I’ve been asked by the good people over at the Fashion Herald to do some guest-blogging; a combination of bull-in-a-china shop-trying-on-jeans and my resolution to lose weight this year. I believe the phrase “Fashion Week video segment” was bandied about as well. I’m not sure what Fashion Week is, to be honest I think I'm confusing it with Fleet Week, but if it means I’ll be hanging out with the Victoria’s Secret Angels and fending off Tyra’s advances then I’m up for it. Well, or for rubbing butter all over my body while a coupla ensigns from the USS TOO MUCH put their anchors away, if you know what I mean. You say Fashion Week, I say Fleet Week, either way I'm already horny.
As I said, I’ll be doing a weekly check-in over there with my weight. I’ll be working out, no beer, eating fruits and vegetables in normal, human-sized portions. And by “human-sized” I mean portion sizes that humans eat, not my usual “ground beef the size of a human.” And while this summer I failed miserably, putting every ounce I had lost back on with a vengeance, I at least proved to myself that I COULD do it, that it is actually possible for me to eat like a human. Apparently I’m buying a pair of “target jeans”; ie jeans that I hope to fit into at the end of said diet. Not, unfortunately, “Target jeans”, meaning I could buy one of those huge 99 cents bags of popcorn while shopping at Target for jeans. Sigh. Life: a fickle mistress.
It looks like my waist right now is a 42…I reckon it should be 32. My inseam is 32, and as a young buck I remember being horrified at the prospect of having the waist number higher than the inseam. Waist number passing inseam number meant you were a fat, big tub of chicken skin that would never see a woman naked, take your shirt off at the pool or, more importantly, see a woman naked. And of course the last 15 years of my life have borne this theory to be true. Crap. Life: a fickle mistress you’ll never see naked.
So at the end of this fat tunnel I’m looking to fit into the ol’ 32-32. That’s ten inches off my waist. I don’t really know what that means or how much weight that translates into. Although if you noticed I bypassed a chance at a “10 inches in my pants” joke there. And a free new pair of jeans is coming along just in time – I usually only keep maybe 2 or 3 pairs on my active roster at any given time, and I’ve just worn a hole through the crotch of one of ‘em. This happens to every single pair I have, and it’s completely due to the fact that I spent 99% of my waking life clawing at my nuts. Seriously. At any given moment, my hand is on my package –scratching things, moving things around, whatever. And the thing is I always scratch even though I never itch. To see me scratch, you’d think I spent a year in Da’Ning in a tent with Bill the Cat. I can’t ever for the life of me remember a moment I’ve ever thought “hey, my nuts itch…I should scratch…” No, it’s always “…well, I’m awake, might as well have my hands on my balls as much as possible…” So invariably the crotch wears out and I gotta get new jeans. Hmm. Maybe instead of worrying about losing weight I should address the fact that I play with my balls so much throughout the day that I literally rub through thick denim. Interesting.
So anyways, keep checking out the updates over at the Fashion Herald. Wish me luck!!
7 comments:
Why don't you set a more realistic goal? To get down to a 32" waist you're going to have do some extreme dieting/exercising. Do you really see yourself maintaining that sort of life style? You're not 18 anymore (or are you trying to fit in with the skinny jean crowd in Williamsburg?). Stop eating junk food, stop getting drunk every night, and take a walk/jog a couple days a week. That should do wonders.
btw, this is gayer than getting your eyebrows clipped.
Whoa, such negativity! Don't guys know that part of dieting is to set ridiculous goals, get defeated and then pig out? No, really, I'm thinking of talking Xmastime into a halfway mark jean size to keep morale up.
And guys, those ridiculously long eyebrow hairs that you're too macho to clip are really distracting. A little clip doesn't put you on the other team.
Tough love, FH, tough love. I just think if Xmastime set a more realistic goal and met it, he'd be more likely to stick with the program for the long run and not get disgusted with himself and go back to his old ways.
Also, I'm with you on the eyebrow thing, FH. I didn't bat an eye when my old school barber went after my brows. I wouldn't have minded if he went after my nose and ear hairs either. The way I look at it, the guy's got a pair of scissors in his hands, let him clean it all up (my guy even shaves the back of my neck!).
Hmm, tough love, may have to get all commando with Xmastime? I do agree that 10 inches off the waist is a lot, so we'll call that a long term goal.
Ah, excess hair poking out of places you really don't want it - just another lovely sign of aging. Panasonic used to have a killer nose hair trimmer. The newer model is a big disappointment. I'm thinking of stealing my mom's.
oh, I'm with you on the nose hairs thing.
http://xmastime.blogspot.com/2007/09/not-kind-of-trim-im-usually-on-prowl.html
http://xmastime.blogspot.com/2006/03/im-old-man.html
Xmastime. You are about 6' 2" and are 35 years old. Fine. For you to drop to a 32 inch waist means you, with your offensive lineman build, would have to weigh around 160. I say that you at an athletic 200 to 210 lbs would be a reasonable goal.
34" to 36" pants at your 32-34" inseam and you win.
Your Pal,
Fat guy who used to be King of the Beach.
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