Charles Guiteau

Okay, I'm not a Photoshop genius, fucking sue me.

But Charles Guiteau, James A. Garfield's assassin, IS BY FAR the funnest presidential assassin we've had yet. First of all, he left the Oneida Community because, even in a group sex community, he couldn't get laid.

Postmenopausal women were encouraged to introduce teenage males to sex, providing both with legitimate partners that rarely resulted in pregnancies. Furthermore, these women became religious role models for the young men. Likewise, older men often introduced young women to sex. Noyes often used his own judgment in determining the partnerships which would form and would often encourage relationships between the non-devout and the devout in the community, in the hopes that the attitudes and behaviors of the devout would influence the non-devout. And when it came to enjoying Oneidas loose sexual morality, Guiteau repelled more women than he attracted. Indeed, in the several years he was living at Oneida, Guiteau would later testify that he had remained strictly virtuous

Then Guiteau decided that God wanted him to kill Garfield for turning down his request to become the ambassador to Vienna.

Borrowing fifteen dollars, he went out to purchase a revolver. He knew little about firearms, but did know that he would need a large caliber gun. He had to choose between a .442 Webley British Bulldog revolver with a wooden handle and one with an ivory handle. He wanted the one with the ivory handle because he wanted it to look good as a museum exhibit after the assassination, but he could not afford the extra dollar.

It's a shame his wallet did not match his self-awareness. Then he went on with what was surely the funniest presidential assassin trial ever:

Guiteau became something of a media darling during his entire trial for his bizarre behavior, including constantly cursing and badmouthing the judge, witnesses, and even his defense team, formatting his testimony in epic poems which he recited at length, and soliciting legal advice from random spectators in the audience via passed notes. He dictated an autobiography to the New York Herald, ending it with a personal ad for a nice Christian lady under thirty. He was blissfully oblivious to the American public's outrage and hatred of him, even after he was almost assassinated twice himself. At one point, he argued before Judge Cox that Garfield was killed not by himself but by medical malpractice, which was more than a little true ("The doctors killed Garfield, I just shot him").

After the guilty verdict was read, Guiteau stood up, despite his lawyers efforts to tell him to be quiet, and yelled at the jury saying: "you are all low, consummate jackasses", plus a further stream of curses and obscenities before he was taken away by guards to his cell to await execution. He appealed, but his appeal was rejected, and he was hanged on June 30, 1882 in the District of Columbia. On the scaffold, Guiteau recited a poem he had written called "I am Going to the Lordy." He had originally requested an orchestra to play as he sang his poem, but this request was denied.

PLUS, Garfield took three months to die; the updates and suspense throughout the country was it's own era's version of Sportscenter. Seriously. Where the fuck is this movie? Has one been made already? ??!?!?!?

ps - everything I know about Guiteau I learned from Sarah Powell's Assassination Vacation. Which, I think, I stole from my friend Serge's apartment. Hey, fuck him!!! ;)

pps - no, I am not "releasing the hounds." Xmastime fanatics who saw that as a signal to track Serge down and kill him, PLEASE DO NOT!!! (wink wink)

ppps - that "wink wink" was NOT a signal to disregard what I said, therein being advised to track him down and kill him; I was just practicing my "sexy wink." Stand down, Xmaserica!!