Alba attached to it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
1 comment:
Darling Xmastime,
You are witty, articulate, and literate. Dial back the misogyny and XX-chromosome-scaring grossness back a few clicks, and the Mrs. will doubtless appear.
Signed,
A fan and a scold
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