Bronze Medal: The Motherfuckers Standing at the Door So I Can’t Get off the Fucking Train. An oldie but a goodie, this is a classic that I’m sure started with the Mayor of NYC, after completing the initial symbolic subway ride, being met at the door with dipshits standing directly in the doorway, panting and sweating “camon bro! off the fucking train!” The thing I don’t get about this shit is it’s never the just-off-the-farm corn-fed farmboys getting-on-the-train-for-the-first-time dudes who make this mistake, it’s the born-in-Brooklyn pants-down-to-the-ankles-NorthFace-wearing-doo-rag wife-beater-wearin dude who’s standing there as I’m trying to get off. Here’s a guy that has ridden the train every day of his life, but it still hasn’t occurred to him to get out of the way so people can get OFF the train, therein letting him get ON the train. Hell, not only are there signs everywhere to step aside, but they announce it constantly on the PA. Hey dumbass, I know you can’t read, are you fucking deaf too? Actually maybe you are - your buddies too, since as I’m weaving my way around you’re screaming to them standing behind you on the platform, “CMON NIG-GAH, NIG-GAH CMON NOW NIG-GAH!” Very smart on your part to use my face to create an echo so that your boyz hear you screaming. Much easier than turning around. Bravo, fuckwad.
Silver Medal: The Motherfuckers That Get to the Top of the Subway Steps and Decide to Stand There and Look Around. Again, maybe this is a health issue: did you simply not see the thousand people on the train with you? Did you not notice the sounds of the people behind you? Did you not see the ass of the very person you were walking behind on the steps? No? You can see/hear fine? Oh, then you’re just a fucking douchebag then? Great. I wish I had your parents when I was growing up, someone to let me know that I am the ONLY person in the whole world and life on this planet stops if I wanna take a second to inhale some fresh air and slowly look around, taking in the scenery. Must be nice. I’m flattered you even rode on our humble subway, surely you are destined for better rides:
Bravo, fuckwad.
GOLD MEDAL: You Motherfuckers on the Sidewalk. This should be a lifetime achievement award, as it happens EVERY FUCKING TIME I LEAVE MY HOUSE. But especially if I’m running just a liiiiiiiittle late and kinda wanna book it to the train; this is when the “Total Fuckwad Bat-Signal” goes out and people swarm the sidewalk to slow me down. But it’s not the number of people, it’s how they somehow cleverly fill up the sidewalk JUST enough so I can’t pass them. They’ll spread out 3 or 4 wide, seemingly passable, slooooooowly dithering along as I’m bobbing and weaving behind them, looking for a hole. Four hipster motherfuckers looking around like it’s the first time they’ve ever seen bricks and windows, and I’ve gotta be fucking Gale Sayers to get by them. They’re really brilliant – I try to go left and they JUUUUUUUUUST ease over to the left so I can’t get by. At any step I’m perfectly, geometrically hemmed in by any combination of trees, garbage, cars and fuckwads. Unreal. The hand signals these people must have. “He’s going right!! Use the Happy Hour sign to cut him off!” Takes 20 minutes to walk two blocks, and by then I’ve actually walked about 18 miles, darting back and forth left and right trying to pass these motherfuckers. Unreal. Bravo, fuckwads.
3 comments:
Runners-Up: the fuckwads who still haven't grasped the concept when using public stairways to STAY TO THE RIGHT.
Sheesh, XMAS you sound like you have somewhere to go in life. . .
Never come back South unless you learn to take things a little slower
he's doesn't mean a word of it either, do ya?
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