My 2007 Resolutions

1) Learn the robot. I mean it this time. Said I’d do it in 2005, didn’t get it done, got scared in 2006 and backed away from it. But guess what? By this time in 2007, I will be poppin n lockin.

2) Go on an actual date with a woman. And by this I don’t mean "show up at a bar, wait for a girl to get shitfaced enough to blow me in the bathroom while I scream about the new gotdammed internet jukeboxes, and lets me cum in her hair." Actually, scratch that….that would abe fucking awesome. Forget the date.

3) Track down the mf who invented pineapple and ham pizza, club him to death with a baby seal.

4) Have a baby seal sausages cookout.

5) Spread the word to every girl I know, see or meet that you know what, yeah, you DO look fat.

6) Make a movie with Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn and Janeane Garafalo, Will Ferrell has a cameo as "bumbling everyman!" Wow!!! THAT’s never been done!!!

7) If I don’t start softening my stool soon, I’m gonna be in serious trouble.

8) Invent a time machine, go back in time to when my grandma was alive. Knowing what I know now, ask her how she could possibly have called what we did "kissing."

9) Invent a toothpaste that tastes like pussy. But not great pussy; I don’t wanna spend all fucking day brushing my dick.

10) Learn Chinese. Seriously, those fuckers are up to something.

11) I was gonna have a something in Chinese here, something like "Kill all blacks", but in the time it would’ve taken me to go online and figure out what the Chinese translation is I have masturbated twice, wondered what people did before we had spreadable butter in tubs, and then combined the two. And by "combined the two" I mean I "made a butter sculpture of Dolly Parton giving head to Denzel Washington while he wrote the lyrics to Rhinestone Cowboy on her titties, and then I beat off to it." So you can see how time got away from me.

12) Learn how to wrap up riffs like #11 so that they’re both succinct and, you know, funny.

13) I’d like to walk into a room and receive a long, loud slow-clap from the crowd. Just once.

14) For having a humungous dick.

15) With Jessica Alba attached to it.

16) Invent a remote control for my tv that has a ringer, so that when it goes from my hand to the back of my couch and up my ass, I can call it on my phone and it will ring, letting me know where it is.

17) Find Mrs. Xmastime so I don’t spend the rest of my life cramming remotes up my ass.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!