Two Things I Can't Do With a Gun to My Head

1) BLOWING MY NOSE. I'm no good at this and, unlike masturbating, I never do it in front of other people for free. Everyone else on the planet seems to be able to stop in mid-conversation and pull out a hanky and with one hand blow their schnozz as if they're Dumbo snorting at the circus. Every bear in the cave apparently comes out, pipes are clean and nobody is grossed out. I try to do this and my ears pop, nothing comes out right and I somehow pull my groin. Or my groin pops and my ears pull - either way can somebody tell me who's buying all these fucking Nickelback albums??!!! Fuck!!

So I gotta do the ol' get a paper towel and press down on one nostril at a time and blow. Does a good job threshing the wheat, but prolly not pretty to watch. It's bascially hocking up a loogie, after all. And what's sexy to your grandfather as he's taking photos of you in the woods with no shirt on is not always sexy to everybody else.

2) LIGHTING A MATCH. I'm a complete pussy when it comes to this. I can't do it. I can SOMEtimes pull off a wooden match, but even then I go thru ten of 'em cause I try to have my fingers as far away from the flame as possible, so they snap in half. And at the last second I flinch and pull my head back as if I'm trying to light this fucking thing behind Chris Farley at a Taco Bell. Then if I actually light it I turn into a child's squeak toy, yeeping and yipping until I can put the flame out. Even with a lighter I'm a complete pussy - once I get a flame going and turn my hand to be able to light the candle, the flame leans toward my thumb, at which point my eyes roll in the back of my head and I start flapping my arms around like my high school girlfriend trying to give me a handjob. Not impressive. Which reminds me, I'm terrified of propane tanks too. Whenever I see one about to be lit on the grill I think well, that's it. Goodbye, world. But even worse is if I see someone drop one onto the ground, even if only a few inches, I can see it in slow motion: the grill and myself being engulfed in a mushroom cloud. Forgetting of course that the tank itself is made out of something like titanium steel reinforced by titanium steel squared - you could drop the fucking thing off the Chrysler Building into a fire and nothing will happen. Meanwhile, someone bumps into one in GodIHateYourBarbeque's backyard and I start mauling every titty I can find thinking well, it's all over now, get my kicks in. Ah well. I'm only human, people!!!