George: Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.
Jerry: I'm with you.
George: Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need...
Jerry: This could only happen to you.
George: So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".
Jerry: You said this to her after.
George: No. During.
Jerry: Oh, boy.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Wow! So...?
George: So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's (gestures towards woman on phone) still on the phone.
I have to get a girlfriend. I don't wanna die alone. I feel like I have a lot to give somebody with a heart. But before I talk about that, I really need to address something else here.
As willing as I am to shit in any public toilet on Earth, I have trouble shitting if anyone I may know is within a certain distance. I lock up, I freeze, I panic. I don’t know what I think goes on during my toilettes that don’t occur in other people’s, but I am horrified if I think that anyone is even remotely privy to my own version of American Tidal. Oh, in general believe me, I have no shame – I will walk around your house naked on command, whatevs. But shittin? Too personal.
So what’s my “trick”? If anyone’s hovering around, my big thing is to turn on the shower…now mind you – this is even if I’m AT MY OWN LOFT!!!!! … I go in and turn on the shower, hoping it will drown out the sounds of the angel Michael being sent to Hell.
But I’ve now realized that not only do I turn on the shower, but I also take a minute or two to adjust the water temperature as I would if I were actually taking a shower. I just caught myself doing it, and had to remind myself goddam, jackass…you’re just looking for the noise, you’re not fucking jumping in!
Sigh. Anyways, yeah, like I said before I’m looking for a Mrs. Xmastime. I have decided that it's time for me to get a girlfriend. And I've decided that the only way to do that is date as many women as humanly possible. Usually I lie in waiting, and once every 9 or so years I desperately fall in love and dedicate every fiber of being to dreaming about being in love with some girl; obviously we see how this has worked out (flicking Cheetos dust from...well, every part of my body.)
Mamalizza and I cooked up an idea a while back to use my celebrity, and so I'm kicking off the XMASTIME DATING TOUR!!!! That's right - every Friday, starting next week, I will go out on a date with a girl who has written to me and convinced me that she may be the one for me. Maybe it'll take 52 dates, maybe it'll take 2, who knows. I will choose one girl from the emails I receive each week and meet her for a date. These will be casual-ly dates; ie we're not freaking going to Nobu. Whatever that is. We will have a great, relaxed time getting to know each other. For instance, Date #1:
- Transit Museum
- Pizza shop nearby
- Whatever romance ensues.
You girls know me - don't act like you don't think you'll have a great time. So put together a brief email and send it to me with a picture attached, and by next Monday I will notify Friday's date.
NOTE: I will blog about each and every date!!!! Know this!! However, I will not use your real name. And, short of a complete disaster, I have no intention of being rude/hurting anybody's feelings etc. Hey - I'm out here to find Mrs. Xmastime, for chrissake!
So get those emails in to xmastimer@gmail.com
1 comment:
God, I hope it works this time.
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