It's Over

 6) I’m really great at remembering people’s birthdays. I meet someone and they mention their birthday, then BAM! I got it locked in for life. Every year on your birthday I will call or write to you, making sure you know that on your day I’m thinking of you and wish you the best.

HOWEVER

These birthday greetings are usually accompanied with 20 minutes of “boy, can you believe I remembered your birthday? Wow, aren’t I something? How bout that! Are you right now thinking how wonderful I am because I remembered your birthday??!?! Wow!!” Christ. I remember a birthday, and I act like I’m The Amazing Randy pulling a gopher out of my ass “wow!! Look at that!!!!!” And of course I don’t “remember” to buy you a gift or buy you a round at the bar; surely my remembering your day is enough of a gift. Jesus fucking Christ. - XMASTIME Happy Birthday to Me (Asshole)

One more reason to fucking hate Facebook is that it's taken away the one thing I had over everybody else: remembering birthdays. This used to be the only discernible skill I had; nothing was more satisfying than when that look of "oh, shit!" would come across their face when I'd innocently ask "oh, how was so & so when you called to say happy birthday...yesterday?" Knowing that I had, and they hadn't. I would do a jedi mind-trick"zing!" at them, smug in knowing that in the great contest of life I had inched slightly forward in the eyes of whomever birthday it had been. If I was really flying high I'd bring it up to the birthday person the next day "Hey, so what'd so & so say when they called?...WHAT (fake shock) they didn't CALL? REEEEally? On your BIRTHDAY??!?!!?" Oh I was so fucking good that if was feeling particularly on top of my game I would simultaneously fan the flames of outrage at the oversight as well as pretend to magnanimously cover for the person. "I can't believe they didn't call...tho surely, I'm certain they had a good reason...actually I think maybe they (present see-through, weak excuse here)..." Checkmate would be "oh, don't cover for them, Xmastmime! They're a shitty friend, unlike you...you expect the best in people too much." I'd weakly mumble something in faux "aw-shucks" mode while chuckling to myself.

I was a genius at this. The Best, they called me. And now it's all gone. Thanks to Facebook, with it's fucking Happy Birthday reminders. Fucking hell. I hate you, Facebook. Now I got nothing left.