MRS FIZZUCKING XMASTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1) BRITNEY SPEARS - Yes Brit, you still hold the top spot BUT.....you are on probation. You have 90 days, starting today, to lose all that baby-weight and stop hanging out with all the other (sh)"it" girls. I have the utmost confidence you will follow through with these requirements; surely dumping K-Fed's lame ass was a pre-emptive salvo to let me know that you're serious about keeping your top spot. Godspeed, dear heart....God speed. And I'm serious - lose the weight, fatass. I don't wanna be fucking your titties and realize "wait a second....this isn't a titty...."

2) UMA THURMAN - some will scream at being passed over by a rookie here. And they have their point to make. But I've come to notice Uma looks a lot like a chick I was in love with years ago, so when I hook up with Uma and then dump her, ripping her heart out, it'll be like I'm "double dumping." What's that phrase, a hand in the bush is better than 2 in the shitter? Something like that, I dunno. Normally would dock her for associating with Aerosmith in a movie, but you khow how it is with brand new Mrs. Xmastimes - it's all one big honeymoon filled with rivers of ambrosia, Hormel chili clouds and toilet bowls.

3) SHANNON ELIZABETH - another fringe Mrs. Xmastime from a year ago that smartened up and dumped her loser "producer" husband. Obviously forgoing waking up next to 11 pounds of shedded back hair was worth it, as she finds herself in my 3-spot. I dunno why, but whenever I look at her the only phrase that comes to mind is "runaway cum-lips." Congrats.

4) JESSICA ALBA - I mean, come on....I've sat through "Fantastic Four" about 9 times. 'Muff said.

5) LACEY KANE - ah yes, neighborhood girl....who, I'm just now realizing, is YET ANOTHER Mrs. Xmastime who has dumped her significant other since the last list!! Good lord. I don't know if I really wanna be responsible for all these dudes' heartbreak; I mean, they're people too. And by "I don't know if I really wanna be responsible for all these dudes' heartbreak; I mean, they're people too" I mean "hahahahahahahaha; hahahahahaha!!!!!" Luckily I've seen her for a total of maybe 11 minutes this past year, so she might still think I'm at least semi-human.

6) KATE WINSLET - ah yes....my "Plus Size" Mrs. Xmastime. She has officially nabbed her generation's title of "Mrs. Xmastime That Xmastime Respects and Won't Cuss Around", a la Phylicia Rashad of years past. So before I slip up and say something about her going down on my Titanic I'll move along.

7) COLIE - my all-time "Real World" chick...topping whatshername from Chicago, for whom the phrase "could eat corn on the cob through a fence" was written. Between Colie and Shannon and Uma and a few others I see I have a certain thing for chicks whose faces seem to be sliding off their heads. Could this be because I was circumsized with a torch? What was I talking about? Oh yeah...Colie's on a short leash; so far all I know about her is she's hooked up with Alex and has mono. Do kids still get mono? Thought they stopped after I got it in high school. Oh wait, that's sickle cell. Relax, that's just a joke that we call a "preview" in the business - as in "Stay tuned for Mrs. Ebony Xmastime!"

8) AMY HOYBACH - holdover from last year; may be THE definitive Mrs. Xmastime horse-face. Which actually is unfortunate considering her last name.

9) THE TWO BECKY CONNORS - Lecy Goranson and Sarah Chalke. Both, of course played Becky on "Roseanne." I mean, how amazing would it be to fuck 2 chicks that played the same character on tv? You can have your Darrens from "Bewitched", I'll take these two...although technically, didn't the Olsen twins play the same character in 'Full House'? Tagging the two of them would be great, but I dunno...just occurred to me...what if you're hitting on one of the Olsens, and flatter her a bit with her great work on 'Full House', and you go home with her. Could you really be involved with someone who's okay with you being a "man" and a fan of "Full House"? I dunno. Just like when my last girlfriend stayed with me even after finding my Bert & Ernie fuck-doll set, there's a certain amount of respect lost, no? Meanwhile, I think the Becky I v. Becky II argument is worthy of its own post, so stay tuned for that one.

10) RACHEL - works at a bar down the street from me. Ridiculously hot. Supernice. My chances are slim since every dude in the city is in love with her and the only time I see her is when I'm about 17 pops in, basting in my own urine and making out with whatever chick is on the stool beside me. And by "making out with whatever chick is on the stool beside me" I mean "taking off my pants and trying to suck the urine out, capturing whatever extra beer I can since I have 16 cents in my pocket, isn't it weird Rachel isn't into me, wtf?" Anyways. She'll come around, I'm sure.


TOMORROW: MRS. XMASTIME, SENIOR DIVISION!!!!