2) And whoever’s behind the newer Peanuts shows that follow the holiday specials, knock it off. I turned on to watch "The Great Pumpkin", not "Charlie Brown Gets Elected." NOBODY loves Peanuts more the Xmastime, but lets face it, the reason we love Peanuts is its nostalgia. Play the old hits and get off the air, please. At a Modern English concert do I stick around after "I Melt with You" to hear their new "hits"? No. HELL no…..I’d be in the can with all the other Europeans, spraying whipped cream on the walls and smoking cloves.
3) Yes, I was tempted to come up with a million titles, like "No, She’s Really Dead, Charlie Brown!" or "Who Called Franklin a N---er?"….but that’s prolly been done a million times, so lets move on.
4) And yes, that’s my segue back to this whole Michael Richards fiasco. I said it before, Im sick of everybody’s fake outrage over this. Yes, it was a mean, bad thing he said. Duh. But if we’re gonna pretend to outraged, why can’t we be pissed at REAL racism, racism that lies in the government, in corporations, communities – there is real racism everywhere, so lets not blow our wad on some words spouted by a guy whose sole claim to fame is funny entrances into his neighbors apartment. Camon. Tho I must say, this thing has made for some funny shit on tv, most of all my girl Elizabeth "Will Somebody Please Fuck the Dumb Out of Me?" Hasselbeck on "The View", who was saying that everyone should boycott the latest "Seinfeld" dvds. First of all, yes Elizabeth, you ARE the least racist person in the world, congratulations!!! I’m sure black people will now join your fight to keep W in office a third term. Secondly, I couldn’t help but laugh at this one – yeah, I’m sure the three black Seinfeld fans in the country will take a stand. "Seinfeld" is my show, but I can’t say they really busted their hump to show any racial diversity. Which, ironically, may be more honest to real life anyways. But other than Jackie Childs, the only other black character I recall is when Kramer had a black girlfriend, and what happened?….tada, over-tanned himself before meeting her family. Blackface always cooks! Though now that I think of it, could the show’s recurrent nod to black people be George never tipping waitresses? HIYOOOOOOOOOOO!! I’m kidding people!!! I joke, relax!!!!
5) The thing that I can’t shake about that video of Michael Richards is the reaction of the black people he insulted. They kept saying "There’s no call for that!" over and over. What?? Who the fuck was he calling ni—er, this guy?
Seriously, I don’t wanna stereotype black people here, but I seriously doubt that any conversation I could have with a black person would go like this:
Xmastime: You’re a n---er!
Guy: what??!! There’s no call for that!
Xmastime:n---er !!
Guy: There’s no call for that, golly!!
Xmastime: n---er n---er n---er!!
Guy: there’s no call for that! I’m hurt!! I’m
offended!! I…I…I’m going on the ‘Today Show’!!!!
Camon. This whole thing does put a chink in the armor of my post 9-11 policy of never flying on a plane with no black people on board. White people, we’re stupid and gay enough to say "everybody just sit tight and do what the nice man with the boxcutter says." Black dudes would be like "I’m going out cause of a box cutter? A BOX cutter? Ooooh, HELL no!"
6) And speaking of black people. How come I’ve never met a black guy that’s scared of me, yet every one I’ve ever known or seen is terrified of dogs? What’s this all about?
7) But what the fuck IS up with Pig Pen? Here’s a kid walking around encased in a cloud of filth and dirt. Great. How fast would his fucking parents get thrown in jail by social services today? But, more importantly, what does this asshole have going on that’s so great that he’s friends with everybody even though he’s basically a moving sewer? Wouldn’t it be great if it turns out he’s like "Fuck it, I got a 14-inch dick, I ain’t bathing. Suck it, bitches!" Or maybe he’s the one with the blow? The perrenial ‘heads-up 7-up’ champion?
8) Yesterday I played a song on my myspace page for a friend of mine. At the end he turns to me and actually says "Why so angry, buddy?" what? Why so angry? I’m broke. I don’t have a job. I haven’t had a girlfriend since 1995, the last time I got laid the only person on steroids was Delta Burke and McNuggets are up to $5/box….why so angry?!??! I’m not angry enough!!! Fucking christ. If anyone else wants to spray a gun around a crowded room the line should start here, fuckface.
9) Finally, thank God the new season of "The Real World" has begun. First of all, Colie might find herself as the all-time Mrs. Real World Xmastime. Secondly, I’m amused that one of the guys in the house in the first episode is wondering aloud if there’s gonna be a gay guy in the house. Jesus fucking christ. Just like the idiots who are shocked by how ridiculously amazing the house itself is and runs through it giggling, have you ever seen the show? YES. THERE WILL BE A GAY PERSON. I love it how this guy’s (Stephen? Is it Stephen? Yes) "religious beliefs" make him disapprove of homosexuality, but apparently Jesus doesn’t mind complete strangers spending 18 weeks in getting shitfaced and randomly fucking in a hot tub. Well, and apparently his religion does not allow tv either; surely that’s how he was able to miss the 396 previous episodes that feature at least one gay person. Including Pedro and Sean from season 3, the Prince Charles and Lady Di of gay reality couples.
The other thing I picked up with this new bunch is every single fucking one of them, upon either meeting a roommate or talking to the camera, went out of their way to say "hey, one thing about me you should know is I like to have a good time." Really? Wow. Shouldn’t we assume that since you’re a living, breathing thing you’d prefer a "good time" to a "bad time"? Is there rally anybody out there saying "One thing you should know about me, I like to slam my nuts in a cash register while attending puppy funerals." Just like youth itself, this show is wasted on the young. I will not rest until MTV has a season where the cast is at least 35 years old.
10) Britney. Hanging out with Paris. Please stop. Like everyone else, I assumed that I’d stop reading about you hanging around with blond talentless airheads the second you dumped K-Fed. Enough.
11) One thing that bugs me about action movies is when someone is on foot and being chased by a car. They run in a straight line in front of the car; I believe in adrenaline too, but I’m not sure you can outrun a car that can go 120mph. Wouldn’t is make more sense to simply step aside as the car gets close? Wouldn’t the driver be like "…oh yeah, I gotcha, I gotcha, taste me fender you…oh shit…crap….okay okay, lemme turn around here…hold on, u turn…hoooooold on…." Doesn’t it drive you crazy? "Run Jimmy run!!" oh, no the car caught him!! Wow!!
Anyways. Putting my Xmas Wish List together. Will keep you posted. Though I’m sure the words "naked pictures" might make an appearance.
3 comments:
On Seinfeld, what about George's Yankees boss, Mr. Morgan, teh friend tha tGeorge has to fake having to impress Mr. Morgan and the marathon runner that Elaine knew, Jean-Paul? Okay, that may be it.
Figures you would go for the horse-faced Colie. Looks like there's a racial incident up ahead. What a surprise!
You should contact the people at MTV and propose "The Real World at 100 Metro." I wouldn't miss an episode!
Wait. Are you suggesting Britney ISN'T a blonde talentless airhead?!
Britney blonde?? From a bottle maybe. I say she's talentless & questionably blonde.
As for the N*gg*r word, I can't believe the uproar- really, there are a thousand more offensive & degrading names that can be used- I reviewed just a few with my family the other day, here's a partial list:
fish lips
coon
jigg or jiggaboo
alabama porch monkey
tar skin
and my personal favorite: spook
I mean really, the guy had a bad day and he might be a complete asshole, but he coulda gone a lot further. a lot of us have but now we're gunna make that kike, Jerry, pay for it?
Ca'mon!
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